Discarded and need help processing

[Jbfree]

Hello everyone. My first thread. Not sure where else to turn for advice. I've read some books and they were helpful but maybe insight from others may help me process the events more clearly.

I was married for 23 years. My ex husband was a substance abuser, we separated for 4 years then got back together for a new start. I always had it in my head that his attitude or personality was because of drugs and alcohol but I think I'm wrong. We moved to a new city for a fresh start. Its been 3 years. The first year was great! We were discovering each other, getting to know each other again. Then he seemed to get moody, argumentative. I never did anything right. I stopped my self care because he would think I'm cheating. I stopped getting hair cuts doing my nails, etc. I was in a schedule everyday. Wake up with him make his coffee and lunch then I get ready for work. Go home make dinner watch tv sleep. Everyday! Weekends I clean the house do laundry. I wouldn't leave unless it's to the grocery store. Then one day I get a spam call on my phone from red cross. He flipped out and said it was a man calling me! I played the voice message of the recording...nope...he insisted it was a man. An app that can cover phone numbers. The day before we had just spoke about retirement and buying a home! Well, the day after the phone call he kicked me out of my house! He was so angry, in my face yelling at me on why I can't stay away from other men. Then he mentioned a man I dated briefly years ago when we were separated. He said I was seeing him again and I was in love with him. I haven't heard that name in 6 years! He was so angry he didn't look like himself. I was scared. He kept coming closer so I grabbed my keys and ran out the back door! Never went back. My daughter was able to get me some clothes for work but I left with nothing.
My birthday was the other day and he sent me gift to my work with a note that said have a good day. What was that?? Why send a gift to someone who you think cheated? He never in 20 years sent me a gift in the first place! This is all mind f@#$ry
So my issue is can BPD or NPD cause delusions? Why would he convince himself I cheated? I texted with him yesterday. It's been 3 weeks now, so still new and raw. He said he is hurt because I cheated and I will not admit to my wrong doings. I'm like " what wrong doings?"
It's hard to process a discard when I didn't do anything wrong. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I still think about him and I don't want to! He said he got over me in 2 weeks! 2 weeks after 23 years! That was a stab in my heart! He thinks I'm evil and a sociopath because I could cheat and be ok with it. I feel betrayed and used and confused and angry...you name it. I feel it all at the same time! I want it to go away! Why can't I forget as quickly as he did?

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Jbfree!
I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing such horrible issues.
Just to reassure you that you are in the right place and many on this site have had similar experiences.

What you have described sounds so similar to the chaotic experience between my parents. My dad a delusional malignant narcissist and mum a covert narcissist with bpd.
1) to answer your question can they be delusional? Yes . The narc/bpd can get grandiose - and like you have described, they usually look different when grandiose- my ex husband will appear taller, very cold look with minimal facial expression-it’s sickening to experience.
2) He is accusing you of cheating, it sounds like he is projecting- so he may be cheating on you but will accuse you of cheating. My dad did that to my mum a lot. My ex use to go straight to punishing me without accusing.
3) You did the right thing running out of the house- an angry narc or bpd can physically hurt you. My ex husband did, I ran upstairs to get away from him but our bedroom doors have no locks so he attacked and tried to choke me. I escaped by squeezing his neck-narcs are afraid of death. Bpd are more prone to psychosis- that’s where the word borderline comes from-they are on the border of being psychotic and are secondary psychopaths.
Please take care of yourself.
The question here and now is what can you do to self care- I hope first and foremost that you are in a place of safety, secondly please don’t underestimate the damage this toxic relationship has done to your mental health and that if your children. Please don’t blame yourself for what’s going on, this is the time to put yourself first and stay safe.

[Huntinfool123]

Hi Jbfree.

I am sorry to hear about your experience.  It sounds like you were doing a great job supporting him. You sound like a kind and caring person who puts him before yourself.  You deserve better than these actions. I am glad to hear you and your daughter got to safety.  Most of what you said resonated with me.  I was married 24 years and many of the things you have mentioned has happened to me as well.  However this post is about you.  I wish I had wise words to help you, just know my story is so close to yours in far too many ways. 

I know that look of rage you saw in him (directed at you), its not a good feeling to see when you love someone and can't help them in the moment.

I am just speculating here but from my experience it seems like when we discuss things like buying a home, it triggers something in them?  I would also feel confused if I received a gift for your birthday, doesn't it send us mixed signals? 

Yes, I have witnessed and lived through many delusions, so it does happen.

From what I have learned here is they project.  Maybe he feels guilty for something, maybe he was struggling with commitment?  I have so many examples of the same.

I wish we could explain what he was thinking and why but unfortunately we can't.  I can't make sense of my W and we've been together for 27 years.

We can't change them!  We can only change ourselves.  We can't make sense of the discard and how easy it is for them, but so, so painful for us.

Stay strong!  Work on yourself.  Take care of your daughter. Know that we are here for you!