Feeling like emotional hostage to pregnant BPD Daughter living at home.

[sunbird]

My wife and I are feeling emotionally fatigued and traumatized from being  caretakers for our BPD (but in denial) Daughter living at home with us for the past 6 years since graduating from college.It has been a roller coaster ride of anger ,rages, verbal abuse, troubled boyfriends, abusing pills, police, suicide threats, police, short term hospitalizations,(worthless since she is in total denial of her problems and they let her go with no real counseling or follow up required).  I have no confidence in the broken mental health non-care system.

I've been like a "fireman on call" to deal with crises, meltdowns and preventing self destruction.  Now she is nine months pregnant and has been trying to take care of herself during this time. Her Boyfriend amazingly still wants to make things work with her but there are constant dangerous arguments (she usually starts) and she says she no longer wants to be with him.

My wife (who has chronic pain and anxiety problems of her own) has alot of anger towards her because of all the hell we've been thru which precipitates even more friction.

Our Daughter desparately needs to have her own place(for everyone's sanity) but not enough finances or help to put that together yet.

Sometimes she can be nice and sweet, but is often negative,demanding and can switch into angry rages (sometimes to the point of screaming hysteria) at a moments notice if something or someone pushes her buttons. (usually involves someone she perceives as "being mean" to her). Was never officially diagnosed as BPD but has all the symptoms.

The temptation is strong to just kick her out but being pregnant with our grandchild and with her mental illness and emotional instability

I just can't do that. I don't want her to end up on the street or harm herself. In spite of all the emotional scars we do still love her.

(I think the "Tough Love" approach only works when you believe that they have the wherewithall to bounce back on their own otherwise you feel like you are throwing them to the wolves. - doesn't work well for the mentally ill)

I guess its sort of like being held hostage by love.

Not sure how how we will handle things when the baby arrives. Hopefully she/we can rise to the occassion.

Prayers and any advice or insights will be appreciated.

JDH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SeaSprite]

 

I have no insights, my d is only 16 (sadly, also pregnant).

But I want to say you are being good parents, trying to help her and no one could blame you for feeling angry or wanting to kick her out.

Some others here have had better luck with mental health care, so perhaps you'll get some good advice.

Maybe there is a way to find a social worker who can help. Maybe if you document all of her issues... .so that even of she is in denial, you can get the attention of a professional who can offer something?

[js friend]

HI sunbird and 


I can soo empthise with what you and your wife are going through. These are really tough times... .I really do think that hormones and  the stress from pregnancy can really bring out the worse in our dd's.

Luckily for us dd19 had already moved out when she became pregnant with her first. .Boundries are important here to have with your dd.

. 9x out of 10 my dd often didnt want to abide by my boundries either but you must be consistent with it. see it as another form of brain training... .and making new connections in the brain. it will take a while but eventually your dd will get it. She is pregnant and maybe experiencing some extra difficulties  but it is not an excuse, or helpful to anyone including herself to be abusive towards you. I used to remind my dd of that. Often she was asking for help but didnt know how to, and would resort to being abusive or hysterical. There are some good tools to read on the right which will help you to communicate more effectively with your dd.

Is it possible for you and your wife to get some respite... .is the father of the baby around or his family?Honeslty i dont know how we would have all coped if dd was still living here... .

My dd became even more demanding after the birth of her first baby(if thats even possible)

I think the shock of being responsible for another life wasnt something she had even thought about... She loved being pregnant and all the attention it gave HER but suddendly the focus was on the baby and I dont think she knew how to handle it  and I caught her a few times when she should have been seeing to the baby instead spending time chatting online to men with gc crying in the background!... .;(

Try to stay close Sunbird as your gc will need you, but dont put up the abuse.

I still my  concerns but on the whole things have improved... .

oh and  i found it easier to show my  dd what to do when she came to me when  it came to childcare rather than telling  her what to. Making a bottle or bathing the baby together was a better experience for all than giving her parental advise. Also my  DD also has a good  social worker involved who keeps an eye out which has also  become a blessing.

[peace in steel town]

What does children's aid have to say if she moves out on her own? They threatened to take our grand child away at birth if dd doesn't live with us or a group home.