HI sunbird and
I can soo empthise with what you and your wife are going through. These are really tough times... .I really do think that hormones and the stress from pregnancy can really bring out the worse in our dd's.
Luckily for us dd19 had already moved out when she became pregnant with her first. .Boundries are important here to have with your dd.
. 9x out of 10 my dd often didnt want to abide by my boundries either but you must be consistent with it. see it as another form of brain training... .and making new connections in the brain. it will take a while but eventually your dd will get it. She is pregnant and maybe experiencing some extra difficulties but it is not an excuse, or helpful to anyone including herself to be abusive towards you. I used to remind my dd of that. Often she was asking for help but didnt know how to, and would resort to being abusive or hysterical. There are some good tools to read on the right which will help you to communicate more effectively with your dd.
Is it possible for you and your wife to get some respite... .is the father of the baby around or his family?Honeslty i dont know how we would have all coped if dd was still living here... .
My dd became even more demanding after the birth of her first baby(if thats even possible)
I think the shock of being responsible for another life wasnt something she had even thought about... She loved being pregnant and all the attention it gave HER but suddendly the focus was on the baby and I dont think she knew how to handle it and I caught her a few times when she should have been seeing to the baby instead spending time chatting online to men with gc crying in the background!... .;(
Try to stay close Sunbird as your gc will need you, but dont put up the abuse.
I still my concerns but on the whole things have improved... .
oh and i found it easier to show my dd what to do when she came to me when it came to childcare rather than telling her what to. Making a bottle or bathing the baby together was a better experience for all than giving her parental advise. Also my DD also has a good social worker involved who keeps an eye out which has also become a blessing.