My wife has turned and I can’t get her back

[thankful person]

 
I have been with my wife for seven years, married for three. We have a 17 month old toddler (conceived through ivf, biologically hers, but we are both her legal parents). My wife is expecting our second child in May.
We have always had issues, my wife’s  main problem is that I do not turn her on or satisfy her sexually, I’m not as rough or impulsive as she’d like and not comfortable talking dirty. I have tried these things but I’m still not comfortable. At the moment it’s particularly hard because the toddler sleeps in our marital bed with her and I sleep in the spare room with the dog. The day is taken up with looking after the baby and then when she naps I am online teaching piano lessons and dyslexia tutoring, until the evening.
We hadn’t had sex since before Christmas, but I understood that my wife and I both knew we couldn’t find a good time as when the baby’s asleep we would just eat and watch tv.
Recently, everything changed. When our baby was first born, my wife got really annoyed with my mum going on about wanting to see us (she has only met her three times though that is partly due to Covid lockdowns). And then when my mum started asking for pictures of the baby it became a rule that only my wife was allowed to send pictures. It all came to a head recently when my mum told me how upset she was about hardly receiving any pictures. She said, “it’s cruel of you to keep her to yourselves”. This broke my heart. My mum is 76 and we never know how long older people will live. So I decided to take a stand. After trying to gently discuss the issue, (which didn’t work), I told my wife that I have decided that from now on I will send mum pictures whenever I want to. So she has responded by saying I am disrespecting her wishes and our relationship is over. She will not say she loves me, or have any physical contact and we are now rowing all the time which upsets the baby, so I spend much time on my own.
I can’t leave, even for a short time, as my wife is worried about going into labour early. She threatened to take the baby away last week, but didn’t go for this reason.
I do want this relationship to work. I love my wife and I’ve seen the nightmares she has following years of sexual abuse. I know it’s not her fault. She does not acknowledge that bpd our pregnancy hormones could have any effect on her. She did don’t for a few months years ago, but claims she is better because she stopped cutting and her eating disorder behaviour. I just feel like she hates me, but she said she doesn’t. She wants me to say some magic sexy words or organise a romantic surprise or something but it’s hardly the atmosphere for it and I don’t have any strength left. She shrieked at me yesterday because I left to teach an online piano lesson and she shouted whilst I was talking to the student. She says my students are more important to me than her. Honestly, it’s the only thing that is keeping me going right now, having some people who appreciate me.
I just don’t know how to get through to her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

She wants to prevent you from sharing baby photos with your mother. She’s interfering with the work you do to support the family. She doesn’t want to have sex unless you talk dirty and are rough with her and she is concerned about going into labor early.

Has she ever worked or are you the sole provider?

[Rev]

Hey there my friend...

Welcome. That sounds like a lot to process and to carry. I think it's a safe bet that you need to get yourself into a place where you can find your equilibrium ...  by the looks of things, you have many people drawing on you - and that can be difficult under so-called "normal" conditions.

Cat has asked come really good foundational questions.  Essentially, I would encourage you to go to a social worker, counsellor or pastor, etc... and take some inventory of just how much you are carrying and how many people are pulling on your coat tails.  You might be surprised.  List everything and everyone.

That might help you eliminate some things and see a path forward.

As far as the sex goes - what you describe is common - a question of wanting a rush to mask the pain underneath.   It took me a while to catch on to the pattern in my relationship.   Personally, I would treat that as a whole other category.  Sexual expression, not really my area of professional expertise, but I do know enough to say that that's a whole other area - and if she is coercing you into sexual activity that you are not comfortable with, then that's textbook abuse.

Listen, reach out to us any time. We will always listen, never judge and the people here are very much in your corner.

Hang in there... one breath at time if need be.

Rev

[thankful person]

I have been the sole provider since the baby was born. When we got together, she was 21 and just leaving home (had never worked) and I was 36 and had always worked full time and was also self-employed. She did have a few jobs in the years that followed, but mostly only working a few hours a week, or full time jobs, none of which lasted more than a few months (with lots of “sick” leave). Unlike some, I knew the state of her mental health when we got together, but I have always just wanted to be there for her, to be a good thing in her life. I’m upset that she doesn’t see it that way. Especially when, although I do enjoy my work, it takes a lot of strength, more so with online lessons. She doesn’t like hearing me chatting and “having a laugh” with people, because she has no one to chat to (although she does talk to her mum and two sisters). She’s particularly annoyed when people say, “ooh not long till baby arrives, how exciting!” What am I supposed to say, “actually it’s not exciting because my relationship is falling apart and it’s a terrible thing for a baby to be born into..”

[thankful person]

I’m just working out this forum, I was replying to Cat and then Rev appeared. Thank you for your support. Today I feel stronger though yesterday I was falling apart but I like to think I am a strong person because I had a lot to deal with in leaving my ex who was heart broken, packing up our house alone and emigrating back to my home country alone. I left a 15 year “happy, stable relationship” with a man I loved for a girl 15 years younger than me, in a country I chose to leave, who had severe mental health issues. I do not regret it. I actually wasn’t happy with him because he didn’t want to have children. The thought of discussing anything with someone terrifies me. I really would fall apart then. And you probably understand that it’s impossible to get away (especially during lockdown). I have said I’d like to get therapy alone, partly for the sex (I have my own issues) but also to try to save the relationship. But my wife doesn’t want me to because she doesn’t want to be discussed behind her back. She also refuses to come to relationship counselling with me.

[Cat Familiar]

So, there’s a lot of control issues you’re having to deal with.

She’s jealous that you can find enjoyment and personal connection in your work. And she doesn’t want you to seek therapy because she’s afraid you’ll talk about her, nor does she want to do couples counseling.

You say you’d fall apart if you were to discuss the current state of your life with someone? It sounds as if you’re stretched to your limit right now coping with things. 

Cat

[Rev]

The thought of discussing anything with someone terrifies me. I really would fall apart then. And you probably understand that it’s impossible to get away (especially during lockdown). I have said I’d like to get therapy alone, partly for the sex (I have my own issues) but also to try to save the relationship. But my wife doesn’t want me to because she doesn’t want to be discussed behind her back. She also refuses to come to relationship counselling with me.

Hi again,

So... counseling ... of any kind...  if you have a good therapist, it happens at your pace, with your topics with you in charge. A lot of my work involves prepping people to go to counseling... to work up to it, if you catch my drift.

Cat is right - you sound as if you are full up with out an inch to spare.  Would you mind if I asked you a question or two? You don't need to answer.

Have you found your voice of self compassion?  Or are you still looking for it?  I don't ask this in judgement, but to get you thinking of the first step. You sound like you have a vision for your life and that you fell in love after going down the wrong path because being with your ex didn't reflect who you are.  What are your three favorite things about you? Like character traits, or values, or ... whatever?

Big hugs to you.

Rev

[PearlsBefore]

If it weren't for the piano-playing, I'd be concerned that I appear to have sleepwalked my way into posting my biography here without remembering it...

a) The sex thing can definitely be frustrating, they often have very high sex drives and very peculiar tastes...and if we believe their stories, it usually traces back to their childhood. (Their stories are sometimes suspect, but it's not like anything else would explain it so easily, right?). That said, it sounds like you might consider standing up for yourself a little more in this regard - you also have urges, and not EVERY nude encounter has to be about her preferred manner of re-enacting or counter-re-enacting what sounds like decades-old C-PTSD...sometimes naked time should just be naked time.

One possible compromise on the photos would be to suggest that all three of you have agreed you'll send your mother say a photo every day, but your mother promises to only keep four photos a month and delete the rest or something. That might satisfy both of them. There's often not much "logic" to figuring out how to placate a pwBPD (or anyone, in fairness) - sometimes it's just about letting them feel like they got their way.

Does she have a history of early labour or particularly traumatizing labour? (I once wrote a song set to "We Three Kings" that named various tocolytics "Hy-droxy-pro-gesterone/Cap-ro-ate..." so my children learned about important drugs through lullabyes...they had a unique upbringing).

But yeah, as others have said you have so much going on here I'd say not to focus on solving it all this week; pick one big thing to begin and one little thing to finish. Next week/month pick new ones.

[thankful person]

Hi everyone and thank you. I am struggling, but no I wouldn’t say I have found my voice of self-compassion. I do not have the strength to arrange therapy for myself against my wife’s wishes.
My favourite things about myself are that I am very good with children, ironically I specialise in those with autism and other behavioural issues. So simple compared to BPD LOL. I also believe I am a good pianist and song-writer. My wife is jealous of this, and does not like me playing the piano. I even wrote a song for her called, “So we can hold our baby” during her first pregnancy, to thank her for carrying our child. She was pleased when I posted the lyrics on Facebook but then a couple of days later I put up a photo of the sheet music I was writing out and she was angry because my musician friends would know the song before her. It was only a couple of lines, and blurred so you couldn’t really see it. But she has always refused for me to play and sing her the song, and asked me to destroy it. I refused but said she can destroy it when I die.
Yes it’s very weird about the sex thing. I know she was highly traumatised but I also know she lied about many things when we first got together. But when she used to have really bad nightmares it was like she was trying to tell me things about who was involved, when she was in the nightmare. There is no way she could have faked those. It was impossible to wake her up sometimes. I’m leaving it as is with the photos: I’ve only sent mum a few so far but it really doesn’t need discussing further.
Thank you all for your support.

[PearlsBefore]

It's good that you can recognise some of your strengths, and fatherhood is definitely the most important there. Be careful though, if you can't stand up for yourself on the intimacy issue and can't stand up for yourself on the therapy issue...you need to figure out what areas are within your ability to practice flexing some self-esteem and confidence   

If it's BPD (don't think you mentioned if it's diagnosed, etc?), you'll see her trying to gaslight you and it's important that you maintain your own self-schema and avoid falling into the traps she'll set for you. I wrote a bunch of songs for my children when they were born, though lacking musical talent I just co-opted tunes from various sources

I don't have much experience with the BPD nightmares issue, I agree it does suggest the C-PTSD/whatever is likely valid or at least that she honestly believes it. I always just find it's a slippery slope...I know she'll lie and claim it rained yesterday when it didn't, but somehow I convince myself I'll believe her when it's something negative about childhood influences. (There's a  childhood neighbour named "Fat Ashleigh" who sounds like such a caricature that rationally I can't tell if memory has been coloured by someone fictional, but I've always just worked from the assumption she existed and was as described...but WHY do I believe it? Just my own laziness/exhaustion?).

Come back any time, even if you just want to vent. Officially I'm here to offer guidance to people struggling with caring for BPDs - but unofficially I find it cathartic to tell you all some clips from my own life as well...because unlike traditional "healthy" families, it's not like we're able to confide in our loved ones (the sick or the healthy) quite so easily about all of this.

[Rev]

My favourite things about myself are that I am very good with children, ironically I specialise in those with autism and other behavioural issues. So simple compared to BPD LOL.

I also believe I am a good pianist and song-writer. My wife is jealous of this, and does not like me playing the piano.

Hi there broken,

Thanks for sharing this  - I am sure that you are an awesome mother and working with children with autism requires a tremendous amount of empathy and intuition. That is a very special gift that needs to be well protected if it is going to be effective over the long run and not leave you constantly feeling empty.

I have a life coach who specializes in such matters and it did me wonders.

On another note, you see the two sentences above?  I wonder what it might be like for you, when you have a moment to yourself, to say them out loud, in front of a mirror if possible. First the whole sentence and then just the parts in bold.  What do you notice about your voice?  What happens to you emotionally when you listen to yourself?

Grace be yours,

Rev

[thankful person]

Hi Pearls, thanks for your message, please note I am a woman married to a woman, not to worry. My wife definitely has bpd on her medical records, as she had to have extra appointments at the hospital (which I attended with her) when pregnant the first time. She definitely has severe self harm scars from cutting her arms. She has definitely been raped in the past and I believe by multiple people. The nightmares have convinced me of this. She doesn’t seem to have them anymore. They were deeply disturbing to watch and I can’t imagine what she went through. However she has lied to me plenty, we first met online and she may have thought she’d never meet me. The most extreme story was, she told me her uncle got her pregnant and she wanted to abort but her dad made her have the baby to put it up for adoption. This was all untrue, as she has now told me. There were plenty of other stories that to this day I’m not sure about.
I forgot to mention, yes the first birth was traumatic. The baby arrived within three hours of labour starting and the birth went smoothly but the stitches were horrendous. The new baby is also measuring big which is a further concern about it coming early. I am interested in your stories, so yes, please share. I wish I could write more songs, for our children... but my wife is very jealous and I don’t know how to approach it. It’s easier just to avoid it.
Rev, thank you again, very kind of you. I haven’t said those things to the mirror yet (have to be quiet as it’s lockdown and there are jealous ears around Lol) I think I would probably cry. I have some lovely notes the children have given me over the years and I absolutely treasure them.
Any more advice anyone has would be welcome. Things have calmed down a bit here, but we are still not saying we love each other (her choice), or having any physical contact at all. Except she kindly lets me feel the baby kick sometimes. But soon I’ll probably get in trouble again for not seducing her, even though she’s worried it would trigger labour. Anybody mention these people don’t make sense half the time? I seriously think the pregnancy hormones are affecting her too, but she was terrible towards me for the first six months of our first baby’s life, so I’m worried about what’s to come.