GAL benefit without the GAL?

[yeeter]

This might not be answerable, but do anybody you feel it is possible to get the benefit of a GAL, without the actual formal process?

My understanding is that the GAL would make recommendations to the court.  What if we could get those recommendations as part of a settlement?   

What recommendations would there be that couldn’t be gotten some other way?

Any thoughts?

[formflier]

Hey Yeeter,

With recent board changes I'm sorry that your post went unanswered.

And...I'm going to have to send more questions your way.

If you want the benefits of a GAL, would you just rather get one?

Is there something specific you believe you can get with "almost a GAL"?

You mentioned settlement.  The nice thing about a settlement is that if both sides agree, almost anything can be in there, even things that might be grey areas. 

My understanding is a GAL would inform the court about what type of divorce/custody arrangement they should "impose" on a family that otherwise can't settle the issue themselves. 

I suppose a GAL could make a recommendation to the court about if a court should "accept" a settlement or "sign off on it".  I would have to say it would be a mighty unusual step for a court to reject something both parties are ok with and the lawyers representing both sides feel they can ethically present it to the court for signature.

So...let's chat.  I'm guessing there is more to this story.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

A couple years after my divorce I went back for custody and majority time.  The magistrate ruled I had a "Change of Circumstances" which was required for major changes.  When we went to the judge (first time ever since we usually dealt with magistrates) the GAL tried to guide us to a settlement.  For me, it was that she would support me getting full custody but not my other request for majority time.  Sort of "splitting the difference" so we both won and lost, it wasn't as good as I hoped but not as bad as ex feared.  GAL was hoping ex would behave better if she kept the existing equal time and had access to child support.  So that's what we walked out with.

Footnote, I did go back a couple years later for majority time and the second time around I did get majority time but only during the school year.  I was getting played year round by my ex but with the school also testifying it gave the court the ability to "split the difference"... ex lost her equal time but I didn't get year-round majority time.

[formflier]

FD

Was it "one thing" that moved you to go back to court or a general pattern? 

How long did the GAL process take for you?  Was it obvious to you that the GAL "saw" the issue you were raising or did you have to push and "prove" things?

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

The GAL my lawyer recommended for my son was in a regional child agency.  Her listed references online indicated her focus was on delinquent kids, not necessarily kids with a troubled parent.  What brought her into the case both times was that my ex was uncooperative and sabotaging the parenting order.

The first time she gave my ex some rope to get on with her life (child support option) but enforced limits (lost custody).  My ex was still entitled and obstructive by playing games with exchanges, etc — her pattern.  That's why I went back the second time and the GAL was fed up with her antics.  During two full days in court we had testimony from literally everyone, me, her, teachers, even the GAL herself.  The GAL and my ex had different accounts of what happened during their encounters.  It was then I played several  recordings of sabotaged recordings.  They were played for me and I had to testify when and where they occurred.  They were played for her, again, and every time she stated "That's my voice but I don't remember saying that."

Recently she says that was when she was having mini strokes.  I think she was dysregulating during her rages.  Toward the end of our marriage she would frequently deny saying such things after her rages subsided.  A few months later the decision contained this comment by the magistrate, "In the tapes Mother is often yelling so loudly that it is difficult to endure listening to her."

[yeeter]

Sorry all, I am just seeing this.  Yes, there is a lot to this.

We did try a conciliation with a retired judge.  Failed.  Have offered settlements.  Refused.

One key aspect of this for me is how 'family counseling' can be setup to be effective/useful.  My children are all over the age of 12, and in my State this means you 'can not force them' to follow the parenting plan.  My two youngest are choosing not to follow it, meaning they do not visit.  Do not answer phone calls, emails, or texts (very rarely) and have effectively cut me out of their lives. 

Everything I read about best interest of the child is that it is better for them to have two active parents engaged in their lives.  My wife does not believe this.  A lot of influence there ( I wont make legal accusations).  One unique aspect is that my wife has an 'allergic reaction' if she sees me line of sight, which is then portrayed as me 'trying to kill her' if I attend a childs event.  Its not a great narrative for a child to hear imo.  But is an effective weapon to block my participation, unless I want to put the kids through the drama of mom getting hauled out by the squad to the ER should I show up at a function.  This will play out over time but right now with COVID there are  no group extra curricular activities anyway.

My lawyers have advised that the court, including the GAL process, will be of very limited use.  Even the conciliation judge (30 years retired from the same court) suggested private counseling would be of more practical value.  No guarantee, but that a GAL will just 'collect data' and make recommendations, and again a child can not be forced to comply (we have a GAL named that has an excellent reputation so this is good).  Some other counselors (parenting counselors) have suggested the GAL would have value.  So mixed feedback.  But wife controls the narrative being fed to them (very strongly, distorted, etc etc)

So the advice is to be patient, keep the door open, let the kids develop and form their own opinions.  This might take years.

In the meantime my son (oldest) DOES follow the parenting agreement.  It is his way of staying neutral.  But he doesnt buy into moms narrative to the degree his younger sisters do.  (although it is not a given that they buy the narrative, but more that they are not able to act against it by engaging with me - it is extremely difficult for a child to defy a parent - although my son has)

Its been over a year.  Multiple failed settlement and conciliation attempts have simply delayed the process.  We now have a pretrial in Feb (all legal parties including the conciliation judge states this should never go to trial, that it is a 'simple case' technically).  Well over $100k spent in legal.  And havent even made it to pretrial yet.  Destructive financially as well as emotionally for all involved.

And yet none of this is a surprise.  It was why I stayed as long as I did. 

There is no answer.
There aint ever been no answer.
There never will be any answer.
That is the answer.