Struggling with BPD NPD Sister

[naiveoptimist]

Hi,

I am new to this online community.  I've been in therapy for over a year and have experienced a lot of transformation, but I can't seem to come to grips with my relationship with my sister who has BPD traits and NPD traits.  My sister and I are close in age and have had a close relationship my entire life until a year ago.  I am younger, however most people that didn't know us growing up think that I am the older sister because of the dynamic of our relationship.  I realize now that our relationship was close in proximity - living together and spending time together, however I never felt like I could tell her anything.  In fact there were many things I felt like I couldn't tell her.  My whole family feels this way regarding her too.  It's like an open secret, but no one would dare say anything to her because no one wants the wrath of her.  The times I did mention certain things or expressed an opposing point of view, she would yell at me and tell me I wasn't supportive of her and that no one in our family was supportive of her.  I don't feel like I can have an honest conversation with her.  I'm afraid of her and her wrath, but I'm also afraid that she isn't strong enough to hear the truth. 

She lacks empathy and this became clear to me last year.  I was suffering from depression, paranoia and anxiety and was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, which is genetic in my family.  I was so beaten down and stressed out that I asked for space from her after she got mad at me for cancelling plans with her - plans that were over a month away.  She yelled at me on the phone and I actually defended myself, which only made it worse.  She followed up the phone conversation with paragraph long text messages telling me how selfish I am and that she's sick of feeling like an afterthought.  I agree that it would feel bad to be an afterthought.  The problem is that it just isn't true.  Up until that point, she had so much control over my life.  All of my decisions revolved around her.  The one time I do something I want and it explodes in my face.  This has happened a handful of times in our relationship, and I am always the one to give in and take responsibility for something that I don't actually feel responsible for, but I do it anyways for the sake of getting along.  This last argument made me decide to seek therapy.  After being in therapy for a few months, I reached out to her and told her about my depression and she expressed no empathy and went immediately into how selfish I was to cancel plans.  So now it's been a year of therapy and year of us not seeing each other. I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship with my sister, however I've not been able to mend the relationship.  For the first time, I am not optimistic about our relationship.  I don't know how to reach out to her, and I don't know if I want to.  It seems like a lot of work on my end, and after all that has happened in a year, I just don't know if it's worth it.  In this past year, my husband and I had a baby, the most transformative experience in my life, and my sister has not reached out to me or offered any congratulatory messages.  She didn't come to my baby shower, and yet I'm truly stunned that my baby is 2 months old and she has shown no interest. 

It seems like a relationship with her will require a lot of effort on my part knowing she won't put any effort in because she thinks she is always right.  For the first time in my life, I'm starting to wonder if we will ever speak again.  It makes me deeply sad, but what's most sad for me is realizing that she has an illness.  It must be difficult for her, but I feel like I've catered to her my whole life, and I don't know if I can do it again even just a little.  It doesn't help that my parents are divorced and there are family issues there as well.  I feel like I'm being selfish in putting myself and my family first, but I just can't find the will to start a relationship with her again. 

The holidays are coming up and things always get more intense during that time of year with lots of family events.  She won't even be around me so I don't know how that's going to work.  I just don't want to give in to her anymore.  I never expected this to go on for so long, but I was also really naive about the situation or maybe just in denial.  Sometimes I think I still am in denial. 

Any suggestions on mending relationship with a sibling with BPD and NPB traits?  I fear being pulled back in completely and don't know how to stay strong.   

[Harri]

Hi naiveoptimist and welcome to the site.  You are in the right place to get support and to talk with people who get it.  Oh and:  Congrats on the birth of your baby!

I undertand your concerns about re-establishing a relationship with your sister.  It is a difficult choice and one that is very personal.  There is not much you can do if she is not responding but what you can do is keep working on yourself in therapy and on this board.  That will allow you to decide what you want and determine the parameters of any relationship that may be possible for you. 

People with BPD do have trouble with empathy in that they may have it but what they do with it or how they handle it is very dysfunctional.  It is sometimes too overwhelming for them to handle and/or it may be felt as a threat to their own self and they can sometimes lash out.  It is very hurtful and frustrating to be on the receiving end of this.

I feel like I'm being selfish in putting myself and my family first, but I just can't find the will to start a relationship with her again.

It is not selfish to protect you and yours from harm or undue stress.  Nor is it selfish to expect your sister, regardless of her disorder, to be responsible for her own well being and to manage her well being responsibly disorder or no disorder.  A good thread to read is The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship .  it outlines what is needed to have a successful relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) and it can serve to help you set realistic goals and expectations as you decide whether to re enter any relationship with your sister.

 

I fear being pulled back in completely and don't know how to stay strong. 

We have many articles on topics ranging from self care (for you) to communication strategies and understanding the behaviors in a pwBPD that will help you to not fall back into the same old patterns with your sister.  I am glad you posted and reached out for help and as you jump in and post more we can better direct you towards speific tools that can help you.

Good to have you here.