Chronic depression and blame

[seanburger]

Hi everyone. I've been in a relationship with my BPDgf for a little over three years. She's classic BPD with a typical background - Childhood abandonment by her mother, sexually assaulted, promiscuity, attraction to physically and emotionally abusive men. I've dealt with lying, cheating and triangulation, projection, blame and guilt. Just like all of us, I struggle with being told I'm not doing enough, not understanding, and am the cause of everything wrong in her life. It's frustrating, since I've treated her very well, and do almost everything in our relationship regarding the day-to-day running of our life together. She is completely dependent on me. She's been unemployed for a year and a half and doers almost nothing but stay in bed and surf the internet. We haven't been physically intimate in over a year.  I've tried to support her and push her towards getting engaged in life again. She's obviously extremely depressed. She's told me she's suffered from extreme depression her entire life.

She's currently on a trip overseas with her mom (which I paid for) and is texting me about how depressed she is and how I am not taking her seriously and how it's an emergency that I'm ignoring. I'm feeling completely helpless and in a no-win situation. She doesn't want to do anything or see anyone, dismisses my suggestions of things to get out and do, yet tells me how boring her life (and by inference, me) is. I'm expected to just instinctively know what she needs and what I should be doing for her. If I ask her what she needs, I'm berated for not knowing what "99% of the people in the world would know." Obviously, the trip is a trigger for her and the stress must be extremely hard for her. I am concerned, though, because this is what happens every time she dysregulates. I get told that somehow I'm not doing enough, that I should know what I'm doing "wrong" and that her life is terrible.

I've told her I love her and am committed to her and helping her be happy in any way I can. I've suggested making a written plan of exercise and social activities that we can both commit to and hold each other accountable to. She has not responded. I've practiced SET religiously.

I know logically this is not on me. She's been depressed her entire life and, regardless of whether or not she blames me, it's clear I'm not all to blame. That having been said, I do want to do all I can to help her. It's just hard when I get nothing back from her. Any advice? And yes, I've read the lessons ;-)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi seanburger

Hmm, you've practiced SET religiously?  Care to show us in detail what one of your conversations looks like?

She said: xyz

I said: abc

She said: zpqlmnorrrrrbllllllllllech!

I said:  

The reason I'm asking is because I thought I had it all down pat, except things continued to spin out of control, leaving me feeling resentful and exhausted.

SET is a really good communication tool when used properly.  So is, 'Okay, think I'll go change the furnace filter and rake the leaves after that... .   Love ya and would like to discuss this later'  Meaning, don't stick around for circular agruments   :)etach with love.

[seanburger]

Hmm, you've practiced SET religiously?  Care to show us in detail what one of your conversations looks like?

She said: xyz

I said: abc

She said: zpqlmnorrrrrbllllllllllech!

Sure. I know I'm not perfect at SET but I try. Here's an example:

She Said: " I'm so f'ing depressed. It's so boring here. All i do is lay in bed. Can't you see how terrible that is for me?"

I said : "You must be so sad and frustrated. It sucks being stuck in the house without anything to do all day. It'd make anyone sad. Is there anything we can do to help alleviate some of the boredom? How about we make an exercise plan and work out together. We can keep each other accountable and it will get us out of the apartment. I love you and will do anything I can to help improve things."

She said: ":)on't you see how depressed I am? You can't see what's right under your nose."

This is almost verbatim.

Trust me when I tell you I can see how depressed she is. But then she'll cheer up and resist my continued suggestion to get out and do other things, saying she just enjoys being with me and doesn't enjoy being in social situations.

I've tried multiple approaches. If I ask her what she thinks might help, I am labelled as out of touch and stupid and/or uncaring. If I suggest concrete ideas, I am told that they won't help and are not addressing the "real issue." She has convinced me that I am the world's worst communicator since I can't read her mind or figure out what she wants without her actually expressing it. Maybe I AM a bad communicator. I don't know. But shouldn't she express what she feels she needs? 

Regarding detaching with love... .  she will often create a no-win situation with circular arguments and assertions of her feelings as absolute fact while invalidating my feelings. Past attempts to lovingly detach elicit the "you are a terrible communicator and a coward and don't want to deal with this." I have been getting better about detaching once I am sure she feels heard and will not feel abandoned.

Any advise or constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!

[Randi Kreger]

I know logically this is not on me. She's been depressed her entire life and, regardless of whether or not she blames me, it's clear I'm not all to blame. That having been said, I do want to do all I can to help her. It's just hard when I get nothing back from her. Any advice? And yes, I've read the lessons ;-)

I don't think this is about tools like SET. This is all about your mental space and what's going on inside your head. You SAY you're not to blame, but my guess is that somewhere in there you feel like you are, even though it's not logical. When we love people, we want to cure them or take away their pain. Ask a parent--when they can't, they feel guilty as hell. You can't do that. I think you need to radically accept:1. Your partner has BPD2. You cannot cure it or help her in the ways that you would like to. Sometimes the best help we can give people is to not take on their problems for them--especially the ones we can't solve. They won't look to us to solve them and we won't feel guilty or like a failure if we can't cure BPD.

I would suggest you read the information here about radical acceptance (you can google this and get 892340918240912 hits). You may THINK you have accepted it, but really you UNDERSTAND it.Acceptance is knowing deep in your bones that what is, is, and in the present moment we need to accept that and not judge it. We need to live in the present, not the past or future. BPD is a disorder like fibromyalgia is a disorder (which I heppen to have). I have accepted deep in my heart that I can't do things that I would like to do because of pain and fatigue. I could spend my days angry, but it won't help.Now, if I can't cure fibro, can my husband? Would I look to him to cure it? Actually, I try to protect him from the fallout when I can. When he gets irritable because I'm sick, I try to understand. I can't complain all the time.You can't cure BPD, no matter how much you love her. So the first thing I would do is learn to accept that. Once you have, more things will fall into place. Understanding is not the same as accepting.

If you go to DBTselfhelp they have a lot of info from Marsha Linehan's tapes.

[almost789]

Hi Seanburger, True, you can't fix it for her. They do not know what they need, but they know they need something. They do want you to read their mind and tell them what they need. Obviously, you can not do that. I've had issues with mine this way where I ask "what do you want?" What can I do? No response. They don't know. Does she have a good therapist? A good therapist could help her explore this and try to get in touch with her needs.

[briefcase]

I agree this isn't really a SET issue--although that's a helpful way to communicate. 

Next time try this:

Her:  Can't you see how depressed I am? How bored I am? etc.

You:  Yes. I see you are depressed/bored.  That must be very hard on you.  What do you plan to do about it?

You validate her feelings, but don't try to solve the problem for her.  It's not your job to cure her depression. 

[Randi Kreger]

I agree this isn't really a SET issue--although that's a helpful way to communicate.  Next time try this:Her:  Can't you see how depressed I am? How bored I am? etc.You:  Yes. I see you are depressed/bored.  That must be very hard on you.  What do you plan to do about it?You validate her feelings, but don't try to solve the problem for her.  It's not your job to cure her depression. 

... .  maybe, something a bit softer than "What do you plan to do about it" (so much depends on tone of voice and such).

[Rockylove]

seanburger... .  It's awful to watch a loved one spiral downward in depression.  My uBPDbf goes through terrible bouts of depression and said it's been this way his whole life!  I can't even imagine being that depressed that often!  I've had my moments, mind you, like anyone else where a situation had me so down I thought I'd never make it back up again but I thankfully got the therapy I needed to make the changes in me that keep me from getting to that point again. 

My bf hasn't.  He thinks that the only way to cure what ails him when he's depressed is to "trip"!  He won't even consider any other alternatives!  The funny thing is that he hasn't tried to find anything to "trip" on and wants ME to be the one to get it for him!  Good grief!  I'm not his mule.  It almost seems like he wants me to do that to prove my love to him (although he says I don't need to DO anything for him to love me) and it comes up during rages that I said I could but then couldn't and of course my word is no good and he takes care of me better than I take care of him. 

My point is unless someone who is chronically depressed makes a move toward getting help (whether it's medication, therapy or a combination of both) they are going to suck everyone close to them down in the whole with them if they can... .  misery loves company.  I don't have any answers on this one.  I just tell my bf that I love him and wish I could take away all his pain, but I know I can't.

[rosannadanna]

Hello seanburger  ,

I inherited depression from my mother (major depression with heavy codependency) and my father (cyclothymic bipolor/ocd with a splash of anxiety and BPD).  I remember having my first real episode when I was 26 and I went to my medical doctor and got on generic Prozac.  I have been off and on antidepressants since then (17 years) and am now on geneic Celexa.  Depression is inbedded within BPD for sure, but it can be devestating by itself.  My friend read a memoir of a writer who struggled with depression.  The writer said of her experience with depression:  "I'm the piece of sh!t that the world should revolve around."  If you add BPD to the mix, no wonder your girlfriend wants to blame you for her bad feelings.

Reducing symptoms of depression is a Catch-22.  Depression changes the brain chemistry so that one's cognitions are disorted to extreme negativity and hopelessness.  The depressed distortions can be reversed without medication, mostly through cognitive-behavioral therapy, meditation, getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy, and exercise.  But the catch-22 is that one is too depressed to actually do any of these things!

I think the best to jump start reversing the brain chemistry for your girlfriend is a little antidepressant.  She might have more energy and feel more positive and hopeful about her future.

This is just my opinion and I want to remind you that if she is also struggling with BPD (which is a personality D/O characterized by trouble with intimate relationships), you've got double duty as a partner.

Read all you can about BPD, radical acceptance, mindfulness, codependency, and boundaries.  You could probably benefit from therapy in which you can explore your codendency issues, possible dysfunctional  intimate relationship patterns , and how your FOO shaped who you are.

Take care!