Hi Jej,
I'm
so sorry you're going through this; I am, too, and many others here have been right where you are:
I have become very resentful after years of not being treated very well, and am not sure I have it in me anymore to keep giving. It is very one sided, it feels as if my other half doesn't care for me or my well being at all. I am in fact facing my own health scare now, and not once has he asked to see how I am. I'm getting angry at always being second best, always being second to his emotions.
It's very painful to be in a one-sided relationship. I can't count the number of times on the boards I've run into this same issue, people venting about this very thing, they feel that the relationship is radically unequal, with the Non (non-disordered partner) having to endlessly accommodate the unfair behavior of the pwBPD, with effectively zero expectation of having their own needs met. PwBPD can be so self-involved that it becomes absolute solipsism. These ostensible "partnerships" feel like nothing of the kind. After years of trying to find ways to make these pairings more equitable, and to have their own needs shown any interest by the pwBPD, a lot of Nons (myself included) have failed to turn up anything effective; for some of us, it comes down to either 1. Accepting that the relationship will always be one-sided if the pwBPD remains untreated, and remaining in the pairing anyway, or 2. Deciding that we want something more than a one-sided relationship, and getting out.
The thread quoted below does a good job of reminding Nons about "realistic expectations". In sum, we can't have the expectations we might usually have of what constitutes a relationship:
"A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have adult emotional skills ... .if you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior."
So we really can't expect any of the things we've come to think of as constituting the basic premise of relationships (respect, trust, fairness, interest in us/our feelings, etc). If we decide to remain with the pwBPD, we have to accept that the only kind of relationship possible with them might be radically different from the kind of relationship we're used to, or want for ourselves.
"Borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor". Essentially, to remain in this type of relationship, we must accept the role as emotional caretaker ... .The non basically has to be the adult and expect, especially pre-recovery, to be the 'bigger person' most times. This entails taking it on the chin, so to speak."
Doesn't sound much like a "relationship" does it?
What I would say, for whatever small comfort it can be, to your current situation is this:
1. No matter how vehemently he insists that "you've made his condition worse",
you are not responsible for his behavior. That's FOGging, pwBPD often try to make Nons feel like the dysfunctional behavior is their fault. It's not your fault, Jej.
2.
I hate what I am writing here about how I am treated. Starting to dislike myself for staying in such an impossible situation.
Please don't dislike yourself for staying. Beating ourselves up is the last thing we deserve. I can truly relate - I still can't quite believe that I'm in the relationship; I have no history of being a person who willingly accepts mistreatment. But I have to forgive myself and practice loving self-kindness. I have to try to get to a place where I'm either finally ready to weather the emotional and financial storm of leaving my BPDh, or where I can accept what is basically a shadow of what a relationship is supposed to be. Don't be hard on yourself. You're in an extremely difficult situation. Nons sometimes need to do some therapy work to figure out why we're letting the mistreatment happen, i.e. why we choose to stay, and gain the strength to make changes, but right now, self-acceptance and self-love are key.
I myself have tried in vain to find a local BPD Nons support group locally - perhaps you might have better luck? If you have friends, don't be shy about leaning on them. When things go bad with a pwBPD, it is a
profoundly stressful, sad, heartbreaking situation to be trapped in, and support matters. (I'm actually thinking of starting a Skype group for folks here, there's a need for more support, as many of us don't have local support groups, or access to an individual therapist.)
I'm sorry about your health scare, and hope it turns out to be nothing major.
Others have been where you are - so many people are going through the same anguish.
You are not alone, and, strangers though we are, please know that I care.
