I think she is going to call it quits... any advice?

[michel71]

Hello all. If you have read my other posts you have heard of my declining relationship. The day before my daughter visited me for the summer ( I share custody with my ex), my uBPDw and I got into a hum dinger of an argument. It all started when I sweetly and very politely asked her if she could help me with the dishes in the kitchen. She hadn't lifted a finger around the house, I was doing everything and I was getting very tired. Long story short it escalated into my telling her about my hurt feeling and her launching herself across the room, pushing and shoving me and telling me that she hates me. Since my daughter (age 10) was due to come the next day, I had to put this episode behind me quick, bury my feelings and try to "make nice" with my wife. It mostly has worked until recently when we got into a few disagreements (nothing heated) and she has been snippy with me, unavailable, taking her own kids here and there leaving me and my daughter notes that they are "out". I took her and her daughter and my daughter out to see a play and my wife was cold as ice. Never a thank you. Never shows appreciation most of the time on a good day to be said.

Mostly I feel like a slave to my wife and her daughter. I have to do EVERYTHING in top of working long hours. My wife does not currently work because she is finishing up some schooling. But she could actually work a bit but doesn't want to. Keeps saying her grades might drop. Meanwhile we continue to be strapped financially. But since its all about her all the time, my worries don't matter.

I am taking my daughter back to my ex on Saturday and then staying there for a week. I think when I come back into town the you know what will hit the fan. She has threatened before to go back to her home country so maybe this is what she wants to tell me. We have tried and tried to make this relationship work. I say "we" but lets just say it has been mostly me. Counseling has failed. She didn't like any of them. We have read books. We have tried to talk. Hard to communicate with the typical BPD on a good day, even using the tools, which, admittedly I am not great at, but I do try not to make a situation worse. You know the drill. Painted black. Projection. Rages. Feelings are facts.

I am feeling trepidation as much as I know that this would be for the best. As a matter of fact, I have come to radical acceptance that this is not going to change. I don't want to feel those feelings of despair, that ache in your heart and stomach when you are breaking up. I still love this woman but I can't take the ill treatment anymore. She has no respect for me. Nothing is good enough. Somebody once told me that I will be able to "end it" when I decide to love myself more than I love her. Whether I end it ( haven't had the guts yet) or she does, the end is the end and it is going to hurt like hell. She was the one I thought that I had been waiting for all my life. I thought she was a soul mate. I moved Heaven and Earth for her. Gave 100%... .literally... .love, money, health. If I stay it is like committing a slow suicide. But how will I cope with the loss of her, the loss of our dream?

[Waddams]

But how will I cope with the loss of her, the loss of our dream?

It's literally like recovering from an addiction to drugs or alcohol.  It takes time.  You focus on responsibility for yourself, taking care of you, and being the best dad you can be to your daughter.  Other than that, take it one minute at a time.

Are you taking any steps to prepare for her leaving?  Any steps to protect yourself and your interests?

[Mutt]

Hi michel71,

Hard to communicate with the typical BPD on a good day, even using the tools, which, admittedly I am not great at, but I do try not to make a situation worse.

I can understand the anxiety and stress with thoughts of ending your marriage. Do you have a little fight left for you for your marriage? You mentioned that you tried using the tools. I admit I'm working on getting better with the tools with practice, it can take time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey michel71, To me, the subject line of your post is telling, because it's about what she might do, which is something over which you have little or no control.  The real issue, in my view, is what you might do.  What do you want to see happen?  What is the right path for you?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

But how will I cope with the loss of her, the loss of our dream?

This fear is exactly the one that make many of us suffer. The answer to your question is SO WHAT.

My wife of 22 years suddenly died from a car accident 10 years ago and left me with 3 young daughters. So can I cope with that? I was in a shock at first, but I recovered with time. We are resilient, my friend.

Do you think your dream of a wonderful life with her is a reality NOW or it is just a dream?.

You should not let her call it quit, you must be the one that pull the trigger first. Otherwise, you will be walking away as a VICTIM.

[Aussie0zborn]

You should not let her call it quit, you must be the one that pull the trigger first. Otherwise, you will be walking away as a VICTIM.

Very true. I walked away once and was clean and free. I went back and she pulled the trigger... .it was not pleasant.

People with BPD don't call it quits and end the relationship with a handshake. If you let her call it quits it will be very ugly and very unpleasant for you. You can probably add 6-12 months to the usual 2 years recovery time if you don't do it first. You can be one step ahead and get out of there now.

What about "the dream"? Ah yes, it was all smoke and mirrors my friend. Do yourself a favour and act now, before you come to the attention of the police, before she can hold you to (emotional) ransom, etc etc.