Divorce Update

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After going on seven months living in a studio apartment and paying almost all of the bills during my divorce, our attorneys met during a pretrial conference yesterday and we finally heard what they are asking for. This is after they forced appraisals of two properties I own, both of which came in close to or exactly what I said they were worth, but only one-third as much as the other side claimed! Yes, they said my $90K summer cottage was worth $270K.

So what does my wife of 3.5 years ask for? Every penny I have in the bank plus 50% of marital retirement (of which I contributed 97%) plus $1500 a month in spousal support for 15 months. The total she asked for would leave me with $0 in the bank if I agreed on it, and $0 per month spending money outside of fixed expenses. Our counter offer was a total of $7500, 50% of the marital retirement, and $750 a month with credit for the seven months I have already paid spousal support for her to live in my home, leaving me only seven months of alimony.

Her attorney told mine that my offer was far less than I had offered in November, and my attorney responded "Sounds like you should have accepted that earlier offer". She is a more aggressive and thoughtful attorney than the lazy guy I first employed. She figured out how I had used premarital assets to pay for property, major home improvements, and pay down my mortgages, and since the appraisals came in lower than what I had based my original offers on, it significantly reduced my obligation.

Although I did not speak to my wife yesterday, and haven't for many months, she told her attorney to tell mine that she had found a letter from my (deceased) daughter in my home and that it wasn't kind to me. Now that is a class A evil woman to communicate something like that (not to mention rifling through my personal letters) because yesterday happened to be my deceased daughter's birthday. Yes, I know she is "not well", but I have to call a spade a spade. Cruel and hurtful behavior.

On my way out of the courthouse, she yelled at me "You are insane, mister!" I just kept walking.

We have a settlement conference set for the end of April, and will draft a settlement agreement to send to them next week. If they accept, the divorce could be granted any day between now and then. Meanwhile, based on my wife's poor behavior, I instructed my attorney to file motions against her for not completing her discovery and to reduce my temporary spousal support. Might motivate her to get the hell out of my house sooner rather than later.

The Teacher

[The Teacher]

After going on seven months living in a studio apartment and paying almost all of the bills during my divorce, our attorneys met during a pretrial conference yesterday and we finally heard what they are asking for. This is after they forced appraisals of two properties I own, both of which came in close to or exactly what I said they were worth, but only one-third as much as the other side claimed! Yes, they said my $90K summer cottage was worth $270K.

So what does my wife of 3.5 years ask for? Every penny I have in the bank plus 50% of marital retirement (of which I contributed 97%) plus $1500 a month in spousal support for 15 months. The total she asked for would leave me with $0 in the bank if I agreed on it, and $0 per month spending money outside of fixed expenses. Our counter offer was a total of $7500, 50% of the marital retirement, and $750 a month with credit for the seven months I have already paid spousal support for her to live in my home, leaving me only seven months of alimony.

Her attorney told mine that my offer was far less than I had offered in November, and my attorney responded "Sounds like you should have accepted that earlier offer". She is a more aggressive and thoughtful attorney than the lazy guy I first employed. She figured out how I had used premarital assets to pay for property, major home improvements, and pay down my mortgages, and since the appraisals came in lower than what I had based my original offers on, it significantly reduced my obligation.

Although I did not speak to my wife yesterday, and haven't for many months, she told her attorney to tell mine that she had found a letter from my (deceased) daughter in my home and that it wasn't kind to me. Now that is a class A evil woman to communicate something like that (not to mention rifling through my personal letters) because yesterday happened to be my deceased daughter's birthday. Yes, I know she is "not well", but I have to call a spade a spade. Cruel and hurtful behavior.

On my way out of the courthouse, she yelled at me "You are insane, mister!" I just kept walking.

We have a settlement conference set for the end of April, and will draft a settlement agreement to send to them next week. If they accept, the divorce could be granted any day between now and then. Meanwhile, based on my wife's poor behavior, I instructed my attorney to file motions against her for not completing her discovery and to reduce my temporary spousal support. Might motivate her to get the hell out of my house sooner rather than later.

The Teacher

[NewStart]

Hey Teacher,

It sounds like I'm in a similar situation, however my uBPDw and all our kids are still in my house together, the house she is now trying to take from me after only  2.5 years together.

How long has your whole divorce process taken?

Hang in there, sounds like you may be in the home stretch.

NS

[The Teacher]

I filed August 10th and had to move out August 15th after she wouldn't let me sleep for five days, called the police on me twice, and threatened to falsely accuse me of DV to make me lose my job (unless I agreed to withdraw the filing). My lawyer told me to get the heck out. The only sound advice he gave me as it turns out, but potentially career-saving.

I do think it's the home stretch. Funny how it is working out for her. I had assumed my cottage was worth 100K and offered her 5K in cash for a portion of the equity. She insisted on an appraisal, which her attorney delayed for two months. Got the appraisal ten weeks after I made my initial offer - it appraised at 90K.

So at court yesterday, she asked for 10K for the cottage, but by then my new attorney realized that I had made all of the payments on the cottage using premarital assets, so she was not due a penny of any equity. Even if she had been, by the time you subtract my down payment and new roof costs, there was no equity anyway. Her loss for delaying.

Then she went after my house. I own it outright, and like the cottage, I made all of the payments. However, I was paying down the house mortgage. We had to go in and figure out for every month for four years, how much of the overpayment of principal came out of my premarital assets. Turns out it was quite a bit. So after subtracting the down payment, major home improvement costs, and overpayment of principal, her share of the equity is 5 to 10K. The burden of proof is on me, but I have great records.

Then the spousal support. I'm a teacher. Asking for $1500 a month when I have three mortgage payments is outrageous, and asking for them for 15 months is even worse, because it ignored the fact that she has been living in my house for going on seven months without paying a dime for mortgage, utilities, health insurance, or car insurance. Last month, I thought she'd take herself off of my car insurance policy. Wishful thinking, not only did she not take herself off, she bought herself a new car, so my rates when up! Selling and buying a car were her second and third violations of the mutual restraining order issued in my state. The first was hiding my possessions during the first week I left the house. These violations are money in the bank of we have to go to trial, because they don't go away and will be used to demonstrate her poor character. Along with about 300 repulsive hateful texts and emails.

She's running out of options. I have to say I don't miss many of my possessions, but there's something about living in a studio apartment while your wife spends $2500 a month on dining and entertainment that gnaws at me. Me, I spent $12.50 on entertainment inn February and $13 dining out. That includes starbucks. I've been watching every penny. That she would demand exactly the amount of money I have in the bank as a settlement just irked me. It's typical of her spiteful evil nature. Punishment for daring to divorce her and get on with my life.

I've learned so much about relationships since this started. I don't intend to marry again, or even cohabitate with someone, but at least I know how to spot the signs if I do date again.

The Teacher