Where did I go wrong :(

[Yepanotherone]

Having one of those evenings Having one of those evenings .DD16 attended her therapist today, this is only her third session with this new one . At the end of her session , the therapist called me in and said " I just want to ask you to make it okay for DD to ask for your attention, I know it's hard, you work and you have another daughter" . Just that one statement has really got me  have I not been attentive enough ? I've been racking my brains going back over the last 16 years, trying to figure out when my DD might not have felt I was attending to her needs . I just feel gutted and have spent the whole evening in tears , my poor husband not knowing what to do with me . I've scoured the Internet searching for the answers as to what I might have done wrong. I thought I had always placed my kids first , myself and husband have rarely gone anywhere without them, even one night weekend breaks just hubby and I when they were little were extremely rare . I only ever worked part time until they were older, and when they were ill, I'd never leave their side. My DD was a very ill baby , right up until she was about two years old , and every time she was admitted to hospital , I'd insist on a camp bed right by her cot. I didn't return to my house for five days at one point when she was admitted with seizures.

Did I give her cause to ever feel abandoned , unloved or not attended to? Obviously i must have .

Just venting sorry

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

It's hard enough when we question ourselves and our parenting as to why our kids are the way they are.  I'm sorry that the therapist was insensitive in her approach to convey such a sensitive topic.  From what you have posted, you have been there for your DD through a lot.  Don't allow someone who doesn't fully know your situation to devalue you based off of what your DD said.  My DD loves to paint me in a bad light.  It's always how I do more for her brother than her and care more about him; how I don't care about her. How I've given up on her.  That is not true at all.  Even when the police were trying to say I was neglectful, while I did break down over them assuming that was the case, I know in my heart that I am not and that they don't know anything about what I've been through with my DD and how I've still stood by her.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.  Nobody knows what we go through until they themselves have been through it. 

[mggt]

You did not do anything wrong , it is this terrible disease not you or any of us .  We have given our lives to our children and somehow we the parents still get blamed .  People are ignorant this disease is so complex no one can really understand unless they have walked in our shoes .   

[Rockieplace]

It is hard not to take any hints and suggestions personally. I have had a similar experience to you with the care coordinator intimating things that my d had told her that were definitely untrue. My d's perception of many things that happened during her youth differ totally from our recollections and she changes her mind herself to add to the confusion. I have to tell myself that the 'experts' are very used to hearing the often distorted views from their clients and appreciate that, while having to validate - just like we do -are aware that the person with BPD is suffering from a mental illness.

I try very hard not to JADE and gradually getting better at it.

I'm sure that your d got more than her fair share of attention. In fact I think that her sibling would absolutely confirm this.  I suspect the therapist knows this too. Maybe that is why he/she decided to warn you so that you could be prepared!  When it happened to me I just said that I'm sorry she felt this way  I see things differently and left it at that.

As others have said before no-one knows like us how this horrible illness affects all involved. Big hugs   x

[Lollypop]

Hi

It's hard not to react especially when somebody doesn't have the full picture. I've spent months going through every tiny detail of bringing up my BPDs25. Asked myself question after question. I finally realised it's futile looking back, even if I wasn't the perfect parent (and still not) I can't change what's happened.

I've learnt that my BPDs needs me to be a different parent than the one I was.

I know that feeling of going over a conversation again and again. Always thinking of a better answer I might have given or seeing some new potential meaning as to what they may have been getting at. My head was like a washing machine sometimes. This is just wasted energy and I've more important things that I need to do.

So getting back to the therapist's request. It was a simple request made to you. She demonstrated to your daughter how to ask you and she qualified it with an acceptance that you have other responsibilities. Your daughter will learn from that.  She asked for your help. She wants you to be OK when your daughter needs your attention. She didn't say you don't help, to me I think she implied your daughter felt she couldn't ask. I may of course be entirely wrong.

I've worked really hard on trying to improve communication in my home as it was so poor. I actually thought it was good! I've been so wrong with a lot of things but I'm trying to find a way forward for us. I've a long way to go.

Personally speaking, I demonstrate to my own kids that they don't always come first. This is a serious change in my own behaviour. I matter. I have a life. That doesn't mean that I don't or won't help them but I was too focussed and I did way way too much. I stunted his growth. I had no life or joy of my own.

I hope this helps you

L

[Yepanotherone]

Thankyou everyone for your replies it truely helps.

I've spent the last few months trying to be 100% available for my DD , I gave up working for a while too so that I can taxi her around to appointments and her work commitments . I've only just started a new job this week , but it's still part time.

My daughter is lying on top of her bed right now on her phone, completly closed off as per the usual.

I try to have conversations with her that go deeper than the usual day to day stuff but she just shuts me down.

A few mins ago, I asked her if she is going to drivers Ed class today or not . I got a mumbled " no". I asked any reason why not ? She said " I don't like that school and I'm not setting foot in it again. What do I do though about make up classes ?" We've  been round this issue a few times. I observe her looking very down , not motivated to do much of anything. So I mentioned that I was wondering if she is on the right combination of meds because she still looks very sad . I got my head in my hands for suggesting that and was promptly told to go away and leave her alone because she doesn't want to have this conversation with me.

So I just said " I don't know what else to do DD, I'm your mum and I love you and I always will and I always will be here for you. I want to help you but you won't let me. If you would tell me what you need me to do to help you through this , I'd do it. But you shut me out . If there is something that I'm not doing already that you need me to do, I'd love for you to tell me because right now I don't understand. It hurts that you seem to be growing more and more distant by the day. "

She continued to just play with her phone.

I'm just at a loss. My other daughter (19)  comes to me when she's in pain or worrying about something , she still wants me to crawl in beside her and give her a hug when she's upset. I just don't get this

I'm actually wondering if I should book myself in for a session with the same therapist. I have never suffered from mental illness in my lifetime, but my gosh , I don't think I've ever felt so low . I'm not clinically depressed but I can see how it can happen! I feel very alone , my family are in the UK and we really don't know anyone here well enough for me to open up to. I want to learn how best to support my DD . But wondering if it's a good idea to go to the same therapist as my DD. Anyone have any thoughts on this ?

Thankfully I go home for a vacation at the end of this month , I need a big hug and a shoulder from my own mum !:)

[Yepanotherone]

Ray I've read through a lot of your earlier postings , before I actually started posting myself. To be absolutely honest I was horrified and very scared  when I read what you've been through and what you continue to go through. My experience so far is not even close to what you've gone through and i can only hope to be even half as strong a mum as you are.

It's hard enough when we question ourselves and our parenting as to why our kids are the way they are.  I'm sorry that the therapist was insensitive in her approach to convey such a sensitive topic.  From what you have posted, you have been there for your DD through a lot.  Don't allow someone who doesn't fully know your situation to devalue you based off of what your DD said.  My DD loves to paint me in a bad light.  It's always how I do more for her brother than her and care more about him; how I don't care about her. How I've given up on her.  That is not true at all.  Even when the police were trying to say I was neglectful, while I did break down over them assuming that was the case, I know in my heart that I am not and that they don't know anything about what I've been through with my DD and how I've still stood by her.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.  Nobody knows what we go through until they themselves have been through it. 

[Lollypop]

Hi again

This really resonated:

"I try to have conversations with her that go deeper than the usual day to day stuff but she just shuts me down."

I used to pray, I'd dig, I'd manoeuvre, I'd go round the houses.

Finally, I learnt the best way was to not try. The day to day stuff is just fine. My BPDs needed space and I needed to go gently.

For my son to open up, which he has started to do, I found the key was that he needed to feel safe to do so and it takes patience, time and lightness of touch. I ask a question, I listen to the reply, I answer non- judgementally "oh"  when I can think of nothing else. There's lots of pauses.

Slowly, he'd test the water with me. Calm atmosphere, trust takes time to build. My BPDs had years of me reacting. I had to prove I'd changed or at least was trying.

So every sorry if I sound preachy. I'm just saying how it's been for me

[Yepanotherone]

You're not preaching at all, I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences X I more often than not tend to veer on your approach too , but sometimes , especially when she is evidently very down, I find it really hard not to invade her space and I try and get her to open up. She never does though , at least not with me. She talks with her friends and with this therapist so at least she is venting somewhere !

This evening as I was cooking dinner, she came up to me and gave me a hug. No words, just a hug. Her dad got one too when he came in the door. She even came for a walk with us and the dog this evening. Those little gestures that I used to take for granted have become our magical fairy dust , I'll hopefully sleep better tonight rather than the tossing and turning and sleeping with one eye open that has become my norm !

Hi again

This really resonated:

"I try to have conversations with her that go deeper than the usual day to day stuff but she just shuts me down."

I used to pray, I'd dig, I'd manoeuvre, I'd go round the houses.

Finally, I learnt the best way was to not try. The day to day stuff is just fine. My BPDs needed space and I needed to go gently.

For my son to open up, which he has started to do, I found the key was that he needed to feel safe to do so and it takes patience, time and lightness of touch. I ask a question, I listen to the reply, I answer non- judgementally "oh"  when I can think of nothing else. There's lots of pauses.

Slowly, he'd test the water with me. Calm atmosphere, trust takes time to build. My BPDs had years of me reacting. I had to prove I'd changed or at least was trying.

So every sorry if I sound preachy. I'm just saying how it's been for me

[Lollypop]

What a wonderful moment for you all. Such a small act and fully inclusive too. No words needed.

Here's another one winging its way ... .HUG!

Sleep well