So…. I wrote the letter

[HappyGoLucky]

I haven't posted for some time due to lots of reasons and trying to get my life back on track. My brother had recently passed away and my sisters and I have been dealing with my BPD mother.

My DD is in prison and will be for at least two years. I have had NC for a while… but my sister has been giving me information as my DD has been communicating with my mother….(another story!)

I received a letter…... so… I read it…. while drinking a red wine I decided that for the first time I am going to give it back! DD's letter was very hurtful and she is not taking responsibility for her behaviour. She is still blaming everyone else for her situation and isn't even close to accepting that she has created her own problems. I was even tempted to send back to her all the copies of the emails that she had sent me with all the abuse etc written in black and white, but decided that it was enough to stand my ground for the first time ever. I wrote the letter knowing full well it was going to be read before she gets it and that when she reads it she will be given the help and support that she will need. I also felt that it was time to tell my version of the truth while she was not drugged or drunk.

My mother was expecting to receive the letter first, read it and then pass it onto me. Luckily enough my sister intercepted it and passed it onto me without my mother reading it first. So…. I am feeling like I have had a small win in this situation as I am not telling anyone in my family what I have written. It is simply none of their business. I have been unsupported pretty much all of my life, my sisters have finally realised that our mother is the same (antics from my mother while my brother was dying) and while my brother was dying my sister had communication with my uncle about my mother as her antics were pretty disgusting and for the first time in my life…. it was mentioned that my mother had some issues when she was growing up. Funny that it happens that I am now 54 years of age and that for the first time ever my sisters and brother could start to join the dots of her behaviour and acknowledge that she has BPD. We had an amazing day, as we were sitting by his bedside talking about our upbringing.I went home from the hospital, when we reached that lightbulb moment and cried solidly for a couple of hours. It was kept a secret…... and we as children now are all on the same page! The thing is this…... behaviours in isolation don't ring alarm bells……. but when you have a pattern of destructive behaviours and we have all be subjected to it at various times of our lives… sometimes together and other times as individuals, as young children we had no idea that it was not normal!

Anyway… feeling calm about my response to to my daughter, knowing that she will be getting some help  and the fact that I love her and will lover her forever but will not tolerate her violence and abuse anymore.

HappyGoLucky

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

happygolucky,

My daughter is in jail as well. DD28 has failed her probation for multiple harrassment and domestic charges for the past 2 years. She has been offered many many resources to choose a better life in that time. My family also received many episodes of rage and hateful threats. I realize now that her drug use pushed her projection of her misery. I try to remember that she is suffering greatly and her rages and threats are driven from that pain. This has helped give me strength to put protective boundaries in place over the past 5 years.

She has been transferred to a new jail in another city. She has finally accepted that she made bad choices that brought her here. She has a goal to live a better life. She wants to restore her relationship with her daughter that lives with dh and I. Gd wants nothing to do with her mom now. I am hopeful that things can really change for her. She has to make this happen.

It is a trying learning process to be consistent in these values/safety based boundaries and to find the grace to love her and express that to her through validation skills. It will always be a process for me.

Are you able to get support for yourself while your DD is safe in jail? Can you work through the tools and lessons on the sidebar to the right? Yours is a very complex situation with your BPD mom trying to run the show. It is such a good thing for you and your siblings to find strength in each other. There is great healing power in sharing your common story within a safe environment.

It took a lot of courage for me to let go of my strong control needs and belief in "I can do this on my own" before things started to improve. In the past year or so I have reached out to build a strong support network for myself. I cannot do this on my own.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Healing for you, for your DD, and for your family.

qcr 

[pessim-optimist]

I am sorry for your loss, happygolucky. 

It sounds like you have had the opportunity to spend some good quality time with your brother... .And that your sisters and you are now in a better place of understanding your past!

Do you expect your dd to answer back? How long have you been NC before her last e-mail?

We have had a troubled relationship with our dd33 (my step-daughter) - several cycles of NC, and lots and lots of hurtful accusations... .We have 3 grandkids from her.

It can be really hurtful to be on the receiving end of accusation e-mails/letters... .

[Rapt Reader]

qcarolr has some good insights into a situation that is similar to yours, happygolucky 

I'm wondering what you put in that letter to your daughter?

What are you expecting as a response?

[HappyGoLucky]

Thank you for your replies.

My family has endured many, many years of issues with our DD. Our DD is 29 years of age and it seems that over the years the more we helped her, the worse it actually got. We are in a position of damned if you do and damed if you don't. We love her dearly, have tried everything that we could to help and support over the years but to no avail. So, for our own wellbeing which includes our 30 year old son we have had to stop. We tried to stop things escalating only to find that what we were trying to stop actually happened anyway. NC has been extremely hard for us as we do love her but we cannot help her. We have had many years of counselling to get to this stage. Radical acceptance of what has happened and what is yet to come who knows.


For the first time… I said how I actually feel. We have suffered much in relation her to behaviour and even though we have been there to help her…. she has finally ended up in the place that we couldn't believe would actually happen. For the first time I wrote how her behaviour has impacted the rest of the family and what did she expect us to do. We did things for her out of love and care for her welfare. I wrote about how it has impacted her brother who now realises that he no longer can have a relationship with her. I wrote about how our lives have been turned upside down because of her accusations that her father sexually abused her which is completely untrue.

It is very sad as things that she has told people are complete lies but seems to be her reality. So… for the fist time I wrote how I felt and reminded her of the untruths that she has told. The impact those lies have had on us all and how we live in a small community that seems to judge before knowing the full story. I wrote all of this knowing that when our DD read it… she would be supported and comforted. Maybe the prison officers may now some family history with another version of the truth. Our house was trashed, our lives turned upside down just because she wanted to hurt us.  

I realise that some people reading this may totally disagree with me but my family has come to the end of our rope. NC is keeping us sane, we can focus on our beautiful grandchildren and try to be happy. I think of her everyday and can't help but get a little sad. But, it is what it is and I cannot change the past. Whatever we did for her we did out of love. We know that…. but our DD can only see how we have ruined her life. It is time for her to take responsibility for her behaviour and it is now up to her to make changes if she wants a relationship with her family.  In prison we feel that at least she will be alive, has food and shelter and can make changes if she wants to. It's up to her.

Cheers

HappyGoLucky

[HappyGoLucky]

In addition to my last post…... I am not expecting a reply just yet. I know she will be angry, hurt and upset. But…. I have spent the last 16 years in turmoil. My brother just recently died of melanoma, I have a sister battling breast cancer, a mother who is UBPD, 2 other members of my immediate family have died of cancer over the years as well.

So… in my wisdom…. I have decided to look after myself, my husband and son. I have decided not to take the testing for Lynch Syndrome (cancer in families) and get on with my life… I am 54 years of age, grey and have weathered many storms with family sickness and mental health issues. I have a void, I love my DD but…... I remember what a specialist said to me when she was 15 years of age. It hit me hard…. He said that my daughter would end up in prison.

I was mortified…... I could not believe that he told me this…... but it was true…. The other thing that he said to me was…. " I can't help your daughter but I can help the rest of the family." To this day I remember his words as if they were yesterday. Unfortunately it has taken me 15 years to accept what he had to say. The thing is… he had seen many cases like this before…. what do you tell the parents of a young person who has exactly the same tendencies as my DD. We do not and will not accept it. The best thing for my family was to stop the denial.

I hope I have not offended anyone with my remarks. It is hard to let go and yes I have been very angry at the system letting us down. But…. 'some people are just broken' and we need to accept that.

The sun shines today and will again tomorrow even if its through the clouds.

Cheers HappyGoLucky

[Rapt Reader]

You will find no judgment from the parents on this Board, happygolucky 

We all know what you have been dealing with regarding your daughter, and the added losses of your family members must be devastating... .I'm so very sorry for your losses. It's never easy dealing with loved ones with BPD, and with your daughter and Mom in your life, navigating those waters would be tricky at best. And those rapids are different for each one of us, and handling them are different for each one of us, too.

Is your daughter actually diagnosed? Has she ever gotten some sort of treatment? Is she being treated for mental health issues in prison? Is there any chance she will accept her need for help in that way?

I'm curious if you've ever read the links to the right-hand side of this page? There is a lot of information there to help make sense of what you've been going through with your daughter, and on the [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board you will find Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse that could help you deal with your Mom if you think that would be beneficial for you.

Does your Mom cause you angst in your life? Do you think your feelings about your daughter might be tangled up with your feelings about your Mom? I don't have a Mother with BPD, but my Husband does, and before he realized it was happening, his reactions to and feelings about our BPD son were colored by his relationship and childhood with his Mom. It's just a thought... .

Your situation is stressful and awful, happygolucky, and everything you are feeling and doing is certainly quite understandable to all of us on the Parenting Board 

[qcarolr]

happygolucky  

This board is a good place to be vulnerable and honest - we each do our best to be good listeners without judgement. Our journeys are painful and long so we need to be here to support each other. When I first arrived here at bpdfamily in 2009 I worked through the Survivors guide that Rapt Reader references. It was a good place for me to start. I also read "High Conflict Couples" -- which helped me open a dialogue with dh that continues today. We are much better able to support each other - though not always! It also introduced me to DBT principles and skills -- like Radical Acceptance. Sounds like you have been working with this in therapy already.

Detaching from my DD28 has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I carried so so much guilt and sadness in the beginning making myself sick. Accepting that taking care of my needs took some time too. As I gained more peace and rest to fill up the emptiness inside, I found that I was able to have contacts with my DD that have slowly led to a better relationship with her. She has been in and out of jail, all for misdemeanors with DUI or domestic violence for several years now. She was also very violent and threatening in our home, traumatizing my gd9 to the point that she wants no contact with her mom.

My thinking is kind of jumbled here. I am trying to express how OK it is for you to make the choices that help the most in your life, your home, with your family. NC now is OK. As you find some healing, and there are many losses you have faced recently, you may find a path to reconnecting with your DD.

Being emotionally honest in your letter is OK too. With your D in prison this is a safe time to be open and honest with her. I have gotten many hateful, blaming letters from jail and texts/phone calls. I learned to say I am not taking this name calling (or whatever) - I am turning off my phone for today - you can call when you get some self-control back. It seems like you are focused on letting go of any expectations for your DD's response. Accepting whatever comes from her when it gets here.

I also agree that the system is broken and yet it is up to my DD to feel her experiences fully before she can own them. As she has started to take tiny baby steps in accepting responsibility for her part of where she is now, I have a little more hope that she can maintain a new direction when she gets out in two months. And then I have to let go of that expectation, turn my mind back to my life right now, trust that I will have what I need as the next step comes... .

Hang in there. Come back and share as you desire. I understand.

qcr

[MammaMia]

Happygolucky

I too have been where you are now.  With your dd safe in prison, it is a good time to tell it like it is, and she will have plenty of time to think about what you have said. That is a good thing.

We all reach a point in dealing with our adult BPD children when we desperately need a break from the years and years of stress and chaos. When we finally accept the reality that there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help them, it is a personal opportunity to change course. With the passage of time, we actually start to feel relief at not having to deal with the daily drama, frustration, and pain.

Take this time to focus on improving the quality of your own life. You still have many stressers to deal with, but you MUST make it a priority to take care of yourself. Set limits on your time commitments to others and define the amount of responsibility you can comfortably handle. Ask for help. Enjoy quality time with friends and family that are NOT part of caregiving. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.

No one can be everything to everyone without being at risk for physical and emotional burnout.  

Take care and be well. 

[HappyGoLucky]

Thank you for your kind replies.

I have used many tools offered here on this board.

I am thankful and grateful that this board exists!

The sun really is shining today!

At some point I will write about my 'arts' project which will be highlighted in Regional South Australia in the coming year (2015). It is a range of sculptures, posters and banners that will be showcased in hospital settings around South Australia and will finish at the Flinders Medical Centre in Adelaide in 2016. It is primarily about supporting families of those with mental health issues and opening up transparent conversations between families, communities and the various departments that deal with mental health. The focus will be on Mind, Body Wellness.

This is a positive step for me and I am sure many may wish to find out more.

It is using artistic endeavours to help with our own healing.

Cheers

HappyGoLucky

[qcarolr]

At some point I will write about my 'arts' project which will be highlighted in Regional South Australia in the coming year (2015). It is a range of sculptures, posters and banners that will be showcased in hospital settings around South Australia and will finish at the Flinders Medical Centre in Adelaide in 2016. It is primarily about supporting families of those with mental health issues and opening up transparent conversations between families, communities and the various departments that deal with mental health. The focus will be on Mind, Body Wellness.

This is a positive step for me and I am sure many may wish to find out more.

It is using artistic endeavours to help with our own healing.

I will look forward to your sharing about this project. Are there any plans to publish this exhibit in a way we could share this too? Or I could find a way to make a journey to South Australia  

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders