Belittling

[heyhey]

Did anyone else ever feel like their ex at times belittled them.  I feel like my ex did but not so much with words.  Some times I feel like she tried to belittle me through subtle actions.  I'm pretty sure this is a common thing with BPD, I just want to confirm that I'm not the only one that experienced this.

Thanks

[apple]

My uBPDexw would do it with slight digs and for many years I wasn't aware as to what she was doing. Very cunning way of putting one down in the slightest passive aggressive way.

[heyhey]

Yeah I don't know what's worse, an insult that's straight forward or passive.  Either way it sucks.  I'm not proud of it but I caught on to her methods and would usually return the favor.

[lhd981]

While I brushed it off as her "being stressed" when it happened, yes, there were quite a few instances when her words and actions alike had a belittling/passive aggressive motivation. Funny enough, she once accused me of putting her down and backed it up by saying "I think you put me down at times... . in your own way". Projection much?

[VeryFree]

She didn't belittle me, but she did belittle others imho.

When in a meeting speaking through things that should happen, I felt like she was talking to little kids.

I once said that to her and she told me that she didn't notice. No arguing, no denying. Just listened to me like an adult.

The next time though she would do it again.

[Clearmind]

Did anyone else ever feel like their ex at times belittled them.  I feel like my ex did but not so much with words.  Some times I feel like she tried to belittle me through subtle actions.  I'm pretty sure this is a common thing with BPD, I just want to confirm that I'm not the only one that experienced this.

Thanks

Yes its controlling - a way to control because they feel they don't have any.

How are you processing this now you are no longer in the relationship matt? Did you notice the belittling while you were in the relationship?

[Validation78]

Anyone who puts us down, and belittles us, BPD or not, is not our friend, and sure doesn't love us. When someone does such a thing, it is clear that they are the ones feeling insecure about themselves. People who care about us want what's best for us, are happy when we excel, celebrate our triumphs with us. Anything else is not acceptable, and it says everything about who they are!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[leftbehind]

My ex would say things like, "it's so cute that you snore, you sound just like a bear!"  as if it was affectionate.

Then he would say, "I love the way you chew so loudly, even when you're mouth is closed!"  My jaw clicks a lot, so although I close my mouth when I chew it's really loud, and it embarrasses me.

Next it was, "It's so cute that you're hard of hearing!"  (I'm ten years older than my ex.)

Everything was said like he found these traits endearing.  Now that I know more about BPD, he most likely found these same traits disgusting when he split me black.  And I'm left feeling unattractive because he felt so free to speak these "Compliments" to me.

[bewildered2]

Anyone who puts us down, and belittles us, BPD or not, is not our friend, and sure doesn't love us. When someone does such a thing, it is clear that they are the ones feeling insecure about themselves. People who care about us want what's best for us, are happy when we excel, celebrate our triumphs with us. Anything else is not acceptable, and it says everything about who they are!

Best Wishes,

Val78

i couldn't agree more.

and if we treated them to some of the same treatment, i wonder how long they's put up with it?

b2

[snappafcw]

My ex used to belittle me by saying "I don't earn enough money" or "I earn ok money but i spend it on nothing but stupid stuff"

Want to know the funny thing? Every spare cent I had i used to make sure her needs were met and she didn't go without. All the flowers, groceries to her door, Hair appointments, money when she needed it, dates... .  I paid for everything and for my ex to say that (before i found out she was BPD) really crushed me. And it was part of the reason for her leaving me.

[crashintome]

She would belittle me when she didn't get her way.  I always equated it to a little kid saying "I hate you" when they didn't get their way.

Even after spending thousands of dollars on her, she told me I was selfish because I told her I couldn't be with her without a commitment.  She said she needed time to get over her ex, yet she was dating other women.  But I was the selfish one for not continuing to be her bank roll.

In her mind, if she called me names, I guess she thought I would try to prove her wrong.  Not this time

[snappafcw]

Sometimes i would give her money and do nice things and she wouldn't even thank me. Must be that sense of entitlement that they have... .  

[lhd981]

Crashintome:

Your story (and from the other thread) really hits close to home and it stings to read. It's almost exactly what happened with my first BPD exgf. She basically implied that I was selfish for not wanting to support her after our breakup (and she immediately began seeing other men). She felt this was normal behavior and didn't understand why I'd be upset. She called me selfish too. After all I did... .  and I'm not even talking about the money I gave her.

If she wants to see other women while not committing to you, then let them bankroll her! I know it's hard when you have history with somebody, especially if they have a propensity for tragedy in their lives, but ultimately, you don't owe that kind of (financial) commitment to anybody.

Yes, it's a huge level of entitlement, and it truly does feel like a little kid temper tantrum when they don't get their way. It all makes sense, as their BPD developed during those crucial developmental years in their lives. Sure, they may seem like fully grown adults, but their egos are as fragile as that of a small child.

[heyhey]

Yes its controlling - a way to control because they feel they don't have any.

How are you processing this now you are no longer in the relationship matt? Did you notice the belittling while you were in the relationship?



Yes I would notice little things here and there that I felt were intentional. It still bothers me, I have a sensitive ego(I know call the WHAMBULANCE) and anything negative directed towards me I take to heart.  I keep telling myself its because of her disorder but that doesn't take away the negative emotions I feel.  Its hard to believe that a person that seemed so loving could turn so cruel.  Nature of the beast I guess.

[VeryFree]

I'll have to change my first post. If giving all your money and be told that it isn't enough; if working fulltime (and more) and be told you're lazy; if doing all she wants and be told you're selfish; if all that is belittling: then yes, she did.

[Clearmind]

Often we don't want to see the relationship for what it is because we want the relationship so bad - we want the attachment - we want to feel needed, to feel loved.

Its worth exploring why you didn't set boundaries or realize that it wasn't about you - self blame and self criticism is something to work with.

A healthy ego is OK - work on what it is within you that chose to stay in this relationship despite the belittling and control exercised on you - because in my view conditional love is not love - its need.

[heyhey]

I feel that I set boundaries, she violated two important ones and that's why the relationship ended.  I do believe I need to work on myself I clearly have some attachment issues. The relationship was rather short though, two months actually, so I didn't have to put up with too much BS.  I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns and ending the relationship when she violated those boundaries.  Though the relationship was short we have history together from when we worked at the same place.  She is an attractive girl and fun to be around when the BPD is in check.  I fell in love with the girl I knew before the relationship. The five years we worked together she was an awesome person so much fun to be with and she always had a thing for me.  That's why when the relationship lasted only two months I was kinda scratchin my head.

[Sharkey167]

My personal favorite when she was off in wonderland was "Your not a man your a boy, a real man would be able to handle this!" Oh yeah? And someone who actually loved someone as much as you claim to wouldn't subject them to this horrible treatment!

[heyhey]

My personal favorite when she was off in wonderland was "Your not a man your a boy, a real man would be able to handle this!" Oh yeah? And someone who actually loved someone as much as you claim to wouldn't subject them to this horrible treatment!

I know right.  My ex once got mad at me when I didn't bring her cigarettes when I said I would.  She told me "When you tell someone you're going to do something, you do it."

That rule didn't apply when she told me she was going to stay at a girlfriends overnight but stayed with her ex instead. Talk about double standards.

[Findingmysong723]

Matt81,

I had to comment to your thread. My Ex Boyfriend told me he wanted a "Woman" not a girl, saying that I wasn't living up to his standards for a girlfriend. Also, telling me that confidence was attractive, when he was the one who helped to lower my self esteem! The comment about wanting a "Woman," pis*ed me off, because basically he was a child emotionally and in reality he just wanted someone to  take care of him! I think he might of fought his neediness at times, going back in forth between not doing enough or too much... .  ah that situation was too much!

[Findingmysong723]

Ah Sorry, I looked to quick, I was commenting to Sharkey167.

[expos]

Some good ones from my ex-wife:

1.  "Worst trip ever."  (On the way home from visiting my parents for the weekend.  I would have never said - and never did say those things - whenever we visited her parents.)

2.  "Why couldn't you be a doctor?"  (She said this in front of my physician friend and his wife while we were out to dinner with them.)

3.  "If you like this movie you have serious issues" (After any independent film or weird movie that I ended up really liking.)

4.  "If you gained more weight I'd be more inclined to have sex with you" and "you look sickly" (I was training for a marathon at the time and was very lean = 8%  body fat)

5.  "These past two years have been the worst years of my life" (during our marriage)

6.  "Your mom is a btch" (said about my own mom)

7.  "The amount of money you make is pathetic for your experience and amount of hours you work (referring to my job, obviously, when in fact I do just fine and I'm well respected within my department).

I could go on and on.  But end result is that I asked for a divorce.   With the divorce, she lost her dream home, the diamonds on her fingers, her perceived status, and most importantly... .  ME.  I was one of the best things in her life and she may not realize this until years down the road when she's alone and upset.  Her belittling was eventually her demise.

[heyhey]

Matt81,

I had to comment to your thread. My Ex Boyfriend told me he wanted a "Woman" not a girl, saying that I wasn't living up to his standards for a girlfriend. Also, telling me that confidence was attractive, when he was the one who helped to lower my self esteem! The comment about wanting a "Woman," pis*ed me off, because basically he was a child emotionally and in reality he just wanted someone to  take care of him! I think he might of fought his neediness at times, going back in forth between not doing enough or too much... .  ah that situation was too much!

And I bet if you acted more confident he would have criticized that too saying you were arrogant.  They are never happy .

[heyhey]

Some good ones from my ex-wife:

1.  "Worst trip ever."  (On the way home from visiting my parents for the weekend.  I would have never said - and never did say those things - whenever we visited her parents.)

2.  "Why couldn't you be a doctor?"  (She said this in front of my physician friend and his wife while we were out to dinner with them.)

3.  "If you like this movie you have serious issues" (After any independent film or weird movie that I ended up really liking.)

4.  "If you gained more weight I'd be more inclined to have sex with you" and "you look sickly" (I was training for a marathon at the time and was very lean = 8%  body fat)

5.  "These past two years have been the worst years of my life" (during our marriage)

6.  "Your mom is a btch" (said about my own mom)

7.  "The amount of money you make is pathetic for your experience and amount of hours you work (referring to my job, obviously, when in fact I do just fine and I'm well respected within my department).

I could go on and on.  But end result is that I asked for a divorce.   With the divorce, she lost her dream home, the diamonds on her fingers, her perceived status, and most importantly... .  ME.  I was one of the best things in her life and she may not realize this until years down the road when she's alone and upset.  Her belittling was eventually her demise.

Wow, those are some harsh statements. Sorry you had to put up with that.  Once you're painted black you can do no right.  They always want the opposite of whatever you have to offer once they turn on you.

[snappafcw]

Thanks expos i feel a little better now knowing it wasn't just me. But i guess it does come down to they mirror us at first and thats what we like and then she suddenly turned and it wasn't just with what she said. her whole personality and even how she looked. I blocked her on facebook the other day (after i found she unblocked me for some reason) and her photos now make her look almost unrecognizeable. She seems to look more provocative/conceited in her style now if that makes sence. i guess she has taken on a new identity. I feel bad for her.

[oricle]

I think belittling was the one thing she did the most in my relationship with my uexBPDgf, wether it was everything... .  and I really didnt even notice it that much or notice the effect that it was having on my health, stress, bedroom performance and then all those things just amplified me doing things wrong to her so the belittling increased to those things too and it just snowballed until i couldnt seem to do anything right and I basically just shutdown and stepped back and became reserved and worried and anxious about what I was going to do wrong next :S and yet I still love her... .  but thats just the BPD drug and from what I can tell from the way I feel a physical attraction to her and the good times which is getting easier to handle... .  

I would get anything from:

- Not earning enough money for the job I was doing

- "Why did you not tell me about this or that?"

- "Why are you cutting the potatoes that way, or why did you put that pot on that hotplate"

all the way to belittling and arguing about the simplest things:

- "Why are you putting the pillowcases on when you havent finished tucking in the sheet yet?" LIKE OMFG are you serious?

but when I look back the biggest thing that was like belittlement (is that a word) to me was the way she worded everything... .  instead of saying "hey hunni, could you please let me know next time you are going to do that just so I know and we can do it together" ... .  in her words would come out agressively as "I EXPECT you to tell me when you do these things, I WANT to be there when they are done".

EXPECT... .  it was used in almost every argument... .  and so degrading in the way she used it, like i was an imbecil or a child... .  especially when the things that she expects are either boundary crossing unreasonable or hipocritcal to what she would do, or just to start an argument or when some thing wasn't done the way she wanted or was used to... .  

interesting, when you look back at how much they actually put you down... .  and that's not love, espcially if they dont take any responsiblity for that :S sux!

[snappafcw]

Very similar to my situation Oricle. They don't know what love is. I guess thats a worse punishment than they ever gave us. Thanks for your insight it really effected my self worth I feel better that I did my best and its not my fault. I just really wish these people could see inside us and realise how much we tried to give.

[SuzyQ33]

Hi Matt81,

Yes I believe this is a way for the pwBPD to keep you "beneath" them, so that you do not look good in their or any one else's eyes.  I think it has to do with their control issues, and may happen more when they do not feel in control, or feel that you get attention.

My stbexH is forever putting me down and belittling me any chance he gets.  He will say to the children "look, there is mommy on t.v. / in picture" whenever a monkey/baboon/stupid looking animal is featured.  He has done this since they were small, even though I have asked him why he does this and told him that I do not like it... .  the children also tell him it is not nice of him to do this, they do not like it, but to no avail... .   

Also he will readily tell anyone in our immediate company that I am a "cold" person, and do not want to make love to him, this is soo embarrassing  -  in actual fact he is the one withholding any and all forms of affection, even physical contact - and then I have to stand there with the red face and try to explain myself to people who cannot believe I am so 'nasty' to my own husband... .    Talk about projection - I then even get it from the casual acquaintances ... .    Luckily I just do not 'participate' in this game of his anymore, so it does not happen so regularly nowadays.

Also belittling family members (I am very close to my family) is a huge way of trying to control and influence me and our children... .  this is just heartbreaking as the kids want to believe him, and then try to fit this new perception into what they know about the grandmother/aunt etc... .  

My stbexH is forever telling me that I do not 'answer' properly when he asks me something - either speaking too soft or nowadays he just says I did not answer him at all ... .     I know this sounds stupid,  but forever repeating yourself when someone is ignoring or physically blocking out what you are saying is very frustrating... .  the kids then tell him that I did answer and what I said, and he can hear them well enough!  If ever I answer in a louder voice than my normal tone, I get accused of 'screaming' at him... .  

You just cannot win... .  

[Clearmind]

Lots of controlling behavior by your SO's I see written in this thread - lots of accusations, blame.

Why did you stay?

[snappafcw]

Well to be honest it wasn't so bad at first and just like everyone else i put up with more than what someone would say in a normal relationship because she would have me caught under her sob stories and pressures on life so i would take all of the punches which she would show no appreciation for and it dragged me under. The thanks i got was her breaking up with me after ignoring me for a week via txt. Last time i saw her we were planning on moving in together then all of a sudden silence and distance. In the process she was saying horrible things which were not even true or the very least an issue before and then finally she broke up with me after saying she was trying to protect me (complete contradiction)

The break up was done by txt because that was the only way she would let me communicate with her in the end. it sucked and it was so disrespectful and the worst thing was she tried to make it out that i called it off on her and she was saying all this stuff like if i proposed to her she would of said yes ect... .  i guess she was manipulating me because she had her replacement lined up and didnt want to be the bad guy... .  

Ive never felt so much pain over a person in my whole life. And even the girl before her was almost as bad.