Back into No Contact - For Good

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The fact of the matter is this though, I have said numerous times, I want her to choose me entire.

I will be dead honestly surprised If I get through Christmas without hearing from her again.

She may pretend a lot better than I do, but she is NO BETTER at letting go than I am.

OKrunch, you have been here before.

do you think that all of this is mostly "preparing for the next round, with the same game plan"?

[once removed]

The fact of the matter is this though, I have said numerous times, I want her to choose me entire.

I will be dead honestly surprised If I get through Christmas without hearing from her again.

She may pretend a lot better than I do, but she is NO BETTER at letting go than I am.

OKrunch, you have been here before.

do you think that all of this is mostly "preparing for the next round, with the same game plan"?

[OKrunch]

OKrunch, you have been here before.

do you think that all of this is mostly "preparing for the next round, with the same game plan"?

the only preparing for "next round" I am doing is bolstering my willpower to avoid and ignore future interactions.

[once removed]

bolstering my willpower to avoid and ignore future interactions.

if you make the conscious and active choice to detach, let go of the relationship, and move on from it, future interactions are beside the point. they wont change anything either way.

is that what you want to do?

[OKrunch]

if you make the conscious and active choice to detach, let go of the relationship, and move on from it, future interactions are beside the point. they wont change anything either way.

is that what you want to do?

"future interactions are beside the point. they wont change anything either way."
I dont understand what youre trying to say here.

My choices are stay the way things are and have been, and continue to be hurt and ignored, OR to hear what she said, that its done, and walk away.

I've been pouring from my empty glass, into hers which has a massive hole in it and can never be filled.
I'm done loving someone who only shows me vitriol and indifference in return.

[OKrunch]

if you make the conscious and active choice to detach, let go of the relationship, and move on from it, future interactions are beside the point. they wont change anything either way.

is that what you want to do?

Do I wish we could move on and have a new, fresh, and healthy relationship?
Heck yea I do.
However,
A.) she doesn't and has made that clear.
B.) That could only happen if we are both equally commited to it, and we aren't.

My therapist said she will be surprised if I get past Halloween without her reaching out,
but she has no reason to other than to keep us both attached, and hurting eachother.
Unless she comes to me with some massive emotional breakthrough, it will only be more breadcrumbs if she does.

Im all set with crumbs, I want a loaf

[once removed]

"future interactions are beside the point. they wont change anything either way."
I dont understand what youre trying to say here.

because if youre done, youre done. theres no going back. if she tries to reach you on christmas, halloween, or hanukkah, youll still be done, whatever she has to say, and whether or not you want to hear it.

she cant keep you attached. youre not at the mercy of her proximity. you are, have been, treating this all as if you are, as if you have no say in determining that the relationship is dead, and isnt coming back.

sure, its easier to do when the person youre trying to detach from is out of sight and less out of mind. but Detaching is the active commitment to let go.

its not bolstering the willpower to ignore her. its not planning around when she will or wont reach out (that is essentially what you are doing). its not "back into no contact - for good - and this time i really mean it!".

when you were trying to reconcile the relationship i encouraged you to think about what was broken about the relationship, and how if, possible, it was going to be fixed.

part of Detaching is determining that it cant be, or that its not going to be, or that at least, youd just as soon rather not.

Do I wish we could move on and have a new, fresh, and healthy relationship?
Heck yea I do.
However,
A.) she doesn't and has made that clear.
B.) That could only happen if we are both equally commited to it, and we aren't.

these are reasons that the relationship isnt currently available to you. they arent reasons why the relationship, for you, is over.

if you want to Detach, find what is fundamentally broken, and begin to take steps to actively let it go.

[Rev]

these are reasons that the relationship isnt currently available to you. they arent reasons why the relationship, for you, is over.

if you want to Detach, find what is fundamentally broken, and begin to take steps to actively let it go.

That... is... brilliant.

[OKrunch]

The relationship is OVER for several reasons, fighting, 2x A type personalities, past trauma, our past fights, etc.

I have tried many times to work on these things, both on my own and with her.
I have made progress on my own, but couples therapy disintigrated for us. rapidly.

Insofar as why I am DONE? totally different answer.
I think I have made quite clear the issues of ghosting, disrespect, lies etc.
I have not been treated well.

She doesn't want to fix anything. She has told me this verbatim.

Lastly, I no longer trust her.
And I don't want to have to play head games and psych stratagies just to have a somewhat operable relationship.

I said before my love for Dr Jekyll was enough to defeat Mr Hyde. I was wrong.
And its not just her. I am a hopless romantic, the type of love I have and want to recieve is scary and engulfing to her.
She literally told me "I cant give you what you want"
And she doesnt want what I have to give.

Despite how well we CAN connect, it has to be mutually worked at and on.
just because we do have good emotional, physical and mental connections, doesnt mean we arent also like Bleach and Ammonia.
When we mix for too long, Sh*t gets toxic.

I am in the process of quitting smoking again right now.
Very comparable. I enjoy smoking, i dont necessarily want to quit, but It is effecting my health, and needs to go.
I have been paying thousands of dollars a year to be slowly killed.

The last 6 months with her feels much the same, so im done.

Im not waiting for the next interaction, I dont hope for it, and I am not planning anything for it beyond doing what I need to in order to ensure I wont cave if she pops up and bats her eyelashes.
No different than asking for a smoke while I am drinking, I know it will just lead me back down the path of everyday addiction.

Ill never be able to to reconcile what she did to my son.
It will always cause a grudge.
Im done.

[OKrunch]

This past Saturday was a full year since we split.
A year of yo-yo-ing. A year of confusion, hot and cold, and being used for validation and support but only when needed.

I woke up with a lot of emotion today. A fair bit of indignation, and anger.
The betrayal still hurts, but I am glad I am past the point of putting myself on the chopping block just for the chance to earn her crumbs.
She has lied, and used.
Not the type of person I want to spend my life with, despite being the person I wanted to spend my life with.

[OKrunch]

Just Journaling - I sent this to my therapist earlier.

"This past Saturday was 1 full year of our breakup. So I took some time this weekend to reflect on what has occured over the past year. YEAR. 365 days. I have been roped back in, only to be discarded again, AND blamed for it, no less than 3 times. I have remained consistant in the face of her back and forth waffling I have been the one blamed for every argument, "Overcommunication" and most of the fault of the breakup. Its Ego. I want to hear from her to know I still have my own power. I want her to want me so she knows how ive felt while being held at arms length, but now allowed to detach. I want to hear her say she PLEASE READed up. I want to hear her say I am the best shes had. NONE OF THESE THINGS MATTER and NONE OF THESE WILL HAPPEN. How Do I stay mad? How do I stay in a place where I know I am worth more than what she can provide? How do i resist the reach out when she realiszes Ive blocked her everywhere and she has to prove to herself I am still available to her? How do I say no to the best sex ive ever had, or the easiest person to laugh with I have ever met?"

I am in the right mindset now, I just need to take the steps needed to STAY HERE, and not put the rose colored glasses back on after a few weeks of silence.
My mind defaults to the happy memories, hers to the bad ones.

[capecodling]

Just Journaling - I sent this to my therapist earlier.

"This past Saturday was 1 full year of our breakup. So I took some time this weekend to reflect on what has occured over the past year. YEAR. 365 days. I have been roped back in, only to be discarded again, AND blamed for it, no less than 3 times. I have remained consistant in the face of her back and forth waffling I have been the one blamed for every argument, "Overcommunication" and most of the fault of the breakup. Its Ego. I want to hear from her to know I still have my own power. I want her to want me so she knows how ive felt while being held at arms length, but now allowed to detach. I want to hear her say she PLEASE READed up. I want to hear her say I am the best shes had. NONE OF THESE THINGS MATTER and NONE OF THESE WILL HAPPEN. How Do I stay mad? How do I stay in a place where I know I am worth more than what she can provide? How do i resist the reach out when she realiszes Ive blocked her everywhere and she has to prove to herself I am still available to her? How do I say no to the best sex ive ever had, or the easiest person to laugh with I have ever met?"

I am in the right mindset now, I just need to take the steps needed to STAY HERE, and not put the rose colored glasses back on after a few weeks of silence.
My mind defaults to the happy memories, hers to the bad ones.

Well it depends how serious you are about disconnecting from her.  If you truly can’t resist her reach outs then you would want to change your phone number, email addresses, and also move away so she can’t find you.  If I was in your position, I would do those things and also get into every therapy and treatment I could find (PTSD, Psychadelics, alternative, spiritual, etc) Otherwise this process will just keep repeating since you have said you can’t resist her.  All of what you describe about her was the same for me too, it can be very hard to disconnect, but never is it impossible.

[OKrunch]

Well it depends how serious you are about disconnecting from her.  If you truly can’t resist her reach outs then you would want to change your phone number, email addresses, and also move away so she can’t find you.  If I was in your position, I would do those things and also get into every therapy and treatment I could find (PTSD, Psychadelics, alternative, spiritual, etc) Otherwise this process will just keep repeating since you have said you can’t resist her.  All of what you describe about her was the same for me too, it can be very hard to disconnect, but never is it impossible.

Still in therapy, Looking at changing jobs so I cant be found at my current one anymore.
Working with my therapist regarding psycadelics as a cotrisol/dopamine reset tool.
All social media and phone numbers currently blocked.

Cape, I do want this to work, or rather, I did.
Despite all of her redeeming qualities, I cannot in good faith, ever trust her again.
BECAUSE i know how weak I am to her, because I love her, I need to completley and entirely leave this in my past.
1000%.

I want what I know We can never have again, and for that reason alone, like an alchoholic who can never sip a drink again, I must completely and surgically cut this out of my life.

I have mourned for the lost years, for the failed opportunities, for the happy memories, and most of all, for what the kids lost.
My son loved her and her daughter, her daughter loved me and my son.
Theirs is the saddest loss.

I will continue to think on all this, today my thoughts are clouded with ashen clouds.
My frustration and anger about the whole situation are high today.
I am trying not to make any stupid knee jerk decsisons
(For example I got a cardboard box from my work and was going to go home and collect every item that had any sort of history or sentimental value, pack it away and ship it to her house)
Which I am not planning on doing anymore.
Ill probably just throw it all in the dumpster instead.

[OKrunch]

Two full weeks no contact today.

Still getting random intrusive thoughts and stomach pangs.
I have not checked socials, unblocked or reached out.

Conversation with an old female friend going well.

I still often think about when she will find some way to touch base, but its more trying to be arware and prepared for it.
I hope it doesnt happen.

[capecodling]

To respond to both of your last 2 messages, for the sentimental things, I would just throw it all in the dumpster.  Not to be insensitive towards your past, but to get those things out of your life.  That’s what I did, just threw it all away because I knew going through the things or returning them to her would just result in more pain and delay healing.

Putting time (more NC) between you and your ex will help, though sometimes not as fast as you might like.  I found doing things like “Practicing the Power of Now” every day helped me when the pain got to be too much.  i still practice it every day.  There is also a chapter on relationships that is especially good for people in our situation (post breakup with BPD and possible codependency issues.)

[kells76]

I will continue to think on all this, today my thoughts are clouded with ashen clouds.
My frustration and anger about the whole situation are high today.
I am trying not to make any stupid knee jerk decsisons
(For example I got a cardboard box from my work and was going to go home and collect every item that had any sort of history or sentimental value, pack it away and ship it to her house)
Which I am not planning on doing anymore.
Ill probably just throw it all in the dumpster instead.

It's wise to realize that when you're in a heightened emotional space, you may not be tending towards centered/grounded long term decisions.

Shipping her items to her is staying in contact with her. Only you can decide if you want to engage in that kind of contact.

A long term friend of ours was in a relationship with a dBPD woman. When they broke up, he gave us a bunch of "connection" stuff (items she'd made for him, some joint paperwork, the receipt for the engagement ring, etc). We promised we'd hold it for a year and then if we hadn't heard any direction from him, we'd toss it. After <1 year he did ask if we still had it (needed a piece of paperwork), and he ended up burning everything in our fire pit.

I had a couple of "normal" breakups and I threw away/gave away lots of "relationship items" very quickly. I regret some of those, not because I want the connection with the person, but because the things were super cool (stuff from Iraq and Nepal).

All that to say:

It can take more than just a few days or a few weeks to figure out how to process "relationship items". I wonder if you have a friend who would take the box for a period of time.

Of course, the dumpster route makes a lot of sense, too.

[OKrunch]

More "big waves" in the gut today, but I am the lighthouse in the tempest.

Amazing how powerful the brain chemicals are.
Damn you Dopamine. Damn you Cortisol.

My therapists most recent words have become a repeated mantra.

" She doesn't ever go over a month and a half without reaching out for some reason or another. I feel that seeking other's company might be best for you in the long run. You will never get what you need from her and she will never be willing to give it to you. You deserve to have a healthy, reciprocal relationship. "

[SinisterComplex]

More "big waves" in the gut today, but I am the lighthouse in the tempest.

Amazing how powerful the brain chemicals are.
Damn you Dopamine. Damn you Cortisol.

My therapists most recent words have become a repeated mantra.

" She doesn't ever go over a month and a half without reaching out for some reason or another. I feel that seeking other's company might be best for you in the long run. You will never get what you need from her and she will never be willing to give it to you. You deserve to have a healthy, reciprocal relationship. "

Keep repeating this to yourself everyday "You will never get what you need from her and she will never be willing to give it to you. You deserve to have a healthy, reciprocal relationship"

You just gotta figure this out on your own and you will.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[OKrunch]

wellI looked at what I can see on social media today like a dummy.

New profile pic, she looks happy, healthy, and like she cropped someone very close out of her photo.
Probably another new boyfriend on the horizion.

I shouldnt have looked and I am mad that i did because now i yet again feel like worthless replaceable secondhand crap.

Hooray for mondays

[OKrunch]

Yep.

SHe just messaged me to tell me shes seeing someone.
I knew I woke up with a feeling in my guts today.

I didnt reply and just kept everything dead and blocked.
i am hurting but she wont see it.

So very very done

[tina7868]

I’m sorry for what you are going through OKrunch. Hang in there. Try not to be hard on yourself. The feelings will subside, and this community is here to support you.

[Pook075]

Yup, keep your head up Crunch- it takes time to heal. 

Your "gut feelings" are the anticipation of more trauma, and if you're truly done then she can't traumatize you anymore.  It's time to heal and move on to a healthy lifestyle without all that chaos and heartache.

I feel for you brother, but this is not the end of the road.  It's just a new chapter in your life's journey.

[OKrunch]

The fact that she goes out of her way to message me about it and specifically inform me. Like she's doing me some sort of favor or service it's just a Twist of the knife that is completely unnecessary. Why do that?

Seems like a deliberate power play to me.

[once removed]

a Twist of the knife that is completely unnecessary. Why do that?

Seems like a deliberate power play to me.

there is no power struggle anymore, OKrunch. neither of you are competing for power here.

she probably told you as a heads up to protect your feelings (you told her you wanted to know), thinking itd be better coming from her than otherwise, and/or as a way of saying goodbye. well intentioned, but theres really no good way for you to find out, and this wasnt it either.

im sorry. its a really awful thing to wake up to. ive been there. its like somebody throwing a bomb on your life.

if there is a silver lining, its that sometimes when an option is removed from our lives, it opens new ones that couldnt have opened before. try to lean into that when things are hardest - it will get better.

we will continue to be here to support you through all of this.

[OKrunch]

there is no power struggle anymore, OKrunch. neither of you are competing for power here.
I wish i could believe that, but honestly, I cannot.

she probably told you as a heads up to protect your feelings (you told her you wanted to know), thinking itd be better coming from her than otherwise, and/or as a way of saying goodbye. well intentioned, but theres really no good way for you to find out, and this wasnt it either.
Again, I wish I could believe this but I don't. My therapist doesn't either, and she knows her pretty well.
Therapists response to the same question - "You do know her well. But, you also know how these things go with her and it likely won't last. She is not capable of maintaining relationships and unless this guy is the epitome of patience, it will not last, much like the others. Remember, you deserve someone who wakes up and chooses you every single day. And who will be willing to work on any struggles that come up instead of tossing in the towel. You deserve a healthy, reciprocal relationship. It does seem like she did it purposely to rub it in your face, which is another reason to peace out and not turn back. This is straight up cruel. And you deserve way better.[/u] "

im sorry. its a really awful thing to wake up to. ive been there. its like somebody throwing a bomb on your life.
I just feel like nothing ever mattered to her, there is no sentiment, regret, remorse or really any tangible emotion connected to me. I am honestly glad I am being peeled away from being devoted to someone that took this view of the things we were building

if there is a silver lining, its that sometimes when an option is removed from our lives, it opens new ones that couldnt have opened before. try to lean into that when things are hardest - it will get better.

we will continue to be here to support you through all of this.
I agree here and appreciate it very much

[tina7868]

Why do that?

As evidenced, there could be many interpretations, without a definite answer.

I remember how my ex told me he had a girlfriend. I was in a similar situation where we would be close at times and distant at others. One day, we were on a phone call, and I said something flirty. He chose this moment, in the middle of the conversation, to say `I have a girlfriend` along with `you should be ashamed of yourself` and `aren't you embarassed?`. I know I wouldn't have spoken in the same way if he had told me sooner. It certainly felt like the way he went about telling me was intentionally hurtful. Looking back, I can also see that maybe he didn't know how to bring it up. 

I finally have come to a place where I recognize that people's actions, including the timing and manner in which they communicate such news, are influenced by their own emotions, insecurities, and intentions and it's important not to internalize their choices. You're allowed to feel hurt, and validate your own feelings, regardless of what her intention may have been.

[Pook075]

I just feel like nothing ever mattered to her, there is no sentiment, regret, remorse or really any tangible emotion connected to me. I am honestly glad I am being peeled away from being devoted to someone that took this view of the things we were building

My brother, you're still giving her far too much power- who cares what she thinks or does?

There's three different goals you're trying to accomplish at the same time here, and they all get in the way of one another:

1. You're trying to put her in the past and move on.
2. You're still waiting for a genuine apology or at least an explanation.
3. You're waiting for her to reach back out on yet another rebound

Let's start with #2...you're never ever ever going to get that.  She's treated you poorly because she's mentally ill.  That's the entire story here, that her thoughts are dysregulated and you're expecting normal conversation from someone that's disordered. You have to let this go- she will not genuinely apologize and revert back to the former version of herself.

Now let's talk about #3.  For over a year now, you've moved on, welcomed her back, had your heart broken, and then tried to move on all over again.  This is the 3rd or 4th time in a year?  It's a clear pattern and the bad far outweighs the good each and every time.  While maybe you can't stop her from reaching out, you can control what you say to her- you tell her that you've had enough and are not interested in her anymore.

There will always be a voice in the back of your head saying how awesome she was, how you can still somehow get that stuff back.  My brother, that voice is a liar!  You have to stop listening to it and truly move on here.

For point #1, you haven't been able to move on because you've been so caught up on points #2 and 3.  I say this with all the love I can possibly muster here, she's terrible for you and it is time to pick the pieces back up and move on.

[OKrunch]

My brother, you're still giving her far too much power- who cares what she thinks or does?

There's three different goals you're trying to accomplish at the same time here, and they all get in the way of one another:

1. You're trying to put her in the past and move on. 1000%
2. You're still waiting for a genuine apology or at least an explanation.Although me (and my ego) would like one, I accepted a long time ago that it A. Isn't going to happen and B. She lacks the capability of even considering it.
3. You're waiting for her to reach back out on yet another rebound Again, if she were to do so, it would be an ego boost for me, but thats not what I need to heal and move on. It does the EXACT opposite, which is why I believe she does this periodically between men. It keeps me interested and available. I will not allow this to happen again.

Let's start with #2...you're never ever ever going to get that.  She's treated you poorly because she's mentally ill.  That's the entire story here, that her thoughts are dysregulated and you're expecting normal conversation from someone that's disordered. You have to let this go- she will not genuinely apologize and revert back to the former version of herself.

Now let's talk about #3.  For over a year now, you've moved on, welcomed her back, had your heart broken, and then tried to move on all over again.  This is the 3rd or 4th time in a year?  It's a clear pattern and the bad far outweighs the good each and every time.  While maybe you can't stop her from reaching out, you can control what you say to her- you tell her that you've had enough and are not interested in her anymore.

There will always be a voice in the back of your head saying how awesome she was, how you can still somehow get that stuff back.  My brother, that voice is a liar!  You have to stop listening to it and truly move on here.

For point #1, you haven't been able to move on because you've been so caught up on points #2 and 3.  I say this with all the love I can possibly muster here, she's terrible for you and it is time to pick the pieces back up and move on.

[OKrunch]

BPDFamily,

Thank you all for your patience and support.

Evidently detachment is something I thought I had a handle on (I'm getting there!), and specifically hard for me.
My therapist really helped me out and had me re-do a task she had me do early in our sessions, and that was make a Pro/Con list of sorts.

It was very helpful, and I am working on keeping that in my head as it has been a massive turbo boost to my moving forward.

I feel like I crossed a barrier yesterday.
THe last 48 hours or so, I have felt more resolute, my first thoughts of her when I have them are of dismissal, even disgust. I do still eventually dwell on things like I have in the past, but I've found it easy to jostle myself out of that thought pattern.

I also saw a post here recently, apologies as I cannot recall which thread, but it said something to the effect of

"I originally wasn't super attracted to my ex, but eventually she was like Selma Hayek to my eyes"

I also experienced this. There was a dramatic shift in my attraction level to her pre and post breakup (BOTH times).
This is a pretty strong indicator of brain chemistry paths than it is of love of any sort.

For the first time in EVER, being in NC feels like a privilege, instead of an atonement.
It feels like liberation instead of begging for crumbs with silence.
Because this is the first time I've ever been doing it, in earnest, for myself.
Before I was doing it for her and lying to myself that it was for me.

Will i still have intrusive thoughts, miss her, the dogs, the kids together, etc?
Hell yea I know I will.
However for the first time I feel like a sober person willingly, confidently and without temptation refusing a drink, as opposed to the months spent fighting the urge and craving it.

I have attachment issues, and I am addicted to validation from others.
Its time I validate my damn self.

You are all wonderful gems. I appreciate each and every one of you.

With Thanks,
OKrunch.

[Pook075]

BPDFamily,

Thank you all for your patience and support.

Evidently detachment is something I thought I had a handle on (I'm getting there!), and specifically hard for me.
My therapist really helped me out and had me re-do a task she had me do early in our sessions, and that was make a Pro/Con list of sorts.

It was very helpful, and I am working on keeping that in my head as it has been a massive turbo boost to my moving forward.

I feel like I crossed a barrier yesterday.
THe last 48 hours or so, I have felt more resolute, my first thoughts of her when I have them are of dismissal, even disgust. I do still eventually dwell on things like I have in the past, but I've found it easy to jostle myself out of that thought pattern.

I also saw a post here recently, apologies as I cannot recall which thread, but it said something to the effect of

"I originally wasn't super attracted to my ex, but eventually she was like Selma Hayek to my eyes"

I also experienced this. There was a dramatic shift in my attraction level to her pre and post breakup (BOTH times).
This is a pretty strong indicator of brain chemistry paths than it is of love of any sort.

For the first time in EVER, being in NC feels like a privilege, instead of an atonement.
It feels like liberation instead of begging for crumbs with silence.
Because this is the first time I've ever been doing it, in earnest, for myself.
Before I was doing it for her and lying to myself that it was for me.

Will i still have intrusive thoughts, miss her, the dogs, the kids together, etc?
Hell yea I know I will.
However for the first time I feel like a sober person willingly, confidently and without temptation refusing a drink, as opposed to the months spent fighting the urge and craving it.

I have attachment issues, and I am addicted to validation from others.
Its time I validate my damn self.

You are all wonderful gems. I appreciate each and every one of you.

With Thanks,
OKrunch.

I'm so glad you've had a breakthrough and it sounds like you're starting to find a better path.  Hate and disgust is a part of the grieving process, at the point where you realize, "Hey, wait a second...she wasn't good to me."  That's perfectly normal and you should take the time to really process that stuff.  It's painful to relive those memories, for sure, but it also sets your mindset moving forward that it's just not acceptable anymore.  Think of it like the final boundary in your path to healing.

I remember hitting that point around the five month mark after separation and for two or three days, I felt like I could breathe fire.  I was so mad that I just sat back and took abuse that I clearly didn't deserve, and it's like a thousand things suddenly clicked that I previously couldn't hear.  My anger quickly faded though and led me to the next step, which was acceptance and the realization that I could stand on my own two feet, all by myself, and actually be content in life.

I am proud of you brother and I'm still rooting for you hard.  Please don't take this the wrong way, but the biggest thing that stands in your way of recovering from this relationship at this point is yourself.  So keep your head up, get out there and do Okrunch-like things, and you will eventually be past this.

[jaded7]

BPDFamily,

Thank you all for your patience and support.

Evidently detachment is something I thought I had a handle on (I'm getting there!), and specifically hard for me.
My therapist really helped me out and had me re-do a task she had me do early in our sessions, and that was make a Pro/Con list of sorts.

It was very helpful, and I am working on keeping that in my head as it has been a massive turbo boost to my moving forward.

I feel like I crossed a barrier yesterday.
THe last 48 hours or so, I have felt more resolute, my first thoughts of her when I have them are of dismissal, even disgust. I do still eventually dwell on things like I have in the past, but I've found it easy to jostle myself out of that thought pattern.

I also saw a post here recently, apologies as I cannot recall which thread, but it said something to the effect of

"I originally wasn't super attracted to my ex, but eventually she was like Selma Hayek to my eyes"

I also experienced this. There was a dramatic shift in my attraction level to her pre and post breakup (BOTH times).
This is a pretty strong indicator of brain chemistry paths than it is of love of any sort.

For the first time in EVER, being in NC feels like a privilege, instead of an atonement.
It feels like liberation instead of begging for crumbs with silence.
Because this is the first time I've ever been doing it, in earnest, for myself.
Before I was doing it for her and lying to myself that it was for me.

Will i still have intrusive thoughts, miss her, the dogs, the kids together, etc?
Hell yea I know I will.
However for the first time I feel like a sober person willingly, confidently and without temptation refusing a drink, as opposed to the months spent fighting the urge and craving it.

I have attachment issues, and I am addicted to validation from others.
Its time I validate my damn self.

You are all wonderful gems. I appreciate each and every one of you.

With Thanks,
OKrunch.

Wow. You even sound like a newly sober person with real clarity! And there's a lack of the kinda high-energy upset/desperate/drowning man energy in your writing.

Congratulations.