Back into No Contact - For Good

[Rev]

BPDFamily,

Thank you all for your patience and support.

Evidently detachment is something I thought I had a handle on (I'm getting there!), and specifically hard for me.
My therapist really helped me out and had me re-do a task she had me do early in our sessions, and that was make a Pro/Con list of sorts.

It was very helpful, and I am working on keeping that in my head as it has been a massive turbo boost to my moving forward.

I feel like I crossed a barrier yesterday.
THe last 48 hours or so, I have felt more resolute, my first thoughts of her when I have them are of dismissal, even disgust. I do still eventually dwell on things like I have in the past, but I've found it easy to jostle myself out of that thought pattern.

I also saw a post here recently, apologies as I cannot recall which thread, but it said something to the effect of

"I originally wasn't super attracted to my ex, but eventually she was like Selma Hayek to my eyes"

I also experienced this. There was a dramatic shift in my attraction level to her pre and post breakup (BOTH times).
This is a pretty strong indicator of brain chemistry paths than it is of love of any sort.

For the first time in EVER, being in NC feels like a privilege, instead of an atonement.
It feels like liberation instead of begging for crumbs with silence.
Because this is the first time I've ever been doing it, in earnest, for myself.
Before I was doing it for her and lying to myself that it was for me.

Will i still have intrusive thoughts, miss her, the dogs, the kids together, etc?
Hell yea I know I will.
However for the first time I feel like a sober person willingly, confidently and without temptation refusing a drink, as opposed to the months spent fighting the urge and craving it.

I have attachment issues, and I am addicted to validation from others.
Its time I validate my damn self.

You are all wonderful gems. I appreciate each and every one of you.

With Thanks,
OKrunch.

Keep going ... you've worked hard to get here.

We appreciate you too.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

BPDFamily,

Thank you all for your patience and support.

Evidently detachment is something I thought I had a handle on (I'm getting there!), and specifically hard for me.
My therapist really helped me out and had me re-do a task she had me do early in our sessions, and that was make a Pro/Con list of sorts.

It was very helpful, and I am working on keeping that in my head as it has been a massive turbo boost to my moving forward.

I feel like I crossed a barrier yesterday.
THe last 48 hours or so, I have felt more resolute, my first thoughts of her when I have them are of dismissal, even disgust. I do still eventually dwell on things like I have in the past, but I've found it easy to jostle myself out of that thought pattern.

I also saw a post here recently, apologies as I cannot recall which thread, but it said something to the effect of

"I originally wasn't super attracted to my ex, but eventually she was like Selma Hayek to my eyes"

I also experienced this. There was a dramatic shift in my attraction level to her pre and post breakup (BOTH times).
This is a pretty strong indicator of brain chemistry paths than it is of love of any sort.

For the first time in EVER, being in NC feels like a privilege, instead of an atonement.
It feels like liberation instead of begging for crumbs with silence.
Because this is the first time I've ever been doing it, in earnest, for myself.
Before I was doing it for her and lying to myself that it was for me.

Will i still have intrusive thoughts, miss her, the dogs, the kids together, etc?
Hell yea I know I will.
However for the first time I feel like a sober person willingly, confidently and without temptation refusing a drink, as opposed to the months spent fighting the urge and craving it.

I have attachment issues, and I am addicted to validation from others.
Its time I validate my damn self.

You are all wonderful gems. I appreciate each and every one of you.

With Thanks,
OKrunch.

Well you've taken a while, but it appears you have at least heeded some of my words. ;-) I am happy to hear you will be validating yourself from now on. However, keep this in mind...this needs to be a permanent practice regardless of whom is in your life. No more having YOU dictated by external forces. Work on internally validated yourself. You can do it. Keep your head up amigo.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[OKrunch]

Well you've taken a while, but it appears you have at least heeded some of my words. ;-)

Wow.

[SinisterComplex]

Wow.

That doesn't deserve a wow or the wow...this does

"For the first time in EVER, being in NC feels like a privilege, instead of an atonement.
It feels like liberation instead of begging for crumbs with silence.
Because this is the first time I've ever been doing it, in earnest, for myself.
Before I was doing it for her and lying to myself that it was for me."

To see how long you have been here and to see you get to the point you are at now with help from the whole community is where you need to place the WOW! Pat yourself on the back and hold your head up high. You do not need my validation or anyone else's for that matter. Just your own! Good job! 

As I urged one of other members to do. Update us regardless of good or bad. Keep engaging and keep healing.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[OKrunch]

Man, social medial platforms really perpetuate this stuff.
I have had all forms of social media blocked, and she has me blocked on her end.
I've blocked cross-platform, deleted and reinstalled, done every imaginable step to make sure all channels are shut down.

And yet, she profile picture STILL continues to show up in my suggested section on messenger.
This wouldn't be too much of a problem but messenger is my primary method of talking to a lot of friends and family.
Despite this annoying reoccurring issue, I am doing pretty well.

In the last 5 days, the profile pic has changed 3 times, from the first one i mentioned, to one of them together, to another of them all lovey dovey. I honestly thought it would really really piss me off.
It had admittadley caused some intrusive thoughts but I expected that.
I'm a bit shocked that my reaction is.....amused. Pity even.
I always said in the past that "her meeting someone and having a real happy relationship" was my biggest fear.
The profile pic thing only shows me that she is in the roil of yet another honeymoon phase (not even the only one in the past year)
This tells me nothing will ever change, and that I need to keep everything blocked, lest I become a triangulation target in 4-6 months when things get boring for her, as they inevitably will.
It honestly just makes me feel bad for this dude.

i talked with my therapist about how i had been feeling frustrated that I wasn't "Over it and indifferent yet", and she told me its an addiction, and will not just go away in the blink of an eye.

I am not in a state of anger, or depression like I was.
The most persistent and annoying symptom currently is what I have come to call
"Cognitive Dissonance Confetti"
Random, brief intrusive thoughts that are almost always tidbits of happy memories.
Moments on vacation, times with the kids, getting the dogs, holidays, etc.
They're oddly specific little slices of time, that I didn't give much thought at during the moment.
They have seemingly turned into little reminders of the life I thought we would build, but in reality never ever would be able to sustain.
They feel like nuggets of betrayal. All the times I thought we were most happy, and that turned out to be smoke and mirrors, so if they catch me in an already bad mood, they can certainly do a solid amount to ruin my day.

[OKrunch]

The profile pic thing is in my head more than it should be. Its 10000% honeymoon phase stuff, but part of me (and my damn trauma bonded ego mind) keeps saying "is she trying to make you jealous, or is she just happy for now" The profile pic changes didnt start until after our convo on Oct 2nd where she told me she "met someone that makes me so happy" Part of me feels like she keeps changing them to more intimate ones because I havent responded to any of these by reaching out or anything, which WILL NOT be happening.

I still feel good, and happy even.
This stuff has just turned into to so much background static in my mind.
I can't wait till it finally goes all the way away.

[once removed]

I'm a bit shocked that my reaction is.....amused. Pity even.
I always said in the past that "her meeting someone and having a real happy relationship" was my biggest fear.
The profile pic thing only shows me that she is in the roil of yet another honeymoon phase (not even the only one in the past year)
This tells me nothing will ever change, and that I need to keep everything blocked, lest I become a triangulation target in 4-6 months when things get boring for her, as they inevitably will.
It honestly just makes me feel bad for this dude.

is her profile picture telling you all that, or does the idea that their relationship will fall apart, and that she will come back in 4-6 months, and that you will be in a position to reject her, soothe the feelings and fears that come up from the pictures?

i point this out gently. i did the very same thing. youre hurting, and probably in shock, like i was. its an understandable coping mechanism to reach for.

in my case, i couldnt stop looking at her profile picture (i did it by choice) and the picture could be completely innocuous, and id still go into a ruminating tailspin for hours on end. i know how much it sucks, especially when youre going out of your way to avoid seeing it, and its still there.

"Over it and indifferent yet", and she told me its an addiction, and will not just go away in the blink of an eye.

if she had died, would the goal be to "be over it and indifferent"?

you dont (cant) let someone go by trying to make yourself not feel anything toward them. all that does is block what youre really feeling, and feeling those things is, ironically, how you move through them, and resolve them.

it is self defeating. it keeps you stuck, and, ironically, attached.

Random, brief intrusive thoughts that are almost always tidbits of happy memories.
Moments on vacation, times with the kids, getting the dogs, holidays, etc.

you are grieving, OKrunch. you loved her a lot, and you miss her. and, in a vulnerable place like this, it really hurts to have those feelings, and youd rather just have them gone.

to "get over" a relationship, you mourn it. you grieve it. you feel the loss. and then you let it go.

you havent allowed yourself to do that, presumably because its too painful, and attachment, while painful, is a psychologically less frightening alternative. i wouldnt have expected you to, at this point, and like i said, youre probably in shock. it took me probably around six months to accept that my relationship was over, and not coming back. i wondered why i didnt feel indifferent, too, and god knows i tried, but then i just felt worse about myself.

it was ironic, because throughout a lot of the relationship, a part of me wanted to leave. i tried to break up with her many times. most of them were just an effort to get my way, or to change things, but, several of them were in earnest. and then, after 3 years, she dumped me out of the blue (it wasnt at all out of the blue, but it felt like it at the time), and jumped into a new relationship in about a week. suddenly, no part of me wanted to leave. it wasnt a trauma bond, or an addiction. it was an emotional ass kicking. i felt powerless, rejected, and abandoned. i was all of those things. i couldnt bear it.

when you arent prepared to let someone go, and they take away your choice, it is soul crushing. it rocks your world.

(and my damn trauma bonded ego mind)

you can call it an addiction, you can call it a trauma bond (which has more to do with stockholm syndrome than a bad breakup), but reading into her pictures as a means to reach you, or try to make you jealous, is usually just a way of coping and clinging to that attachment, because the idea that there is nothing behind it, (or that your fears might come true) is psychologically scarier. it is the Bargaining Stage of Grief.

when i lost my dad, my mother and i attended a grief counseling group called Grief Share. one of the first things that they told us, and taught us in the workbook, was to "accept that this person is gone, and not coming back". only by doing so can you really begin to grieve, and work through it.

i didnt realize it at the time, but thats what i was doing around 6 months, when her relationship was still going strong. after waiting for the relationship to end (it lasted 4 years), and waiting for the day that shed come back, trying to hate her, trying to feel nothing, fantasizing about rejecting her, or just crying like a baby, i accepted that we were over, that she was gone, and never coming back. it was the hardest thing ive ever done, in some ways harder than losing my dad and while i felt worse in the short term, because i was finally allowing myself to really feel that loss, it marked the moment that i began to get better.

i say all of this, not because i expect you to accomplish it overnight, but because those very things i did, that you are doing, will only prolong your pain. and while that pain will eventually dull (as pain always does), you risk carrying it as baggage into the next relationship.

she was a love of your life. its a substantial loss, and that loss will hurt, for a while. but she wont be the only love of your life; she was one of what will be many. there will be things about her you will want to find in a future partner, and things you certainly will want to avoid in a future partner. there will be memories you may cherish, and memories you might rather forget.

let yourself mourn and grieve all of it. the future is new memories.

[OKrunch]

It truly is amazing what can happen in short spans of time, when you actually apply yourself.

Since shifting my mindset from "NC can win her back" to "I will not be used again, and NC is for me to heal"
Has been so productivly profound.

Whereas my intrusive thoughts used to ruin entire days and spiral me into depression, the past week or so, they have only prompted feelings of being able to breathe, recognition of the toxic loop trap I was in, and I AM SLEEPING NORMALLY.

DONT DO WHAT I DID AND PROLONG YOUR HEALING.
Full blown NC, no peeking, no seeking, no hoping, no wishing, no pining, no whining.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.

Life is good. you are all gems.
May all the happiness that Autumn can bring fill your homes with love and contentment.

[Rev]

It truly is amazing what can happen in short spans of time, when you actually apply yourself.

Since shifting my mindset from "NC can win her back" to "I will not be used again, and NC is for me to heal"
Has been so productivly profound.

Whereas my intrusive thoughts used to ruin entire days and spiral me into depression, the past week or so, they have only prompted feelings of being able to breathe, recognition of the toxic loop trap I was in, and I AM SLEEPING NORMALLY.

DONT DO WHAT I DID AND PROLONG YOUR HEALING.
Full blown NC, no peeking, no seeking, no hoping, no wishing, no pining, no whining.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.

Life is good. you are all gems.
May all the happiness that Autumn can bring fill your homes with love and contentment.

It would appear that the levee has broken..... 

Keep on keeping on as the saying goes.

[Pook075]

It truly is amazing what can happen in short spans of time, when you actually apply yourself.

Since shifting my mindset from "NC can win her back" to "I will not be used again, and NC is for me to heal"
Has been so productivly profound.

Whereas my intrusive thoughts used to ruin entire days and spiral me into depression, the past week or so, they have only prompted feelings of being able to breathe, recognition of the toxic loop trap I was in, and I AM SLEEPING NORMALLY.

DONT DO WHAT I DID AND PROLONG YOUR HEALING.
Full blown NC, no peeking, no seeking, no hoping, no wishing, no pining, no whining.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.

Life is good. you are all gems.
May all the happiness that Autumn can bring fill your homes with love and contentment.

Good for you brother!  So happy that you're happy.  Please keep in touch so we can monitor your progress- you have a lot of people rooting for you here!

[OKrunch]

I have some amazing things on the horizon.
I have been having simply the most amazing connections with an old crush/friend from high school.
We haven't had a chance to hang out yet, due to shceduling, but things are going well.

I have talked to my therapist about how this is all unfolding, and she has given me nothing but green lights and good advice.
I had expressed some worries I had about how this could all go down, and she basically said to me
"everything about how you are explaining this situation tells me that its 100% a secure and healthy pairing.
It seems odd and alien to you because youve only ever had harmful, toxic love-bombing to start a relationship, so this feels unfamiliar to you. Take your time, enjoy it and see if it turns into something real"

Im pretty floored, and excited.

Furthermore, the distance between EX and I has never been more defined. I have not looked, snooped, and I do not care to.
I am not jealous of NewGuy, if anything i pity what I think his future may hold.
The only regret I have at this point is losing my dogs, which sucks, but in the grand scheme of things is not a major deal.

My therapist has warned me to be aware though, she strongly feels that If the combined events of Ex's Honeymoon phase ending and me possibly being in a new happy healthy relationship, it could mean drama from EX, or attempts at it.
She told me to stay chill, in complete NC if she tries anything like that down the line.

I feel like myself for the first time in years.

[Pook075]

I have some amazing things on the horizon.
I have been having simply the most amazing connections with an old crush/friend from high school.
We haven't had a chance to hang out yet, due to shceduling, but things are going well.

I have talked to my therapist about how this is all unfolding, and she has given me nothing but green lights and good advice.
I had expressed some worries I had about how this could all go down, and she basically said to me
"everything about how you are explaining this situation tells me that its 100% a secure and healthy pairing.
It seems odd and alien to you because youve only ever had harmful, toxic love-bombing to start a relationship, so this feels unfamiliar to you. Take your time, enjoy it and see if it turns into something real"

Im pretty floored, and excited.

Furthermore, the distance between EX and I has never been more defined. I have not looked, snooped, and I do not care to.
I am not jealous of NewGuy, if anything i pity what I think his future may hold.
The only regret I have at this point is losing my dogs, which sucks, but in the grand scheme of things is not a major deal.

My therapist has warned me to be aware though, she strongly feels that If the combined events of Ex's Honeymoon phase ending and me possibly being in a new happy healthy relationship, it could mean drama from EX, or attempts at it.
She told me to stay chill, in complete NC if she tries anything like that down the line.

I feel like myself for the first time in years.

My brother, I am so incredibly happy and excited for you!  When one door closes, another one always opens.  You just had to get your pinky toe out of that door behind you and turn around to face the future.

I am elated for your progress...please do not be a stranger!  We all want to hear about this whirlwind new love and see how you grow in the coming months!

[once removed]

nothing but green lights

i dont know anything other than what you have just posted about her. i assume that shes lovely.

as a part of your support system, i see a lot of flashing red lights, and not in her.

there is no rule, or at least not one that can possibly apply to everyone in every situation, that says "thou shalt not seek a new relationship before x number of days after the last".

there is healing to be found in surrounding ourselves with loved ones. with receiving the validation that comes from seeing ourselves through their eyes. there is healing in "returning to normal" and getting back into routine, and for many, that involves dating. getting back to that normal may be a part of healing, or it may be outright regressing to what is comfortable. that fine line can be flexible, depending on the person, and how they are trying to heal.

it shouldnt be lost on you or anyone that no one looked at it as the healthiest idea when your ex did it, whether it was or not.

9 (9) days ago, you were posting about it, how it rocked your world, and how you were doing your best to just forget about it. it can seem like a very convenient thing when a new relationship looms; much easier to forget about it. reigniting an old flame can be especially fun.

i dont think im delivering a newsflash when i suggest that this seems like a very convenient way to find yet another way to avoid feeling the grief of the end of your relationship.

i dont point this out to suggest you cut off, or do anything in particular with the new girl. i suggest that if you want it to work, you let yourself grieve your previous relationship. when your world is rocked, and your self esteem is in tatters, you are at your best for getting into a tempting relationship that will make the pain go away. but it wont. it will compound it.

if things flickered out with the new girl tomorrow, youd be right back where you were, in despair, but even greater. on some level, you know that, which just raises the stakes of maintaining the connection with her.

court this girl, or flirt with her, or have a fling with her, or bring her home to your parents and marry her, or never speak to her again, but in the process, be frank with yourself in your recovery, and in your grief. you have, and are jumping over the work of healing from a broken relationship. you risk bringing that baggage into it, and compounding your pain. it does not have to be that way. if you grieve and let your ex go, you will find it easier to connect with this new girl, or, if not her, future ones.

[Pook075]

court this girl, or flirt with her, or have a fling with her, or bring her home to your parents and marry her, or never speak to her again, but in the process, be frank with yourself in your recovery, and in your grief. you have, and are jumping over the work of healing from a broken relationship. you risk bringing that baggage into it, and compounding your pain. it does not have to be that way. if you grieve and let your ex go, you will find it easier to connect with this new girl, or, if not her, future ones.

That reminds me of a story in my recovery.  My ex and I broke up in early August, and we had a cruise booked for November.  I remember thinking in those few months in between that if we were able to reconcile, that cruise could be like a new honeymoon.  But it didn't happen.

So as the months flipped by, September ,October, and finally November, I came to the realization that I'd be going on the cruise alone or taking someone else.  Ended up going with one of my best friends from childhood and at first, I was dreading it.  All I could think of was my wife and how much I'd miss her.  But once I headed south and started getting into those 'cruise vibes', I was able to focus on the present instead of the past.

The cruise itself was amazing- I had the best time and made lots of new friends in the process.  But one person, N, really made the cruise special.

N was a married mom who's husband repeatedly cheated on her during COVID.  They were living together for financial reasons only and planned on divorcing as soon as they could afford it.  The love was gone.  And N started flirting with me on day 2, which I appreciated but also made me weary because of my faith.  I was a separated Christian and N was a married Christian, so it was clear in my heart that nothing could happen.  Temptation was off the charts though and I was so attracted to her, just a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart.

On day 5, I was heading to my cabin to change for dinner and saw N sitting alone, looking pretty sad.  So I sat down and we talked, and I shared my story about my life and what was happening in my marriage.  I explained that mental illness was at the center of it all and how my faith was getting me through it.  N cried while I told my story, and then told me about her journey as well and how she grew up in the church.  I told her to pray for her husband and give the marriage a real chance, and we continued chatting for hours about life and each other.

Although we never did anything past a few hugs, N and I bonded on that cruise in a way that I wouldn't have believed was possible.  She made me love myself once again and see how much value I provided, not in the material things in life but what's actually important.  I am a good guy with a great heart and I deserve to be loved the way I love, which is completely and without judgement.

Folks, I love N...beautiful, amazing woman with a heart of gold.  But it clearly wasn't meant to be past friendship.  And the best news is that her marriage did a complete turnaround, they now go to church together and their love is restored.  Great feelgood story and I am so happy for them.

I brought this up though because of that afternoon that N and I talked for hours, I opened my heart in ways that I haven't been able to perhaps my entire adult life.  N did the same and we were completely open, completely vulnerable to each other, and I saw firsthand the way that we're called to love one another.  And don't get me wrong here, I'm not comparing my ex to N, but I was so clearly reminded how we're supposed to love and be loved, how we're supposed to be open and honest and vulnerable in a relationship.

In the days to follow, I started thinking about my marriage and how many times I had felt so completely alone because I couldn't have a real conversation with my wife.  I don't blame her because she was mentally ill, but at the same time I realized that I deserved so much more than I was giving myself credit for.  My wife left without a word, and had be unnecessarily cruel for months as she pursued another relationship.  Why was I carrying all that pain instead of just embracing life to its fullest?

Of course, N and I weren't meant to be, although we still occasionally chat as friends on Facebook.  Those few days with N healed me though in a way that I couldn't allow myself to heal because I couldn't see through the fog.  That cruise completely changed my outlook on the world because it gave me hope.

I hope that helps someone realize how you deserve to be loved, because there's a N out there (who's hopefully single!) just waiting for you.

[OKrunch]

Still lots of what feels like "Incoming External Energies"
I had similar feelings in April / May during the last "longer" stretch of NC.
Feels like pressure building.

This is the longest I have ever gone without finding some pretext to reach out.
The day I no longer have "external energy" reminding me of things id rather not think about, and want thinking about prior to the "energy" showing up, will be a great day.

Things with the lady Ive been talking to are going super well. Slow, comfortable, and healthy.
Couldn't be more opposite from the love-bomb intro's I have become so used to.

I've gone from looking for  hopeful signs that she may reach out, to honestly kind of fearing that she will. The feeling of disgust has persisted.
I don't want her to, but she (to use her own words) seems keen to "Disturb my peace" if she doesnt hear a peep for 3-6 months.

I just want to be totally done, and move on happily with my new interest and/or whatever the universe sends my way.
JUST NOT HER.

[SaltyDawg]

OKrunch,

I agree with Once Removed and will also wave the  or at least a .

9 days, or whatever period you define is way too short to get into another relationship.  It will be fun, it will be exciting, and it will take away the pain (at least initially).  For me, that was the case...

I did the something similar 24 years ago.  I left a uBPD/uNPDexgf for cheating on me not once but twice only to land in the lap (literally and figuratively) with a uBPD/uOCPD wife.  While this relationship is comparatively more healthy than the exgf (who eventually made front page news for her mental health issues on the largest newspaper in the state a year and some months after I was discarded by her and I dumped her), my relationship is still extremely dysfunctional by any standard.

It is getting better, as I am holding up a mirror to her bad behaviors, and she is changing, even though she does not like it when I reflect back a 'monster' (her words) - I will write more about this in other threads.

I previously interacted with you 3/4 of a year ago, and I have followed your posts very closely as your feelings remind me a lot of my own and there were quite a few parallels between the women we are/were seeing.

Getting back to you...  Take it slowly, don't force it, follow your therapist's advice, from what you have spoken of, she is pretty much spot on in most things.  If you were completely honest with your therapist, when she said "green lights" - go ahead and go after your friend from high school.  At worst it will be a very pleasant distraction that further's the distance between you and your ex.

I do urge you to keep your eyes open for any red or yellow flags.  Since you are moving away from a very toxic and dysfunctional relationship, your mind may still be a bit FOGgy (dual meaning), and your attachment style may be 'secure' as your T tells you, I also test as 'secure' but I have a lot of overtones of being anxious too (shades of grey, it is not a black or white thing).  So, if you do see any red or yellow flags, be sure to share them with your T (don't share them with your new interest without talking to your T first).

3/4 of year ago just as your last relationship imploded, I do recall that you were triggered as well in by what you said to her - I could see both sides, as an independent 3rd person, while you were blind to see hers with your own raw emotions. 

I too have a tendency to open my mouth and blurt out my feelings (sometimes really hurtful) before I engage my brain - please take this as constructive criticism, I noticed that you also do this.  If you have an urge to do this, bite your tongue, give yourself some time to reflect on why you feel that way, talk it over with your T or a close friend, or here, before saying or doing something you might regret later on.

I know my wife is working on cleaning up her side of the street, I am doing the same on my side of the street by doing exactly what I described in the paragraph above.  At that time you spoke of that your ex was also seeing a therapist and cleaning up her side of the street.

I have learned from your mistakes, and I am sharing mine so that you might be able to learn from mine.

I am not suggesting that you look back at your ex - just the opposite, don't look back.  However, you have a new woman coming into your life.  A fresh and clean relationship with no significant emotional baggage.  Reflect back on the previous relationship (or relationships) to see what mistakes you made, learn from them, and don't repeat them in the new relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.  Be mindful of your actions, go into your new relationship with your eyes wide open.  Take it slow.  Don't rush.  Don't force it.  Let it take its natural path.  Do segregate any negative feelings that might arise and examine them with your T before sharing them with your new interest.  Definitely do not be impulsive with your negative emotions.

Most importantly, enjoy the ride wherever it may take you.

Take care with self-care, don't forget to take care of yourself, and your son too.

SD

[tina7868]

I've gone from looking for  hopeful signs that she may reach out, to honestly kind of fearing that she will.

Something that helped me with this was a thought experiment suggested by a friend. From a logical point of view, there are two possibilities: she reaches out, or she doesn`t. If she doesn`t reach out, you`ve got it covered; you live your life, work towards your goals, keep healing. If she does reach out, it may be helpful to have a plan in place. It doesn`t have to be detailed, think more like how you`d know what to do if the fire alarm went off. You could post here, contact your T, whatever works for you. It helps to think about it because it avoids reacting in the moment, rather helps to outline a way of responding that`s in alignment with your values.

This sort of plan personally helped me decrease a lot of anxiety and overthinking about the situation.

[OKrunch]

Not much to updated.
"twisties" are fading, almost gone most days.

Passed my longest previous record of NC a few weeks ago, keeping it up good.
No social media peeping, and I couldnt be bother to care to look.

Each day away from the trauma bond and Hot/Cold confusion brings more clarity.
More obvious signs of how toxic the whole situation was from the start, even before the first breakup.

Occasionally sad for the "Death of Dr. Jekyll", but it was not I who plunged the knife home.

Things with new love interest are still going well, and most notably. SLOW.
Which is odd, because I am so used to Love Bombing to start a relationship, so this has been an adjustment.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you for the update, keep up the good work.

Things with new love interest are still going well, and most notably. SLOW.
Which is odd, because I am so used to Love Bombing to start a relationship, so this has been an adjustment.

I've been in 3 serious relationships.

My first relationship was slow (developed over a period of a year when I was 19 yo before we were 'intimate'), she was not BPD and we stayed together for a decade.  The next one was fast and definitely was classic NPD/BPD, the warning signs were there out of the gate she seduced me and I was in her bed the day we met.  The 3rd, and current one, who is now my wife, was also that way too, in her bed a little slower, but within the week we were interested in each other, even though I had met her when I was still seeing #2.

I have limited experience, 2 out of the 3 women were/are BPD combos, so taking your time can seem like it is taking 'forever'.  Chat with your therapist on what is a healthy pace for you.

Take care with self-care.

[OKrunch]

Heres an update on the Other Woman ive been talking to.

More recently, we had planned to hang out last weekend, and she backed out of that plan saying she was sick and had a massive migraine.

Then last night, she sent me a long message talking about how her whole situation is very screwed up right now and that she needs to take a step back and figure her stuff out. I explained to her that I understood the complication of the situation, it was more to me than just a fling and that it was something I was willing to wait for. I think she expected me to get angry and bail on the whole situation, because she seemed very pleasantly surprised by my response. When on telling me how no one she's ever been with or dated has ever been understanding of mental health issues, her medical issues etc.

So as it stands right now we are "waiting to hang out again" But our conversations are still very romantic, talking about how we want to be together and we just need to do things the right way and so on and so forth.

Modern relationships in the mid 30s are pretty tough, I totally understand a situation where the relationship is dead but finances and housing dictates having to wait for the right opportunity to separate.

She has been very sincere and open with me and I genuinely believe that it's just a matter of waiting for the right conditions, but I don't want to get burned again.

[Pook075]

Heres an update on the Other Woman ive been talking to.

More recently, we had planned to hang out last weekend, and she backed out of that plan saying she was sick and had a massive migraine.

Then last night, she sent me a long message talking about how her whole situation is very screwed up right now and that she needs to take a step back and figure her stuff out. I explained to her that I understood the complication of the situation, it was more to me than just a fling and that it was something I was willing to wait for. I think she expected me to get angry and bail on the whole situation, because she seemed very pleasantly surprised by my response. When on telling me how no one she's ever been with or dated has ever been understanding of mental health issues, her medical issues etc.

So as it stands right now we are "waiting to hang out again" But our conversations are still very romantic, talking about how we want to be together and we just need to do things the right way and so on and so forth.

Modern relationships in the mid 30s are pretty tough, I totally understand a situation where the relationship is dead but finances and housing dictates having to wait for the right opportunity to separate.

She has been very sincere and open with me and I genuinely believe that it's just a matter of waiting for the right conditions, but I don't want to get burned again.

Hey buddy.  So this other woman is still living with a current/former partner?  Are they married?

Combined with you mentioning her mental health problems, that's a lot of  at once.  Please be careful and take this slowly since the last thing anyone wants to see is you getting your heart broken again.

[OKrunch]

Legally speaking, Yes.

I am treading VERY carefully. trust me buddy, If I didn't think this girl was worth the wait, I would walk.

Here are a few bullet points.

1. I've spoken to my therapist ad nauseum about this situation, and other then a few cautionary pieces of advice, she has told me that despite the complicated appearance, she thinks its a good situation to at least wait and see what happens. I have sent my therapist several conversation screenshots just to go over everything in full detail with her.
I asked her to see if she even saw any flags I didn't and she said she did not.
My therapist is pretty blunt and at this point also protective. So if things were fishy she would be the first to say so.

2. They have "been split" for some time, despite still being married and also still roomates. They have seperate bedrooms, and he is aware she is done.
I do believe that He doesn't want this course of action, but thats not my end of things to worry aout.

3. I spoke to my therapist at length about her mental health stuff.
Firstly, i firmly believe that nobody in my whole generation is 100% mentally healthy.
We all have baggage and we all have to learn how to carry it. Which is what I have spent so much time in therapy doing.
She deals with more depression and hormonal issues, not the veiled monster that is BPD.
If anything, I feel far more prepared to be a supportive partner than ever before BECAUSE of all I have learned about myself and relationships in the past few years.

LASTLY, and let me say this real loud for everyone in the back.
I AM FULLY PREPARED TO WALK AWAY THE INSTANT ANY OF THIS FEELS THE LEAST BIT DISHONEST, CHAOTIC, FISHY OR LIKE A REBOUND.

I learned a harsh harsh lesson over the last year about how it feels to be strung along, lied to, hot/cold, etc.
I sense none of that from this woman, and When our conversations started turning romantic, I immediately began looking for signs of smiliar behavior.
I sense none of the same indicators.

[Pook075]

Legally speaking, Yes.

I am treading VERY carefully. trust me buddy, If I didn't think this girl was worth the wait, I would walk.

Here are a few bullet points.

1. I've spoken to my therapist ad nauseum about this situation, and other then a few cautionary pieces of advice, she has told me that despite the complicated appearance, she thinks its a good situation to at least wait and see what happens. I have sent my therapist several conversation screenshots just to go over everything in full detail with her.
I asked her to see if she even saw any flags I didn't and she said she did not.
My therapist is pretty blunt and at this point also protective. So if things were fishy she would be the first to say so.

2. They have "been split" for some time, despite still being married and also still roomates. They have seperate bedrooms, and he is aware she is done.
I do believe that He doesn't want this course of action, but thats not my end of things to worry aout.

3. I spoke to my therapist at length about her mental health stuff.
Firstly, i firmly believe that nobody in my whole generation is 100% mentally healthy.
We all have baggage and we all have to learn how to carry it. Which is what I have spent so much time in therapy doing.
She deals with more depression and hormonal issues, not the veiled monster that is BPD.
If anything, I feel far more prepared to be a supportive partner than ever before BECAUSE of all I have learned about myself and relationships in the past few years.

LASTLY, and let me say this real loud for everyone in the back.
I AM FULLY PREPARED TO WALK AWAY THE INSTANT ANY OF THIS FEELS THE LEAST BIT DISHONEST, CHAOTIC, FISHY OR LIKE A REBOUND.

I learned a harsh harsh lesson over the last year about how it feels to be strung along, lied to, hot/cold, etc.
I sense none of that from this woman, and When our conversations started turning romantic, I immediately began looking for signs of smiliar behavior.
I sense none of the same indicators.

Just keep focusing on your own improvements since it definitely shows- it's clear that you're mentally stronger than you were a few months ago.  And I don't think anyone here is saying 'don't give this woman a chance', we just hope that you'll proceed cautiously and remember the rollercoaster that you've been on over the past year.

It does feel like you have the right mindset- give this time, take it slow, and be prepared to run if necessary.  Just know that she's on her own journey as well and dealing with a touchy situation.  I've heard of several couples that split up but stayed in the same home because of COVID and finances, and that has to be so mentally draining.  There is always a chance there that their marriage works out, especially if there's kids involved.

As long as you're walking into this with eyes wide open and responding appropriately, then I definitely wish you luck and I hope everything works out for the best.  Again, I'm very glad you finally cut ties with the ex and broke that trauma bond!

[Rev]

Just keep focusing on your own improvements since it definitely shows- it's clear that you're mentally stronger than you were a few months ago.  And I don't think anyone here is saying 'don't give this woman a chance', we just hope that you'll proceed cautiously and remember the rollercoaster that you've been on over the past year.

It does feel like you have the right mindset- give this time, take it slow, and be prepared to run if necessary.  Just know that she's on her own journey as well and dealing with a touchy situation.  I've heard of several couples that split up but stayed in the same home because of COVID and finances, and that has to be so mentally draining.  There is always a chance there that their marriage works out, especially if there's kids involved.

As long as you're walking into this with eyes wide open and responding appropriately, then I definitely wish you luck and I hope everything works out for the best.  Again, I'm very glad you finally cut ties with the ex and broke that trauma bond!

Well said ....  Congrats on the progress - keep your eyes open - congrats on the progress.

[once removed]

Legally speaking, Yes.

I am treading VERY carefully.

But you're not.

You sought out an emotionally and physically unavailable woman to skip over grieving your ex, even though you clearly have unfinished business (you're still counting the days until you hear from your ex).

You are, in your own words, in the same place that your last relationship was in. "Waiting to hang out" with someone who is entirely unprepared to commit.

You're watching for the warning signs of "love bombing" while ignoring the very obvious signs of a dead end rebound relationship. That is what bringing baggage into the next relationship really means.

Okrunch, I don't say this with any judgment. The two relationships I got into after the one that led me here were questionable, at best. And I knew it. Truth be told, I think i needed to go a little further down that road before I could really see it for what it was, and better understand what I myself was trying to do, in order to learn to make better, harder, but healthier decisions.

It's a good goal to be more mature than we were in our previous relationship, and in the breakup. Sometimes it takes a little bit more experience to do that.

I say it to help. You are your own biggest bser. In your own words, you were fully prepared to walk away from your ex. You were a rock. Self contained and in control. A beacon of stability.

You are not only bsing yourself, but you don't seem to have a clear idea of what you are doing. That's understandable to a degree; you've been through a lot. But you're not approaching this as the wounded, vulnerable guy that you are, you're approaching it as a guy who can't handle ithe wound, and you're kicking your own ass, and you're going to find yourself in compounded emotional pain. What are you doing, man? Do you know?

I think we are all rooting for you, and just want to see you stop creating a bigger hole for yourself. This is a famously treacherous path.

[OKrunch]

But you're not.

You sought out an emotionally and physically unavailable woman to skip over grieving your ex, even though you clearly have unfinished business (you're still counting the days until you hear from your ex).

You are, in your own words, in the same place that your last relationship was in. "Waiting to hang out" with someone who is entirely unprepared to commit.

You're watching for the warning signs of "love bombing" while ignoring the very obvious signs of a dead end rebound relationship. That is what bringing baggage into the next relationship really means.

Okrunch, I don't say this with any judgment. The two relationships I got into after the one that led me here were questionable, at best. And I knew it. Truth be told, I think i needed to go a little further down that road before I could really see it for what it was, and better understand what I myself was trying to do, in order to learn to make better, harder, but healthier decisions.

It's a good goal to be more mature than we were in our previous relationship, and in the breakup. Sometimes it takes a little bit more experience to do that.

I say it to help. You are your own biggest bser. In your own words, you were fully prepared to walk away from your ex. You were a rock. Self contained and in control. A beacon of stability.

You are not only bsing yourself, but you don't seem to have a clear idea of what you are doing. That's understandable to a degree; you've been through a lot. But you're not approaching this as the wounded, vulnerable guy that you are, you're approaching it as a guy who can't handle ithe wound, and you're kicking your own ass, and you're going to find yourself in compounded emotional pain. What are you doing, man? Do you know?

I think we are all rooting for you, and just want to see you stop creating a bigger hole for yourself. This is a famously treacherous path.

Everybody else seems to think that I'm on a decent path here, I really can't help but notice that you're responses on the forum here are usually negative and judgmental in tone.

Your responses often come off as antagonistic.

[Rev]

Everybody else seems to think that I'm on a decent path here, I really can't help but notice that you're responses on the forum here are usually negative and judgmental in tone.

Your responses often come off as antagonistic.

Can you say more about that?

Rev

[OKrunch]

Can you say more about that?

Rev

"I don't say it with any judgment"
"I say this to help"

These opening statements have the same energy as
"I don't mean to be offensive but...."
" I'm being honest, I swear"

The rest of you have been very kind and helpful. But I think I've gotten all I needed to out of this, thank you all.

[Rev]

"I don't say it with any judgment"
"I say this to help"

These opening statements have the same energy as
"I don't mean to be offensive but...."
" I'm being honest, I swear"

The rest of you have been very kind and helpful. But I think I've gotten all I needed to out of this, thank you all.

Crunch, I hear that you are frustrated.

And in the face of what people who have way more experience than I do even, I wonder what you might expect from them when they and others, like myself, see the choices you seem to be making as potentially harmful to you and around you.

Put another way, if you were talking to you, how would you appreciate hearing honesty without hearing judgement?  If you could frame the answer to that question of - "please say __________" rather than "don't say ________".

Thoughts?

Rev

[Pook075]

"I don't say it with any judgment"
"I say this to help"

These opening statements have the same energy as
"I don't mean to be offensive but...."
" I'm being honest, I swear"

The rest of you have been very kind and helpful. But I think I've gotten all I needed to out of this, thank you all.

Hey buddy.  Please don't give up, not yet anyway.  Let me tell you a quick story.

A few months after my separation, I ran into an old friend that I used to work with.  She was in a similar situation; her marriage was over but she was still living with her husband.  They had a little girl together.  And things were really bad, very hostile with constant screaming.  She sort of came onto me, not overly flirty but gave obvious signs that she was available and needed somewhere to stay.  Very, very good looking woman who was vulnerable and just wanted to be loved.

And I was still reeling, still trying to figure out my place in the world if it wasn't in marriage.  Every pore in my body said, "Go for it, what's the harm? Why not have a little fun and feel good for a change?" But deep down, I knew it was not the right path for me since something felt very, very off.

It is so common to want to jump right back in a relationship, but I'm glad I didn't.  She was absolutely the wrong woman for all the wrong reasons, yet I so desperately wanted to "save her" from her situation in life.  There was so much I couldn't see though, and I am so thankful that I didn't open that door.

I'm not saying that your situation is the same, and I'm sure that she's a great gal.  Nobody here is saying any different.  What others are trying to point out is that you might not be giving yourself enough time to heal from the previous relationship.  And if that's true, then this next one could end up being even more painful for you if it doesn't work out.

We're worried about you buddy and just don't want to see you get hurt.  Please know that everyone is 100% on your side here and wanting the absolute best for you.