2yrs since breakup, still not over her - what did your final recovery look like?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'll dispense with any long story about the relationship itself, I've been through it all many times over, with therapists etc and I've learned all there is to learn about BPD and what attracted me to them, what attracted them to me etc etc. All the intellectualising about the relationship is long behind me.

What I really want to discuss is as follows:

Basically, I was diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depression following the breakup from the BPD ex. A combination of EMDR and working on myself has brought me to a much more peaceful state of mind now, the last 6 months have been a big improvement. I no longer think about her all the time, and when I do I'm able to self-soothe. But life feels very limited to me now, I still feel damaged, somehow defective compared to my mind before this relationship.

I came across a picture of her yesterday from the final message she sent me, and my heart pounded as much as it ever did at the sight of her, the pain felt as real as it ever did. This is now two years on from the breakup. While I no longer obsessively ruminate about her, and although the intrusive thoughts have cleared up to a large extent - it's as if it's just been compartmentalised in my mind very effectively now, yet it's still an area that remains very painful if I really, really go there, and I believe it taints my subconscious world view and self image, even though I'm not thinking of her consciously. I want to reach a stage where I can look at her without this pain, with true equanimity -  I don't want to have to avoid it.

What I want to talk about, and hear from others, is what true recovery from this looks like? I'm looking to hear from people here who've been through this ordeal and consider themselves healed/over it. Are you able to look at their social media with calmness for example? This is something I wouldn't dare do because the pain would be too much. But at the same time I can look at pictures of other ex g/fs of mine and I feel completely fine by comparison.

TL;DR - if you're 'over' your BPD ex, what does this look like? When did you realise you were over it, and was there anything in particular which caused your shift in thoughts and feelings towards recovery?

[PretentiousBread]

I'll dispense with any long story about the relationship itself, I've been through it all many times over, with therapists etc and I've learned all there is to learn about BPD and what attracted me to them, what attracted them to me etc etc. All the intellectualising about the relationship is long behind me.

What I really want to discuss is as follows:

Basically, I was diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depression following the breakup from the BPD ex. A combination of EMDR and working on myself has brought me to a much more peaceful state of mind now, the last 6 months have been a big improvement. I no longer think about her all the time, and when I do I'm able to self-soothe. But life feels very limited to me now, I still feel damaged, somehow defective compared to my mind before this relationship.

I came across a picture of her yesterday from the final message she sent me, and my heart pounded as much as it ever did at the sight of her, the pain felt as real as it ever did. This is now two years on from the breakup. While I no longer obsessively ruminate about her, and although the intrusive thoughts have cleared up to a large extent - it's as if it's just been compartmentalised in my mind very effectively now, yet it's still an area that remains very painful if I really, really go there, and I believe it taints my subconscious world view and self image, even though I'm not thinking of her consciously. I want to reach a stage where I can look at her without this pain, with true equanimity -  I don't want to have to avoid it.

What I want to talk about, and hear from others, is what true recovery from this looks like? I'm looking to hear from people here who've been through this ordeal and consider themselves healed/over it. Are you able to look at their social media with calmness for example? This is something I wouldn't dare do because the pain would be too much. But at the same time I can look at pictures of other ex g/fs of mine and I feel completely fine by comparison.

TL;DR - if you're 'over' your BPD ex, what does this look like? When did you realise you were over it, and was there anything in particular which caused your shift in thoughts and feelings towards recovery?

[csquare319]

My heart goes out to you, my friend. I was in your shoes a year ago, and had to endure a really tough 9 months in the midst of a pandemic before I could emerge from the pain and infatuation. The moment I realized that I had moved on from the relationship was when I felt no bitterness towards her, that I could stand in her presence without being overwhelmed by emotions, and that I was no longer enslaved by her opinions of me.

It's a journey, and I wish there is a shortcut to cut through all the pain, agony and yearning over what we all thought there might have been. I was lucky that my pwBPD told me about her BPD diagnosis early-on in our relationship, so that I was wary of this fact from the beginning, and when things really fell apart, I was able to rely on it to find my closure. There are many who never had the luxury of knowing for certain that it was not because of them, not even because of the pwBPD, but because of this mental disease that have destroyed so many lives and dreams. So whatever you are going through, do not blame yourself for the failure of the relationship. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Best wishes to you in the recovery journey.

[PretentiousBread]

My heart goes out to you, my friend. I was in your shoes a year ago, and had to endure a really tough 9 months in the midst of a pandemic before I could emerge from the pain and infatuation. The moment I realized that I had moved on from the relationship was when I felt no bitterness towards her, that I could stand in her presence without being overwhelmed by emotions, and that I was no longer enslaved by her opinions of me.

It's a journey, and I wish there is a shortcut to cut through all the pain, agony and yearning over what we all thought there might have been. I was lucky that my pwBPD told me about her BPD diagnosis early-on in our relationship, so that I was wary of this fact from the beginning, and when things really fell apart, I was able to rely on it to find my closure. There are many who never had the luxury of knowing for certain that it was not because of them, not even because of the pwBPD, but because of this mental disease that have destroyed so many lives and dreams. So whatever you are going through, do not blame yourself for the failure of the relationship. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Best wishes to you in the recovery journey.

Thanks for your reply. Can I ask, have you dated/met anyone properly since this BPD ex?

[csquare319]

Yes, I dated someone very briefly towards the end of my recovery. The relationship ended due to incompatibility reasons.

I don't advocate dating for the strict purpose of rebounding, but getting out there and meeting new people provide a healthy alternative to the pain and suffering we go through while detaching from a failed relationship, even if nothing meaningful materializes from the new connections we've made.

Hope this helps. 

[bestintentions]

Hi PB,

For me (4+ years post-divorce after a 25 year relationship) terminology like "over", "damaged" and "defective" eventually gave way to "acceptance", "different" and "aware" based on nonjudgmental observations of my thoughts and feelings as a primary method of healing.  In other words - mindfulness.  It's a process, and you get better at it as you practice it.  My advice is to stop thinking in terms of where you think you should be, and start thinking in terms of self-care.

If it's any consolation, my xw isn't someone I think about on a constant or even daily basis either anymore.  But I still have dreams about her and probably always will.  I'm OK with it because I know I can't control when these thoughts and feeling arise.  Equanimity is not necessarily a final destination.

bi

[Lucky Jim]

What I want to talk about, and hear from others, is what true recovery from this looks like?

Hey PB,  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so I suggest you avoid any particular timetable.  Recovery is a big topic that may mean different things to different people.  Here are a few ideas:

For me, recovery means indifference towards my Ex.  Sure, I will always have scars, but I'm no longer invested emotionally.  I pretended a lot in my marriage.  No more.  Recovery for me involves striving for authenticity.  Recovery also means holding my ground and vowing that I will never again allow myself to become the object of anyone's abuse.  Recovery for me involves letting go of my need to rescue, by letting things play out naturally, without any need to control the outcome.  To me, it means finding my path again, by noticing the "golden threads" of my life when I come across them.  I could go on, but you get the idea!

Do any of these thoughts strike a chord with you?

LuckyJim

[Wanderer427]

bestintentions is quite right.
And I am very sorry you had this horrible experience. It is so painful. I know...

I am new here.., so im no expert, at all, but this is just my empathic way of seeing this..
I broke up with my ex BPD 3 months ago, and there is really a few things to stop thinking about her that works in the long run so far for me:


She does not think about you. She does not care. This is the hard facts!
She has the mental mind of a 4 year old child. And so you should see her as such.

Be tough on your self, be a little bit angry, and think much more like: " I dont't give a damn!"
People today have often forgotten the art of  just not give a f***.
 
Your negative "cozy" emotions, your cell phone on facebook, the picture of her in your mind,  ensures that she has a hold of you. When all this, is about YOU.
YOU matter. Your inner "self" is all that matters. You are wonderful. Amazing. And a very happy person im sure

Remove all physical memories of her. Block Facebook and all that stuff.
Stay here with us on this forum. Read the tips and tricks and the guides. They help.
Learn to meditate really really good, and ground yourself good.
Become very strong mentally. And learn to not give a f***.

Just my thoughts ;-)

[Cromwell]

I looked at her picture about 2 months ago, felt still attracted and had to wrestle away this wish that somehow I should not be. Same goes for some fear, before I even loaded up the facebook page. Felt a bit strange for a day or so after but nothing id see as the sort of state of disarray ive been before.

[l8kgrl]

PB, I can relate. I just made a similar-ish post about how I still feel somewhat traumatized by my r/s. So I guess I'm not the test case you're looking for, but I'll still share a couple of thoughts.

I like BI's idea that it's about "acceptance" and feeling "different" - not damaged.

A couple of things I have taken from this experience that I do value - 1) I feel so much more empathetic towards anyone who has experienced an abusive r/s. I don't even characterize mine as "that bad" compared to what some have been through, but it has still given me a whole new level of understanding how people (how I!) could become addicted to someone toxic. We can call that damaged, I suppose, but I think that kind of insight can also make us much more supportive and nonjudgmental towards others who have been through difficult things.

Although I do not feel grateful to my ex (I kind of hate him - hoping to get to indifferent like LJ says), I do feel gratitude for what I learned about myself through this. I learned how susceptible I was to looking to someone else for validation. I learned that some old patterns in my life were still much stronger than I thought. But through this past year, I truly believe that I have shed many layers of that. I have a new level of self-respect and unwillingness to take  from anyone just to hang onto a r/s.

This understanding and growth has come with some scars. It sounds like yours has too. Give yourself lots of credit for what you have made it through.

Kind of like coming out of COVID - we may not really be the same as we were before. But we can move forward and be happy and love ourselves. And I do believe that in time, if we keep letting ourselves feel whatever we feel, that those waves will become less and less intense when they do hit.

[crushedagain]

I think recovery depends on a number of factors. First, whether or not they ended the relationship or we did, and if we wanted it to end, and also what kind of person we are and how fast we heal from breakups.

In my situation I did not want it to end - she left me. And she was a quiet BPD who didn't lash out and mistreat me like some of the stories I read here. This made it more difficult to move on and heal. She had many great qualities and I loved her, but I realize it never could have lasted.

It's been 3 years since she left, and I am doing much better. In fact, she could show up tomorrow and there's no way I'd let her back in. That ship sailed.

[once removed]

glad to see you again pb.

i had an ex once in my senior year of high school.

she wasnt bpd, although some traits were there. i think, while relationship wounds are subjective, objectively speaking, it was a far less significant relationship than yours; than most.

for some context, i had a bad relationship history before it, two really toxic relationships, and i was just kind of an unlucky in love sort of guy. when i met this girl, she was really into me. she frequently wanted to spend time with me. i didnt feel like i liked her more than she liked me. it was a big difference. i dont think we were actually a great match for more than a month and a half, and she felt/realized that before i did. toward the end, she started to distance herself from me, on and off, and eventually broke up with me.

sitting here today, 16 years later, im not sure i ever totally recovered from it. i used drugs to cope. my life trajectory went straight downhill, even as the pain did, for the most part, dull. it was one of the last real high points of my life, at an important time in my life. i was paralyzed while i watched my peers become adults.

the ex that i came to this forum to talk about was my next girlfriend, around three years later. she was my first adult relationship, and we were together just shy of three years. it was my first adult relationship, and objectively, by far, my most significant. so many firsts. and i came to this forum because i was a complete and total basket case when she broke up with me, for months on end. riddled with anxiety and crying jags and loneliness, and even, eventually, thoughts of suicidal ideation. in a lot of ways, it was the hardest thing i ever went through. i lost my dad a little over three years ago, and while id say that was the hardest, i had better coping skills to deal with it. i wasnt a basket case, just a person in deep grief. but i had learned how to grieve.

when it comes to my bpd ex, i can confidently say i ultimately kicked recoverys ass. there is no pain i could associate with any memory of her or the relationship if i tried. nothing about it is so much as bittersweet. i have memories, physical and mental that i treasure (im sitting directly next to a gift from her on my desk), but do not miss or long for. i learned a lifetime from it and i still do. it really opened my eyes to who i was in relationships and who i want to be. that, to me, is what recovery looks like, and its very possible to achieve. yes, i can look at her social media, and i do sometimes! when we broke up, i couldnt see her page, but if she changed her profile picture, even if it was totally innocuous, id be in a tailspinning anxiety attack for hours on end.

but with the previous ex? i think it was not quite a year ago that i was still having haunting dreams about her that would shake me. flashbacks of the relationship, of the time. songs that would take me back right to it, and just haunt me.

its not immediately clear to me what the difference would be; why i was able to get over, and even thrive, after the most significant relationship of my life, vs why i made my previous relationship so significant, and struggled with it all those years later.

i know what its like to be touched by love, have it be taken from you, and have it destroy your image of yourself. we all go through important developmental periods, some of them very vulnerable. it can be a bit like how being bullied as a child is going to shape you more than if youve never been bullied before, but suddenly are, as an adult. or how one nasty word or phrase can linger for ages, or permanently change your view of that person, while another, you could work past. there are just reasons that some things hurt more than others.

recovery, i think, necessarily entails finding out what that is. it cant be done for you, and sometimes, it can take a long time; sometimes a very long time. and sometimes its done in steps. i opened up here some time ago about the previous relationship and got some perspective that helped. i havent had a dream about her in a very long time. i havent tested myself too hard, but i get the sense that id have to try harder now to conjure up any pain associated with her, it doesnt come naturally. there are some songs id prefer to avoid, but others ill bet i could listen to now.

another thing i think made the difference is finding purpose and meaning. i didnt do that after the three month relationship. i just dulled the pain and let the pain dull with time. there wasnt life after her, there was life since her. to some extent, there still is.

in some sense, and granted, i say this in the context of your post, you may be living life since her. thats not a bad or unexpected thing, indeed it is part of what recovery looks like.

but what do you think life after her looks like?

[csquare319]

sitting here today, 16 years later, im not sure i ever totally recovered from it. i used drugs to cope. my life trajectory went straight downhill, even as the pain did, for the most part, dull. it was one of the last real high points of my life, at an important time in my life. i was paralyzed while i watched my peers become adults.

I thought of Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville" as I was reading this paragraph ... My heart goes out to you, brother!