BPDw now uses D8 to push my buttons.

[tundraphile]

It has been a long time since I posted.  BPD wife is horrible with money and makes everyone miserable around her when she doesn't get her way.  Last year we built a pool (that I am paying for) and I told her her only job is to make sure she pays the few things that she is responsible for, like her car.  She also has now found this new thing to share with D8 that is very expensive.  Too expensive for us to do along with everything else.

Seven months with the pool, I had to make the third car payment for her, AND have paid all of the bills for this new ego gratification hobby she has with daughter (about $7k so far and counting).  I'm totally strapped and have had enough.

So yesterday all that tension, animosity, and resentment in me comes out.  She picked a fight telling me why I was upset that morning (actually was something else but this is always simmering).  I told her if she wanted to continue with her new thing she could continue on her own dime, I've already spent seven grand that would have been useful to pay off the pool that she had to have last year.  All of the pain and hurt I feel came to the surface and I lost my temper, as she is a master at deflecting any responsibility while at the same time questioning your sanity or even manhood.  I was furious and told her how she has hurt me over the past few months with her selfish and manipulative behavior, and that I wouldn't stand for it anymore.  :)8 was within earshot.  She then brings her into it and tells her that I wasn't the daddy she thought I should be to "her" daughter.  

D8 starts crying and storms off upstairs.  I blew my stack with BPDw and told her she was a "f---ing liar" (I think a little foggy with red mist at that point) and for certain a "G-D a--hole".  It just came out.  Possibly the most furious I have ever been at anyone.

So I start upstairs after wailing daughter, she follows.  I get to D8's room where she has locked herself in the closet.  I get there first, as I turn left into the room, BPDw punches me as hard as she can in the left shoulder.  Now standing in front of the closet door with D8 on other side.  ":)O NOT EVER HIT ME AGAIN!" I tell her.  About five milliseconds later she punches me in the chest.  I am in a state of disbelief that this little woman would actually break this line.  She can't hurt me physically.  I think I unconsciously move toward her, she raises her fist like she would do it again.  I realize I had moved toward her and as we locked gazes of hatred I step back.

Then I saw something that is burned into my brain, a satisfied smirk, an evil smile, comes across her face.  Just as a toddler who got away with something gives the Na-na-na face.  

She wanted me to hit her.  She wanted me to break that line myself so that then I would be the batterer.  She told me of how her first husband hit her, now I wonder how that all went down.

I immediately disengage and tell her "I'm calling the police and you are going to be arrested for assault."  Pulling out my phone.

This is where D8 comes back in.  She flies out of the closet telling us to stop fighting and just "Be Happy".  Inconsolable.  She expresses on the outside how I feel on the inside (even now).  :)aughter's appearance changed the dynamic of the fight, I never made the call.

BPDw gets to her first and tries to cover her to prevent me from getting near, as though I am the abuser here.  

Just when I think she can't get any worse, she still surprises me.  The look on her face was pure malice.  Wicked and devious.  I'll never forget it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

I'm not as experienced as you, in terms of how far my relationship is with my upwBPDgf, but I can relate. I have been beaten a few times, but have never hit her. Similarly, my gf is smaller than me though she has hurt me significantly before without a weapon.

The sense of remorselessness and lack of knowing the magnitude of her destructive behaviour speaks to me. The thing that helps me to cope is remembering that she is a possible BPD sufferer and that she can't help it sometimes.

Please don't mistake me, and it's not an excuse for her at all... . the boundaries and limits that you should have should be in place. I also think you need to take serious corrective steps to prevent the violence. All that aside... . remembering that she can't help it sometimes may help you to cope with the fact that she may not feel like a human being sometimes. My shortcoming is that I think my gf is an average human being and when she does things an average person would normally deem 'terrible', I can't help but judge her based on that. So it helps when I remove that assumption. I then try to use Kreger's SWOE 2nd edition, pg138 techniques on mirroring (deep breathing), try to use SET techniques, followed with boundary enforcement. That's how I feel.

Oh I think it's normal to expect that if you try and think, that she will keep coming at you, like "stirring" to keep you confused. In that case, I'd use one of the things on the list on pg155 of the 2nd edition. Just remember she will accuse you of all kinds of things, but the thing that helps me is remember that you are sincerely trying to fix things, and act to make facts speak for themselves. So, if she yells at you for walking away to think and accuses you of "not being good enough" to stand up for your daughter or something, just remember that you are doing so to prevent violence, and that walking away to calm down before reengaging is the better thing to do instead of escalating and start beating each other.

Give it a try, I'm working with my gf on it and she sounds much easier than your w, but remembering that she is a slave to her own emotions helped me to stay calm when she repeatedly beat me in the face. Strongly advise you use one of the detachment tools on pg 155 and get professional help... .

Good luck

[MyGreatEscape]

Oh my GAWD. Yeah, this is when my blood realllllly starts to boil... . when they involve the kids. What a stupid, childish remark for her to say with a little girl within earshot. And then to punch you, and act like she's the victim. Wow. Typical BPD crap. I am so sorry.

My advice would be to talk to your daughter... . when your wife isn't around. And SOON. No doubt she has seen this before, so "Mommy's behavior" is not a new thing.

I have two bio kids and two step kids... . my husband tried getting ALL the kids involved too many times to count anymore... . I was NOT going to let that happen.

I've had some calm, sobering talks with them, and they were already understanding/on-board with what is "wrong" with Dad (stepDad)... . but they were relieved that I took the time to tell them that I WILL protect them at any cost... . stepkids too... . I will fight for them tooth and nail if need be. They know this 10000% now, so they are far more at ease when my husband acts up.

It's scary for kids to have to deal with these people... . even if they just "hear" the fights we have with them. Imagine when they are put in the middle or brainwashed by someone with BPD... . it's freakin' child abuse, in my opinion. You don't recover from being brainwashed.

Oh I know that evil grin... . you're right... . it's something you never forget. That just gave me the chills.

Do what you have to do to make your daughter feel better. Your wife is clearly a great game player. Ugh, that makes me feel ill.

Wishing you luck... .

[gotbushels]

Oh my GAWD. Yeah, this is when my blood realllllly starts to boil... . when they involve the kids. What a stupid, childish remark for her to say with a little girl within earshot. And then to punch you, and act like she's the victim. Wow. Typical BPD crap. I am so sorry.

My advice would be to talk to your daughter... . when your wife isn't around. And SOON. No doubt she has seen this before, so "Mommy's behavior" is not a new thing.

I have two bio kids and two step kids... . my husband tried getting ALL the kids involved too many times to count anymore... . I was NOT going to let that happen.

I've had some calm, sobering talks with them, and they were already understanding/on-board with what is "wrong" with Dad (stepDad)... . but they were relieved that I took the time to tell them that I WILL protect them at any cost... . stepkids too... . I will fight for them tooth and nail if need be. They know this 10000% now, so they are far more at ease when my husband acts up.

It's scary for kids to have to deal with these people... . even if they just "hear" the fights we have with them. Imagine when they are put in the middle or brainwashed by someone with BPD... . it's freakin' child abuse, in my opinion. You don't recover from being brainwashed.

Oh I know that evil grin... . you're right... . it's something you never forget. That just gave me the chills.

Do what you have to do to make your daughter feel better. Your wife is clearly a great game player. Ugh, that makes me feel ill.

Wishing you luck... .

Hahahaha MGE "Wow. Typical BPD crap. I am so sorry." that's so funny. Definitely how I feel sometimes. It's difficult reconciling like this an expect them to be someone you're supposed to be able to depend on... . do you find you've signed your life away as a caretaker of someone instead of with someone supports you with your dreams? I know marriage is supposed to be give and take but with a spouse with BPD it seems to be the all to familiar 99% give... .

Also, how do you have 'that conversation' with your kids?

[MyGreatEscape]

LOL... . oops, did I say that out loud? Yeah, I'm not so good with the sugar-coating stuff.

Ya know, Gotbushels, yeah, I do sometimes feel that I've become "caretaker"... . dealing with my husband when BPD rears its ugly head is not unlike what it was like when I took care of my Dad who had Dementia. It's moments of lucidity... . then BAM! Psychobabble-drama and no recall of any of it... . or I'm to blame, whatever. Nonsense.

Having that talk with my bio-kids and step kids wasn't that difficult. I had already been talking to "my" kids a little already... . asking them what they thought about what had gone on (the first outbursts) and apologizing for getting them in this mess. I then spoke to my oldest stepson and just laid it all out... . that I loved his Dad, but he knows as well as I do that he has big problems to deal with (he had been on the receiving end of his Dads BPD behavior for years, but I had no clue about this until we had moved in together).

I told all of them that I am trying my best to get him to go to therapy but I can't keep doing this forever... . and that no matter what happens, I am 100% going to make sure they are okay and taken care of. My stepson has been through absolute hell (a whole other novel) and I assured him that I would never do to him what his "last mom" did and that I would always welcome him in my home if his Dad and I split up. He already made it clear he would leave with me if we did ever divorce.

Then there were talks about outbursts when my husband involved the kids... . when he'd leave I would immediately talk to them, ask how they were, what would THEY like me to do (leave, try more, wait to see if therapy worked, etc.) and really left it up to their input... . I didn't want to "poison" their opinion... . but definitely wanted to gauge what was affecting them so I could minimize that when my husband raged.

Basically, I want them to know that doors of communication are open. Bad-mouthing turns into brainwashing, so I avoid that, but I am honest with anything they ask... . so they do know he has a mental illness, and some of the terrible things he's done... . because they've heard him screaming and asked me about it. I don't tell them any explicit details (we all know how our BPD's get) but I am as honest as I can be for their age group.

[gotbushels]

What frequency does your husband have outbursts or express BPD behaviour? My gf is about every 5 days... . from big fights to smalls fights but she has a two weeks of quiet period every now and then. Outburst is for 1-12 hours indiscriminate of working days.

It's really mature that you approach your kids that way.

Do you have a close support group? I'm operating in isolation apart from a handful of people that know about things in case things get legal. It's hard knowing what's right and what my rights are, as well as my gf's, as well as enforcing those, but now that I have a lot more resources upon discovering BPD, things are much easier, and they are getting easier as I'm using the tools.

How old were your bio-kids when you first had a talk explaining to them about your h? How did you tell them that he 'has' BPD without a formal diagnosis? How did you deal with them keeping it confidential? I expect that would be another massive fight just because your h has BPD, if he finds out.

Does your h know you think he has BPD and should go into therapy?

I'm sorry about all the questions... . if you have answered them before just let me know the thread names and I'll read about it!

[MyGreatEscape]

Hi again gotbushels... . no worries about the questions, that is why we are all here... . to find yet another way of dealing with this (and haven't we all tried everything possible?), so if anything I've done helps you, great!

My husband has no set cycle... . I have been keeping a calendar! I still have the calendar hidden (so he won't rip it up in a rage), but I have told my husband I have it... . too much stuff has happened between us for me to nanny him with this nonsense anymore.

He has zero tools for handling stress, so a lot of his rages are set off by things he gets overwhelmed about (and it's always something you or I would let roll off our shoulders) so it's hard to gauge when or what will do it. Now that I know what "this" is, I am all for being upfront with him... . I tell him what I see that sets him off when it happens. For example, when he has to deal with his ex (especially in court) he ends up raging or breaking down (toward me) within 24 hours. Granted, the ex is a horrible person and abused his sons (I helped him fight for custody and we won) but there is no reason to act like he does. A few weeks ago, we had a court date... . he did NOT rage. First time EVER! Pointing it out helped. Honestly I think it was because I worded it like this: that he was "giving his power and happiness away to HER by acting like that afterward... . " but it worked, so who cares! This is all very much a mind-game... . and we MUST win... . so word things however you need to in order to get your point across to them. It won't always work, but we have to try (and try, and try... . ). I joke that this is like groundhog's day... .

My husband has now seen 4 therapists. He'll be the first to tell you that... . (like it's an achievement or proof that it's "not him" but he would go 3 times (free through his employer) then never go back. This last time, however, I had the big D papers printed out and had opened my own checking account, so he knew I wasn't bluffing... . he has now gone 5 times with this last one and we have an appt. this week. My husband knew I thought he had BPD because he found my "Stop walking on eggshells" book... . and of course skimmed through it and said IIIIIIII was the one with BPD. Yes, he initially raged when he found out that I dare thought HE had something "wrong with him." Typical. Oh well. Now it's all very matter-of-fact.

I've told him I know he has this... . and the new T has mentioned "adjustment disorder" or "dysregulation disorder"... . which is BPD. The T says from his 30 years of experience, BPD's are hopeless so he doesn't tell them it's BPD because they won't come back. I don't know if I agree with that... . but my husband does admit he has big problems... . but depending on the day/mood, it could be alllll my fault. I don't let him pin anything on me though, and in a very business-like manner I'll remind him of a few key things he was doing wellllllll before I came along. That usually shuts him up for the moment.

In the past 6 months, since I have stuck to being totally blunt... . things have changed drastically. He has committed to therapy and has actually stopped himself quite a few times during rages. It's no overnight miracle, but something in him is changing.

I am also basically isolated from support... . although my sister and one close cousin know about my situation (my sister saw him in action), I rarely tell them anything anymore because they think I should just leave. Yeah, not so easy when I am going to school, have no job and there are 4 kids I need to take care of.

My kids were 7 and 11 when I first talked to them, and my oldest stepson was 12 (they are now 11, 15 and 16). The younger stepson is only 6 so I haven't talked to him much about it other than ":)addy gets mad and you can come sit with me." With him it's harder because he still has random visits with his abusive bio-mom (the older son has no contact due the severity of her abuse toward him) and I try my darndest to shield him from everything, knowing he could repeat it to her or it would prompt her to take us back to court, and she is FAR worse, times 100.

I didn't tell the kids to not say anything... . I've told my husband I talk to the kids... . someone has to... . I'm not big on secrets. My husband hates my non sugar-coated honesty... . he says I'm "rude" but it is way past the point of dealing with him like he's a baby... . he's an adult who should be acting like one. I don't feel I'm mean, but I can definitely be "Spock" as he says, and I think that's fine. I can't continually break down because of his rages... . I used to... . not anymore. Being upfront has helped me... . and him. I do calmly and in a blah-tone of voice try to reason with him and tell him I see what he's dealt with in his past (his upbringing was abusive) but I tell him that he is an adult now and cannot keep allowing that to ruin his life now. I "think" I come across as understanding... . but I don't let him use excuses either.

Nowadays he seems to rage about 2 or 3 times a month... . and it can last an hour to a few days... . and, like you said... . work doesn't get in his way of stopping his behavior either.

It's a process, and an exhausting one. I am trying my best to stick this out, for now... . but time will tell if this works. HE has to prove that this is worth it, not me. I already see what we have when BPD doesn't muck things up. We have a fantastic connection and great time together... . he just needs to see that and control his immature, impulsive thoughts that always get him into trouble (sounds so simple, doesn't it?). I wish it was! I still lose it on occasion, but I try to stay neutral and just shake my head at him. I've started using the phrase, "You're doing it again... . " and that has shockingly made him pause and stop or slow his behavior... . so weird. It's like being married to a 5 year old sometimes.

Anyway... . wow, that was long... . I hope I answered some questions for you?

[gotbushels]

... .

My husband has no set cycle... . I have been keeping a calendar! I still have the calendar hidden (so he won't rip it up in a rage), but I have told my husband I have it... . too much stuff has happened between us for me to nanny him with this nonsense anymore.

... .

It's much easier for me mentally when I can see it coming instead of being in ever-alertness... . you have extraordinary tolerance... .

... .

He has zero tools for handling stress, so a lot of his rages are set off by things he gets overwhelmed about (and it's always something you or I would let roll off our shoulders) so it's hard to gauge when or what will do it. Now that I know what "this" is, I am all for being upfront with him... . I tell him what I see that sets him off when it happens. For example, when he has to deal with his ex (especially in court) he ends up raging or breaking down (toward me) within 24 hours. Granted, the ex is a horrible person and abused his sons (I helped him fight for custody and we won) but there is no reason to act like he does. A few weeks ago, we had a court date... . he did NOT rage. First time EVER! Pointing it out helped. Honestly I think it was because I worded it like this: that he was "giving his power and happiness away to HER by acting like that afterward... . " but it worked, so who cares! This is all very much a mind-game... . and we MUST win... . so word things however you need to in order to get your point across to them. It won't always work, but we have to try (and try, and try... . ). I joke that this is like groundhog's day... .

... .

Exactly how I feel. Sometimes. Isn't it always "sometimes"? Living the 'walking paradox' with a partner is so strange sometimes... .

... .

My husband has now seen 4 therapists. He'll be the first to tell you that... . (like it's an achievement or proof that it's "not him" but he would go 3 times (free through his employer) then never go back. This last time, however, I had the big D papers printed out and had opened my own checking account, so he knew I wasn't bluffing... . he has now gone 5 times with this last one and we have an appt. this week. My husband knew I thought he had BPD because he found my "Stop walking on eggshells" book... . and of course skimmed through it and said IIIIIIII was the one with BPD. Yes, he initially raged when he found out that I dare thought HE had something "wrong with him." Typical. Oh well. Now it's all very matter-of-fact.

... .

Yes, I was the one with BPD too... . hi five that one... . it doesn't help a lot of my gf's friends are retarded... . like not pathologically... . figuratively... . rofl that I have to define that now... . the women are all self-righteous "you're always right, leave him he doesn't deserve you" and the men are all trying to sleep with her... . yeah that is an ongoing issue... .

I'm surprised he didn't rip it up... . mine probably would so I stash it... . I've marked it up so much it would actually hurt me to have that ripped up ha... .

... .

I've told him I know he has this... . and the new T has mentioned "adjustment disorder" or "dysregulation disorder"... . which is BPD. The T says from his 30 years of experience, BPD's are hopeless so he doesn't tell them it's BPD because they won't come back. I don't know if I agree with that... . but my husband does admit he has big problems... . but depending on the day/mood, it could be alllll my fault. I don't let him pin anything on me though, and in a very business-like manner I'll remind him of a few key things he was doing wellllllll before I came along. That usually shuts him up for the moment.

... .

Haha... . that's pretty harsh but I can definitely relate and my gf has the exact same reaction... . I try to avoid it to stop hurting her unnecessarily but her BPD version loves going back to it... .

Things are definitely business-like when gf is in BPD mode so I feel like we're playing the same game... . very weird... . my P helped me a lot with just a few key bits of advice on handling my gf... . he's amazing... . cost me half my paycheck though haha... . just kidding... .

I made sure to keep my IHYDLM book by Kreisman well away from oxygen... .

... .

In the past 6 months, since I have stuck to being totally blunt... . things have changed drastically. He has committed to therapy and has actually stopped himself quite a few times during rages. It's no overnight miracle, but something in him is changing.

... .

I am feeling this too... . how long have you two been together... . ? Bluntness and the tips from my P are really helping me... . it's gone so well I've shifted to helping her out now... . and started working on myself haha... .

... .

I am also basically isolated from support... . although my sister and one close cousin know about my situation (my sister saw him in action), I rarely tell them anything anymore because they think I should just leave. Yeah, not so easy when I am going to school, have no job and there are 4 kids I need to take care of.

... .

That's almost exactly my situation. Complete with them thinking I should leave. Except without the bits and pieces coming out of a marriage... .

... .

My kids were 7 and 11 when I first talked to them, and my oldest stepson was 12 (they are now 11, 15 and 16). The younger stepson is only 6 so I haven't talked to him much about it other than ":)addy gets mad and you can come sit with me."

... .

That's adorable haha... . thank you for the ages... . sounds like the ages I would probably do it too... .

... .

With him it's harder because he still has random visits with his abusive bio-mom (the older son has no contact due the severity of her abuse toward him) and I try my darndest to shield him from everything, knowing he could repeat it to her or it would prompt her to take us back to court, and she is FAR worse, times 100.

I didn't tell the kids to not say anything... . I've told my husband I talk to the kids... . someone has to... . I'm not big on secrets. My husband hates my non sugar-coated honesty... . he says I'm "rude" but it is way past the point of dealing with him like he's a baby... . he's an adult who should be acting like one. I don't feel I'm mean, but I can definitely be "Spock" as he says, and I think that's fine. I can't continually break down because of his rages... . I used to... . not anymore. Being upfront has helped me... . and him. I do calmly and in a blah-tone of voice try to reason with him and tell him I see what he's dealt with in his past (his upbringing was abusive) but I tell him that he is an adult now and cannot keep allowing that to ruin his life now. I "think" I come across as understanding... . but I don't let him use excuses either.

... .

Have you got favourite techniques with dealing with him? I feel like I'm baking something haha... . Spock is great... . sounds like he has a sense of humour... .

... .

Nowadays he seems to rage about 2 or 3 times a month... . and it can last an hour to a few days... . and, like you said... . work doesn't get in his way of stopping his behavior either.

It's a process, and an exhausting one. I am trying my best to stick this out, for now... . but time will tell if this works. HE has to prove that this is worth it, not me. I already see what we have when BPD doesn't muck things up. We have a fantastic connection and great time together... . he just needs to see that and control his immature, impulsive thoughts that always get him into trouble (sounds so simple, doesn't it?). I wish it was! I still lose it on occasion, but I try to stay neutral and just shake my head at him. I've started using the phrase, "You're doing it again... . " and that has shockingly made him pause and stop or slow his behavior... . so weird. It's like being married to a 5 year old sometimes.

... .

WOW... . that reads like something out of 'the day of the triffids'... . my gf is still in denial. I'm so glad for you that you seem to be in a really healthy place in your life... . I was reading about a sociopath on here the other day and your life reads like a Hallmark compared to that... .

If it's worth anything, I think he really cares alot... . I think it's very hard for them to get through that denial given their tendency for narcissism and to try escape anything that indicates the problem is within them... . well done and I'm really glad for you... . I think there's lots of hope for you guys and I hope you make the 80% of the success cases 

... .

Anyway... . wow, that was long... . I hope I answered some questions for you?

... .

Yes, thank you MGE!

[MyGreatEscape]

Hey there... . sorry I have been neck-deep in school lately and haven't had a chance to get on here!

Ah, I wish my life was like Hallmark... . I've read about how empathic people seem to attract sociopathic/psychopaths too... . totally my case! My husband has been there - to psychopath land - believe me. He still has his moments too, it's scary.

I think I am ONLY at a "healthy" point in my life because of myself, and for my kids. My husband... . yeah, I love him, and I give him a thumbs-up for acknowledging some of his issues (unlike many others SO's on here, sadly) but he has been, and can be a raging monster too. There were days I had horrible thoughts I almost can't admit to myself because I was to the point of just wishing he would disappear forever... . to end his own pain, and ours... . but then I was like, NO... . this relationship isn't going down this way.

I am where I am because I pretty much don't take NO for an answer and will find resolve to every situation... . whatever that entails. I do have nerves of steel for many situations, so that has helped, no doubt.

Another thing too, which is very unpopular to admit on here... . I really don't buy the JADE thing and acting like Jesus when someone is acting like a total lunatic in front of you.

Yes, I'd say I am logical and calm during most of his rages... . but I think there are times that dropping a well-timed F-bomb and walking out on them, or screaming back for a second does something. I don't have any "techniques" but being blunt (but honest) has worked WONDERS.

When honesty with calm, nicey-ness doesn't work, being a bi**h does. My husband only started snapping out of his stupor when I was like, alright you effing psycho... . we're divorcing, I'm taking the kids, you will be alone, so eff off. And I started following through... . opened my own bank account, started changing my passwords (which was a thing HE did when he was raging) so he was kind of, well, shocked into reality.

That wasn't some magic switch... . being blunt... . he's still raged since then but it's far less, doesn't last as long, and I just won't have it. I leave. I tell him when he stops acting like a 5 year old, we can talk. Until then, he can go stomp up and down somewhere alone. And, when he's raging, I say things like, hey... . go look at yourself in the mirror right now... . you look pretty goddamn stupid. Or I grab my iPhone and start recording him. Sounds mean to some and it may be harsh... . but THAT is what has worked with my husband... . it may not work for someone else.

[Wrongturn1]

Tundraphile: wow, that's pretty extreme stuff.  2 points I would like to make:

1) Kudos to you for not getting physical with her, even after being punched twice.  That would be incredibly difficult, and I'm glad you kept a level head in that situation and did not retaliate.  This is not the type of thing you want to continue to tolerate, for your own good and that of your daughter.  If it continues to occur, this is definitely grounds for leaving her, and you would want to document the abuse to help yourself out in the proceedings.

2) Witnessing that type of confrontation (even just hearing, not seeing) can be very damaging to kids.  Think about getting your daughter into therapy to try to mitigate the damage.  One of the factors that I believe played a role in my wife developing BPD was that she witnessed abuse in her home as a child. 

[gotbushels]

... .

Until then, he can go stomp up and down somewhere alone. And, when he's raging, I say things like, hey... . go look at yourself in the mirror right now... . you look pretty goddamn stupid. Or I grab my iPhone and start recording him. Sounds mean to some and it may be harsh... . but THAT is what has worked with my husband... . it may not work for someone else.

HAHAHA grab the iphone and start recording. That is amazing. I would love to do that to give my gf payback for her stupid childish tantrums.