Age of Your Ex and Letting Go?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone! I'm curious to hear your feedback or advice on this.

I've realized one of my hang-ups in letting go of my relationship is the age of my ex, and where his life is at. My ex is in his 50s. He's been unemployed now for three years. His career is in the toilet, and I don't see much chance of him having an epiphany and waking up to his issues. It feels like his life is essentially over, he will never get better.

It's making it hard to let go. I wonder if my ex was younger I would be able to think he has hope to change. I guess I still cycle back to that part of the FOG where I feel I am abandoning him in his misery, though he was the one who broke up with me and not nicely, either.

I'm curious, has the age or circumstance of your ex impacted your ability to move on?

[HurtinNW]

Hello everyone! I'm curious to hear your feedback or advice on this.

I've realized one of my hang-ups in letting go of my relationship is the age of my ex, and where his life is at. My ex is in his 50s. He's been unemployed now for three years. His career is in the toilet, and I don't see much chance of him having an epiphany and waking up to his issues. It feels like his life is essentially over, he will never get better.

It's making it hard to let go. I wonder if my ex was younger I would be able to think he has hope to change. I guess I still cycle back to that part of the FOG where I feel I am abandoning him in his misery, though he was the one who broke up with me and not nicely, either.

I'm curious, has the age or circumstance of your ex impacted your ability to move on?

[Wize]

My stbx wife with BPD is 39. She's gotten worse, destroyed every close relationship in her life and... .it's really freaking sad.

[Meili]

I know that age doesn't come into play for me. I mean, I'm in my mid-40's and I'm looking at changing my life completely. We all change all the time. You're never too old to learn something new after all!

[Cynthia]

My ex is in his late 50's, his failed family relationships, his overly high expectations  of people almost always lead to him being dissapointed in them.  Then of course it's  always their fault. His total unwillingness to admit to being wrong, complete lack of empathy or attemps to see someone else's point of veiw. His anger and verbal outbursts and then trying to get his side of the story in first, not to mention his usual line "It's  not you, I'm not mad with you" but it's  us that have to watch, listen and try to deal with his erratic behaviour. Until it is me/us he is mad with, of course we made him angry. Yet still I have to go through the guilt and anguish of thinking and feeling like I was abandoning  him at his lowest point knowing he needs help.  Well guess what... .we need help too. The huge difference is that after breaking away and going through the pain barrier. We got help,all sorts of help from wherever and whoever we needed to.  His ability to accept/ ask for help is just not there it seems.

And yes you are absolutely  right... it is really freaking sad !

[HurtinNW]

Thanks! I know I believe it's never too late. I'm in my late 40s and feel my life is just beginning, in a way. But I also know that my ex is not likely to change. In fact he seems to have embraced being a "failure." He's quite open about it. I just don't see him ever confronting his issues and making a meaningful change.

It's funny, though... .if he was younger or doing better I'd probably feel hurt that he was moving on. But I would at least have hope of him stopping the train wreck of his life.

One of the nagging things for me is imagining me moving on, finding a healthy love, and realizing he is going to stay right where he is, and probably get worse. I picture him and know exactly what he will say and feel. He will continue to blame me, feel sorry for himself, and justify digging an ever-deeper hole of self-inflicted misery.

I think this image is one of things keeping me from detaching. I feel helpless, frustrated, angry, hurt and sad all at once.

[Meili]

Can you explain why that image would keep you from detaching? It certainly doesn't sound very attractive.

[Rayban]

Hello everyone! I'm curious to hear your feedback or advice on this.

I've realized one of my hang-ups in letting go of my relationship is the age of my ex, and where his life is at. My ex is in his 50s. He's been unemployed now for three years. His career is in the toilet, and I don't see much chance of him having an epiphany and waking up to his issues. It feels like his life is essentially over, he will never get better.

It's making it hard to let go. I wonder if my ex was younger I would be able to think he has hope to change. I guess I still cycle back to that part of the FOG where I feel I am abandoning him in his misery, though he was the one who broke up with me and not nicely, either.

I'm curious, has the age or circumstance of your ex impacted your ability to move on?

Hey HurtinNW. I think this is part of the F.O.G. legacy they leave behind once the relationship is over. It is quite common that just before the discard, there is a transference of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to where we feel responsible for the failure of the relationship, we are afraid of the future, and we feel obligated to remain attached somehow. I'm working through this now, and it's not easy. I think we just have to plug away, that we are responsible first and foremost for our own well being.

[Lucky Jim]

My ex is in his 50s. He's been unemployed now for three years. His career is in the toilet, and I don't see much chance of him having an epiphany and waking up to his issues. It feels like his life is essentially over, he will never get better.

Hey Hurtin', I don't see why your Ex's career is your problem.  Maybe there is a reason why you are assuming responsibility for his future?  Worth thinking about.  LJ

[HurtinNW]

Good feedback, thank you.

Meili: No, it isn't an attractive image, is it? Thank you for pointing that out to me. I think it underscores that my failure to fully detach isn't about finding these traits attractive. It's not like I want that in my life, to be honest. I don't want a partner who is unemployed, morose, angry and full of spiteful self-pity. This is about me feeling guilt, not admiration or attraction. Interesting. Why would I think that is enough for a relationship? Why don't I think I am worth a better partner?

Rayban: I've never thought of it as transference, but this hits the nail on the head. I felt responsible for him. When we met he was employed, seemed energetic, happy and was very loving. That was a brief period. He soon became angry, devaluing, and then lost his job, which was partially due to his behaviors. It was downhill after that. I came to feel responsible for his misery. He blamed me for his misery, constantly irritated and aggravated with how I did chores, etc. Maybe I internalized that blame into feeling responsible for his entire state of being? I've also written about how he plays the victim with friends, and uses social media to act the victim. Everything does seem pointed at making me the guilty party. That FOG rolls in from all directions, doesn't it?

Lucky Jim: Good point. In my family we were trained to take care of my mother, and feel responsible for her every feeling and action. My mother was mentally ill, very BPD. If she hurt me it was my fault. If she made a mistake it was my fault. I think I have learned from a young age to feel responsible for others.

[Herodias]

My ex is 35 and I know of people in the 80's still struggling. To me, it's all about hitting a "rock bottom" and wanting to finally get help. There is nothing you can do... .especially if they have a  victim and "it's all your fault" mentality.  But, I hope life isn't over at 50! Since I am 51! I think you need to realize it's not over until it's over anymore and people are as young as they feel. You may feel that way, but he may not. Everyone is different, so you cannot make this kind of judgement call. Mine was a bit young for me as I realize everyone may think... .It didn't feel that way to us... .until he flipped and became that "toddler". I feel like he was using me as a mother figure in some ways... .It was kind of strange really,  

[Leonis]

My ex is currently 25, turning 26 later this year. I'm 27 myself, so it is somewhat difficult to let go; especially when we are both essentially in our prime.

[HurtinNW]

My ex is currently 25, turning 26 later this year. I'm 27 myself, so it is somewhat difficult to let go; especially when we are both essentially in our prime.

Yes, that would be its own kind of special pain: the promise of future. Thanks for sharing.

[seenr]

My ex is 40, I am 42.

She turned 40 three weeks after we split. I had planned a really expensive gift for her, something to last in the memory forever, but it wasn't to be.

[stimpy]

I think the age and personal circumstances of my ex have played a part in making it harder to let go. My ex is 51, and discarded me just over a year ago. At first she seemed ok, but later became unemployed and from what I've seen she is now a person in distress and very unhappy.

This makes me intensely sad and I have a mix of feelings, partly compassion for her situation, but also anger at her terrible behaviour towards me.

At the end of the day she is the eternal victim, and her current unhappy situation probably plays into her life narrative. No doubt I have joined the long list of people who have let her down, and I am to blame. Even though she was the one who ended it, and in the most cruel way imaginable.

I feel compassion, but there is nothing I can do, and I think she needs to hit rock bottom before she may begin to make changes to her life. I have made a promise to myself. If she ever comes to me and is open and honest about what happened and that she wanted a friend to help her improve her life, I would do that. But nothing else. It is not for me to save her.

[HurtinNW]

I think the age and personal circumstances of my ex have played a part in making it harder to let go. My ex is 51, and discarded me just over a year ago. At first she seemed ok, but later became unemployed and from what I've seen she is now a person in distress and very unhappy.

This makes me intensely sad and I have a mix of feelings, partly compassion for her situation, but also anger at her terrible behaviour towards me.

At the end of the day she is the eternal victim, and her current unhappy situation probably plays into her life narrative. No doubt I have joined the long list of people who have let her down, and I am to blame. Even though she was the one who ended it, and in the most cruel way imaginable.

I feel compassion, but there is nothing I can do, and I think she needs to hit rock bottom before she may begin to make changes to her life. I have made a promise to myself. If she ever comes to me and is open and honest about what happened and that she wanted a friend to help her improve her life, I would do that. But nothing else. It is not for me to save her.

Stimpy, sounds somewhat similar to my situation. My ex also plays the eternal victim. He also ended it, and was cruel, but makes the narrative about him being the victim.

I would very much like to get where you are, where I accept he is the only one who can change things. I think I struggle because I suspect he never will confront his issues. He will end up being a very lonely, sad and bitter person. He already is. He is clearly in profound distress.

The fact that it didn't have to be this way is what stops me, over and over again.

If you have any advice for what helped you get to that place of acceptance and peace, I'm all ears. I'm doing the lessons and tools, in therapy and everything else. It's just a really hard process.

[Lucky Jim]

I think I struggle because I suspect he never will confront his issues. He will end up being a very lonely, sad and bitter person. He already is. He is clearly in profound distress.

Hey Hurtin', At the risk of sounding like a broken record, why is this your problem?  In my view, you are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  I suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer, which might help you to let go of the need to control things that are clearly out of your control.

The fact that it didn't have to be this way is what stops me, over and over again.

I beg to differ.  It does have to be this way, because your Ex has BPD.  Right?  That's the reality of the situation.  The sooner you accept this reality, the better.  I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but sometimes it helps to hear something said in direct fashion.

LuckyJim

[HurtinNW]

I think I struggle because I suspect he never will confront his issues. He will end up being a very lonely, sad and bitter person. He already is. He is clearly in profound distress.

Hey Hurtin', At the risk of sounding like a broken record, why is this your problem?  In my view, you are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  I suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer, which might help you to let go of the need to control things that are clearly out of your control.

The fact that it didn't have to be this way is what stops me, over and over again.

I beg to differ.  It does have to be this way, because your Ex has BPD.  Right?  That's the reality of the situation.  The sooner you accept this reality, the better.  I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but sometimes it helps to hear something said in direct fashion.

LuckyJim

I'm trying to learn how to accept it. That's why I'm here, and asking for help, as well as working the program. I think we are all in different places and stages. It's only been four months since the final break and I am still going through a lot. I'd rather be open and honest and ask for help than feel I have to pretend I am in a place of my recovery that I am not. 

[stimpy]

Hi HurtinNW,

in reply... .

First off, if I have this right, you are 4 months out. I am a year. That is a huge difference and the move from survive to thrive for me has been very very very gradual. The processing takes a long time, and I suffered from cognitive dissonance for a long time, with my rational head knowing to avoid her like the plague, but my emotional heart wanting her back so so bad. That is tough and not easy for anyone. And the process continues.

I won't go through everything, I'd have to write a book! But some key things that have helped me are:-

If you can, find a mentor/therapist/friend who understands what has happened to you and is happy to talk to you about it. I talked and talked and talked and talked, to help me process what had happened to me. I also wrote everything down, over and over again. I guessI was externalising what had happened to me.

I learned everything I could about BPD, NPD, HPD, read up on it, looked at you tube videos, anything and everything until it became like second nature. This I think helped to rationalise and depersonalise what she had done and her behaviour.

I took up some sports and pastimes that I'd forgotten about, for me it was badminton, but I think any sport/physical exercise is a good idea.

I made some new friends, who knew nothing about my ex, and I never talk about her to them. They are like my oasis away from her craziness. New people, new experinces and they know me just as a new person. This I think is part of creating a new, post relationship identity / persona, that has no connection with the past.

I have dumped a couple of "friends" who I realise were not helping me. Indeed, they were making things worse. Now I refuse to let anyone devalue me now, and that has been a big change in me. So I suppose I have developed friendship boundaries, and I stick to them.

Above all, I have done my best to listen to my gut feeling/emotions. And I suppose I became sort of selfish.What I mean is that for example, if I was feeling down in the dumps at 10.00 in the evening then I wouldn't hesitate to contact a friend and just say to them - I'm feeling a bit down, need a chat, are you around? Nine times out of ten, they would come back, yes of course, no problem. So I lent on my frends, something that doesn't come to me easily. But I just did. So making sure that the friends you have are good friends is really important. The other thing about emotions, is to accept that some of the darker ones, like anger and bitternes will come to you and are normal, and will pass. They are fairly alien emotions to me, and I don't like them, but they are normal. At the end of the day, I have been the subject of abuse by someone I loved and trusted, so those negative emotions are to be expected. Indeed, I understand the emotion of anger much better than I used to. I think it is a protective emotion as it helps to push harmful things or people away, even if the harmful thing or person is now only in my mind as a memory.

I hope this makes sense and if any of it helps you, that's great 

Finally a quick word on NC. I am NC now, but wasn't at first, and at 4 months out, was in low contact. For some reason I needed it. And it helped me, because her behaviour after she discarded me was so selfish and childish and mean and spiteful, that it helped me see her in a new light. I think the contact / low contact / No contact thing is very personal and for me was a process, not an event.

All the best, Stimpy.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you, Stimpy!

I'm doing most those things, and perhaps I am having an impatience that none are magic wands that make the pain disappear. I'm an impatient person by nature, very high energy and like to accomplish things, and I think I have a hard time just letting these feelings happen. 

The getting selfish thing is really hard for me. I'm practicing asking others for help. This board has been really good for that, because I've learned to ask for help here My therapist is encouraging me to stay in the anger. She keep prodding me back to that, because anger is our self saying no more.

I appreciate the words about NC. I've been pretty much NC for the four months, but do peek at my ex on social media. It helps with my own codependent fear of being alone, and loss. At least I know where he is and what he is doing, and it is a strange small comfort that while he ghosted on me, I know he is still alive.

Thank you again!   

[stimpy]

Hey you're more than welcome

[seenr]

Stimpy, sounds somewhat similar to my situation. My ex also plays the eternal victim. He also ended it, and was cruel, but makes the narrative about him being the victim.

This one is something I cannot fathom.

My Ex used to complain about me leaving. I’d leave for an hour, sometimes a week. This was going back 5-6 years ago. I know it was my fight or flight response and to be fair to her it triggered her abandonment issues. She ended the relationship 5 years ago, told me ‘get out of my life forever’ but she came back a year later. She ended the relationship in 2015 and told me I was ugly and she didn’t love me any more. Six months later she said ‘I love you I’ve been out with other men, they just are not you’.

After months of being together and her throwing me out, she recently told me the relationship had failed because of me leaving. I checked my diary – number of times I was asked to leave, bags packed etc = 10. Number of times I left = 1 (after being assaulted). I’m not a victim, I chose to give it a shot with her. So why does she get to play victim? I know I have my flaws and I am doing my utmost to work on them before  entering into another relationship, but the things she has said about me, no other person on this earth has said.

So, if I’m that bad, then she has to realise that me going no contact is the way forward. Already because of me doing that I’ve seen all sorts of bad behaviour when I collect my son. She needs to realise that is is all about him, not er and me being quiet when collecting him is for his benefit, nobody else. He loves us both so when he walks from one to the other and sees a smiling parent as the one he is going to, that’s all I want. The bad language, slamming doors, drama – not for me. If she wants to play victim, so be it. I’m not a victim, I just want to recover as fast as possible.

And all of you here are really helping with that. Thank you.

[stimpy]

Stimpy, sounds somewhat similar to my situation. My ex also plays the eternal victim. He also ended it, and was cruel, but makes the narrative about him being the victim.

This one is something I cannot fathom.

My Ex used to complain about me leaving. I’d leave for an hour, sometimes a week. This was going back 5-6 years ago. I know it was my fight or flight response and to be fair to her it triggered her abandonment issues.

Yes, this was my experience too.

I think the victim thing is a type of manipulation. My ex made herself out to be the vicitim of her mother, and her exes. On our second date she told me in alot of detail about what had happened to her. And guess what, I fell for it (and her) hook, line and sinker. My knight in shining armour side came out and I wanted to help her and show her how different I was to her other exes. Little did I know what lay in store for me later.

All victims need a persecutor. And want a rescuer. There is a very good triangle diagram done by someone called Kaplan (I think) and it shows the three sides, vicitim/persecutor/rescuer. Trouble is, once the manipulation starts, she and I moved around the triangle, and in the end, she became my persecutor and I was the victim! Quite something. And it was then that I ran, and have never looked back and began the process of recovery, and that process is still going on.

I don't want to be the vicitim and have never thought of myself in those terms, and so flight from that relationship was the only way. So after she discarded me, she tried to recycle me, for quite a few months, but I didn't allow myself to go back to her.

Looking back, the victim thing is a great way to illicit sympathy and attention from others and even to hook people into romantic relationships. But the basis for the relationship is all wrong. It is not love, it is compassion/sympathy/help/rescuing. And it will only lead to pain later. Being the victim is I think a state of mind, and once a part of someones identity, is very hard to change. It is a cop out, allows the person to avoid responsibility for their lives and also allows the victim to treat their perceived persecutor(s) very badly. My ex treated her mother in a terrible way. And in hindsight I believe this was because my ex saw her mother as her persecutor (she hated her) and she saw herself as the victim.

Trouble is, for my ex to change and no longer be the vicitim, would mean facing up to her responsibility for her own behaviour and actions. And I think that will never happen.  It would mean being realistic about herself and her fallability and her self image. It would mean immense guilt and shame and this is something I don't think my ex will ever face.

[LilMe]

My uBPD just turned 60 and I am 49.  We have 3 young children and are both very fit and active.  I am just over 2 months out and am still having a really hard time letting go in my head and heart.  I am trying to be NC, but he randomly shows up where I am and says crazy things to me (the latest is that I have a boyfriend and make the children call him daddy!).  I know I will never go back and he has done a lot of awful things, especially since I left - like called the child abuse hotline 4 times on me and lied to and manipulated people we know against me, etc.

But now and then it just hits me; I guess the sadness for what we have lost.  I really loved him and thought he loved me.  I promised in my heart I would do whatever it took to make it work.  I still care about him very deeply.  He was so great for the first year or two and then randomly great during the next 8 years.  I know that will never come back and was not even real, but I just can't seem to let it go.  I feel somehow attached to him, almost physically, and do not know how to break away.  I just started back into counseling last week so maybe she can help me deal with it.  I honestly feel like I will never get over this.

Hang in there, Hurtin.  You are definitely not alone and I know many others here have gone through this before us.

[Lucky Jim]

I'd rather be open and honest and ask for help than feel I have to pretend I am in a place of my recovery that I am not.

I'm sorry, Hurtin', to hear what you're going through and encourage you to continue to be open and honest.  Agree, we're all at different stages of recovery and there's no timetable.  Everyone goes at his/her own pace.  So hang in there and keep posting!  LJ