I reached out to the ex-wife (m)

[cookiecrumbled]

and am trying to brace myself for backlash.  Please read the email I sent tonight and let me know what you think.  I hope I have not made a terrible mistake.


Dear *** -

I have prayed and prayed about contacting you -- whether it was the right or wrong thing to do - and I sincerely apologize if you believe this is an inappropriate communication.  I have waited until now to write because I was still in love with *** and hoped he would come back.  Also, I feared his wrath if he knew I reached out to you.  Now, however,  I feel there is nothing left to lose.  I am apparently dead to him.

First, I want to tell you how very sorry I am if I caused you any pain.  I was not aware (and still may not be) how soon after **** moved out of the marital home that I met him.  Also, please know that I frequently saw your side of whatever situation the two of you were dealing with because I could identify with you as the wife and mother more than 'the husband' - although I hasten to assure you that **** rarely spoke ill of you - it was more the circumstance and the normal adjustment/frustration of living and parenting separately.  I was extremely impressed when you went right out and got a job, moved your children to a new school, sold and bought a new home.  You did not languish miserably in his wake (as I have) and I often expressed admiration for your fortitude.

Secondly, I want to compliment you on your children.  They are polite and adorable and I loved them immediately.  ***** was understandably reticent to open up to me and she is to be commended for her loyalty to you, which is why I did not try to force a relationship when she was uncomfortable.  I hoped it would come in time.  I know you are proud of her.  **** is precious and a riot and I cannot tell you how much I adored them both.  I hope they are happy and well. 

Finally, and I hesitate here to find the right words... .  I wonder if you would be willing to share with me your experience.  No one knows him better than you do.   I have suffered terribly from ****'s sudden, still unexplained departure from my life and the life of my children.  My boys could not wrap their heads around it and asked repeatedly for me to write him a letter and say we were all sorry for whatever we had done.  One of them, in particular, was substantially affected.   I am not searching for any 'dirt', anything that I would use against him, or you --  I guess what I am seeking is some sort of understanding.  I can only pray it does not prove to be a futile search --  as it has been that very inexplicability that has been so difficult for me to bear.   

With great respect and apologies,

****


What if she hates me and screams back at me?  I guess at this point I don't know if anyone can hurt me more than I have already suffered.  She may say, "Um, excuse me stranger, but I have no clue as to what you are talking about and I will thank you to never contact me again."  Or "*** told me you went psycho when he broke up with you and now I know it." 

Crumbled Cookie

[hellnback]

I don't think you have anything to be afraid of. This was a very thoughtful letter to try and get the answers you seek.

First, I want to tell you how very sorry I am if I caused you any pain.  I was not aware (and still may not be) how soon after **** moved out of the marital home that I met him.

If the above quote is not talking about some sort of deception, then please forgive me.

As the ex spouse of a wayward wife who cheated, I can say that I would not be offended to receive such an email. However, I would not respond to it. I would feel vindicated that the other person was hurt as well. I would feel that it wasn't just me. Then, I would delete. 

What if she hates me and screams back at me?

Why are you affraid of this? Are you looking for her approval?  She might just answer back too

I'd be very curious to know how this works out.

[PrettyPlease]

  I guess what I am seeking is some sort of understanding. 

onetoughcookie,

I think that if you want to find lost connection, lost family, then perhaps this may succeed. I think the chances are low, but plenty of people play the lottery on much lower chances.

But, if what you actually want is what you stated, understanding, then I would ask you, understanding what?

The mind of your BPDx?

The mind of the BPDx's X-wife?

Your own mind?

My hunch is that at this point, for all of those things, you'll have a better chance of gaining some understanding by studying the lessons and boards on this site, than by writing to her.

My 2c, and I hope it doesn't sound harsh. I'm sure it took a great deal of courage to do this, and I respect that.

PrettyPlease

[HardTruth]

Hi Cookie,

I totally get where you're coming from.  It really helps to get validation.  It can be very healing, and adjust the story and questions playing through your mind.  It may help you realize that there's nothing that you could have done.  He's on his own cycle, pulling you into a no-win situation, where you lost big time when he ran away.

I got lucky.  My friend who introduced me to my exBPD had a weird experience with him the night before he broke up with me.  When I called her the next day to say, OMG! she was able to validate for me that something was off with him.  As time has gone on, she has talked to a couple people who knew him, although none that dated him, and has shared with me what they said.  This has helped.

I was not so lucky with a previous sudden break-up.  We knew a lot of people in common, but no one had experienced what I had - being the SO.  I wish I could have talked to his previous SO so I could have found out why she left him. 

Good luck with this.  I do hope you get a compassionate response from his ex.

[Whatwasthat]

 Hi Cookie

I really understand why you did this. I did the same thing - and in fact it did work for me. I got a kind and helpful response. But it is a gamble. To be honest under 'normal circumstances' I wouldn't have dreamed of doing such a thing - but these don't feel like   'normal circumstances' do they?

I do hope it works out well for you. But if you get no response - or one that's hurtful or difficult - then do make sure you don't write again. And even if you get a kind and supportive reply be very careful about how you then respond to that.

Do you have a T at the moment? I had a counsellor for about six months in the wake of being dumped and found it immensely useful. I would suggest getting one if you haven't already. They would be a good support if this overture isn't well received - and can help guide you if you get a nice reply and decide to enter into further communication with the ex-wife.

This is delicate territory and I wouldn't actively recommend anyone reaching out to an ex under these circumstances. But you've written a thoughtful and caring letter and so have really done the best you can.

Remember - if you get something tough back it's no reflection on you. Your ex's ex wife doesn't know you (I assume) so it will simply reflect the strangeness and difficulty of the situation.

Sending best wishes. WWT.

[cookiecrumbled]

First, I want to tell you how very sorry I am if I caused you any pain.  I was not aware (and still may not be) how soon after **** moved out of the marital home that I met him. If the above quote is not talking about some sort of deception, then please forgive me.

Noo.  I met him on a dating site AFTER he moved out of the marital home and they had hired attorneys.  I guess I shouldn't have even brought that up but I was horrified to find out (much later) that it had been less than 4 weeks after they had separated that we met and started dating.  They had been married for over a decade.  I know they were separated - that was never a question - but it was the quickness of it that I was apologizing for b/c it had to hurt her.

Thank you all for your kind words.  I guess I sealed the coffin on him ever coming back to me by sending this email - but then again there was no hope anyway.  I will let you know if I get a response.

[trouble11]

WOW ... .  what an incredibly well written letter.  I hope you get your questions answered.  You may actually bring the ex wife peace by letting her know it wasn't just her.  I have considered reaching out to the ex girlfriend before me to let her in on the BIG secret, but in the past she has used information as a tool to hurt and/or manipulate the exBPDbf.  I think if I tried to help her she would immediately text and tell him I said he was borderline.  And yet again. my good deed would be punished.  I do feel bad for her though. I'm sure she has no idea what happened. 

[cookiecrumbled]

WOW ... .  what an incredibly well written letter.  I hope you get your questions answered.  You may actually bring the ex wife peace by letting her know it wasn't just her.  I have considered reaching out to the ex girlfriend before me to let her in on the BIG secret, but in the past she has used information as a tool to hurt and/or manipulate the exBPDbf.  I think if I tried to help her she would immediately text and tell him I said he was borderline.  And yet again. my good deed would be punished.  I do feel bad for her though. I'm sure she has no idea what happened. 

Hi Trouble 11 

Thank you.  Regarding the former ex, you could always anonymously give her the information.  That way, when she tells the ex BF, it would make you look good for taking the high road.

I'll keep you posted - no response as yet. 

[Lady31]

I finally did this a little over a year ago.  My H was married once before, and his exwife left him for another man.  Of course, he told me all these horrible things about her and had "his version" of what went down.  They divorced years ago, and she married the other guy soon after the divorce so had been married for quite some time when I finally contacted her.  (Wasn't in a place of grief at the time.)

She was VERY nice.  She told me many many things that happened in their marriage, and of course, it was NOTHING like what my H had said.  And SO many thing rang true from what I had experienced with him. 

It helped a great deal in seeing that he really has been this way long before me.  It also helped my self esteem bc throughout our marriage, my H rarely wanted to have sex.  Not to brag, but I think I am a very attractive woman - so this threw me for a loop and I began getting very down on myself.  She went through a similar problem with him, and she is beautiful - so that helped me to see the light.

Along with all the other crazy things he did and said to her - total validation.

It actually brought HER some peace bc she beat herself up for a long time about leaving him (strong christian beliefs - same as me.)  When she found out that he had not changed and may have gotten worse - it validated for her that she made the right decision.  The only thing was - when I hung up the phone I WISHED I was her.  (Already out, healed and married to a GOOD man building a beautiful life without all the craziness, darkness & pain.)