The brutal honesty of my dysfunction and part of this madness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've posted a bit about my story and it's not as special or different than many.

SHort story is that even before we met (online) I felt at times almost extreme discomfort in some interactions... WHen I finally got on the plane to fly to meet her, I had said to my sister , "I hope I don't like this woman"...

And it was love at first sight... we both felt it... . ridiculous. As the weeks went on, as is often the case, the connection, the sex, all of it were on a level I really only dreamed of. I felt complete... Little did I know that as I was professing my love, she was seeing someone else.

We're both middle aged with kids at the time and the whole thing exploded as she did things to hurt me when I ended the engagement and I hurt her with the most powerful weapons in my arsenal... It made me feel worse to hurt her.

We both moved on and I went right into another extremely dysfunctional relationship with a much younger woman and I know i did this as a way to either punish myself (it was 10x worse than my exBPD) or for the belief I didn't deserve better or maybe as I said at the time, this was my way to face the demon directly and see if I could beat it... . and while it was even more intense and disturbing than my ex... I did finally beat that and was able to cut it off and still maintain a cordial yet safe distance.

By my ex was always in the picture... . we texted during all this and now it's almost 6 years since we met and I saw her two weeks ago and the drama was repeated that she failed to mention she was seeing her bf (only because I am not committed to her)...

Rather than write on and on in detail which is so easy and easier than really admitting that I enjoy the fact I have my ex if I want her... and that I am getting gratification of being this hero in her life even now... we are still very involved long distance... . I do a little business with her but it's an excuse for me to have that connection.

I'm not worried too much about myself 'long term' and I guess I have to go through what I am going through and eventually will tire out... but I know... that if I dont commit to her (she has a bf 'companion" much older) that she will meet someone else and throw me to the curb once again and we will continue being friends as eventually her idealization of the next infatuation will fall apart... I have no doubt of any of this.

I am reasonably good looking, financially comfortable, successful and what one would think, a very eligible bachelor! I have endless opportunities to date and I do date and am trying to find someone to be serious with...

But it's also lonely being divorced with my kids growing up and I have the 'security' of knowing my ex is always there and in love with me, regardless of all of the craziness... I've shared my findings finally about BPD and while she never denies it, she won't talk about it... and she's doubled her anti depressants and I do admire she is at least doing positive things in her life.

I feel she is healthier than me! I have good relationships with just about all my ex's, my ffriends and family... I am successful and have everything in the world I ever really wanted!

I have to face the fact that I have what I want with my exBPDgf too...

Can't blame her anymore.

Life is not bad... I am happy with it and wonder if she is almost a form of crazy entertainment... That I keep myself in this state of connection, which is strong, even though I know that without her facing her part of the dynamics there is no chance... . and I almost admire her refusal to think anything but her version of things.

Not sure of the point of any of this thread... . it's just at the end of the day... . It's never been more clear this is now a choice I have made and an addiction that I think I can control in that I won't ever put myself in direct harms way again... and yet can and do get hurt... just not lethally.

[Hurt llama]

I've posted a bit about my story and it's not as special or different than many.

SHort story is that even before we met (online) I felt at times almost extreme discomfort in some interactions... WHen I finally got on the plane to fly to meet her, I had said to my sister , "I hope I don't like this woman"...

And it was love at first sight... we both felt it... . ridiculous. As the weeks went on, as is often the case, the connection, the sex, all of it were on a level I really only dreamed of. I felt complete... Little did I know that as I was professing my love, she was seeing someone else.

We're both middle aged with kids at the time and the whole thing exploded as she did things to hurt me when I ended the engagement and I hurt her with the most powerful weapons in my arsenal... It made me feel worse to hurt her.

We both moved on and I went right into another extremely dysfunctional relationship with a much younger woman and I know i did this as a way to either punish myself (it was 10x worse than my exBPD) or for the belief I didn't deserve better or maybe as I said at the time, this was my way to face the demon directly and see if I could beat it... . and while it was even more intense and disturbing than my ex... I did finally beat that and was able to cut it off and still maintain a cordial yet safe distance.

By my ex was always in the picture... . we texted during all this and now it's almost 6 years since we met and I saw her two weeks ago and the drama was repeated that she failed to mention she was seeing her bf (only because I am not committed to her)...

Rather than write on and on in detail which is so easy and easier than really admitting that I enjoy the fact I have my ex if I want her... and that I am getting gratification of being this hero in her life even now... we are still very involved long distance... . I do a little business with her but it's an excuse for me to have that connection.

I'm not worried too much about myself 'long term' and I guess I have to go through what I am going through and eventually will tire out... but I know... that if I dont commit to her (she has a bf 'companion" much older) that she will meet someone else and throw me to the curb once again and we will continue being friends as eventually her idealization of the next infatuation will fall apart... I have no doubt of any of this.

I am reasonably good looking, financially comfortable, successful and what one would think, a very eligible bachelor! I have endless opportunities to date and I do date and am trying to find someone to be serious with...

But it's also lonely being divorced with my kids growing up and I have the 'security' of knowing my ex is always there and in love with me, regardless of all of the craziness... I've shared my findings finally about BPD and while she never denies it, she won't talk about it... and she's doubled her anti depressants and I do admire she is at least doing positive things in her life.

I feel she is healthier than me! I have good relationships with just about all my ex's, my ffriends and family... I am successful and have everything in the world I ever really wanted!

I have to face the fact that I have what I want with my exBPDgf too...

Can't blame her anymore.

Life is not bad... I am happy with it and wonder if she is almost a form of crazy entertainment... That I keep myself in this state of connection, which is strong, even though I know that without her facing her part of the dynamics there is no chance... . and I almost admire her refusal to think anything but her version of things.

Not sure of the point of any of this thread... . it's just at the end of the day... . It's never been more clear this is now a choice I have made and an addiction that I think I can control in that I won't ever put myself in direct harms way again... and yet can and do get hurt... just not lethally.

[Clearmind]

Hurt, it’s certainly worth exploring this a little further. You have done some delving in your short time on the board. Good for you!

I’m not sure if you have the heard of the book He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships – wonderful book which talks about our own partner choice and the reasons why we choose the partners we do or why we hang onto partners that we maybe should let go.

More often than not we are attracted to dysfunction for a variety of reasons – each of those reasons play a role in our partner choice and each teach us something more about ourselves – if we are open to it.

Was my ex a compatible partner for me? No! Regardless whether he is BPD or not – his morals, beliefs and ethics do not match mine in the slightest. However with all the razzle and dazzle and sex – who has time to give any thought to compatibility!

It’s very possible we make our partners into something we think we want or need. When we realize they aren’t, as they realize the same with us – the relationship starts to fall apart at the seams. That seam was never tightly stitched in the first place – it was a very shaky attachment to begin with – it will be a shaky attachment to the very end.

So why did I keep my relationship going for longer than it should? I needed to be needed. I mistook his actions for love. I tried to change him into something I needed – to fill my own void. I thought he could make me happy!

I could no longer hold my ex in the wings – I needed to extract myself and feel that overwhelming sense of vulnerability to truly heal. My ex masked my inner most fears – I was delaying the inevitable – I needed to begin to fill my own void, not use him to place a temporary patch over it.

Let go of the hope and find you. We cannot find a healthy love until we can find us. Accept you are scared, fearful of the unknown – accept you are maybe choosing partners that are emotionally unavailable – we choose emotionally unavailable partners because it creates a barrier between us and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy.

[Hurt llama]

Thanks for that post Clearmind...

I just got off a video chat with my ex who is making yet another trip here (it's a 3 hour plane ride) for unrelated business.

I think i am approaching a necessary and eventual true understanding of how this relationship, while exciting and even on some levels nurturing and fulfilling is (obviously) just not possible.

I was trying to lightly address how my reactions of getting very upset were triggered to what she had done... I tried as diplomatically say it as possible... I took full responsibility for my over reacting and she would not hear a word of it. It was almost an out of body experience as I was watching on my screen flatly saying "focus on yourself", as I practically was stammering... Each time she said, "you always do this. you refuse to accept I am not going to say what you want me to say"...

I actually really do understand myself (or did) very well. I had been in therapy in my life at different points for different reasons for over 25 years! (on and off) and I would enter to deal with this or that and have a resolution or closure to whatever it was that I went for!

But this particular relationship is more damaging than my first marriage! and that was 17 years!

The 'funny' thing is that I am finally started to understand and play with the idea that it's really not mostly about me? Of course the depth of my attachement, the refusal to quit, the addiction can be traced to my NPD mother who I am very close with but is an impossible woman in a different way than my exBPDgf. And my first wife is also similar to my mother also I believe NPD not to mention bi -polar. And the three of them each can bring out an identical frustration when reach a point that I am not heard, not seen and almost invisible.

it's astounding actually that tonight... it was surreal... as I have full awareness of what's happening and I feel my bp rising as if I am banging my head against the wall...

I'm getting tired of it...

Something is shifting... as I said... . I didn't want to post here and did when I was just triggered by what she did and the way she deliberately, intentionally disappeared when returning home and reappearing and announcing "I am dating".

I tried to bring this up gently tonight... Clearly to experience her as an observer one more time and wow, it was chilling to the bone... She is as certain of whatever she might be saying, even if she changes her mind tomorrow... she abjectly refuses to take in my point... and instead of agreeing or even just politely accepting a crumb of responsibility, she says, "I don't want to talk about this before I go to sleep. you are always like this"

I immediately changed my tune... . and said... "Look, it's not about me being right or you being right... it's that as long as there is an underlying issue that is not being addressed there is no future for us. And it's also about my own issues"

Her response, "This is what you have always said to me. That's why it didn't work"

I have to laugh... it's insane... I am getting it. Even though I got it 3 years ago and pulled the plug... . I am getting it more... . she's freaking crazy... and yeah... i might have my issues but jeez... . I literally vow, I will get over her and I can and will find and relish the woman I someday hope to meet and be a healthy partner... I easily can do that. I will never accept mistreatment and recognize my part in maybe 'needing' the ultimate 'wake up' call.

[Hurt llama]

(hate to keep on almost venting but... . )

I have to add that I am naturally gregarious, friendly and popular! I go out a few times a week. I meet people all the time... I have dated some spectacular women but not found the combination of attraction and interest yet.

I do know that there was and is 'damage' caused as a child, but overall it was nothing that notable... . subtle stuff... I fell in love for the first time when i met my wife and was together over 20 years total and was at her house last weekend... we are friends and close even if impossible to be married.

The girl I dated after breaking up with my BPD gf was an almost intentional combination of my mother, ex wife and BPDgf! It's uncanny... and I literally was aware of it and did it thinking i needed to confront it head on... and boy did i... it was crazy, familar and exciting and while brutal... i tamed the tiger and finally healed from that.

My exBPDgf is almost the final frontier of a needed catharsis and acceptance that I am up against the same familiar brick wall of an complete inability of a certain self-awareness.

It's the end game... I feel it... but as in all endings... . there is always an explosion right before the final letting go... I had that two weeks ago...

and she's coming back and we have this stupid business transaction that I know I indulged in to keep it going... .

It hopefully will resolve in 2-3 weeks... . maybe... if not... it doesn't matter... she's always been honest in business and in money and if not, that's on me really.

It's worth anything to find a way to cut this cleanly and face the void that I have avoided (void and avoid... who knew? haha)