Divorce guilt+ disabled

[Anne081]

Hi,

I left my spouse two months ago due to verbal and emotional abuse (always threatening to leave, explosive anger, lack of empathy, unrealistic demands).

He then said that he wanted to do couples therapy. Of course I’d been begging to do this for past three years. At that point I agreed to do it but was clear that I would try it but I could not garuntee anything and that for me it was about getting closure.

We only did 2 sessions and in between those sessions he continued to act out and be emotionally abusive and we agreed divorce is best option. He then turned around in second session and said he definitely wanted to reconcile. I repeated that I wanted a divorce but he didn’t really hear me.

Thus,  a couple days ago I finally told my spouse that I don’t want to reconcile, even if we keep doing counseling. That I simply can’t live with all the intensity (I have multiple sclerosis and the constant stress and emotional pain impacts me physically).

I also came to terms with the fact that I don’t think he can ever really be there for me emotionally, the way that I am for him, even if some of the explosive behaviors ended.  He will not admit that he has BPD let alone work on it.

So he flipped and canceled our next therapy appointment and now doesn’t want to communicate at all. He also told me I couldn’t reach out to his family (I’m close to his mother).I know I did what was best for me, but feel guilty and heartbroken. It feels like I abandoned him and should have tried to reconcile even though I know in my heart it’s way past that. A part of me thinks maybe it could turn around if he’d admit that he has it and I should be patient. It just feels sad. Lots of grief that he is so sick and that I have to let go.

Can anyone relate or have suggestions around any of it?

[Lucky Jim]

I know I did what was best for me, but feel guilty and heartbroken. It feels like I abandoned him and should have tried to reconcile even though I know in my heart it’s way past that.

Hey Anne081, Welcome!  I suggest you let go of the guilt for doing what is right for you.  At the end of the day, you're not responsible for the well-being of another adult, though it took me a long time to wrap my head around this concept.  I also suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  You know "in your heart" that it's over, so why prolong the process?  Sometimes a few harsh words can save a lot of pain all around.

LuckyJim

[Giulietta]

Hi Anne!

Do not feel guilty. You really don't have to keep taking abuse. He has an illness and if you had stayed and taken abuse for much longer you might both be ill eventually. And that wouldn't have done any favors to either of you. We nons want to stay and be loyal and help, but sometimes people are past help, or don't want any help.

At the suggestion of a member here I was watching a few videos on Youtube, and they're actually about narcissism, but there is one thing they said that got my attention and I believe that would work for BPD as well: people who have developed this type of illness (personality disorders) have usually had a problematic childhood, and when we learn that, we sometimes feel sorry for them and try to justify their behavior towards us. And the thing is, they may have had a rough childhood, but by enduring more abuse from them you wouldn't erase their experiences. You wouldn't change their history or who they are, or how they treat you, not unless they want to seriously recover. If you feel that it's over, move on. You should not feel guilty for thinking about your own well-being. Like LuckyKim said, you are not responsible for another adult's well-being, but you are definitely responsible for your own.

[Anne081]

Hi Giulietta and Lucky Jim,

Thank you SO much for the support. Cant tell you how helpful it is to just be affirmed for taking care of myself instead of  trying to rescue my spouse.  So much better than just ruminating in my head. Will definitely be re-reading your responses to keep me in the right mental space.

Happy weekend,
Anne

[Lucky Jim]

We nons want to stay and be loyal and help, but sometimes people are past help, or don't want any help.

Nicely said, Giulietta.  I'm loyal, too, but came to see my loyalty was misplaced with a persecutor.  I also determined that it was pointless to keep trying to rescue my BPDxW, who fundamentally did not want to be saved.  To go on trying would have been an exercise in futility.  It became a Lose/Lose proposition for me.

Sorry, Anne081, to highjack your thread for a minute there, but maybe you will benefit from my venting about my Ex.

LJ

[Rex31807]

I understand your pain. I had a counselor tell me after my wife quit going that the relationship would kill me if i did not leave. The yelling was constant and the anger was one sided. I took care of everything but it was an endless black hole of one sided emotion that left no room for me.

As much as ir hurts, Anne, you wil be in a better place.

[Anne081]

THANK YOU so much for your responses. I have stayed no contact the past two weeks and low and behold my life is improving. He actually texted me this morning accusing me of cheating and that now he knows who it is.

I felt myself get so angry and agitated because I have been completely faithful throughout our entire marriage and have never cheated on anyone, ever. I almost responded when I realized that it was meant to provoke me into being in contact to defend myself. I did my meditation and reminded myself that he is a sick person and that I do not need to spend the little energy I have on him.

Ironically he is the one who has cheated on previous partners and who often threatened to cheat on me when I would not have physical intimacy with him after one of his explosions because I felt unsafe ( explosions that of course  he wouldn’t acknowledge or apologize for).

Just needed to get this off my chest. Any feedback greatly appreciated.