TheEuropean
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1
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« on: April 29, 2024, 04:37:37 PM » |
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I have been with my wife who is from Asia for 9 years. My wife has 2 boys aged 11 and 15 respectively from her previous marriage, and was divorced 11 years ago as there had been a bad atmosphere between them and the man was abusive and violent towards her. A 10/4 arrangement was made where the youngest boy has permanent residence with us.
When, a few years ago, there was an incident where the eldest boy had been beaten by his father, he moved permanently to our home, and a decision came from the court that my wife was given full custody.
The first 4-5 years of our marriage had actually gone smoothly and well with a few challenges, but after her eldest son moved in permanently with us a few years ago, challenges came with him in daily life, I could feel that the conflicts and my wife's strong outbursts of rage began, due to a wrong approach to things, and I was also affected by the situation, and felt a tension between my wife and me, and I didn't have to do much wrong before I was "devalued" and often became the person who did things wrong, and I believed it, and could also see at the time that maybe it was me who helped create the conflicts, since she "always" did the right thing. Later, over the years, I got a sense of something unusual about her frequent outbursts. I had been told a few years ago that her ex-husband and his family had told her that they were sure she had Borderline (BPD) and she was surprised by that and none of her friends and people around her at the time were there believed it.
My wife has often told about her childhood and how she otherwise had a "good" childhood, but as time goes by, a little is added and changed to the story, both for the good but also for the bad, where she has been separated from her mother, and lived with her grandmother for much of her childhood, and her mother died early of cancer, and her father has also been hard on her during her childhood, but I didn't think much of that at the time, except that of course was not nice to listen to, but she has a good relationship with her father today, but with alternating good and bad times.
After I started getting interested in Borderline (BPD) things started to make sense and more and more I read about it on forums and other places on the net and what people share that experiences then everything suddenly makes more sense , and many things can be explained.
The story being changed over time is apparently a thing that BPDs do.
My wife has always talked badly about her ex-husband, and I understood that too.
After I started to take a little interest in her past, and read some old emails and documents from before I met my wife, which should actually have been deleted on an old PC that had to be thrown away, things came out that were something surprisingly. The bad things she had said about her ex-husband also fit, but there were also several places in various documents and emails where she wrote that she still loved him, even after they had separated. She wrote that she often missed him and wanted to be in a family again, although she also wrote that he was often mean to her and said nasty things, and it was also described how they met and were intimate together, although they actually often hated each other.
As time has passed, she has no contact with her friends and she has blocked all her past people she has known on her phone.
Her stories, which she tells on a daily basis about her past, also do not always fit with what has been previously described.
I've tried probing it with some leading questions and she doesn't answer it clearly, saying she never wanted to be around him after she moved away, and they only communicated via email and very short meetings in public places like the school
I'm probably the "sweet guy" who finds myself in a lot, but I can also feel that as the years go by, I become more insecure about myself and let her control the day-to-day, and she is also a very controlling person in that daily, and sometimes I don't feel like doing anything at home.
We often have very good days when things work well and we are both still very much in love with each other and I can't be without her at all, but the times when things explode, I feel like this is hard to handle, but I try to forget it again when she is back in her normal mood.
Many of the things that describe a person with BPD fit most things for my wife.
It can be difficult on a daily basis to deal with the strong outbursts and the manipulations that she also affects me and other people, and when people see her from the outside, she also looks like someone who just has everything under control, and it's always the others who does the wrong thing, even though she actually does the wrong thing herself, just as she herself describes others do. It is hard for others to understand that such a beautiful and intelligent woman who talks to everyone can have BPD, but if they knew what actually goes on at home when things blow up, they would be very surprised. since all the people we meet on a daily basis, both in the children's school and elsewhere, see that my wife has things under control, and looks very elegant and is very eloquent when she meets people.
She often asks me about my former girlfriend/friend, how she was, and if I miss her, and comes up with cryptic questions where I get confused myself, and may not answer exactly like what she has previously heard, then she says: "That's not what you said the last time I asked you…." and I then have to think about what she meant by her question, and in the end it feels like an interrogation. She is always the one who often comes up with questions about my previous relationship, even if I don't have any thoughts about it.
If I ask about her past, she is often told good and exciting things about her former boyfriends and friends, and she definitely does this to make me jealous, so that I focus even more on her.
She is always afraid that I will leave her, and that is when the special and cryptic questions come, such as:
“Will you always protect me if something happens to me?”
"If another beautiful woman comes by, will you look at her?"
“You surely won't protect me if someone attacks me!”
"If you met your ex-girlfriend, what would you say to her?"
There are really a lot of those types of questions that seem cryptic and confusing, and I wonder why she would often ask such things, but it is precisely the hallmark of BPD that the person is afraid of abandonment.
It can be difficult when you think about what makes me unable to break this vicious circle, which often occurs, but I am probably what you describe as the "sweet guy" who would not harm anyone, but inside me is there's often a frustration that tells me I'm not doing things right, but I can't do without my wife and we have a great friendship, love affair with powerful intimate moments, with all that entails.
Everything in this story is just some of the descriptions about my BPD wife and us, many pages could be written about events in our lives
Around BPD, there are challenges in a relationship, and it takes a lot of strength to cope with the daily challenges.
My parents are not exactly her favorite people, as they have probably been a little superficial towards her, and I will also admit that they could be there for her a little more.
This somewhat tense relationship between her and them often means that they are almost always mentioned in a conflict between her and me, such as "You look exactly like your mother, who also does it..." and suddenly I've been pushed a little out of the conflict between her and me, and the conversation has switched to the conflict between her and "them", and when she's finished and things have cooled down, then everything is calm again, and she will be ok again after a while. This way of switching between this black and white way happens often.
It could also be her aunt, who also lives close to us, with whom she is often in conflict. One day she's the worst, and other days when they talk things are pretty good again.
When she has a conflict with her oldest boy, he can also be the worst in the world, and she thinks he should move back in with his father, and other days the relationship is normal.
Some examples:
When I don't meet her expectations of a husband who must always be there behind her
If I just overlook an incident where I should be helping her with something, and I'm in another room, then I can hear a door being slammed or something being knocked on, for example, then I know I've overlooked something, and I'm just told that "it doesn't matter now, you're only thinking about yourself", This phrase she often mentions that others say, but she has forgotten that she herself uses it.
She is generally very double-minded when she accuses others of something that she actually does herself, but I think she is not aware of this herself.
Often she repeats what I just told the boys to remember or something, so she always gets the last word in a conversation.
She loves to exaggerate a story about her past life and the people she has known and met.
Another thing is that when she talks about an experience we've had, for example a trip to other people, then everything is suddenly twice as big, or, where we stayed, the hotel was really fantastic, even if it was just an ok hotel , or if we have visited a place twice a year, then we have been there many times. These are some of the things that could be exaggerated.
She often creates conflicts between her and other people by being very black and white in her perception of a situation where you should just be a little diplomatic, then it solved things, but she often gets into a fight over words and actions that others say and do.
I often experience this as one of the things to blame for her mood swings.
As I said, we have an even good relationship with a lot of love between us, but the outbursts and changing moods and her twisting the truth about others and her past can be confusing and hard.
I can also feel that she actually also wants to change my history, truth and relationship with people, family and other things that have happened in my past life, so she makes me believe that it is they who are to blame for me being the way I am is, and does not always fulfill her expectations of life, and that she is right that everyone is against her, but the truth is that she is the one who pushes them away.
My wife previously went to a psychologist several times before she met me, she has since not wanted to talk to other people about challenges and thoughts from her previous life.
As I said, I'm the "sweet guy type" who doesn't like conflicts, and I always try to be a diplomat between her and other people, so that it often works out between them, without her thinking about it.
I think that if I didn't have my day job from 8 to 16, then I don't think we will survive as a couple and I will be mentally broken completely.
But then again, I love my wife very much, and care for her very much, and can't do without her either, but it's hard that you often have to be a punching bag, who has to be able to cope with the psychological effects and then know that shortly after is "normal" again.
She is a loving person who looks after and cares for me immensely, and wants me to look good.
She is the type who is also very smug and wants the things she wants, and when she has spent a lot of money on her own beauty, expensive bags, jewelry and anything else she wants, and she then says that she is the "only one" who thinks about saving money in the family, by finding offers in the supermarket (it is of course also good that she saves money there), but in relation to spending most of the money we have available after all bills are paid, then a large part often goes to her, but I also support her in most things (you don't understand that), but I'm probably afraid that she will break down if she doesn't get her needs met.
The situation with BPD and their partner is often complicated, and the person with BPD can break down their partner, so that he/she becomes a psychologically broken person who cannot do without their partner, and they both become dependent on each other.
Many, when reading this post, will probably think, why doesn't he do more about it or why does he find himself in it???
But it is probably my weakness that I have developed over the years, and that it is difficult to change it, but I try daily to mitigate the situations that may come up with my diplomatic ability which often solves the problems, but as I said, it solves absolutely not everything and days can be tough.
The european husband
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