My friends/family are concerned that she could one day stab me

[CooperD]

Hi folks

New here and just had to reply to this thread as relate to so many of the comments posted.   I really fear that my current GF is deliberately out to destroy me financially/professionally/emotionally  and that she is taking pleasure from this.  My question is what do you do in this situation - i'm scared if i just pull the plug she will explode and take the steps that will destroy me.

She exhibits almost all the signs of BPD described on here (self-harm, physically violent towards me, constant criticism, never grateful, no real friends, damaged realtionships with her family, threatened to report me for rape and nothing is ever her fault).

Just as the thread title states - all of my friends/family see this and some are concerned that in her moments of rage she could one day stab me.

I know i have to get out but why when we can see someone is out to get us and people that love us also see it is it so hard .

[heartandwhole]

Hi CooperD,



I'm sorry to hear that things are going badly with your girlfriend. It's scary and painful to feel that someone we love is out to get us. I can understand your fear about her reaction should you choose to leave, especially when your friends and family are concerned.

Breaking out of these kinds of relationships can be really hard; you are definitely not alone in asking these questions. It can be so difficult to see things clearly when we are deep in the situation. I'm glad your friends and family are looking out for you.

You've mentioned that your girlfriend has been violent in the past—can you share a bit more about what happened then?

How long have you been together?

You've come to the right place for support. Tell us a bit more about your story when you can. There are tons of tools and resources on this site to help, and members who really understand what you are going through.

We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[CooperD]

Thanks Heartandwhole,

I've already found a lot of comfort in the boards - just to read that i'm not alone in experiencing and having to deal with this kind of horrible situation is a source of great support.

We have been together several years and in all honesty I had warning signs within the first few months and deep down I knew that I should have got out.

Unfortunately I didn't and as a consequence have financially lost thousands, damaged my own health and potentially sacrificed my career.  

There are times when I'm afraid of my partner as she is so unpredictable / to the point of being dangerous.  Her physical violence has extended to her punching me several times on multiple occasions - I didn't respond or even defend myself from it.  She has also deliberately self-harmed in front of me and im pretty sure it was done to try to create anxiety and trauma in me - as she was then able to blame me for forcing her to self-harm.

I am at the point of knowing that no matter what I do for her it will never ever be enough.  However on the basis of things she has said/done I have no doubt that pulling the plug will produce a terrible vengenace from her (she has threatened me previously that she would post images of me on Imgur so that she can tell the world how horrible I am to her etc).  Again creating real anxiety in me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi CooperD,

That would create a lot of anxiety in me, too. If you are thinking of leaving the relationship, I'd recommend a safety plan:

Safety First

It's much better to have a plan in place before things get out of hand, than to try to scramble in the moment of extreme emotions. Hopefully, you'll never need to use it, but it will give you peace of mind as you navigate your feelings about leaving.

Here is some information about Domestic Violence against men. It has helpful tips about legal ramifications and good advice from members who have experienced it:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

It's never easy to leave someone we have loved and bonded with, especially when the relationship is so emotionally "loaded," and our heads and hearts are not speaking the same language. We're here to listen and walk with you through this.

What do you think is the first step for you, CooperD?

heartandwhole

[CooperD]

Thanks for the tips on setting a safety/get out plan and I agree that its a very sensible approach.

I plan to do a short / medium and long-term stategy.

This morning I have changed her name on my phone to "The BPD" - so that when she contacts me I do not feel any emotional attachment when I see her name but rather the true reality that it is someone with BPD contacting me.

I am going to (again as a short-term measure) stop initiating contact with her.  I am currently experiencing her withdrawing from me (she has been doing it for weeks) and like a fool i have played into her hands by messaging her and asking whats wrong/i'm trying my best etc.  That stops today.

I am going to start withdrawing my affection from her - she never reciprocates so why does she deserve my love and care ?

i have read that the best approach is complete no contact but i think this is something i need to build up to - just so that i can get myself mentally strong again so that I have a life in place independent of her so that when i go no contact I am not left thinking about her

[lovenature]

I too had concerns about my ex. seeking revenge and possibly hurting my dogs or doing further damage to my property, and friends property. I found after twice getting the police to warn her, it was best to just remain NC on my end; she lives across the street and was getting attention/validation from any response to her behaviour. The less I have responded to her, the less she has tried to contact me. We all have our unique relationships that do share many similarities, and only you can decide what is right for you.

It is so hard to detach because of the idealization and then the devaluation, which is so irrational; we really want to make it work, and the more we love them and the closer we get the more we are hurt and pushed away. Look at your FOO (family of origin) to try and see why you would stay in a BPD relationship and continue to accept abuse; it can be extremely painful but the way to healing and a better life.
The main reason for me was low self worth, and when I met my ex. I thought I finally found someone to share life with; someone who wanted me just for who I was, I now know it was the disorder going through its cycle and she just needed an attachment.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Cooper-

I am going to start withdrawing my affection from her - she never reciprocates so why does she deserve my love and care ?

Heartandwhole has given you a lot of good information and I recommend strongly that you read it and follow the advice.  And BTW, hitting you is domestic violence, physical abuse, and there's no reason to put up with that ever, plus if she's gone that far it could easily escalate.

And speaking of escalating, you withdrawing your affection will be interpreted as abandonment by a borderline, which will trigger her, which in turn could escalate things quickly.  You didn't ask me for advice, but if it were me, I'd make a clean break as soon as possible, with a plan and with support, all the things that are mentioned in the docs; better to yank the band-aid off quickly than pick at it, it hurts less and heals quicker.  And while you're preparing for that, you can look at what that would mean mentally and emotionally for you, and what has prevented you from doing it in the past; there's growth there for you.  Take care of you!