D-day + 2 years

[Tobiasfunke]

Sunday march 26 will be 2 years my ex declared she didn't love me anymore and I was unceremoniously discarded. That evening and following day were as painful and debilitating I could possibly imagine. The physical pain I felt was agonizing. The wounds still feel fresh at times.
  I want to tell you that I have fully processed it and I've study all the lessons and learned from them and life moved on and it's happily ever after. But I can't yet.
 Logically I understand she is probably uBPD or by now maybe she has been. I don't know. We don't speak. I do know that I'm a codependent enabler with very low self esteem that worked very hard for a very long time to keep my family going. I walked on eggshells for months on end.
I'd like to tell you that I'm 100% over the anger stage and it doesn't bother me when she can't follow the schedule for custody. But I can't, however I'm much better than a year ago.
 I'd like to tell you that I hardly think about this website anymore but I check it daily.
 I'd like to tell you I understand it was not a sustainable relationship that would have ended under even worse circumstances had we not broke up. But I cant.
I'd like to tell you I don't miss her every morning when I wake up when  she's not there or every night when I go to bed. I wish I didn't feel this way.
 I feel like I'm missing out on some truly great times with my kids wondering why she felt there was some other place she would enjoy more besides being with us.
I can anticipate the response I will get from the more senior better adjusted members on this site. You are all correct. If I thought it would work I would literally do anything to not feel this way.
I want to get to a point where I'm indifferent to her presence or existence or grateful for the relationship we had. But I regret the decisions I made and the sacrifices I made in the relationship that put me in the situation I'm in now. Where I live. Not seeing my children when I get out of work every night. Not having that loving partnership I thought I had with my ex. watching them play sports or talking about their schooling or their future.  I feel like all those things were taken from me. I had a fairly 5hity discard. But I can honestly say the 2years since have felt like a prison sentence at times and out and out torture at it's worse.
 I feel I had to get this out to people who can somewhat understand here.
I guess had she not discarded me I'd be one of the folks on here in their 50's who finally had enough And had to leave after the kids moved out. I blame myself for putting up with unacceptable behavior during our 19 year r/s and I blame myself for not bouncing back in a more acceptable time period. I know she's not pining over me. I just feel like what I loss in regards to my family life and a person in-spite of her flaws short comings illness whatever you want to call it was my best friend spouse closest confidant. Those things don't have a shelf life on them. So to one day have them taken away following a period in our marriage that  I thought was genuine happiness and peaceful time was life shattering, however all too familiar a story on these boards.
 I cannot express enough  to anyone reading this how fortunate A person I am. I am luckier than probably anyone that has ever had the joy of googling their relationship specifics and having bpdfamily.com pop up. These are just the selfish ramblings of someone who wants his life or the life he thought he had back.
 I hope next year this week goes bye and I don't notice it. But it's not going to be this year.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Tobiasfunke,

I can really understand where you are coming from. Progress can feel painfully slow and difficult. Regret and shame can hijack our self-confidence and joy in living. I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Sometimes I feel I've come far, only to experience a setback for something I thought was long resolved. Ugh. It's humbling, to say the least.

There is hope, however. In my experience, growth can also happen at unexpected moments—big leaps, even. So, what might feel hopeless at the moment can be resolved and let go of in the next. After all, change only happens now.

You are not where you want to be yet, but you are growing, and that's what it's all about. Keep sharing your feelings. We are listening. 

heartandwhole