discarded suddenly after 14 year relationship

[tallbikeguy]

Hi, I've had a really difficult 14 year relationship with my (now) ex girlfriend, and wanted to get some thoughts or feedback here.  I could write a book, but here are the latest developments:
In Dec 2022, she “charmed” me back up.  I was the best guy ever, and she had a horrible time with the bumble dating.  Not to mention that she broke up with her previous dude only a week before reaching out to me.

It’s been a heck of a journey, but to make a long story short, we live 2000 miles apart (because she moved out and back to where her kids live), and I flew out to her city 6 times, for 2 weeks each time.  She said she couldn’t fly to my city because she didn’t have time off work, and the dog.  Virtually every time we had a big fight over something stupid - usually something benign that I said.

But she wanted me to move back.  I said I couldn’t, because my 81 year old dad lives here, and he needs my help - I couldn’t just abandon him.  She said she didn’t like “not being the priority”, and right before Christmas she broke up with me three times over those fights.

Well in January we were getting along well, but she was unhappy that I was in my dad’s city so I could move him into assisted living and take him to his radiation treatments for cancer.  but I validated her feelings, and even made flight plans to go back for 2 weeks.

Feb 2 she texts me "I love you" and we chat on the phone. later, she starts accusing me of trying to do online dating (I wasn't), and I tried to soothe these concerns.

Well the next morning (Feb 3) I wake up to texts: “good morning handsome man”, and 3 audio recordings that she made secretly when we were fighting.  she wanted my assurances that those would never happen again.  I gave those assurances, but said she needed to take some responsibility too.  At that point, she started yelling at me, and hung up on me.  I haven’t communicated with her since then.  she’s been on bumble, and apparently has been to Cancun for a vacation..

Oh I almost forgot to add, my dad passed away just 3 weeks after all of that.

Thoughts?

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[Pook075]

Hey Bike Guy.  Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can relate to your pain.  My wife of 24 years left me after I did the "ultimate betrayal" of flying to say goodbye to my brother days before he passed.  Exact same scenario- the fear of abandonment spiked and all sorts of illogical behavior followed.

What I can tell you is that BPD's go through cycles due to emotional instability, and we're often on the outside looking in while it all happens.  If we could just talk about the real problems then we could work through them like regular adults, but that's rarely an option when they become unstable.  In other words, we never hear that actual truth about what's bothering them and convincing them to throw away everything.

I'm two years out from this and looking back, I can clearly see the broken patterns across our entire marriage.  And I'm currently watching my ex repeat those patterns with our daughters, with her brother, and with others in her life as she discards them for various reasons.  In other words, this wasn't a "me thing".  I did things wrong and made mistakes over the years, but that's not what broke the marriage...disordered thinking broke the marriage.

Where you're at today, it's terrible.  It's painful and confusing.  So be selfish for a bit- take time for yourself and dive back into old hobbies.  Live a little bit and see what life is like outside of broken, toxic relationships.  You'll be surprised what you find.  Also dig into the toolbar at the top of this page for guidance on how to communicate better and avoid the worst of the blowouts.

By taking steps to better your life and allow yourself to heal, you'll be better prepared for the next time she reaches out.  She needs to change but refuses to, which means that you'll have to change to meet her where she's at.  Only you can decide if it's worth it or not, but it starts with your healing.  I hope that helps!

[tallbikeguy]

Thanks for your kind post! It’s funny that you almost knew our history:
She moved with me to a new city where she did a web design bootcamp, but didn’t capitalize on that. When the pandemic started I had to help my 78 year old dad move to my city, and when I got back I found she had moved out and back to our old city, without a word to me.

Then she realized that she couldn’t make ends meet there, charmed me back and moved back. All on my dime. But on the way back she threw a fit and drove off without me.

Then, a year later we had a 5 day fight when I was picking her up from the airport, and I ended up saying she had to move out. She called the cops and I spent the night in a hotel. When I came back, she was committed to moving back, so she did.

Three months later we started having a remote relationship, and then I went back there for a long weekend. We had a great time, zero fights, and she dumped me 3 weeks later after I went back home.

Then, in Dec 2022 she charmed me back a week after breaking up with her then boyfriend. I was dumb enough to go along with it. Went out there 6times over the year, for a couple of weeks each time. Each trip was marred by a big fight over something really stupid - once because I made the coffee too strong.
Then the final(for now) discard in Feb.

As I write this, I know I really need to be done with this woman.

[Pook075]

As I write this, I know I really need to be done with this woman.

You posted on the bettering board, so the advice you'll receive here will focus on strengthening the relationship over time.  However, given that she's out of the picture for now, the path forward would be to focus on your own mental health regardless.

In other words, by healing from all this and getting a clear head, you're going to be in better shape to move on completely OR meet her needs in a different way the next time around.  Either way, you ultimately win and that's the goal here for everyone.

I do wish you luck and feel free to vent, ask questions, or anything else you need.  Getting through these types of scenarios is a process and it comes in waves, so know that we'll be here for whatever stage you're in going forward.

[tallbikeguy]

Well everyone tells me that I should be done with her - that she doesn’t care about me, she is self serving and abusive, etc etc etc. I’m sure you’ve all seen it 1000 times. And of course I still love her - it’s been 14 years, and we have a lot of really good history together, even recently.
But I’m not sure what to do, if anything. I think she wants me to come crawling back to her, like I always have done. I feel like she needs to break me completely, before we can continue on. I have a story about that from last year, but it’s pretty long.
So I’ve been in no contact for 3 months.

[tallbikeguy]

Sorry posted before I was finished..
I feel like this isn’t what she really wants for us, but I also feel like she would never reach out to me. She’s incredibly stubborn, and has cut off all communication with her parents and sisters.
But reading the content here makes me feel like I could have dealt with her better, if I had only known what I was dealing with.  Btw, she hasn’t been diagnosed as far as I know, but did go to therapy for anxiety for a while.

So what do I do? Stay in NC, and wait for her? Break NC like I have before?

[Pook075]

But reading the content here makes me feel like I could have dealt with her better, if I had only known what I was dealing with.  Btw, she hasn’t been diagnosed as far as I know, but did go to therapy for anxiety for a while.

So what do I do? Stay in NC, and wait for her? Break NC like I have before?

We have all felt that way, but you have to let that go.  You're human and none of us are perfect 100% of the time.  We mess up because that's who we are.

Also, for your other post you made at the same time, of course others say to break up with her- it's been a nightmare.  But they don't understand mental illness and they don't understand how intensely you love her, so take their advice with a grain of salt.  Also, I'm not as worried about what she thinks or wants either; this is purely about what you want. 

Do you want to break NC?  Do you want to wait it out?  What is your gut telling you to do?

Block out all those other voices and make this decision for yourself.  That's what matters right now.

I know some sites say NC is the best path forward.  If things are toxic with screaming and name-calling, then yeah...it's a solid option for a period of time since it allows both of you to cool off and reset.  If there's physical abuse, then NC is necessary to protect everyone.  But you're not dealing with that and it's not a rule or anything.

If you want to reach out, then reach out.  If you want to stay NC, then do so.  Or if you're ready to give up completely, that's fine too...as long as this is about you.  Just be prepared for a variety of responses, from ignoring you to an explosion of emotion.  There's really no telling what you'll get, so if you do reach out then try to make your attempt count and try to have a real conversation.

I hope that helps!

[tallbikeguy]

Well here is the final thing for me:
Her power tactic, especially when we were living in different cities, was to get mad at me and hang up the phone.  And then when I tried to call back she wouldn't answer, go into the silent treatment, etc.  after one time we reconciled after she did that, I explained that was very damaging to me - that I had significant abandonment trauma caused by her.  I told her that my boundary was going to be that if she hangs up on me, that I wasn't going to chase after her (eg no calling, text, etc).

As you can imagine, after that the hangup was the go-to thing whenever I said something she didn't like.  And we had a couple of mini-breakups where we didn't talk for days and then had an email or text back and forth, and then reconciled.

But this time, she got mad and hung up on me, and we had a bit of texting back and forth, and she left my last text on "read"..  no answer.  so that's where it's been for three months. 

And I'm pretty sure that this wasn't planned out in any way, she's just not able to control her impulses.  And then when she does things like that, she gets very stubborn about it.  But at the end of the day, it makes me feel like she's trying to break me - to get me to come back to her even though she did the hangup.  Part of this is due to her behavior when we lived together.  She would get angry, and then go live in the guest room.  and after a while, she would text me "do you want to come down and talk"..  basically she wants to run away, and then have me chase her.