Who do I owe my support to?

[suummerlove]

I have 2 daughters one with BPD and the other not.  They are mine by adoption and are not blood related.  Ever since the 2nd daughter came the DD has acted out.  The other daughter has not been too great either and has been involved in drugs, drink and boys.  So of course, DD uses this against her and the two have made me miserable we are living in an armed camp with me in the middle.  Now the younger daughter is pregnant (she is 18) and all has again gone to hell.  DD is in a snit because I am supporting the YD and she wants me to throw "the slut out."   Now the YD's man is not owning up to the child and there is a problem with the pregnancy and it is going to be a rough go.  DD is demanding that I make a choice but I am not prepared to do it.  I feel that I have not been fair to the YD as I have been giving all my attention to DD but of course both think that I am choosing the other.

What am I going to do I can hear DD upstairs destroying her room. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

This is such a difficult and painful situation. I have been in similar place with my BPDDD27, though without the sibling rivalry. We decided that adopting one difficult child was enough within the first year of DD's life. These are hard hard choices. What are you doing to take good care of youself, to keep from total burnout? Do you have a way to get a support team for yourself - therapy, friends, family... .   I found trying to do it all on my own was just too much.

My DD has had two kids - 1st at barely 19, second 2 years later. Different dads. We are raising our GD7 and GS5 was placed in foster care at 5 mos. and later adopted by foster parents. We just could not manage a 2nd child at our ages. DD still blames us for her loss of both her kids, though she was unable to see their needs or manage their care. How do you feel your YD will be as a mom? What level of care do you foresee for yourself with this child? What community supports are available to support YD in being a single mom?

You do not say the age of your BPDDD? Is she capable of working? Is there an alternative living arrangement available for her? You need a break. You YD needs you right now. BPDD will most likely not be able to understand her sister needs or your choices.

Not sure if this is helpful. These are such difficult choices for all concerned. Take care of yourself -- this is only way you can be there for your girls. There are a lot of tools here for better communication, boundaries. We are here for you. keep coming back.

qcr  

[jellibeans]

summerlove

You are in a very difficult spot and I can feel the pain you must be going through... . I have two daughters one with BPD and one without... . they both fight for attention and compete with one another... . it is not pleasant at times so I really can relate.

First it is not up to either one of your daughters to dictate what you will do... . try not to discuss each one with the other d. You say your dd wants you to throw out your yd? What does she plan to do if you don't throw her out? Your post makes me feel like there is some implied threat... . First you need to decide what is best for you and your family as a whole. Have you asked what your yd plans on doing? This is really her problem to solve even though I am sure you want to help. How is your yd going to support a child?

Stop trying to make everything even... . it will never happen... . try to be fair to each of your girls but don't feed into guilt regarding one feeling better threaded than the other... . that is a waste of energy.

What is the age of your dd? What is she doing with her life? Does she work? school? Can you give a bit more information?

I think the most important thing is for you to take care of yourself... . what support do you have? husband? family? Please keep posting and take care of yourself... .  

[suummerlove]

Thank you jellibeans and qcarlor, both have given me some thoughts.  My BPDDD is 20 and not she is not working because anytime she goes out she either cannot talk to the employer or work with anyone without losing her temper.  The YD is 18 and also does not work although she is going back to school so she can graduate hopefully before the baby is born and then we will see.  I am one of those people who always the positive side and keep hoping that things will work out.  I go to therapy and have my sisters - no husband we have always been a single parent family.  Thank you for your kind words.

[Thursday]

Hi summerlove,

You ask to whom you owe your support. As the posts above mine indicate, you are in a hard, complicated situation.

The first person who needs your support is you!

Without BPD as a part of her make-up, chances are your YD will come through this all like many young women who are faced with similar hard choices once they have gotten pregnant. It's a matter of maturity and no reason to think your YD won't grow up and mature as a part of the process of her mother-hood.

Continue to love and validate your older daughter, you should not be made to choose.

Find a way to give yourself some room to think, to devise a plan, to state your values. I think this might help you to explain to your older daughter that there is enough love inside of you for both (and a new baby too!) She might not be able to hear you but it could be a start to a new way of communicating that will make you feel better, stronger, more hopeful.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

Here is a link to a good workshop: Boundaries - Living our Values

   https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries .40

Here is a link to a workshop on Validation, which is what Thursday is talking about:

  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[truenorth]

Hi Summerlove,

I agree with Thursday: I believe the answer you are looking for is:  yourself.  Unfortunately both of these situations are difficult and the only way you will be able to navigate both is if you take care of you first.  I have boys so while the out comes are much different the demand for parental division of support is much the same.  My oldest BPD wanted to get his relationship with the family back on track at one point and that included repairing the relationship with his younger brother.  Unfortunately the youngest is very angry and has been traumatized by the older brother with BPD.  He has his own issues as a result and is no where ready to forgive him.  I had pressure from both sons to acknowledge and support them with where they were on that conflicting issue.  As a result My oldest BPD son  has decided to go NC on the family now as he is feels it's all or nothing with relationships and seeing as how the younger son is not ready to forgive him he feels his family is incomplete and does not want to have a relationship without his brother involved.  As much as I want my family to heal together I do respect my youngest and his feelings and understand he is no where ready to take this step. 

The trick for you will be to support your pregnant daughter and her immediate physical needs with the bombs your daughter with BPD is bound to set off.  When the blame game is in motion you can always defuse it by saying that "no one is perfect" and as a parent you Love them both equally.

I believe if try to keep it simple and about the love you have for each one (individually) and do not get sucked into the competition dance and are very clear about your personal boundaries you will be able to get through this. Remember your own limits and to take care of yourself.  Sending you my prayers for strength and perseverance.