new post from old member

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Below is my story... .     I haven't logged in to the board for a couple of years.  The reason is because I went NC with my BPD Sis, and it was so freeing... .     no more headaches, stomach problems, racing thoughts... .      Now, health issues with mom and my good brother have caused us to have to have contact.  She is trying to insert herself into our lives, and I of course, feel guilty for not wanting to have anything to do with her, which also means that my kids don't have contact with hers... .     for four years... .   Somebody... .   please tell me that I'm not a nut for wanting to keep my relationship as LC as can possibly be... .   I know it... .   I just need someone to help me through the doubts.

My mom has been telling me for several years now that myolder 42 yr old sister has a Borderline personality.  She said that my sis pulled away from her when she was a child even.  I never believed my mom until the past year.  Sis's outburst have grown more severe, and more often for the smallest or even no present reason.  All four of my siblings were together and I just couldn't take the abusive tone and accusatory nature anymore and stood up in front of everyone and said that I wasn't going to be talked to anymore like that from anyone and that I demanded she and everyone be respectful, and start actually listening to each other.  Everyone started screaming, especially her, and I decided that I was just going to leave because she was spinning it all to be that I was too sensitive and on and on that it is me with the problem.  I don't normally have any problem setting boundaries, but no one in my family has EVER set a boundary with my sister.  We have tip toed around her for a long time.  Everyone will talk about it behind her back, and with each other, but everyone is scared of her reaction, so when I said this out loud and in such a dug in manner, I think it put everyone in a state of shock. 

She has two kids and a husband.  I worry for them.  She can be very manipulating with her anger and everyone wants to stay under her radar.   My mom and I are very close.  Always have been.  My sister is jealous of that relationship.  If my mom comes over for supper or just to hang out with my two kids and husband, my sister will make comments about that.  My mom, who is retired, makes a point to travel the hour and 1/2 away to spend time with my sister because she can be so hurtful with her words and it is just easier for my mom to do this and keep the peace.

My sister has times when she is the most loving, and then BAM.  She told her husband to quit his job, then after he did, he became an "unemployed bum" that she was unhappy with in one phone conversation, then in another a day later, she was really glad he was home because the house was clean, and he watches their kids and he becomes wonderful to her again... .     When we were all together, I told her that her behavior was toxic, and she started yelling that toxic means death and that now she knows how I really feel about her, and that I said that she is death to me... .     I don't understand how she can go from behavior being toxic to her being death... .      

I went to a counselor, and after talking to her in detail about my childhood adn how everything plays out, she said it sounds like Borderline Personality to her.  And she said that BEFORE I told her that my mom thought she had BPD.  I came to this board so I can get advice adn so that I can know that I can't be the only one  that deals with this kind of behavior from someone that you love.   That's my story... .  

[debbiejoe]

Below is my story... .     I haven't logged in to the board for a couple of years.  The reason is because I went NC with my BPD Sis, and it was so freeing... .     no more headaches, stomach problems, racing thoughts... .      Now, health issues with mom and my good brother have caused us to have to have contact.  She is trying to insert herself into our lives, and I of course, feel guilty for not wanting to have anything to do with her, which also means that my kids don't have contact with hers... .     for four years... .   Somebody... .   please tell me that I'm not a nut for wanting to keep my relationship as LC as can possibly be... .   I know it... .   I just need someone to help me through the doubts.

My mom has been telling me for several years now that myolder 42 yr old sister has a Borderline personality.  She said that my sis pulled away from her when she was a child even.  I never believed my mom until the past year.  Sis's outburst have grown more severe, and more often for the smallest or even no present reason.  All four of my siblings were together and I just couldn't take the abusive tone and accusatory nature anymore and stood up in front of everyone and said that I wasn't going to be talked to anymore like that from anyone and that I demanded she and everyone be respectful, and start actually listening to each other.  Everyone started screaming, especially her, and I decided that I was just going to leave because she was spinning it all to be that I was too sensitive and on and on that it is me with the problem.  I don't normally have any problem setting boundaries, but no one in my family has EVER set a boundary with my sister.  We have tip toed around her for a long time.  Everyone will talk about it behind her back, and with each other, but everyone is scared of her reaction, so when I said this out loud and in such a dug in manner, I think it put everyone in a state of shock. 

She has two kids and a husband.  I worry for them.  She can be very manipulating with her anger and everyone wants to stay under her radar.   My mom and I are very close.  Always have been.  My sister is jealous of that relationship.  If my mom comes over for supper or just to hang out with my two kids and husband, my sister will make comments about that.  My mom, who is retired, makes a point to travel the hour and 1/2 away to spend time with my sister because she can be so hurtful with her words and it is just easier for my mom to do this and keep the peace.

My sister has times when she is the most loving, and then BAM.  She told her husband to quit his job, then after he did, he became an "unemployed bum" that she was unhappy with in one phone conversation, then in another a day later, she was really glad he was home because the house was clean, and he watches their kids and he becomes wonderful to her again... .     When we were all together, I told her that her behavior was toxic, and she started yelling that toxic means death and that now she knows how I really feel about her, and that I said that she is death to me... .     I don't understand how she can go from behavior being toxic to her being death... .      

I went to a counselor, and after talking to her in detail about my childhood adn how everything plays out, she said it sounds like Borderline Personality to her.  And she said that BEFORE I told her that my mom thought she had BPD.  I came to this board so I can get advice adn so that I can know that I can't be the only one  that deals with this kind of behavior from someone that you love.   That's my story... .  

[mamachelle]

debbiejoe,

Welcome back... .   I also took a few years hiatus and came back fairly recently.  

It's so good to know this place is here isn't it! Sorry about what is going on now... . you are not a nut to want LC... .   and you may need to re-learn some communication and coping tools. Have you seen this book? It's fairly new and highly recommended:

Essential Family Guide

Best,

mamachelle

[Eureka1]

Debbiejoe

I understand what you are going through. 


Your post:

"I just couldn't take the abusive tone and accusatory nature anymore and stood up in front of everyone and said that I wasn't going to be talked to anymore like that from anyone and that I demanded she and everyone be respectful, and start actually listening to each other.  Everyone started screaming, especially her, and I decided that I was just going to leave because she was spinning it all to be that I was too sensitive and on and on that it is me with the problem. "

That triggered flashbacks of exactly how my sister acted and still does.  That TONE, that dismissive attitude including cutting you off in mid-sentence. 

Do not feel guilty about LC.  I had to deal with my sister more in the past 10 yrs after Dad died.  Mom died in January and my sister can still create chaos. 

Listen to your brain.  I would love to have a relationship with my sister but it is not possible unless she gets DBT.

If you have increased contact, you will become her punching bag and get racing thoughts, insomnia.

Eureka

[BlueCat]

Of course you're not nuts   But I understand why you doubt yourself. The more time I spend away from my mother and sister the happier and calmer I am, but I also have days where I find myself wondering if it was that bad and maybe I'm over reacting and of course you're not supposed to walk away from family (something my step mother and step sister said in conversation at Christmas Eve - they weren't talking about me but they were talking to me about a friend of the family so yeah, I'm pretty sure it was said for my benefit   )

It's very easy to doubt yourself in a situation like this. We're going against nature and society and the norm. For our mental and emotional health, but it's still hard. But walking away from a family member is not a sudden, knee jerk decision (even if the breakthrough crisis might be). It's something that builds up over years or (quite often) decades of bad behavior.

Just this morning I was searching for something in my email (didn't find it) but did come across an email from 2011 where I talked about my sister's behavior and it's effect on me and how I was trying to distance myself. It was written a year before I walked away from her.

So you know and we know this wasn't just you having a tiff and being "too sensitive". This was you finally realizing this person was not good for you. And you took care of yourself and did what you had to do. In other words, you rock

Hang in there!

[Coral]

Oh geezzz.  You are not nuts.  What's happened to me after I truly accepted her BPD is a strange internal dialogue... .   when I have a memory- there's a tag. ... .   oh that's when my BPD sis did xyz.  It took years to develop the internal dialogue but it is like a doberman guard dog that keeps me safe.  Welcome Back.

[Clearmind]

debbiejoe, if your plan is to move from NC to LC then I would suggest you read up on some of the tools here (such as boundaries). Are you open to that?

[debbiejoe]

I am open to reading about boundaries... .  did a lot of that when I was LC and finally went NC... .  that is how this all started four 1/2 years ago... .  I set boundaries for the first time in my life... .    It threw everyone for a loop... .    BUT, I don't intend to go from NC to LC permanently.  I have to for a little while until my mom is over this medical hump, but there is no chance in hell that I would ever  go back to the way it was... .  especially after mom's breast surgery Monday.

I broke one of my cardinal rules at the hospital, and I confronted her about something she did that was really hurtful... .    My cousin from the coast was here, and my sister, knowing that my two kids had never met him, didn't tell me he was here, so she had a get together at her house, invited everyone but me and my family, and then I found out that she lied to him and made up that I had other plans and that is why I wasn't there... .     Knowing full well that she would never admit it... .  but I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, I said out loud while flipping the pages to a People magazine... .  "I'm still trying to figure out why no one let me know that Bob was in town... .  my kids would have loved to meet him... .  especially since he was only 20 miles away from my house... .  "

Funny was her response... .  "You haven't paid me the time of day for four years, so I aint calling you about nothing... .  "  I think she is really bothered by the fact that I make a deliberate choice to not go to anything she is at... .  it really bothers her that she isn't in control... .  I am soo glad that my kids haven't been around all that drama for years... .