Do BPD exes come back?

[diotima]

how do you trust?

You can't trust HIM, because he can't control himself and so what he says changes from moment to moment and erodes all the trust you might ever have tried to have in him. this does not mean that you will never be able to trust someone else. This push/pull on/off stuff makes us really crazy. Trusting a BPD is like handing the car keys to a three-year-old. I am really sorry about all the hurt, and I know how much it has hurt me to have kept on trying to trust someone who was simply incapable of being trustworthy--much as we may love and have loved certain qualities about them. It is wrenching.

Diotima

[Marathoncathy]

My ex broke up with me after two tumultuous years. During that time he lost his job and I partially $ supported him ... .as he went back to school. I did this because we were engaged and living together. He became more and more cold  emotionally abusive ... so I left him at Xmas. I still loved him... but could not take anymore of the abuse. I was with another guy over Xmas... and told him about it afterwards... I'm truthful and wanted to talk about possible reconciliation . He hit the roof, cut off all contact, changed his phone number, etc.

After that, I found our through his ex glance who was still friendly with the wife of his best friend... he is a sex addict... .and in fact had a secret sex life going on behind my back our whole relationship... as he had done with her as well. I was floored... I had no idea... .as we had been together every night and weekend. He must have been doing if during the day while I was working... and he was supposed to be at school. It wasn't normal cheating... it was Craigs list real deviant-hook up stuff... with transexuals,400lb women, suicide girls, etc. I'm sure he pushed me away to be with one or more pf these characters... full time .

As I was having no contact with me, after a period of grieving as if a family member had died... I recovered. I began to restructure my life and have fun again... including going back to swing dancing... As my ex never snared to dance with me. I stARted dating a couple guys out of my dance studio... I was functioning again and beginning to be happy. Then six months later he shows up at the monthly dance my studio puts on. I was late... per my friends... he had been at the bar drinking foe two hours... not talking to anyone. And of course... not dancing... there was no reason for him to be there other than to interface with me. I tried to be cordial to him... said let's just let bygones be bygones,,and started introducing him to my friends. He shortly went into a diatribe against me... that JE was the best thing I ever had,  I ruined his life, I made Jim sell his Hotrod (a lie... he did that on impulse ... I was against the sale... as he loved it so much)... made him sell his bike... .kitchen sinking me like you wouldn't believe... .he then danced with my GF in front of me to attempt to make me jealous... .(we laughed about that later)... .then left.  The same old irrational rages... .but I was dumbfounded... .as this time he sought memoir months and months later... to rage.

Can anyone explain  this behavior to me... it was two weeks ago and I have not heard from him since... I'm thinking Something is going wrong in his life... but how bizarre. He told me he had dropped out of school... this was two weeks ago... have not heard from him since. What gives... .btw... .no sort of apology for the betrayals... he knows I know... .went on and on ... that I cheated on him(after our break up!)... .what is my BPDx trying to tell me with all this?

[Whitefang]

Mine is back to her ex before me right now.

[leew2110]

I have been n & off with my ex for 6 years.

She has left on numerous occasions, once for 6 month then returned telling me she had been missing me the whole time etc. sometimes for a few weeks, other times a few month but she always came back eventually... We have been slit up for nearly 2 month now & she is still wont speak to me, even has started dating another man, hates me, telling lies about me to people while she looks so innocent. Yet time will tell.

Sad part is I actually want her to return and miss her even tho my brain tells me I shouldnt.

[Surrender]

I am finding myself in the strange land where finally my partner and I broke up and now I'm wondering if they resurface. After reading what everyone wrote I see clearly a pattern to their feeding behavior and need live vicariously through their supply source. I believed my partner was my soul mate and my best friend but now I'm starting to doubt all of it even though when he wasn't raging, abusive and a tyrant he was the most wonderful man alive. I've come to realize that my partner no matter how close I thought we were and how co-dependent we became together he is like an explosive diamond. In the course of 3 years he has broken off with me countless times and always phoned back.

I recall the longest time was for 3 weeks and suddenly he called me fuming and accusing me of not caring because I never bothered to call him, that I abandoned him. I had to remind him that he was the one that broke it off with me not the other way around. It didn't seem to matter because to him I was wrong for not reaching out and that meant that I never loved him.

Up until now I have always taken him back until this time that is. I started to see the brilliant sabotaging dynamite that he is and the fog is slowly lifting. He is dangerous no matter how genuine the nice personality is and the most dangerously toxic force I know. Loving me means destroying me literally in the process until I simply am no more. That isn't love and it is most certainly not a love I deserve. Abuse doesn't equal love and never will. I have to keep telling myself that and I can't help but comprehend that any contact with him at all will land me back in the center of his landmines.

Now as to whether they are truthful or not I can only speak for my guy. His thing is never lying and he makes sure that you know that he is always honest even if the truth hurts. Does that mean he is honestly telling me the truth even though I have not found any lies? Not at all. I believe that he believes and tries with all his might to be honest but like one of the other posters I too found out he is a sex addict, compulsive masturbator, porn addiction and has a history of sleeping with women he doesn't know without protection. Did he offer this piece of information to me? Absolutely not but he sure makes sure he shames me for the things I didn't tell him up front. Double standard all the way.

Will he be back? I believe that even though I believe that he wants to end this as much as I do he will get lonely enough and empty enough to not be able to resist the temptation of tapping into his old supply and self soothing.

I was his choice victim and a repeat customer. There is no doubt that he will be back but I find it fascinating and deadly all the same. I will say this however, my ex had one other soul mate - the only other woman he ever loved besides me. He has had only two relationships in his life myself and his first love 16 years ago. He saw how he was destroying her and after a year and a half found the strength to leave her for her own good. He was saving her life and he knew it. He loved her enough to do that even though back then he didn't know just how sick he was but he knew he was very ill and that something was wrong.

I know he is trying to do the same with me only it's harder this time around. He finds that he needs me more and that I became his normal base line by which he could get through life and all his torments. I know he is doing everything in his power to stay away for my own sake, to spare me and to save me. I don't question his love for me one bit and the torment thereof. I question who is more real however, the genuine lover of my soul or the abusive tyrant who has in 3 years caused me to have severe PTSD and nearly destroyed my life in many ways regardless of how much I love him or how much I tried.

I think he will try and stay away but he will buckle and he will want to come home. I am his home and his refuge as much as the genuine persona was/is mine.

Do I want to be recycled only to lose more precious time if the end result will always and inevitably be the same or do I want to give myself a chance at really being loved? I think I deserve to be really loved and not utterly twisted up in some sick version of love that amounts to and is undeniably abuse!

I love me too much too let him kill me with his love.

[harbinger70]

I'm not certain one way or another if my uBPDex will come back, but something tells me she might. She jumped into another relationship immediately after dumping me after we dated for only 7 weeks (together every single day of those 49 days). Her friends and family loved me and said I was great for her but in the end she still said she couldn't feel it. Her words were "You say I'm the woman of your dreams... but I don't know if you're the man of my dreams. I don't know if you'll EVER be the man of my dreams. And if I feel that way this early on in the relationship, then it's not gonna work."

She watched my IG stories minutes after I posted them everyday for two straight weeks until I contacted her and asked to see her. She said she didn't think it would be a good idea and said she enjoyed our time together, and wished me well. Nothing more. Then she blocked me. Not from ALL her IG pages (she has others) but from her personal one.

I get the sneaking suspicion that once this new relationship crashes and burns (as I know it inevitably will), she will consider going back to me. I doubt I would take her back, but I would be curious to talk to her now that I understand BPD more.

[judee]

BPD is just a cluster of behaviours that are present in all of us but amplified/exaggerated in someone with BPD.
I have gotten close to three people with BPD in my life: two exes (male) and one close female friend.
The cluster of exaggerated traits expresses itself differently depending on character I think..

To answer your question if they come back:
For example 3 BPD responds I experienced in three different people ( to the same issue)
Fear of abandonment/ rejection:

My female BPD friend would respond to it with retreating in her shell and keep on loving/adoring the person in question. She would compare date to him and not even feel like dating anymore. She believed in her love for him for years.
My ex would start with crying and say he is a loser and I could never love him. He also said that when he would leave someone he is the "out of sight out of heart " kind of person. He did leave me ( because he was afraid I would leave him) went back to his ex ( which he cheated with me on) the same day and never heard of him again.
My most recent BPD ex just disappears when he is abandonened. He would not return because the pain of rejection is too much. He openly expressed his heart was shattered but he will prevail. When he( we) tried it changed his whole attitude even though he wanted to rekindle. But I don't believe he is the out of sight out of heart kind of person.

So I think the character of the person also plays a big role in predicting their behaviour after a break up.. not just BPD.