Well the plot thickened and thank god it's the end for good.

[angel123]

First of all, I want to thank this community for your personal messages and the responses I got to my first post earlier this past week. This week couldn’t have been crazier. Surprisingly I feel ok right now. Maybe I’m just in shock and numb but mostly I’m glad it’s finally over after 2 ½ years of the craziest relationship in my life. After I posted earlier last week when I was angry and just let out everything I felt for years towards my ex, of course, the pull game started. He begged, pleaded to talk to me, told me he understood everything I said, that he wants to explain himself, that he knows the bad in our relationship was due to him, he loves me, bla bla bla. I’ll fast forward over a lot of details because it would turn into a novel but basically Friday night we talked for just a bit. I was on my way to a prayer service for a family member who is ill who he knows. He called, said he was sorry that he really wanted to talk to me and he felt so bad for my family member. Of course, he shed some fake tears.

He kept texting Friday night. I had to stay at my family member’s home because they can’t be alone at night. I told him I would call him when she went to bed. Of course, he lied about how he was not going out and wasn’t doing anything and wanted to stay up and talk to me no matter how late it was, how he loved me, and wanted to be there for me as I was caring for a DYING family member. So, of course when I called at 10 pm and sent a text saying I could talk, NO RESPONSE. I think ok, maybe he went to bed. Saturday morning I text that I was taking care of my family member’s house, cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, etc. Of course the entire time we couldn’t talk, he vouched to be there for me in my time of need (right!) but again on Saturday morning when I called no response. As the hours go by, I get agitated. There are obviously trust issues here and I was told he was staying home on a Friday night just waiting by the phone for my call but of course, never any response. I finally mid day send a text irritated saying “thanks for being there and of course, once again you can’t talk to me when I need you in this time of need.” Of course, no response. Later in the day I send a text and I get a massive slew of texts back, groveling about how sorry he is, how he fell asleep Friday and didn’t get out of bed until 4:30 in the afternoon, that he felt he had the flu. I mean this went on and on and on in really great detail how he can’t afford to get sick, how he feels so bad that he can’t believe this would happen on a day that he needed to be there for me, on and on and on. Who would believe this was a lie. Being the dumb a—s that I am I fell for it and called and even offered to take him to urgent care. I was on my way out with my family to a get together so he said to go out and have fun with my family and friends and promised to call his father to take him. Later I would get texts saying he went to urgent care and was diagnosed with a bacterial infection.

So this morning I stopped by his house. He told me to stop by on my way home being I stayed at my family’s house a mile away. He was sleeping. I asked if he had picked up his Rx and he said his dad would bring it by. He was acting weird. I said “you should call him to pick up your Rx so you can start the antibiotics in your system” He SNAPPED! Jumped out of bed and started to yell at me to leave his house. WHAT? This is the person begging me to talk to him for days. wth? He stormed out of bedroom and when I said what is your problem of course the answer is “YOU ARE MY PROBLEM. YOU ARE THE ONLY PROBLEM I HAVE!” I started to walk out and was going to leave and I glanced down at the bed where his phone was. I took it and I left the house. Wow, again, I’m skipping details but of course every time over the weekend when he said he was sick, asleep, begging for me to call him but when I called back wasn’t answering for some reason or the next was one massive lie. He was making outgoing calls all day Saturday when he claimed to be sick all day, when I called from my dying family members house Friday night and he said he didn’t hear phone and went to bed, it was all a lie! Only to turn around in the next breath and beg for me to talk to him and come see him.

I found text messages in and out of his phone trying to buy drugs. He has a history of drug abuse. It makes perfect sense now. I was shaking. Literally sitting on the side of the road shaking. I wasn’t even devastated anymore we’ve gone down this road so many times. I was just shaking in disbelief that someone can lie like that. How can someone lie to that level? I didn’t do anything with the phone for a few hours. I then decided to call his parents to let them know what was going on. A year ago when he had problems with prescription pills it was me that went to them for him to get help and put him in rehab. I thought it would be the same response and they would be happy to know. I struggled with even calling them but thought it was the right thing to do. The first response I get from his father is “you shouldn’t have taken his phone!” WHAT? I just told you that your son is relapsing and he is in over his head and all you care about is his phone. I told them he was at home. He said he and his wife would go over there. I got a few calls from his dad’s phone but it was my ex with his parents in the background screaming at me to take his phone, they would call the cops, asking where I was with the phone, etc. It was crazy. I stopped answering. His dad called a few times but I didn’t answer to defuse the situation.

So, I call back a few hours later and his dad is literally attacking me, yelling that phone was his company property, that they could give him a drug test and prove he’s not on drugs, on and on. I literally said “I don’t care what’s on the drug test I swear on my father’s grave and my daughter’s life the texts are in this phone showing that he’s been buying and taking drugs again”. His response “I don’t know you well enough to know if that’s enough” meaning if I swore on my dad’s grave and my daughter’s life I could be lying. I snapped. He called me a btch! If I were honest about the drugs I would have answered the phone earlier (right, when his son was screaming at me on the phone while they stood there), that they could send the cops to get the phone, etc.  I couldn’t believe this. A grown man calling a grown woman a btch for calling his son out. Last thing I said to him was “how about you worry more about your own son for a change instead of your phone.

I hung up. I blocked all of them, their cells, their home numbers, their work phones, everything. I blocked them all. I’m so sorry for this long post but it feels good to get this out. I’m so happy it’s over. Sad I had to stoop to that level to find something, some sort of proof that would back up what I felt was wrong all along. But it’s done. Funny thing is that I’m stunned but not as emotional or fragile as I was in the past. In the past, I would be flattened with emotion, grief, loss, etc. Now I’m just floored at how disgusting this person is and how disgusting this entire family is. I’m also more importantly disgusted that I didn’t see these signs and that I gave this human being another chance to be a part of my life after all the lies and crazy behavior.

[angel123]

I do feel like writing more but this is turning into a novel that I hope you all read. I'm just sitting here in disbelief that a human being could string someone along like this. It's shocking. I could never do that to another human being. I don't have the ability to string people along, to lie, to claim to be there for them and have tears in my eyes, the entire time LYING. I guess I'm naive but jeez, I guess  there are truly people in the world that are this selfish, that only care about themselves, that truly are this mentally ill. You would HAVE to be mentally ill to do this to someone.

I'm ok this time with knowing I will never get closure and I don't need it. I know the truth and the truth is that this ass got better than he deserved for 2 1/2 years and I know deep in my heart he will never change. His world will always be full of dysfucntion, of lies, of deceit, of manipulation of just pure SELFISHNESS AND LIES.

[angel123]

Oh wait! I forgot the best part, when I looked at the internet browsing history on the phone, there were searches on an escort service one night. It made me want to vomit. I thought at first it was some dating site but when I looked further I realized it was an escort service. He was looking at call girls. I do believe at this point i'm just too much in shock to feel the reality of this. It's made me numb. The jealous person that accused me of sleeping with anyone that made eye contact with me was looking at escorts online on his phone. I want to puke.

[mssomebodynice]

So sorry this happened to you.  I am glad you blocked them.  Blocked them all.  Hold your head high.  This is so awful... .  that is to read and reread story, after story of pain and distruction.  I feel so used up and spat out.  It makes me physically ill.  I wish I could vomit all of the unhealthy thoughts and feelings he has left behind in me also.  I hope you move on.  Don't let him rent space in your head one more minute.  His father is a mess also.  So sorry this is what it came to for you but you did make the first big step in blocking them.  Keep going!

[angel123]

I am definitely not unblocking any of them. The drugs don't shock me. The behavior doesn't shock me. But searching ads for escorts. I wish I would have never found that. It's going to screw my head up for awhile. I question was it him being high on amphetamines and looking or did he actually follow thru? I'll never have the answer but it makes me physically ill. Then begging me for days and crying to talk? He has no conscience. No soul. That's what I feel like. I'm so happy he's out of my life for good and I hope I never have to see his face again as long as I live. He is sick!

[bpdspell]

Hey Angel,  

BPD is a serious mental disorder. It's also a disorder that can co-exist with other mental illnesses as well. BPD males are known to have a healthy dose of NPD as well and from what you've expressed you are certainly dealing with highly narcissistic behavior.

Reading the articles on here will truly help you but I do believe that you are clinging more to his words than paying attention to his actions. The words are keeping you in disbelief but his actions are really the truth of who he is. Right now he is in the midst of devaluing you and projecting the worst of his feelings on you. Your relationship will never go back to the idealization stage because he is mentally ill. He is using drugs to numb himself; not to punish you. The mask is dropped and all that rage, shame, pain and toxic sludge that he works hard to hide from himself and others has reared its ugly head and has come to collect.

Angel. Your ex's action aren't about you or your worth. It may feel that your ex is intentionally misleading you but your ex is really spiraling in terms of allowing the disorder to express itself full on in your presence.

My question to you is now what?

I suggest you give yourself some space and distant from this abuse. Read all you can about BPD. It really isn't healthy or helpful for you or your esteem to expose yourself to these brutal confusing mixed messages. Take yourself off the roller coaster. It is the healthiest remedy to a lost cause. You cannot fix, heal or repair your ex. That is his job.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

How to stop circular arguments

BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria

Spell

[angel123]

BPDSpell, I could not agree with you more. I see through it all now. Over the past few years when this type of thing happened, I was so upset, anxious, and just flattened at the cruelness of it all. I've read now enough obout BPD and also drug abuse to where I'm not taking this personally as much as I used to. Not at all. I'm not nearly as much in the FOG. Not at all. I'm not completely ok and not completely healed or perfectly fine by any means. However, I'm feeling much stronger this time than I ever have. Not sure why. Partly because I've gone through it so many times. Partly because I realize he'll never change. Partly because I see how severly ill he is. Partly because (sadly) I think alot of my love died for him over the last year. It just slowly with every round of this craziness chipped away at my love piece by piece. Will I always have a tiny bit of love for him in my heart? Of course, I accept that. I spent 2 1/2 years with this man. There were good times when he was behaving normal. But the bad outweighed the good by far.

Yes, his actions didn't match his words too often. Maybe at the very beginning of our relationship but we all know that doesn't last too long. To be honest, I was in my car driving earlier and I thought about his childish rage when he told me to leave his house over and over because I told him he needed to take his antibiotics. I almost started to laugh. I'm not healed enough to laugh but I almost did. It's that utterly ridiculous that a grown man would behave that way. Best part is that he of course thought that like all the other times in the past, I would try and talk to him, think it was my fault, be upset he wasn't talking to me, etc. Nope, guess what pal? I walked out, blocked you and all your crazy family members and have never been so clear about a choice in my life. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it a long time ago.

I bought the book “I hate you don’t leave me” but just haven’t started reading it yet. I skimmed through it and it gave me chills how much it fits him. For now, I am only thinking about me, how good of a person I am and how I deserve better. I actually feel pretty positive. However, I feel like these feelings of disgust at this behavior and his family’s behavior will linger for some time. At some point, I will let that go too.