Saying "I love you"

[Haye]

----I can identify. Why do they do that? Is it their splitting themselves as all bad? I always feel insecure, like he is trying to push me away, like he is "all bad" . Is that so for you?

If I understand you correctly that's what he used to do. Truly splitting between different, well not personalities but perhaps aspects of one's persona? One side of him - of course the one i met first - was almost too good to be true (extremely helpful, keen listener, extremely thoughtful, not overly doting but taking care of me, my needs in a very quiet, subtle way - and boy how that was addictive!). And the other side. Phew. Intelligent perhaps even more clearly than his sweet, but so cruel and harsh and in a very very subtle way. Seeing the very same people he had been taking care of as uninteresting, stupid, people who are basically begging to be played with and then crushed. I was lucky not to be trashed as badly as many of his other girlfriends/whatevers; with me he'd usually just vanish, simply saying that he needs to go.

Now that he's more in terms with himself having BPD he does see himself in a very very negative light. Remebering and realizing how he's treated a lot of people is not making it easier (you know, breaking hearts and dreams of so many sweet girls, first winning their trust and then dropping them down soo hard). So i do understand why he wonders how come I never stopped loving him - it could have easily have happenend but i seem to have a veeeery sloow heart when it comes to changing whom I love. (i did choose not to be with him, at one point).

... . or was that even what you meant?

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[bruceli]

I love you = I need you to love me.

[shatra]

Hi

Haye wrote--

Now that he's more in terms with himself having BPD he does see himself in a very very negative light.

----Yes, I get the feeling that when the pwBPD splits himself as all bad, they wonder how we could posibly love them. They see themselves as all bad, and project their view onto us---assuming we too must see tham as all bad.

   Yet, when he says to me "I don't know why you would even love me. I am so bad" I get anxious, fearing he is trying to leave me, for my own good, since he is so "bad". Which may be my projection onto him----I fear he'll leave me, so if he says "how ccould you love me" I hear and misinterpret it as "I am so bad, how could you love me, I think you should leave me".

Shatra

[woodsposse]

She doesn't think I love her, and it's because she feels worthless herself, therefore when I say I love her, I'm invalidating her feelings of worthlessness.

This is, by far, the most insightful thing I have read about dealing with someone with a PD and how saying something as validating as your feelings for them can be seen as invalidating.

In the past (before I came to this site), my mind would probably go 100 miles per hour trying to explain the rationale side of how my words are actually a very validating form of encouragement (and sharing, of course) and in the process of doing that I have increased the "invalidation".

Hmmmm... . gives me cause to pause and ponder.

Thanks for sharing that!

[LoveLove]

Hello all,

I have read that someone with BPD feels unworthy of love. I remember when my boyfriend and I (currently not speaking as he is going through therapy and has given me the 'no contact' rule) would be very loving through texts/calls... . "I love you's" all of the time... . but then he stopped saying it.

He said he didn't know how to "go back to where we were." So they feel "stuck" and again, feel that they don't deserve to be loved. There is a very DEEP pain - thus, I personally believe we must also be more caring in how we handle how we deal with them.

[LoveLove]

I also wanted to add... . when WE on the other side feel we are being supportive/loving... . I suppose it's coming off as "worse" on their side. I'm having a hard time understanding this... . yet, with their feelings of unworthy for love - there must be another way around it... . another way of showing them that we care/love them? No?

[lemon flower]

I guess the best way of showing them our love/care is by staying with them... .

It doesn't have to be in a r/s, and it doesn't have to be by living together in the same house, but as long as you are willing to stay in their life you make a commitment and that way you show them your love... .

Ofcourse there will be moments when they will not see it as love, probably they will find other explanations, such as; you stay because YOU need sth from them, whether it is sth material or sth emotional, but eventually they will realise that if you stay with them, as awful as they think they are, it is a proof that you must love them after all.

the second aspect of staying in their life is that you maintain the constancy; as long as you're around, you're real, as long as you're real you're part of their life, and they will love you for the role you play in their life... .

Which works, btw, in both ways: as long as my friend stays in my life, being a lover or being a friend, I feel I feed my own love for him, and I admit part of my love for him is about (some of the) roles he plays in my life 

[aeron]

Immediately he starts talking to me in a very childish voice saying "No no no don't say that to me, don't do that." And then he said: "It is too much pressure."

Zinzitar - my upwBPD does not reject "I love you." HOWEVER he similarly changes voices like your bf. Approx. five years ago, he even began saying "I love you" on his own accord. But, it is always delivered as if he's reciting a line from a movie in a totally different, poetic voice sometimes with overly dramatic hand gestures. Either way, changing voices (childish or movie star) appears to be a type of distancing or shielding in order to avoid possible rejection IMHO.