Communicates only in writing; will not talk via phone.

[Wimba]

 New diagnosis for my adult child.  She writes about her situation via e-mail/social network/text to me and spouse.  She and spouse live 1500 miles from us.  She grew up with our invalidation of emotions when she would cry.  We understand that this has effected her ability to regulate her emotions now.

She rarely communicates with us as she states it triggers her negative feelings.  We have given her the "space" she requested by only writing to her about changes in our lives or emergency information.

I have ordered "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and we are reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder".

I experienced for the first time this week, her anger towards me with an irrational action of permanently blocking me from communicating with her on the social network.  I have e-mail and text available.

I am having a difficult time with not being able to actually talk with her over the phone to help me discern/validate her emotions by hearing voice inflections.  Recommendations would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Wimba &

I'm really sorry that you are suffering from a lack of in-person communication with your daughter... .I know how that can feel, and it does leave an emptiness when our child feels so far away from us and we just want to hear his/her voice and see his/her face. The books you have ordered or are reading for understanding your daughter's disorder are really very good, and should prove helpful.

Another book I would like to recommend to you is "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr. I think it would be a very good read for you; it's my BPD "Bible" (has a very good Index in the back where you can look up the issues you are dealing with, though reading it all is the best thing to do).

I mention that book, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this statement from the Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder book. It's found on page 331, and Valerie Porr calls it an

"Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

This is something you might consider including in an email to your daughter, as part of an ongoing conversation with her. Another thing that would be helpful to you in learning Empathy skills that you can put into practice in an email to her, can be read about in a Workshop we have here: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life? That Workshop has saved my relationship with my (non-BPD) son and his wife (who has, at least, BPD traits) 

One of the best communication techniques to use when dealing with our BPD loved ones is related to Validation, and is about using Support, Empathy & Truth, and is found here: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique. This is the best skill I've learned since finding this site, and I not only use it for communicating with my BPD loved ones, but with everyone in my life, actually.

And one more thing that I have found that has made a VERY big difference in how I figured out how to deal with my BPD loved ones is this: Radical Acceptance for family members... .When I was so tangled up in their feelings about me and their words to me, Radical Acceptance of their disordered thinking/feeling helped me to detach from their treatment of me and see the situation as it really is: it's more about them, and not me--it's about their disordered feelings/thinking and doesn't mean I need to feel bad about myself (which can really mess up my head, when I need to keep it up straight   ).

You're in a tough, stressful and difficult situation, Wimba, but keep reading all you can on this site, and posting your questions about the difficulties you are having with your daughter. You will find things will get better as you learn more and apply what you learn... .Can you let us know what you think of the information at those (or some of those) links? We'd really like to help 

[AVR1962]

These situations are challenging and very hurtful. I was the type that used to want to talk things thru and felt talking things thru was a solution  but sometimes it is not. Not all BPDs are the same and you know your daughter better better than any of us here. She does not seem to want any verbal connection right now. You have a thought as to why this may be? Do you think she feels she will not be heard? How are you responding to her emails? With compassion and understanding or with apologies and confessions? Again, not all BPs are the same but my daughter did well with compassion and listening but if I tried to explain anything forget it, it had to be her perception but in my thinking her perception was twisted and what would come back to me thru other people was a very twisted story placing blame on me for things she had done, things I supposedly said. If I confronted the situation she would go silent. I finally had to just learn to not get on any subject of certain family members. I listened more than anything. When she would say that see didn't know what to do I would tell her she would figure it out.

I was recently taken off my daughter's friend on social media as well. Her husband and her 2 daughters joined and after learning so much and working o hard to do things by the book and feeling like I had actually made some progress this happened. I know what it is all about. I questioned the truth on a delicate subject, it was a kind question bu she ran, saw that I was creating trouble when I was not but she can't face certain issues and so she has to place blame to take the spotlight on herself. This really bothered me when I first learned she had done this. We are now over a month into no contact. I did try to contact her but no response.

We cannot force anyone to see what they do not want, or cannot see. We can make no one love us or want us in our lives. We cannot make decisions for our adult children or others. What we can do though is realize that each and everyone of us has our own journey and we each have to find ourselves and our way thru life. What works for you might not be the answer for your daughter. We can love and respect our children and understand they have their own hurts and pains to work thru. We can have compassion for them without being a part of the equation. In a sense it is emotionally detaching from that responsibility that we once owned as parents of a younger child. It's a matter of cutting the apron strings with love and giving them a big pat on the back and letting them know they will ake it and they will find their way rather than turning our back to them because we are hurt. Does that make sense?