Little Sister Is Watching

[Mr Hollande]

Although I do not speak to my ex I have not blocked her on FB. I am not friends with her on there and I cannot see anything she posts on her wall. Nor do I wish to. My wall, however, is open to anyone who wishes to see it. Knowing there'd probably be a reaction I just posted a specific photo on my FB wall. Yes, I'm bold/foolish enough to do something like that. Her PM arrived within seconds. SECONDS! All compliments. I will not reply of course. I will leave it unread and read the back up email which will arrive later.

A little test to prove that Little Sister is certainly watching.

[lipstick]

Hi Mr. Hollande,

You said: "Although I do not speak to my ex I have not blocked her on FB. I am not friends with her on there and I cannot see anything she posts on her wall. Nor do I wish to. My wall, however, is open to anyone who wishes to see it. Knowing there'd probably be a reaction I just posted a specific photo on my FB wall. Yes, I'm bold/foolish enough to do something like that. Her PM arrived within seconds. SECONDS! All compliments. I will not reply of course. I will leave it unread and read the back up email which will arrive later.

A little test to prove that Little Sister is certainly watching."

I get this. Even though I AM blocked on FB by my ex - he continues to watch / react to posts / pics on my own FB page.  I'm guessing that what he does is activate / deactivate an alternate account that he has in order to keep tabs on me. A mutual friend of ours watches my ex's behavior and tells me that he most definitely responds to things on my page that trigger him. I'm not baiting him. It's his own problem if he looks. This has been going on now for almost two years since he discarded me! Unlike you - I get no contact - but it does show me that I still have an effect on him. Whatever that may be.   

[Mr Hollande]

I'm not baiting him. It's his own problem if he looks.

I admit that that is what I did here. I get some satisfaction from it even if it's childish.

I could block her but that would also be a form of reaction so I choose to ignore her PM's while posting only business as usual stuff. I do take pleasure in knowing that her only access to my life now is whatever bare bones I feed her from my FB. There she is watching like a child looking in a shopping window which grows more tinted by the day.

[lipstick]

Mr. Hollande,

I completely understand why you would get some satisfaction from baiting her. Believe me - once I figured out that I was being "watched", I did the same thing just to "test my theory". Did my ex react? Oh, you betcha. He put up a ridiculous post (directed at yours truly) then added like 16 new "friends" in one day and called my house using "Private Name, Private Number" (I don't answer).

It made me feel crappy for doing it, though. Yes, he caused me a TON of pain - but I was being just as crappy and covert as him by baiting. Now - I don't worry about what I post. I had to work really hard to put my life back together after he left. And I will share what that life looks like now with my friends on FB. If he's jealous, remorseful, etc... - NOT my problem!   

Do what you need to do to heal your wounds. Believe me, I understand ! 

[seeking balance]

I'm not baiting him. It's his own problem if he looks.

I admit that that is what I did here. I get some satisfaction from it even if it's childish.

Not judging you as we all have our own process.  Be mindful that as long as you get satisfaction, you are not detached.  Regarding where this falls into the grief stages - I see this as bargaining, making sure you know she still cares.  How do you see it?

Looking at the 5 stages of detachment on the right - where do you think this fits in?

[Mr Hollande]

I'm not baiting him. It's his own problem if he looks.

I admit that that is what I did here. I get some satisfaction from it even if it's childish.

Not judging you as we all have our own process.  Be mindful that as long as you get satisfaction, you are not detached.  Regarding where this falls into the grief stages - I see this as bargaining, making sure you know she still cares.  How do you see it?

Looking at the 5 stages of detachment on the right - where do you think this fits in?

The answer to your first question is that I see it the way you see it. The second one is more complicated. A bit of this and a bit of that with plenty of here and there and some not at all.

[lipstick]

Hi Seeking Balance,

If Mr. Hollande is still in the early stages of being discarded - I can most definitely understand why he would get satisfaction from baiting his ex. My thoughts upon seeing mine react were "Good! Serves you right, monster!"  I can't say it was all that satisfying - but at least I knew I hadn't been forgotten. KWIM?

Now all it does is make me kind of sad. I would love to have a decent conversation with him, but I know that won't happen. His fear of rejection is so strong that it took him over a year after the discard to (sort of) contact me via a FB "Friend Request".  I don't want him back in my life - but it saddens me that he kind of hangs around the fringes of it like a ghost.

Mr Hollande - I'm sure that with time, you won't feel the need to "bait" her anymore. We all have to find ways of coping with our hurt. I do truly get it.

[seeking balance]

The second one is more complicated. A bit of this and a bit of that with plenty of here and there and some not at all.

Bargaining of grief really does fall into stages 1,2,3 - yes.

[seeking balance]

Now all it does is make me kind of sad.

You know, I have kinda come to realize that all the phases and stages are really about avoiding or softly landing into the sadness and pain.

Ultimately, we let go by leaning into the pain and feeling it - this is hard and scary stuff.

[lipstick]

SeekingBalance,

Yep - letting go is very difficult.  Wonder if that means I have control issues? 

I'm sad that his life is this way. It also saddens me that he "watches me from afar" and is too whatever (angry, fearful, etc.) to reach out. But I am my priority these days. 

[Waifed]

Now all it does is make me kind of sad.

You know, I have kinda come to realize that all the phases and stages are really about avoiding or softly landing into the sadness and pain.

Ultimately, we let go by leaning into the pain and feeling it - this is hard and scary stuff.

Time is also a big healer if you are doing the work on yourself (for us codependents).  I never had an aha moment that led me to detachment.  It has been a grinding slow process but 11 months later clarity, distance and education has made the detachment process much easier. 

I did not do the Facebook hidden messages thing even though I was tempted at times.  I did look into her though her friends facebook a couple of times and got torched.  Lesson learned at the time.  No need to block them either (I am blocked by her still I suppose) because they can use a fake account.  Do I wonder after 11 months if she ever wonders what I am doing or even tries to find out?  Sure, when I am triggered about something, but I quickly realize that it doesn't really matter if she is because I would never subject myself to that kind of situation with anyone ever again.  Before long I think I will be indifferent for the most part.  At least that is my hope.  So much wasted energy over a bad relationship... .glad I am nearing the end of it.

[lipstick]

Waifed,

Great post! Yep - time is a great healer. I kept wondering why I wasn't able to "move on" and detach in a decent amount of time. Like within 6 months of the discard. It's taken WAY longer than that.

Mr. Hollande's reaction is, IMHO, totally normal and expected. We look for some shred of evidence that we meant something to our BPDexes.  That we weren't just thrown on the garbage heap.  My ex has proven that he thinks about me quite a lot. Weekly, actually!  

However, as the months pass and my life continues to improve - I find I just really don't care. Other than lingering sadness over what his life must be like. But all of us have to find our own coping mechanisms for dealing with the body blows our exes deliver to us in the form of a discard. Whatever mechanism that may be!  

[Waifed]

Waifed,

Great post! Yep - time is a great healer. I kept wondering why I wasn't able to "move on" and detach in a decent amount of time. Like within 6 months of the discard. It's taken WAY longer than that.

Mr. Hollande's reaction is, IMHO, totally normal and expected. We look for some shred of evidence that we meant something to our BPDexes.  That we weren't just thrown on the garbage heap.  My ex has proven that he thinks about me quite a lot. Weekly, actually!  

However, as the months pass and my life continues to improve - I find I just really don't care. Other than lingering sadness over what his life must be like. But all of us have to find our own coping mechanisms for dealing with the body blows our exes deliver to us in the form of a discard. Whatever mechanism that may be!  

So true.  Everyone is different but the important thing is to try to stay in the now and think positively.  I also totally agree that Mr. Hollande is not feeling anything differently than 99% of us on here have gone through or are just now experiencing. It is a very dynamic process with so many highs and lows.  

I don't come to the boards very often anymore but I would like to say to all of you that are just now beginning the process that it does get so much better.  I will never forget the pain and confusion.  I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I would think about her or hear something about her, even her name.  I spent countless night trying to figure out how to fix the situation and bring my soul mate back into my life.  I also remember trying to convince myself that she wasn't all of the things that my mind said she was.  Friends, I am happier now than I have been in years and I have no desire to reach out to her or even associate with her.  It is not my job to fix her.  She wasn't my soul mate and it is oh so clear today.  I control my own destiny and its not my responsibility to control anyone else.  I look forward to waking up each morning.  I have started dating a wonderful woman (sex is awesome and she isn't even BPD  ).  The ex rarely comes to my mind and when it does there is no pain.  Life goes on.  

I guess my point is that it is OK to feel and do things like Facebook messages.  It is all part of the process.  The most important thing though is to work on yourself along the way.  Most of us have codependency issues and these can so easily be fixed if you are dedicated to doing it.  Awareness is half the battle.  It is a day by day thing and before you know it you are healed and have become a healthier, happy person.  Hang in there and smile

[Mr Hollande]

One major thing that gets me out of bed with great exaltation in the morning is my house. I have lived here 15 years and slowly turned it into the optimal me place over time. It's a work in progress.

I have welcomed several creative and interesting people here and considering how many of them keep returning it seems I've managed to turn it into what I always wanted it to be. A joyful place of relaxation where creative people can socialise and exchange ideas. Although I am very hospitable abuse of my hospitality is not tolerated. Luckily only a small number of guests have not been welcome back.

I am not an open book. I am a fiercely private person and those who don't have access to my private sphere know it. People like for example my ex. I once opened my world to her. No one had access to my hidden world like she had but after abusing it several times too many that access has been taken away from her.

Childish probably, not moving on most likely, but I want her to know. I want her to realise, understand and regret that the privilege she once had is gone forever. Maybe she does which is why she keeps up her feeble attempts of contact. She gets controlled glimpses into my world that say hardly anything and she is there watching. Transfixed by yet another good thing she has blown. I guess I'm trying to discard her. If she can do it to me then I can do it to her.

Meanwhile I keep tweaking the house. Some old item gets thrown out, a new piece of furniture here, a room rearranged there. Refurbishments planned and carried out. New people arrive, friendships are forged and so forth. All while she is out in the cold. I have this and she has her broken life. Maybe it doesn't hurt her but I hope it does.

So yes, the knowledge that I have this project right in my hands does fill me with a deep sense of happiness. I have this to look forward to for the foreseeable future and that is a great thing.