I don't feel safe in my home, for my family, for my young adult BPDr

[HealUs]

This is new, and not new. I grew up with a sister with BPD who was awful to my mother until the day she died.  My daughter in her early twenties is displaying the same behavior, decided to report that I am abusing two of her siblings, lives on our property, needs help, won't speak to me, is trying to tear our family apart, is splitting with my husband, me, her siblings.  I'm having severe anxiety over this that is affecting my health.  I'm not feeling a lot of hope, and don't know what steps to take.  I don't want to leave my home until we have security systems in place-new locks, cameras. I feel trapped. I can't trust her, fear escalating her as she has a history of suicidal tendencies. I don't know if we invite her to come to family events when she is attack mode (at me).  I don't know if I should make her move out since she's not stable (she has her own separate quarters). I'm alternately enraged, not feeling affection for her, scared for her and me, exhausted. Help.  Where to start? She doesn't have the official diagnosis, and may not seek it.  The lies, slander, and abuse are more than I feel I can tolerate, but the torture of not knowing if she is alive and physically ok day to day, if she goes away is also torment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi HealUs and welcome.  That's a lot to process since there's quite a bit going on at once.  Let's try to break this down piece by piece.  I'm so sorry you're going through this!

This is new, and not new. I grew up with a sister with BPD who was awful to my mother until the day she died.  My daughter in her early twenties is displaying the same behavior, decided to report that I am abusing two of her siblings, lives on our property, needs help, won't speak to me, is trying to tear our family apart, is splitting with my husband, me, her siblings.

I also have a BPD daughter in her 20's, so I've been exactly where you are and know the range of emotions you're feeling.  But before we get to that, what happened with the report of you abusing your other two children?

I ask because if the police or DSS found that this was a false report, you have started a paper trail to say that something is clearly off with your daughter.  That's important.
 

I'm having severe anxiety over this that is affecting my health.  I'm not feeling a lot of hope, and don't know what steps to take.

For a moment, forget about EVERYTHING ELSE but you.  Right now, you're not okay.  You're a mother and a wife, but you still ALWAYS come 1st....always.  Have you considered therapy for yourself?  Or have a friend away from the situation that you can talk this out with?  Your focus right now needs to be getting into a better headspace so you can deal with your kid in the best possible way.

Again, I get the anxiety since I feared for my safety at times around my daughter.  It was all-enveloping at times and looking back, I'm not sure how I got through it.  But I did and you will too.

I don't know your financial situation or anything else about your life, but is there any chance you can grab the family and get away for a few days?  Or even the weekend?  If not, try to get out of the house while the kids are at school and spend some time focusing on you.  Even if it's walking through a park or wandering through the mall, anything to get your mind off this situation.

I don't want to leave my home until we have security systems in place-new locks, cameras. I feel trapped. I can't trust her, fear escalating her as she has a history of suicidal tendencies. I don't know if we invite her to come to family events when she is attack mode (at me).

To put this bluntly, leave your home.  If something happens to the house, you dial 9-1-1 and get the police involved.  That's why I asked about the paper trail earlier, it matters because you're going to take your house back.  You CAN NOT accept bad behavior because it only enables your child to be even more vindictive.

If your daughter screams at you or threatens you, then you dial 9-1-1 and say your kid is a threat to herself or others.  She will be picked up by ambulance, escorted by the police, and placed on a psychiatrics' hold until she can be evaluated.  This usually results in a one-week stay since that's the max most insurances pay for. 

However, if she returns home after the week timeout and starts to yell, you dial 9-1-1 all over again.  You're going to make a crystal clear boundary that treating you and your family that way is no longer acceptable, and that any threat (even against herself) results in a ride to the hospital.

I don't know if I should make her move out since she's not stable (she has her own separate quarters). I'm alternately enraged, not feeling affection for her, scared for her and me, exhausted.

Once you do what we just talked about, your daughter will probably leave voluntarily.  She may say something like, "If I end up dead then it's your fault..." and this is where you dial 9-1-1 yet another time.  She is manipulating you, abusing you, and you have to learn to fight back in a way that matters for her mental health. 

Pick 5 rules- you have to treat others with respect, contribute your fair share, clean up after yourself, and a few more.  Those are the rules of the house.  If you can accept those rules, then you're welcome here forever.  If you can't, then you're not welcome here anymore and you can make your own rules how to live your life.  She will leave...and she will see what the real world does with people who refuse to follow rules.

Now, this sounds terrifying...I know because I've been there.  My kid was homeless for a few months and bounced between halfway houses.  But she had to learn that abusing our family was not okay and the only way that happens is on her own terms.  Maybe she's BPD, maybe not, but she either way she needs to find her rock bottom and decide that it's time to get help.

Help.  Where to start? She doesn't have the official diagnosis, and may not seek it.  The lies, slander, and abuse are more than I feel I can tolerate, but the torture of not knowing if she is alive and physically ok day to day, if she goes away is also torment.

I've shared where to start- and that's stopping the abuse now.  Stop walking on eggshells and accepting bad behavior.  This is not your choice, it's your daughter's...and you owe it to your family to protect them from her.  Meanwhile, you need time to heal as well and you shouldn't wait until this escalates even further.

Once things completely blow up and she's out of the house, you can use the sticky tabs at the top of this page to start learning how to better communicate with your daughter.  But right now, in this moment, you have to break the cycle of abuse. 

I won't lie, it will get worse before it starts to get better.  But it can get better over time once your daughter learns that there are boundaries with the rest of her family.  I wish you luck since this is impossibly hard.  You will get through this though!

[Sancho]

Hi HealUs
Glad you have come here. Being a BPD parent is a lonely road - and coming here can help you feel you are not alone.

I have some questions - just to get a clearer picture:

Does your dd live in a separate dwelling and does she live alone?
Do you interact with her on a regular basis - or is she independent?
You appear to be her target of blame. Does she threaten you at all?
Are you concerned she may be aggressive to you or other family members or is your concern more in relation to her harming herself?

You are in an incredibly difficult place at the moment - and there is no easy or quick answer. I understand your dilemma completely. My dd says terrible things about me to others - and yes I do avoid family times when dd is off the show. I even know what days of the week are more likely to be explosive than others.

There is one thing - I think also mentioned in the response above. The fact that dd has reported you may well be the opportunity to get someone else involved in the situation. You are at the end of your tether at the moment but if possible it would be very helpful if you are in a good space if/when you are contacted in relation to this report.

You will need to be calm in getting straight to the point ie that

your dd appears to have BPD but you are struggling to know how to get her any help
you are the target of abuse for your dd - which is common for this illness. Give some very concrete examples of the things she says, does - things that are clearly wrong. Concrete examples are really important
you are concerned dd in relation to suicide
you are concerned in relation to the effect on other members of the family

Given how exhausted and anxious you are at the moment, this is a difficult thing to do. But if you can, seize the initiative here, be the person in control of explaining the real situation and make sure they know how desperate you are to get help into the situation.

Sorry if I am sounding harsh but you are in a corner and this report might just be a tiny opening that can let someone else into the situation.

Can you let us know what happens in regard to the report? How did you find out about it? If there has been no action taken, is it possible that you can initiate a response yourself?

Thinking of you  and your family . . .

[HealUs]

Hi, thank you for responding and the support and suggestions-it helps; the abuse report didn't happen yet, but she is trying to get other "mandatory reporters" to do her dirty work (therapists, medical professionals).

I'm struggling with our family therapist who allows her to accuse, slander, insult, gaslight and lie about me, and I understand it is not productive to defend myself.  After eight sessions of family therapy, I'm wondering if this is productive, and doubting the abilities of the therapist. Is this normal for family therapy?

After the last session,  she told her dad that she felt suicidal.  I think it's time to pull the danger to self and others card, but my husband doesn't agree; he thinks she's handling it. She had an almost successful suicide attempt five years ago.

I read "Walking on Eggshells for Parents" and have developed a list of conditions/boundaries for my daughter to continue living in her space on our property until she finds another place to live.  However, the therapist is not willing to help facilitate this discussion.  I guess we need to wing it and present this without professional assistance? Part of the problem is that we need to rent the space to make it financially (our income is low), and she stopped paying her rent for the last two months.

I'm doing more self-care, but get very discombobulated emotionally and mentally, and am not able to function well for a few days every time I encounter her.

I may need to decline to participate in family therapy at this time, and allow my husband, who is on her good side to carry the ball.  Therapy is feeling like an opportunity for her to abuse me.

The other wrinkle is that she is manic, delusional, and probably has bipolar disorder.  She's been begging for money in public.

I appreciate the validation of what I know I must do.  Still feeling like a hostage though.

BTW we did get new locks, which gives me some peace of mind.

Any more thoughts?

[HealUs]

...also was asked by Sancho:

Does your dd live in a separate dwelling and does she live alone?--yes, but next to my house

Do you interact with her on a regular basis - or is she independent?--occasionally interact; she is connecting with my husband daily to ask favors, and is on a family text chat where she posts sometimes innapropriate, sometimes manic stuff-I had my youngest kid block her, because it's disturbing-the other sibs are adults

You appear to be her target of blame. Does she threaten you at all?
Are you concerned she may be aggressive to you or other family members or is your concern more in relation to her harming herself?

Concerned about both-she was physically aggressive as a teen/kid and had a suicide attempt during a rage

She is pretty clever about insisting that she is not a danger to herself, and careful not to make physical threats now, because she knows it will result in involuntary commitment. 

The threats are about CPS-I'm resigned to having to talk with investigators, and if it happens, it will be unfounded. It's still disconcerting and would be very disruptive.  Her lies sound convincing to other people.  I am scared of escalating her because I believe it feasibly could get physically violent

I do want the abuse to stop

[kells76]

Hi HealUs,

How has the last week been for you and your family?

Did you end up going back to family therapy, or decide to take a break from it?

Any movement with presenting the "new house rules" to your daughter?

Thinking of you during the holidays,

kells76

[SaltyDawg]

Hi, thank you for responding and the support and suggestions-it helps; the abuse report didn't happen yet, but she is trying to get other "mandatory reporters" to do her dirty work (therapists, medical professionals).

Most mandated reporters, and this includes therapists, will do due diligence before making a report as they don't want to be reported themselves for making a false report.  I will talk more about this in the next paragraph...

I'm struggling with our family therapist who allows her to accuse, slander, insult, gaslight and lie about me, and I understand it is not productive to defend myself.  After eight sessions of family therapy, I'm wondering if this is productive, and doubting the abilities of the therapist. Is this normal for family therapy?

Your family therapist (T) is listening to both sides of the story, not just yours or your daughter's.  She wants your daughter to be felt heard, even though she is telling the therapist all those bad things you just said and it will feel like the T is siding with her, not you.  Therapists are human too, and most, I'd say around 85% have their own emotional issues to contend with, so it is easy for the therapist to side with the one making the most amount of complaints.  The T also assumes that you are more normal, and doesn't need to be coddled like your daughter does so you will naturally have more sh!t coming your way.

My wife accused me of doing child abuse (in front of other mandated reporters school staff and teachers).  I could see my wife's perspective of hurting our child even though I was disciplining our 1st grader, in an age appropriate way, at the time who was throwing a hangry tantrum, and removed him from the school function forcefully by holding his hand and walking out (and my son was resisting and making a scene) which hurt my son's feelings. 

Fortunately our T was a former CPS LCSW, and I knew I was in the right, I let my wife say her piece in front of the T, and then I cooly and calmly explained to the T that this was in front of mandated reporters, and I was disciplining our child in an age appropriate way.  The T agreed, and indicated to my wife that she did not see any abuse.  Since my wife did not believe me, I used someone in whom she trusted, the T, to do the 'fact checking tool' to my wife.

The point I am trying to make, is that you need to stand up for yourself in a calm and cool way.  If you are being gaslit, focus on the facts, and explain that your daughters version of the facts are based on her feelings and the facts are twisted to match her feelings which comes off as gaslighting to you.  Then say something like "Daughter, I am very much interested in hearing the facts that support your feelings, I want to understand why you feel this way".  This way your daughter feels heard, you put the ball in her court to explain the facts behind her feelings, and this is where the therapist can work with - you need to give the therapist material she can work with, otherwise it will be a blamefest against you.

If you do this, the T most likely sees through this; however, the T also doesn't want to alienate your daughter by outright telling her that she is wrong.  (Do you like being told you are wrong, even though you might think you are right?)

I was complacent for the first three years of the latest rounds of couple's therapy, and it worked against me.  You must push back on each false narrative, in a gentle, kind, and empathetic way by validating your daughter's feelings, but not validating her false narrative by politely asking your daughter to support her feelings by explaining the facts that support her feelings.  If they are contradictory to what you know is true, explain in a non-judgemental way using SET communication using "I" statements.

Example, she accuses you of doing nothing for her.  Reply with "I feel as though I do quite a lot for you by example 1, example 2, example 3, etc. etc.  I feel that I do a lot for you by doing all of these examples, I feel as though I am doing a bit more than 'nothing'."  This way you are not telling her directly that she is full of sh!t, but rather you are citing specific examples that specifically contradict what she just said, the T will see this, and should act accordingly to encourage your daughter to see the facts instead of the ones that she has twisted into her false narrative.  I have to do this each session with our current couple's therapist which we have seen since October 2022 for almost every week.  It is slow going, there will be setbacks; however, generally speaking progress is being made.

When confronted with something that is not true, state that it is not true.  While this will slow down progress, it is important for the pwBPD to use some version of the DBT 'fact checking tool' in order to discern what is real, and what is a distorted version of reality where the distortion needs to be modified or removed to reveal what is true.

After the last session,  she told her dad that she felt suicidal.  I think it's time to pull the danger to self and others card, but my husband doesn't agree; he thinks she's handling it. She had an almost successful suicide attempt five years ago.

In the next session, encourage your daughter to talk about her suicidal feelings with the T.  The T will do a 4-level assessment.

1.  Thinking about it
2.  Has a plan
3.  Has the means (has access to the pills, gun, knife, etc.)
4.  When she is going to do it. 

All four must be present before it gets escalated, and #4 must be within 48 hours, or in the next day or two.  Do talk about the attempt from 5 years ago, and any other attempts or plans she has had.

If your daughter becomes suicidal before the next session, ask her to talk to 988, and if she refuses, and you see the 'means' come out, you dial 911 - it can become tragic in seconds.  If necessary, wrestle the instrument(s) of death out of her hands while authorities are responding with minimum force required to neutralize the situation.  I fortunately live 2000 feet away from the fire/emergency station and can have a responder here in about 3 minutes, most aren't.

Please be aware, if she is admitted to hospital, she will be in a population of some very disturbed people, and can actually learn more harmful behaviors from other patients if this is her first visit in 'grippy sock jail/vacation' - do this only if it is absolutely necessary to save your daughter's life.

I feel for you, and others have addressed your other concerns, so I won't, I am addressing the ones that were not specifically mentioned.

I know this is emotionally exhausting, make sure you do plenty of self-care as this is a marathon to take care of a pwBPD.

She is pretty clever about insisting that she is not a danger to herself, and careful not to make physical threats now, because she knows it will result in involuntary commitment. 

The threats are about CPS-I'm resigned to having to talk with investigators, and if it happens, it will be unfounded. It's still disconcerting and would be very disruptive.  Her lies sound convincing to other people.  I am scared of escalating her because I believe it feasibly could get physically violent

It sounds like your daughter has adjusted her behavior with the boundary of confinement with the consequence of her suicidal ideation. 

Likewise, if you want the abuse to stop, you need to set a boundary on your daughter for her continued living on your property.  Consider making her homeless if she is non-compliant, or if her behavior warrants a call to 911.  Whatever boundary you set, you must be willing to follow through on it, choose wisely as it will be super tough not only on you, but your daughter and husband too.  Make sure your dear H is in agreement with you, perhaps, let him come up with the boundary, since you mention that he is closer to her that you are.

I am going to recommend a book to help you out with the boundaries and other tools to manage your daughter:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

The reason why her lies sound so believable, is because she actually believes them to be true, so she can convincingly express them, see what I said earlier on this topic.  You will have to use a similar method when interviewed by CPS.  Once they have found it to be unfounded, ask them for tips and suggestions to prevent them from being called again to prevent wasting public resources - they may give you a few good pointers, as they see this on a regular and consistent basis.

Take care.

SD

[Pook075]

I'm doing more self-care, but get very discombobulated emotionally and mentally, and am not able to function well for a few days every time I encounter her.

I went through that for years and what I realized was, I'd get so stressed about the upcoming interaction that I'd be an absolute nervous wreck.  Then if the slightest thing happened, I was upset for days and obsessed over it.

Today, I don't worry about those upcoming interactions at all.  I'll do my best in the moment, and afterwards I'll help if I can.  But the vast majority of the time, I give myself 10-15 minutes to ponder everything and then I do whatever I can to let it go completely.

Why?  My BPD wife or my BPD daughter, their drama is not my drama unless I choose to embrace it.  I can just as easily choose not to as well and it is so much easier to realize that it's their life and I'm not in control.  If they make bad decisions, then they can deal with them on their own...it has nothing to do with me.

I hope that helps!

[livednlearned]

I am scared of escalating her because I believe it feasibly could get physically violent

It's understandable that you feel this way given past behaviors.

Responding to false allegations is unfortunately not unheard of for members who end up on the Family Law board. In some states, people dealing with false reports hire lawyers to be present during questioning. The bureaucracy alone can be stupefying. CPS staff turnover can be high so you may have inexperienced people checking wrong boxes. There can also be a surprising amount of incompetence. And if they don't handle things properly, it's never good to be on the defensive in systems designed to protect children.

How do you feel about consulting with a family law attorney as a protective measure? They may share some insights that help you learn how things work where you live, including whether your daughter could be charged for making a false report.

It's important when high-conflict pwBPD begin to engage in legal abuse that we get ahead of it so it doesn't become a pattern.

Do you have a sense what the family T will say when/if interviewed?