Silent Treatment, Punishment and withdrawal

[Stic68]

Hi all,

Well Christmas/New Year was beyond tough, but we managed to get through, barely. He's still sleeping in the spare room and avoiding contact and communication with me. It's been a month now. I've explained (calmly) that I can't handle the separation and the pretense of living as a married couple when he keeps choosing to go to 'his' room. Any advice welcomed. I've said sorry for the thing he's punishing me for, but he seems unable to move on together, but also doesn't want to move out. How much longer do you think it will be before he actually comes back to sharing life (and a room/bed) with me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I know it stinks.

Unfortunately, there's no telling how long it will be. He's on his own timetable. In the meantime, all you can do is keep the door open. Don't beg or plead, but try to stay normal and confident and pleasant. Go about life as usual. Eventually, if he follows the pattern others have seen, he'll thaw and come back around.

What is he "punishing" you for?

[Stic68]

 What is he "punishing" you for?
Posted on: January 06, 2020, 01:56:25 AMPosted by: Stic68 Hes  punishing me for seeking medical help when his aggression towards me made me feel unsafe. But it's taken a month for that information to come to light. I'm struggling because one of my limits fur the marriage to continue was for him to move back into the marital bedroom and to treat me kindly. Despite calm requests he hasnt and show no sign of doing so. Yet when I angrily threw his stuff out of the bedroom he acted as if I'd caused him mortal harm. Navigating this situation is exhausting.

[Ozzie101]

Yes, it can be exhausting. I'm sorry.

What was he doing that made you feel unsafe?

[Stic68]

  Yes, it can be exhausting. I'm sorry.

What was he doing that made

He physically stood over me barred my exit and was intimidating. I left and a day or two later when I had gotten over the shock  I asked his doc for help. Unfortunately the doc reported his behaviour to the authorities and he was given a warning but no one thought to tell me. Since then he has (somewhat understandably) withdrawn from me. Poisoned my kids against me and attempted to get friends to think I'm crazy and hysterical.

[Ozzie101]

That sort of behavior is scary and intimidating. I know. I've been on the receiving end of it myself. You weren't wrong to ask for help. It would have been nice if you had been given a heads-up, yes.

The behavior now -- alienating your children from you, badmouthing you to friends and family -- is not uncommon in an abuser.

Just curious, have you ever reached out to a domestic violence resource center or a therapist who specializes in that? They're very discreet (you won't have a repeat of what happened with the doctor) and can be extremely helpful in giving you coping skills and practical ways of dealing with the situation, as well as emotional support. I started seeing a DV counselor and found it immensely helpful. Is that something you'd feel comfortable doing?

[Stic68]

Ozzie, thanks so much for validating my experience. The guilt associated with reporting my concerns has been eating at me. Of course, my kids are currently no longer speaking to me as they see me as the aggressor. I can never out-victim him.  He has a Psychiatric review at the end of the month and I guess I'm just trying to hang on until then. I have asked for help for myself as my mental health is very fragile, currently, but no one is back from holidays until 20th Jan. As an aside I am staggered at how badly the GP handled it, if my hubs had been threatening with a weapon etc, I might no longer be here. Thank God, he isn't a violent man, and shows no sign of escalating to that level. I think the biggest hurt with intimate partner violence is this feeling of shame - what could I have done that could make him flip so badly? I was actually trying desperately to help him and us after a long year of abusive behaviour and the medical folk just brushing him off saying he was well controlled. Erm, no. I have considered the domestic violence counsellor but think I will wait until I can get the referral from the doc. In the meantime I have my faith, my church community and my friends. I am thinking of reaching out to a BPD support group, even though he has not officially been dxed as BPD. Good idea?

[Ozzie101]

I really do understand where you're coming from. I, too, felt all kinds of shame and guilt. But people here really understood and supported me -- as did my DV counselor. DV counselors can be extremely helpful because usually they've seen it all. All too often, doctors and even some therapists have a poor understanding of emotional and verbal abuse.

If you have a support group nearby, by all means, reach out. That can be another great source of support. I doubt you would need an official diagnosis for that. Just don't let him know. We don't recommend telling a loved one you suspect BPD -- that doesn't tend to go well.

We have some resources here in the meantime.I know you said he's not a violent man but just be aware that sometimes things can escalate without warning. Have you ever developed a safety plan? We have a document on that here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf . It was recommended to me, just in case, and has some valuable info. So, I hope you'll take a look.

I just want to make sure you're safe!

[Stic68]

Thank you so much! Cannot tell you how much I appreciate the support. Yes, I have a safety plan. Thank you for the link.

[2Loyal2Long]

So sorry you’ve got all this stress, this is a heartbreaking illness.

From an outsider looking in I would guess he feels shame for being called out on his aggressive/threatening behavior, the description of his behavior does sound intimidating.

I’m glad you’re okay and I definitely second speaking to a DV counselor.  Therapists and doctors don’t get this like those who work in the field.  Sadly, that GP could have put you in greater harm by not alerting you to next steps and when.

If you think of it as dealing with a toddler it would make sense that he’s sleeping in the other room, being defiant to your request for resolution, blaming you, and rallying additional support to take his side.  Think of bullies on the playground, being right and more powerful, and having strength in numbers, it all makes sense to me.  It’s like children.

I’m on the receiving end of three plus weeks of silent treatment with no end in sight.  My heart goes out to you.  Please take care of your needs and there are great tools on here I’m learning from (in case I ever hear from uBPDh ever again and I’m not holding my breath).

Wishing you all the best, I just wanted to let you know your story resonated with me and I do care.