Working on my barriers to leaving

[thewilltoleave]

Hey there, I have actually been here on this site, but for anonymity purposes I felt like I needed to start a new profile, I'd rather not go into more detail, and I hope that's okay. Just looking for a bit of support for some of these last steps.

For background, my husband has BPD, we've been together over a decade, I've tried to get help myself when he refused, I've tried to get him help when he eventually agreed, I've tried to learn strategies to make things better, but none if it has changed things, and I just reached a point where I know that all I am doing at this point is watching him slowly kill himself at worst, and at best watching him live a life that makes him miserable. I'm also miserable, and I've come to the conclusion with the support of therapy and family that I need to leave. I love him, I think he's a good person at the end of the day, and I have no anger towards him at this point. I have no regrets about the life we shared, and I wish him the best and to be happy. I just know the only way out of this situation that is healthy for either of us is to not be married anymore and working on ourselves. That's much easier for me than it is for him, but I have worked through a lot of these issues at this point too, and I realize this situation will be hard but not impossible.

I have been struggling with moving forward with the actual steps. I have met with a divorce lawyer, I have an idea of what to expect, so it's not so much that aspect of it, but really just working on getting myself emotionally stable enough to handle this huge life change.

I have been really thinking about what I need to get through this. Every time I start to take a step toward divorce, I notice I don't sleep well, I don't eat much, and I have a hard time just getting through a day of work. After reflecting on that with my therapist, I think I am just really not great at knowing my own limits and when I need to stop pushing for change. I push so hard I burn out, then I do the opposite, I cocoon myself, I try to escape the feelings. But then I just end up feeling stuck and unhappy. I've been in this cycle for a long time, and I think the biggest problem is my own pride in not wanting to let people know just how much I am struggling with all of this.

This isn't new for me, I didn't have a mother that was warm or open to talking about feelings. The rest of my family wasn't much better, some feelings are acceptable, like rage, happiness. Sadness, loneliness, being afraid, missing someone, relationship issues - those were all things that came with a lot of shame, and if you couldn't handle it on your own, then it wasn't going to get handled. My mom and I were definitely not friends, and I had a lot of anger towards her for a long time. But not anymore, thanks to an awesome therapist and a lot of reflecting. At this point I know our barriers didn't have much to do with me personally, it's just because of her own trauma, her own abusive mom that didn't allow her to feel like she could trust others, especially women, and especially her daughter who was a lot like her, and if she hated anyone the most, it was herself.

I struggle sometimes with my own self-esteem, but I think if there's one thing you can say about me, I am self-sufficient. But at a certain point, it does turn into pride. I can say that it's because I don't want to be a burden to others, and that is totally true. But there's more to it than that, I think. I like that I don't need to rely on anyone to take care of myself. I like being independent, I like feeling like I know who I am and what I want. My life hasn't always been easy, and I of course had help along the way from people i care about, but when it comes to my emotions and feelings, I do not want anyone touching that. I think, honestly, the only times in my life that I've allowed anyone to really  know that part of me, to actually try to let someone help me with it, has been in a romantic relationship. And I think this is the biggest problem I have. Leaving relationships in the past with non-BPD partners hasn't been as hard. Most people are sad a relationship is ending, myself included, but most of the time they will accept it, and they will want the best for you at the end of the day. But they don't have the intense feelings of abandonment and sadness and rage that someone with BPD does. Every time I've tried to have these conversations with my husband I have experienced some variation of this. And I just don't really have the emotional support network in my personal life to handle this, and I get overwhelmed and I feel pretty alone. And that's on me, it doesn't mean I don't have friends or even a family member that could handle this, it's just a hard thing to do for me. But I know I need to.

There have been a few times I've tried to open up to people, and when you've been through pretty awful things in your life, sometimes it's more than some people can deal with. It's hard to make a friend and feel like there's just this whole part of yourself that you can't share out of fear of how they will react - will they ghost me because they can't deal with it? Will they pull back and make it clear that's not the kind of friendship we have? Both of those things suck, I've experienced both. So at this point I don't know if I can handle opening up to a new friend. But I have some old friends that I know would be totally fine and probably kind of mad at me for not feeling like I could tell them all the things I'm going through. And honestly I think I need to rethink some of these friendships where I feel like that. I hope they don't feel like my intention is to lay it at their feet for them to fix it, it really is just me wanting to share so I feel seen and heard and not alone. I'm the last person on earth that wants someone to feel burdened by me. That is mortifying to me. And if someone thinks I would do that, I guess they really don't know me at all.

So there are a lot of excuses to not make changes that can help me move forward, but excuses keep me stuck. They make me feel desperate, lonely and reaching out to people in weird ways that aren't helpful. I'm trying to work on my self respect, and feeling like I'm a person worth knowing. Because when I talk with people who know me well they wish I came around more, we have fun, we laugh, and I remember all the reasons I like myself and how I used to enjoy my life. I think I can do it, but it starts with me starting to trust a person or two with who I really am.

[Notwendy]

I am not in a situation facing divorce but your story is similar to those of us who have a mother with BPD or some sort of disorder. The strongly independent, tend to cocoon but still want friends. The concern about being a "burden" even when you are not one. I have a mother with BPD. Nobody outside the family knew the whole of it- we were not allowed to speak about it and also felt it was too much to confide in friends. I had a few friends that I felt safe being close to but tend to keep people at arms legnth.

I can't see what is holding you up from moving forward but perhaps there is a connection on an emotional level between your H and your mother in a way- even if they aren't similar people or even similar in behavior or the relationship. The not being able to sleep and the fear of disconnection. I may be guessing here but for an infant/child- they are wired to connect with their mother and to not be able to do so is a threat to survival. So we are going to grasp at this connection even with a mother who has a disorder and be afraid of separation.  Your mother doesn't necessarily have to have BPD to affect this connection. I see some similarities- the shame, the projection of what they don't like in themselves- which could be with other disorders too.

I have spent some time in ACA groups which involve growing up with a disordered parent and/or one with alcoholism. It's not about going back and blaming or resenting the parent but looking at our own learned behaviors from growing up with one and doing the work to learn more functional ones.

Here is a list called laundry list of common traits https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

If any of this resonates with you, maybe this is something to look at with your therapist.

[Cat Familiar]

Very helpful suggestions from NotWendy. 

You seem like you’ve done a lot of self-reflection and understand the origins of behaviors that are not entirely productive. On the positive side, you’ve learned to be strong and independent, yet you’re now aware that through cultivating this strength, you’ve neglected close connections with other people.

(I might be writing my own story here too.)

It is overwhelming to contemplate ending a relationship with a borderline spouse. (Been there, done that.) It took me a long time to pull the grenade pin, though I set things in motion prior to that moment. It took me a while to put structures in place that were tangible (having my own Post Office box) as well as the intangible structure of imagining my daily life as a single person.

Some people thrive on spontaneity. I thrive on structure. If structure is in place, then I’m open to spontaneity, but only if it feels right for me.

A fear I had about ending my marriage was concern about how my husband would manage taking care of himself. (He had a history of being financially irresponsible and more worryingly, he had threatened suicide a number of times. And, more of a concern to my safety, he had assaulted me many times years earlier.) All those fears gave me pause, but I finally got to a point where I was done living my life trying to prevent terrible things happening to my partner. (I realize I have done this pattern again in my current marriage: trying to prevent my husband from damaging his health. Of course, being a covert narcissist, my words were not taken to heart; they were merely an annoyance…and years later he had a massive stroke and is quite disabled…and I had the biggest *I told you so* moment of my life.

I got off track, but my point is that your life is for you to live. When you are done with the relationship, you can give yourself permission to leave.

[thewilltoleave]

Hi NotWendy, thank you so much for sharing, and it's interesting you say that about your mother, because if you would ask anyone outside the family they would only say wonderful things about my mother too. And I feel like she felt more comfortable showing love to my brothers, so they just viewed her differently. She has passed now so I have just never felt comfortable revealing some of these things to them, her death was very hard on them. I definitely think there was some kind of personality disorder there with my mom, maybe some borderline with narcissism mixed in for good measure too.

I think there are definitely some connections between my H and my mom, you are right, both good and bad parts. I think there is probably an element of feeling like if I let him go, it's like letting her go too, both the good and bad.

The ACA groups sound really interesting, and I think there is a lot on that laundry list that definitely speaks to me. I may check out a group, so thanks for the recommendation!

[thewilltoleave]

Hi SinisterComplex, I can totally relate and 100% worry about what happens to him when things end with us. But I know my own mental health has been really taking a hit lately, and I'm going to reach a point that I will not be able to take care of myself if things keep going like this. And then I'll have to end it anyway. So I'd rather try to do it now when I can be caring and compassionate and try to help him with the whole process. It's good to hear stories about people actually being able to do it, so here's hoping I can do that too.

On the up side I did work up the nerve to reach out to an old friend yesterday and I let her know what's happening. It was nice to spill my guts and not feel like I was scaring someone off, and then she did the same. We joked, we talked about needing to get together again. After that I felt a little more like myself. It definitely helps me to feel less alone, and I'm doing a little better today, not feeling as catastrophic, feeling a little more hopeful. Baby steps I guess.