How do I respond kindly and stop the nastiness? Advice please

[Larmoyant]

I have endured a long, heartbreaking, abusive break-up with my exBPD/NPDbf.

We’ve started communicating again in an unhealthy way. I feel a strong urge to defend myself, but as I've read on here I want to ‘stop the bleeding’. I want to respond to his latest text in a positive, kind way so I don't feel bad about myself or make him feel bad.

I want to feel like my old self again, the kind, gentle person who doesn’t feel the need to defend herself or attack back. I want all the nastiness to stop. I’d like to move on knowing that I’ve been kind, and without a knot in my stomach, feelings of regret or guilt.

On the flip-side I’m quite scared that he will hurt me again because he can be highly abusive.

This is some of our latest text conversation:

Him: “I am sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship”. I did love you very much and I am always available to you if you need someone”.

Me: “That means a lot to me. Thank you”.

The next day after thinking some I sought clarification of what he meant by being “sorry”. I may have inadvertently triggered him by mentioning some of the things he’d done and maybe should have just enquired what he meant, but unfortunately, I sent it without thinking deeply enough.

Me: “I’ve been thinking about your comment “I’m sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship” Can I ask you what you mean by that? Are you referring to dating sites, the engagement situation, dating others whilst still talking with me, the rages? It would be good to know. Thanks”.

Him: “I was referring to my inability to deal with things you did, such as…………….(a long list of all my faults and failings)…………etc, etc

So, not an apology after all!

Me (desperately wanting to defend myself, but choosing not to): "Ok. Thanks for clarifying."

Him: “Don’t forget to share my reply with your men friends”.

Then this morning he sent this:

Him: “Why do you persist I was on dating websites when you know for certain I wasn’t as you logged into them. I believe it is a way of deflecting blame. You were obviously hedging your bets because you were in “so much demand” I hope it worked for you.”

What would be a good response to this? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[thrownforaloop]

Yikes, sorry to hear about your situation. If it were me, I would stop responding. It seems like he's trying to escalate and rope you into a long conversation where you are having to defend yourself or trying to prove what you know to be true is true. In general, it just seems like he's saying whatever it takes that will keep you captivated in him.

[Hadlee]

No response is the best response in this case.  He is baiting you.  Don't bite.

[Ahoy]

No response is the best response in this case.  He is baiting you.  Don't bite.

Seriously. If he is BPD, we won't ever understand the lens he is using to look over your relationship. Most likely in his book, everything WAS your fault (even though the contrary is likely true)

Looking back on me trying similar after separating with my wife, I now equate it to trying to connect extension leads together but instead of connecting it male to female, I'm putting the two female sides together and wondering why it's not working and there is no power!

[married21years]

were done!

[gotbushels]

Hi Larmoyant 

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulty and the strange discussion you are having with your ex. It's not easy to go through a relationship with a BP and it's also not easy figuring out what the appropriate answer is in a post-breakup tit-for-tat text skirmish. Whilst reading your post, I thought "baiting". So I'll just repeat what busygall said:

No response is the best response in this case.  He is baiting you.  Don't bite.

Me (desperately wanting to defend myself, but choosing not to): "Ok. Thanks for clarifying."

^ you doing a good job by not JADEing despite being invalidated with a list of things (well done); but thanking him does nothing for you.

Him: “:)on’t forget to share my reply with your men friends”.

^ him attempting to escalate.

Good luck. I hope you find a healthy choice and get some rest.

[Sunfl0wer]

What would be a good response to this? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

I believe it is likely that ANY response is likely validating the invalid.

Like is a stranger on the street called you a low life b*tch and yelled it across the parking lot, would you approach them to respond?

If I wrote here that some stranger in a parking lot yelled that at me and I was thinking of my reply to approach them with, what advice would you give me?

[C.Stein]

What would be a good response to this? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

I get the distinct impression this is not the first time this issue has been raised.  So ask yourself ... .how many times will you continue to get on the merry-go-round until you decide to step off?  Do you think this might be a good time to do that ... to finally get off the ride and walk away with your head held high?

[Larmoyant]

It's 11.40pm, not late, but I've had an exhausting day. I've just come here to read a while before sleeping and can't thank you enough. I haven't responded to what I can now see is further devaluation. C.Stein, I will choose to walk away with my head held high, he has taken a lot from me and enough's enough. I needed to hear that. Sunflower, what can I say! What you wrote hit the spot big time. Perfect. Busygal, gotbushels, ahoy, thrownforaloop, I can see the baiting! Married21years, 'we're done'. Yes, we certainly are done. I decided not to respond and feel perfectly ok about it. I'm going to sleep well tonight. I've just taken a big step forwards.