Need to set boundaries with BPD roommate

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is about my roommate, but let me first say that I have a parent with BPD who has made great strides towards recovery these last few years, and I love them so, so much. I am in therapy and it has been very helpful in processing the childhood trauma.

I also have a roommate (":)" with many of the same behavior patterns as my parent pre-recovery, and it often feels like I'm reliving the worst parts of my childhood. Obviously, until he tells me he's been diagnosed with BPD, I cannot know for sure. I only have my own observations, and my therapist's confirmation that I am not projecting my past experiences onto his behavior.

We have been roommates for a few years. I'm casual friends with our other roommate, and we give each other plenty of space. Things have always been tumultuous between D and me, though, (and between him and the other roommate), and it's reached the point where my health is suffering.

I've tolerated the emotional outbursts and verbal abuse so far because a) I know that like my parent, he's a good person in a lot of pain, and it's his illness speaking, and b) my primary coping mechanism - avoidance - feeds the behavior, and I feel guilty. At the end of the day, though, he is not seeking help for his issues, and I can't focus on my recovery in therapy if all I'm doing there is trying to reverse yet another week's damage to my mental and physical health.

Most of D's outbursts are done via text (dozens at a time, usually a rash of accusations and name-calling), and they're difficult to ignore because if I don't respond, then he'll ambush me in person. I really can't avoid making him upset because there's no room for mistakes - I don't know what I've done most of the time, but he is convinced that I am hurting him on purpose. I can't reason with him, because his perception of reality is often skewed; some examples are threatening to report me to an unspecified authority figure if I don't seek medical treatment for an illness I don't have (but he does) or accusing me of yelling at him after a normal exchange with no raised voices.

In a way, I understand his reactions, because if I sincerely believed that someone was trying to systematically destroy me, I'd probably get emotional, too. I get that. But I've tried answering his outbursts with kind, affirming statements (and still do so without fail in texts). I've tried agreeing to his requests on practical matters, and then leaving before the accusations and crying can begin. I've tried avoiding him, and I've tried pretending everything is normal. I've also tried setting up a meeting in a neutral location to agree on some written rules for what we need from each other to get along, but he refuses to give me a time until I can guarantee he won't get his feelings hurt during the meeting.

In short, I've tried everything I know how to do without having my PTSD triggered where he or others can see. I know avoidance must hurt him badly and contributes to the problem (I do try to take ownership of my part in this), but I have done the best I can with my limitations, and it's clearly not working.

I want to end the abusive written communication, and preferably written communication of any kind because he cannot tell the difference. I want to stop him cornering me alone when he has a problem about housework or whatever and redirect it to a housewide discussion instead. I want to create enough distance that he will stop accusing me of failing a friendship that we've never really had, and I want to stop him from using me as an emotional dumping ground.

In other words, I want to establish that this is not appropriate and make it stick, whether he agrees or not.

D deserves help and support, but I have my hands full supporting my parent and my own recovery. He's a good person, so I do not want hurt him more than is necessary.

Is it possible to establish boundaries after years without them? How would I even begin to start a conversation like this, especially if he won't agree to meeting in person? When my parent had their biggest blow ups, there were smear campaigns and social media makes that really easy. What can I expect?

I know that's a lot, but I'm really at a loss and this is probably going to blow up sooner rather than later.

[Drumstick]

This is about my roommate, but let me first say that I have a parent with BPD who has made great strides towards recovery these last few years, and I love them so, so much. I am in therapy and it has been very helpful in processing the childhood trauma.

I also have a roommate (":)" with many of the same behavior patterns as my parent pre-recovery, and it often feels like I'm reliving the worst parts of my childhood. Obviously, until he tells me he's been diagnosed with BPD, I cannot know for sure. I only have my own observations, and my therapist's confirmation that I am not projecting my past experiences onto his behavior.

We have been roommates for a few years. I'm casual friends with our other roommate, and we give each other plenty of space. Things have always been tumultuous between D and me, though, (and between him and the other roommate), and it's reached the point where my health is suffering.

I've tolerated the emotional outbursts and verbal abuse so far because a) I know that like my parent, he's a good person in a lot of pain, and it's his illness speaking, and b) my primary coping mechanism - avoidance - feeds the behavior, and I feel guilty. At the end of the day, though, he is not seeking help for his issues, and I can't focus on my recovery in therapy if all I'm doing there is trying to reverse yet another week's damage to my mental and physical health.

Most of D's outbursts are done via text (dozens at a time, usually a rash of accusations and name-calling), and they're difficult to ignore because if I don't respond, then he'll ambush me in person. I really can't avoid making him upset because there's no room for mistakes - I don't know what I've done most of the time, but he is convinced that I am hurting him on purpose. I can't reason with him, because his perception of reality is often skewed; some examples are threatening to report me to an unspecified authority figure if I don't seek medical treatment for an illness I don't have (but he does) or accusing me of yelling at him after a normal exchange with no raised voices.

In a way, I understand his reactions, because if I sincerely believed that someone was trying to systematically destroy me, I'd probably get emotional, too. I get that. But I've tried answering his outbursts with kind, affirming statements (and still do so without fail in texts). I've tried agreeing to his requests on practical matters, and then leaving before the accusations and crying can begin. I've tried avoiding him, and I've tried pretending everything is normal. I've also tried setting up a meeting in a neutral location to agree on some written rules for what we need from each other to get along, but he refuses to give me a time until I can guarantee he won't get his feelings hurt during the meeting.

In short, I've tried everything I know how to do without having my PTSD triggered where he or others can see. I know avoidance must hurt him badly and contributes to the problem (I do try to take ownership of my part in this), but I have done the best I can with my limitations, and it's clearly not working.

I want to end the abusive written communication, and preferably written communication of any kind because he cannot tell the difference. I want to stop him cornering me alone when he has a problem about housework or whatever and redirect it to a housewide discussion instead. I want to create enough distance that he will stop accusing me of failing a friendship that we've never really had, and I want to stop him from using me as an emotional dumping ground.

In other words, I want to establish that this is not appropriate and make it stick, whether he agrees or not.

D deserves help and support, but I have my hands full supporting my parent and my own recovery. He's a good person, so I do not want hurt him more than is necessary.

Is it possible to establish boundaries after years without them? How would I even begin to start a conversation like this, especially if he won't agree to meeting in person? When my parent had their biggest blow ups, there were smear campaigns and social media makes that really easy. What can I expect?

I know that's a lot, but I'm really at a loss and this is probably going to blow up sooner rather than later.

[No-One]

Drumstick:
Good to hear that your parent has made great strides towards recovery.  I'm so sorry that you are having difficulty with your roommate.  I can understand how that makes your living situation tough.

What's your roommates background?  Does he work? Go to school?  Does he date?  Has he ever had therapy or been treated for a mental illness?

BPD doesn't stand alone and everyone's situation is a bit different.  Typically, people with BPD have one or more of the following:  depression, bipolar, anxiety, ADHD/ADD, OCD, PTSD.  Can you pinpoint any of these other mental problems that might apply to your roommate?

Does your problem roommate treat the 3rd roommate as badly as he treats you?

Unfortunately, you can't change someone unless they want to change.  The only thing you can do is manage the way you interact and react to someone else. Learning some of the communication skills from this website could be helpful for both you and the other roommate.  Check out the "Tools" menu within the large green band at the top of this page (the last link will take you to a Workshop section).  Also, if you check out the relationship board for "Improving a Relationship With a BPD Partner", you can find links in the right hand margin that lead to some helpful lessons. 

We have been roommates for a few years. I'm casual friends with our other roommate, and we give each other plenty of space. Things have always been tumultuous between D and me, though, (and between him and the other roommate), and it's reached the point where my health is suffering. 

Are you renting or leasing?  What might be some options?  Can you ask him to leave?  Can you live elsewhere?

I want to stop him cornering me alone when he has a problem about housework or whatever and redirect it to a housewide discussion instead. I want to create enough distance that he will stop accusing me of failing a friendship that we've never really had, and I want to stop him from using me as an emotional dumping ground.   

Have you had roommate meetings in the past?  What are some of his housework issues?  Is he perhaps a perfectionist and a bit controlling?  Have you and the other roommate discussed having a housewide discussion? 

Is it possible to establish boundaries after years without them? How would I even begin to start a conversation like this, especially if he won't agree to meeting in person? When my parent had their biggest blow ups, there were smear campaigns and social media makes that really easy. What can I expect? 

Your personal boundaries are for you to set and enforce.  You don't need others to buy into them/agree with them.  You just decide what boundaries you need and begin enforcing them.  You may set a boundary about name calling.  The next time he calls you a name, terminate whatever communication you are in and announce that name calling isn't acceptable, so you need to terminate whatever the communication type is.  Indicate that you can be available to discuss things later, when a discussion can be had without anger and name calling.  Once you start to enforce a boundary, you need to be consistent.  Sometimes, the behavior of the person with BPD or BPD traits can get worse before eventually getting better.

You are right about social media. It is a problem with a high conflict person.  It's best to just not engage with the difficult person and to restrict or block interactions with them via social media.

[Turkish]

Hi Drumstick,

If you had to pick the top three conflicts here,  what would they be?

As for the texts,  BIFF (Brief, Informative,  Friendly,  Firm) can work: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

I've tailored it to verbal interactions as well. 

T.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Drumstick,

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this problematic roomy, its sound very stressful.

Does he think everyone in the house is picking on him ? If you have a BPD parents, then you are more likely to present as someone that another BPD feels they can manipulate. Remember a BPD picks their targets, subconsciously maybe, but they pick them. Have you considered medium chill, were you simply fade to grey and show zero emotions to him, without ignoring him ? Just keeping conversation to a minimum, just functional talk. I lived in a share house with a troublesome room mate, but thankfully they latched onto someone else. But even so, I was going to move out because just listening to it was stressful. So we had a house meeting and she was voted out.

Mind you “Drumstick” couldn’t you just play the drums loudly when it's just you and he in the house and when not, avoid him ? (I’m  being flippant, you could be a chicken drumstick, still being flippant). Best of luck with your situation, but sounds like you need to change something. Have you decided what yet ?