Still so afraid of my exBPD

[LovexLife]

Hi !

So first of all, I wish you a happy new year ! 

It’s been a while since come here because I felt way better. But today I really feel the need of asking for help.

I met my exBPD 4 years ago, and stayed with him for 10 months. Our relationship was horrible, a typical relationship with a BPD person.

When I decided to leave him, he couldn’t believe it and kept on texting me. At this time I was lost, I didn’t understand what happened and thought I could be « friend » with him because he didn’t want to let me go for good. When I stopped talking to him for several months, he became crazy. One year and a half after I left him, he started harassing me and stalking me. It was the hardest time of my life, I felt terrible.

I went to a therapist who told me everything will be ok as long as I don’t answer him. He told me I didn’t have to be afraid, and that there were nothing he could do against me. And I have to tell he was right : he stopped it when I changed my phone number.

But last year, he sent me a message telling me he was sorry for acting like that, but he also told me he could never stop thinking about me. It was really scary.

Shortly after I stopped going to the therapist, I discovered about borderline personalities. At that time, I understood everything and started being really afraid he might killing me. Because now I know how sick they are, and my ex was the kind of borderlines who always try to hide their troubles, but are angry at other people for being « normal ».  I think he could have drugs and alcohol problems.

I also have to tell that I never saw him in person, it was a « long distance relationship ». But he knows where I live.

I know he has a girlfriend currently, I’ m very happy because I hope I don’t have to be afraid anymore.

But everytime a crime of passion occurs, I start being really afraid. I feel like it could have been me, I feel like it could happen to me at any moment.

Since I know he’s a borderline I’m really afraid, I feel like he will never get over it. I fear he suddenly try to reach me again, I don’t know how dangerous he could be.

I regret this relationship every day. And I feel like I will never be able to live with someone because I’m afraid he could know about it and be mad.

I really hope I am overreacting, that’ s why I’m asking for some advices. I hope my text wasn’t too long.

Thank you and have a nice evening!   

[Trog]

If he has a girlfriend you're off the hook. He may come back trying to triangulate or looking for some emotional supply of he hits a hard time but they line people up as wells of emotional supply of you've been off the radar for a while, he may try to get you to bite but he won't try hard, he'll spread his efforts around and fixate on the one who takes the bait. I think you'll be ok

[LovexLife]

@Trog : Thank you for your answer. I felt really bad when I wrote this, sometimes I feel like I'll never be safe.

Do you think it's ok if I have a boyfriend and he knows it ?

I didn't date for almost 3 years because of him. Even though I deleted my Facebook account, I'm sure he still tries to know who I spend my time with by visiting their profiles. So I fear he might know about a new boyfriend and I'm scared of his reaction. Thank you

[Trog]

@Trog : Thank you for your answer. I felt really bad when I wrote this, sometimes I feel like I'll never be safe.

Do you think it's ok if I have a boyfriend and he knows it ?

I didn't date for almost 3 years because of him. Even though I deleted my Facebook account, I'm sure he still tries to know who I spend my time with by visiting their profiles. So I fear he might know about a new boyfriend and I'm scared of his reaction. Thank you

Firstly, why should be know, can't you block him?

However secondly, you can't live your life in fear of what he may do if you just live your life, if he attempts anything or causes you any trouble take out an injunction, I think we all normalise totally unacceptable behaviour, it is not permissible in any way that he has anything to do with your business. I'd advise you get on with your life but just be sensible as possible and keep your biz out of his vision. I think it's 'ok' if you date anyone! I'm sorry he seems to have this power at the moment but you need to take it back. 

[Pingo]

LovexLife, sorry you are going through this.   Stalking is not a good sign, I don't know why your T told you not to worry.  I agree with Trog, you cannot live your life in fear but you can take steps to keep yourself safe as possible.  Can you contact a battered woman's shelter?  You don't have to be battered, you can just have fear for your life and they can help, providing ideas and resources that we here might not have thought of.

I am in a similar situation, I fear my ex.  I have not started dating yet but the idea does scare me as I wish I could just say for 100% certain he would never do anything but I cannot.  So in the mean time I am just trying to get as much NC between us as possible.  I threatened mine with a RO if he ever contacts me again in any way shape or form.  Has worked so far!

Good luck and Happy New Year!

[Rise]

Sorry you're having a rough go of it LovexLife. That's a terrible feeling to constantly be afraid. Just wondering, did your ex have a history of violence? Did he make threats towards you? When you say he was stalking you, what exactly did he do?

[downwhim]

I too made it very clear to my ex that he was not to come around my home, get near me or my dog. I forgot I even said that. He knows I will call the police in a heartbeat if I feel threatened.

[LovexLife]

Thank you everyone for your messages !

@Trog : I blocked him but I knew he would create fake accounts so I decided to delete my Facebook accounts. But I can't tell my family, friends and schoolmates to do the same. Even when we were together, he kept on going to his ex's Facebook, just to know what they were doing. That's the reason why I'm afraid.

@Pingo : Thank you for your support. I guess my therapist told me not to worry because I was 16 when it happened, I think he didn't take it seriously. I don't live in the US so I cannot get a restriction order. The police just don't mind about this kind of situation. I just hope I'm overreacting... .

@Rise : We were 16 years old when it happened, we havent a long history behind us. I know he had been violent one time, because he couldn't control himself. I think he's prone to use alcohol and drugs. He never threatened me.

By stalking, I meant he phoned me several times a day (and night) and texted me a lot. Dozens messages a day : sometime to begging me to come back, but sometimes he was very angry. It lasted a month, until I changed my phone number. What scared my the most was the fact it happened one year and a half after the breakup ! I felt like it would never end.  

@Downwhim : I never told him that because he lives in a different city and has no reason to come near my house. I hope so... .