Spouses silent treatment

[Tamtam]

This is my first post.  I am so relieved to know that I am not crazy.  To find a place that I will have some support.

About every 3-4 months, my husband will have what I call an "episode".  We can be having a great time, and all of a sudden, without warning, is the silence, the look, or just the mood changes.  When I try to ask him about it, he responds "Im Fine".  If I ask again or push, the mood starts.  He lectures, or leaves.  The silent treatment begins, and if I try to ask about it, I am told I am pushy, needy, or smothering.  This episode we are in has lasted 3 weeks today, so far.  The silence is somewhat better, but it is like I am living with a roommate and I am the maid.  He also got rid of his phone this time, so I have no way of contacting him. 
These episodes make me so anxious, that I do take an anxiety med. just to get through the episodes.  I need any advise possible, some days I just want to let him have it and walk away.  We have been married 12 years.  My children left the house early, because they couldn't stand him.  They tell me I should leave him, but I am not quite ready to do that yet.
Thank you for letting me ramble, any advise would be helpful

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[Supertrouper]

Hi Tamtam, i completely understand what you mean, my partner does it to me, thankfully we dont live together so it is much easier to let him get on with it.

It has been hurtful in the past but now it is the most infuriating part of BPD to me now. I understand it, so i dont let it bother me, not too much anyway, it has to bother me a bit otherwise i would be numb, but i dont take it personally.

I usually just keep reminding him im there by texting and keep conversations light if he calls back and then i just get on with my life. I have found in the past if i completely ignore him while he is giving me the silent treatment, he gets more upset. So my suggestion is to keep any exchanges pleasant your end and light till he is ready to talk snd then get on with what YOU need to do for YOURSELF. Others may have more suggestions.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am so sorry you are dealing with the silent treatment.  My ex used to do that to me (as well as my mother) and boy was it tough on me.  It took a long time to realize that silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse, at least in the way my ex and mother used it.  It was a way to 'punish' me.  Not all forms of silent treatment is abuse though it may feel that way.  Some people withdraw when they get upset or have something on their mind.  Regardless, it can be a relationship buster for sure.

What happens when he comes out of this?  Does he start talking and proceed like nothing happened?

[itsmeSnap]

What happens when he comes out of this?  Does he start talking and proceed like nothing happened?

I would also like to know, my "gf" has done this to me quite regularly and I want to understand (long story, check my thread if you like, [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330740.0] )

To tamtam:

This seems to be an unresolved mystery, how to handle the silence, everyone says you can't do much because its out of our control and it kinda is, once its on full blast that is.

But I also want to know if anyone has had an experience with changing the pattern, as in replace the "shutting us down" response with something more "proactive"?

So far I've noticed two reasons for silent treatment: Shame and Punishment.

Shame when they feel they've done a bad thing and can't cope, so they hide and retreat.

Punishment when they feel you've done a bad thing and want you to "suffer" for it.

I'm thinking something along the lines of: we know they're hurting, they know they're hurting, and in the punishment form at least, they want us to hurt too even if it hurts them, so maybe a better "retribution" where this need for punishment (to themselves or directed to us) is met but a resolution can be achieved?

I know it sounds odd to ask "how can I be more effectively punished" but that seems to be at the core of this behavior, maybe if we could redirect it towards a constructive "retaliation" so there's not damage, but growth coming out from that so it would make for a better relationship.

thoughts?

*Edited to fix typo/missing words

[Toad17]

Extended periods of silent treatment is one of the forms of emotional abuse. pwBPD heavily use this weapon of destruction. As it destroys your mental health, the best strategy is to focus on yourself. I have gone through countless cycles of silent treatment. I have come up with three "C"s. I keep repeating this to myself until I calm down - "I didn't Cause it. I can't Control it. I can't Change it". It is a very helpless situation for us but we have to learn to disengage and let the madness run its course. There are few things you can do to fasten the process. I generally say - "I know you are upset about something. We can talk about it when you are feeling better". Now this can have two outcomes, they can start blaming us for everything and how we have turned their life into hell. If that happens, you need to use lot of DBT validation skills to lower the conflict and also avoid being invalidated. The other outcome is that they continue the silent treatment. But since you put some boundaries, they might end the silent treatment quickly. But do not engage in pushing them during this phase. They feed on drama and conflict. You'll get sucked into the roller coaster ride. Focus more on letting it go and work on something that cheers you up. The more stable and thick skin you are, the sooner they end the silent treatment. Try not to put logic into the equation, because you won't find one. You'll just drain your mental energy. You literally have to believe that you din't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Change it.