... Tomorrow I'm having a talk about the effect all of her behaviours have on me but at this stage I'm hopeful for escape. Has anyone here had a successful chat with a BPD partner that had positive outcomes. Obviously I'm not expecting overnight.
Welcome. How did it go?
To answer your question, and the thread topic, I have to say "No, I haven't personally had a successful chat."
Occasionally, I would be able to calm things down, using some of the conflict de-escalation techniques described here and in books on the topic. but in my experience, when my Ex was looking for a fight, she would pick it up any time, even the next day, even if we had gone to bed calm, having seemingly resolved the issue.
The only thing that resolved fights, so things could get back to "normal" with my (now ex-) wife was several days of silent treatment. Then usually we'd talk and have to each share some blame, and then move on. I would have to avoid "who started it" and pay lip service to the idea that
we were
both responsible for
her behavior to get to this point.
I have a couple other thoughts...
These last two years my other half was in a PhD and was treated terribly by an abusive boss. I put a lot of her behaviour down to this.
...
How do you know this is true? How do you know her boss was the abusive one?
Have you witnessed the abuse yourself, in full context of the situation?
I also made a lot of excuses for my ex's nasty behavior when we were dating, and found that they didn't hold water when the situations she blamed for her behavior were resolved.
She would simply move on to new stressors in her life as an excuse. And I was
ALWAYS expected to resolve these things for her; her problems were my problems, and the reverse was not true. So over time, I found myself responsible for juggling her needs, my own needs, and my own demanding career.
Also, I saw that a lot of the things she blamed for her outside behavior were either entirely her own doing, or completely untrue. If she wanted to fight, or pick a fight with someone, she would openly lie about what was said, or if called out for lying,
strongly exaggerate the context, or delivery to make herself appear to be a victim, in what was (to me at least) an innocuous comment or simple conversation.
W'eve been attending relationship counselling and it's helped a bit but not too much.
Someone once told me, on the topic of counseling with a BPDer, to not expect much - if any - improvement from this.
If she truly is BPD, she doesn't need the sort of superficial communications techniques they practice in relationship counseling... she needs years of personal and group therapy to learn how to control the excessive mood swings she experiences, and learn how to love and trust herself, before she can love and trust others. If she had an abusive, traumatic childhood, this may be impossible.
And also avoid mentioning your suspicion to her. If you tell a BPDer you suspect they're borderline -or have any personality disorder - expect a lot of spin, and counter accusations, and unhelpful conflict to stem from this. They don't take this constructively.
I completely agree with Rev here:
...
Generally speaking, I would suggest that you talk this out with a coach, therapist, or mentor. By what you describe here, having a discussion with her is rather pointless and could even backfire on you. ...
If your partner is BPD, consider yourself alone in the relationship. You're not an equal partner here... you're the one carrying it. Outside help, in the form of counseling or therapy for yourself is invaluable.
However, you may want to also keep it to yourself that you're seeing a counselor; your partner will likely be threatened by the fact that you're getting an outside, objective view of their behavior. BPDers feel a need to control the flow of information; their reality relies on them being able to "control the narrative." No good will come from sharing this, only more conflict as she seeks to try to convince you that you're the problem here, and counseling for yourself is manipulative and unfair to her.
