Splitting, detachment, engulfment...someone pull me back in the boat

Background: We live in separate states about 2 hours apart. This recent recycle began wonderfully and we talked about any tensions that began to arise and addressed them. It felt like an adult relationship for the moment. While I admit that this should have been the time we went shopping for a couples counselor, we were content with trying to take it easy. She insisted that I move most of my belongings into her home because this was it, things were great. So now I have my work uniforms, a t-shirt, a pair of jeans, toiletries and my gym clothes.

The most recent event actually began a week before the grand finale. We were sitting in a restaurant eating on the 4th of July and talking. In the middle of my response to a question she asked she picked up her phone and started doing something. I told her that that behavior really hurt my feelings. She apologized but it was not long after this that I began to feel her pulling away. We went on to have a decent 5th of July and off into the week.

I drove to her house to sleep mid-week and I could feel something was off. I attempted to address the issue and tell her that I felt like she was pulling away from me. She then went on into how she cannot have an intimate relationship right now and felt pressured. Now honestly, I have not even attempted to enter that territory. I guess a simple back rub was inappropriate, although I did ask if it made her uncomfortable. It then went into she did not want a relationship with anyone. I said thank you for calling me anyone. She said she felt cornered and overwhelmed. She said she was emotionally exhausted and that I was stealing her joy and she brought up something from over a year ago. The weekend after this happened she was supposed to come to my mother's home with me. She said she was too worn down and was going to rest. I talked to her on Sunday and she said that she had gone out Saturday night and had invited her ex to go along. Background: about two recycles ago she had told me that she could not go on a planned vacation with me because she might have feelings for this person. Later she stated she did not have feelings.

Now she is in therapy for over a year now and I have attempted to be thoughtful of that and understand that maybe things come up that push her buttons. I just don't exactly know what I did to trigger this. I get that I have insecurities (which have largely been created by her) and that they send me into a push-pull state. I tried to tell her that she did hurt my feelings when she went out with her ex and had opted to not visit my mother who was asking about her. I also told her that I wish she would have talked to me about her intimacy issues right now because I certainly would not want her to feel pressured. At first she said we could talk about surface things and go to counseling. She even started the hunt for couples counselors. She has since gone NC telling me she is splitting and detached and is trying to take care of herself.

I just told her that I loved her and was there for her but have not heard from her. I get these things are out of my control. I think if the ex was not in the picture I could handle this better. I ask myself why I put up with this but it all comes down to she really is a good person who deserves love. I just wish we could find a place that was not so destructive. That every anger did not end in a breakup. I am not looking to fix her but would really like some stability, some knowing that she wasn't going to leave forever. I feel in the dark. I wonder what she is doing, it is eating me up. I guess the potential for infidelity is just killing me this time around and I can't even address that.

Thank you for listening.



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