Struggling with guilt

[Rayma]

I know I see other people, including my undiagnosed BPD husband, able to make people feel bad or make bad judgment calls and just move on, or blame someone else. Sometimes I wish I could just let go like that instead of beat myself up for my mistakes. After I say that I realize that often, including tonight what I did isn't really a mistake. I made a judgement call to trust my over 18 daughter. Maybe it was misplaced, maybe it was a great idea. Parenting is hard. I do my best and sometimes I err on the side of believing the best about my kids. Sometimes I shouldn't. Anyway I didn't ask my husband about the decision. We don't have any agreement that I needed to. He disagreed with my decision, and yelled at me for it.

I feel bad. I am worried I did make the wrong decision. What if something bad does happen? It will be my fault and he will blame me for the rest of my life. It is times like these when I just don't know if I can take this. I so wish I had a partner to walk through these hard decisions with and not an enemy who would look forward to my downfall.

I got stressed about something on Monday of this week and he has been unhappy with me all week for that. It is about to be Thursday. I am trying to do all the right things, but I'm just tired, and sad, and worried. I know he is in the part of spitting where I just look evil and he feels anything he wants to do to me is justified, but when I am so aware of my own fallibility and imperfections I forget that I do deserve to exist and I am not evil. Sometimes I don't know how to believe in myself and separate out the truth that I am a good person, who is trying so, so hard to do the right thing.

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[kells76]

Hi Rayma;

Oh, very much agreed here:

I made a judgement call to trust my over 18 daughter. Maybe it was misplaced, maybe it was a great idea. Parenting is hard. I do my best and sometimes I err on the side of believing the best about my kids. Sometimes I shouldn't.

We can only do the best we can with what we know at the time. It's difficult second-guessing those decisions, and it sounds like it's no easier when your spouse is not just disagreeing with you, but angrily disagreeing with you.

How long was he yelling for? What was your response at the time?