feeling sorry for self

[Glenna]

I know it's not a healthy thing to do, feeling sorry for myself I mean, but sometimes getting in touch with reality brings difficult to deal with realizations.

My uBPDd36 and her 2 kids have been away for nearly 2 weeks, but will be back Monday. After a few days they will be off again, to their home on a different continent.

I have been trying to bring order to my apt and to restore what used to be a pleasant place to live. I have been doing this same thing for several years now, every time they stay for the summer and leave the place a shambles. Each year it gets worse, because the amount of stuff they leave here increases - toys, clothes and shoes, books, souvenirs.

I'm afraid it is beyond my power to make my apt nice. It may actually be impossible. As I work at home and need order to feel calm and happy, this is a bad thing.

What makes me feel sorry for myself is that I have zero help. Zero. Instead of helping in any way, my uBPDd blames me for having a 'house of cards.' She scorns me and criticizes me for the mess, as if it is really my fault. Et cetera.

I used to help my mother so much. I cleaned, wallpapered, painted, shopped for things for her house, as well as clothes for her. And I never mentioned it as something she should be grateful for! It just felt normal! MY mother, having NPD, mostly took for granted what I did. Even that didn't bother me. If something was improved and looked good and was orderly, I was happy.

Anyway, at this point in my life I have no help at all, and even though I have been working everyday, there is hardly a difference. I am 68 years old and don't have the strength and energy I used to have. And I'm sure that hopelessness saps strength too. I feel almost panicky at the thought that I'll never have a nice home again. I am such a dreamer that I'm always thinking I will, any day now. But years have gone by like this and it's only getting worse.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Any suggestions will be welcome!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Hi Glenna,

It seems to me, it's time to say NO to your daughter. I would give her the opportunity to go through the things she leaves in your home and select what she wants to take with her. The rest should be disposed of, even if after she leaves. If there's too much stuff for you to haul to the trash, ask for help or hire one of those companies that clean out houses, etc. Yes, your daughter will be furious, so maybe wait until the day before she leaves. Don't let her intimidate you.

You and I are near the same age. Why waste the limited time we have left being buried under the weight of her junk? You deserve so much better, but you will NEVER get more from your daughter. It's up to us to value ourselves and our environment. We can treat ourselves the way we wish our children treated us.

Next year, you might want to shorten the time your daughter and grandchildren are welcome to visit.

[Glenna]

Thank you meantcorn. You speak wisely and calmly. I can take in this kind of advice. It is as if a weight has been placed on my side of the scale, for once. Mostly no one I know does this. They just shake their heads.

I have been thinking the same thing about my age. It is ridiculous to live as if we have forever.

I have already told her that another summer like this is impossible. She is now thinking of renting a place here next year.

[madmom]

I think meantcorn24 might have the right idea.  Explain using SET that you just don't have the room to store and deal with all the stuff anymore.  She can take stuff with her, make a box(es) of stuff to keep.  (I would suggest you get the boxes/containers and say that this is how much stuff you are willing to store in your home, once full that is it) and the rest is going to goodwill or some other cause or trash (whatever works for you.  You know your daughter and her children, so you decide how soon to tell them.  I know you don't want rages for two weeks.  I guess I would try to say something like:

I know it is hard to bring things back and forth for your visits.  I love to see all of you and want you to be comfortable,  however, I just don't have the space and energy anymore to deal with so much stuff.  I have come up with a solution, please take with you the things that you really want.  I have some containers for you to put things you want to keep here and that I am willing to store.  The rest will need to be donated or disposed of in some way. 

If she says no, then I guess your only choice is to tell her, then I will take care of it in your own way.  You deserve to not feel a prisoner in your own home.  Life is short and you should find happiness, peacefulness and sweetness where you can.   Bless your heart, I will be thinking about you and hoping for the best.

[Glenna]

Thank you madmom. I am going to read and think before I speak with her, because she will be very volatile about it.

I also have to look deeper into my 'feeling sorry for myself.' Even though the situation has factual validity, I start looking quite pathetic in my own eyes if I don't think my way out of it. In my FOO, being helpless and pathetic and even sick (only in certain ways though) got recognition, if not help. Being competent didn't get anything much, except being used. I was such a 'can-do' person all my life and now that I can't be that and no one else is stepping up to the position, I feel a resentment. As we know. that's only going to hurt me.

I have to change my outlook.

Thank you for caring!

meantcorn24,

I just reread your sentence 'we can treat ourselves the way we wish our children treated us.'  It is a great idea, well put. Even thinking about it will be pleasant.

Glenna