I prefer to think of it as "how we manage ourselves" when our partners bring bad vibes.
How do you manage yourself when other people bring bad vibes? I have had to ask myself that question a lot. I noticed that in other areas of my life I could walk away an not accept certain things. Why was I giving my partner a pass? I had to think of what I would do if a friend was bringing bad vibes to a situation.
-I can walk away.
-I can try to insert some humor.
-I can disengage from the conversation and mentally retreat. That would look something like smile and nod or offer a facial expression to acknowledge that I hear what they are saying.
A lot of it depends on the context of the situation too.
Thanks. Anything you might want to add? I see you have been married for 17 years so you must be very experienced in dealing with a pwBPD.
I think the most important thing to do is not take it personally and work on getting yourself into a mental state where you are not going to be as impacted by those bad vibes. You can't really dissipate bad vibes. They are going to be there without regard to what you do or don't do. You have to figure out ways to protect yourself from them rather than try to dissipate them.
In essence I am a very laid back person and through the years I have learned to regulate very well my emotions. I practice LOTS of Yoga and I'm following with my BPDgf a Mindfulness course. I also exercise a lot. The rare moments I get upset is if something unacceptable happens (potential cheating, lying, etc).
That is awesome. Being mindful is a great tool. One of the things that I have struggled with is being a bit self righteous. I am not sure how else to put it or explain it. There for a while, I kind of felt like I was superior to him because I have done all of this reading. I try to be mindful. I try to do everything "right". I could give you a laundry list of all of the things that I was doing and I could give you a laundry list of things that he wasn't doing accompanied by a list of things he was doing wrong. I think some of that was coming through in our interactions and was tainting some of our interactions. Does that make an ounce of sense? I have no idea how to explain how I got where I am other than to say that I have done a lot of reading and self reflecting and have started to try to be more honest with myself about some of MY contribution to things.
I consider myself to be pretty laid back too. Sometimes, that can come across as invalidating. I would see him freak out and think, "Why the heck can't you just chill the eff out?" I have had some successful conversations about some of this with him. He doesn't understand how I can be so calm and collected with some things.
Absolutely, It's better to set the tone when dealing with pwBPD. Easier said than done
I know that all too well!
I have to remind myself that when I put something under a microscope, all I am going to see is what I put under there. Not only that, but what I put under the microscope is going to be amplified.