Depressed

[DogMom89]

Hi,
I'm new here and not really sure where to start. I have been with my now husband for just over 5 years and married for 5 months. I believe that my husband has undiagnosed BPD.

Anyways on to my dilemma. We found out we were pregnant at the beginning of January and we were both very excited as were anxious to start a family. I was only 4 weeks along and wanted to wait to tell anyone but my husband was too excited and told his family and his two close friends that day. He convinced me to also tell my parents who live in the same town as we do. We went over to tell them later that week and they were happy. My dad added that they wouldn't say anything without my permission and until I was past the first trimester when the risk of miscarriage drops. He was telling my husband about how my mom had had two miscarriages before having me (something I knew about growing up). My husband became angry about this and suddenly wanted to leave my parents house. My husband told me after we left that he was upset at my dad's comment, that they weren't excited enough for us and were being downers on our exciting day. I didn't think my parents were trying to ruin our exciting day and I hadn't really wanted to tell them that early anyways. My husband had made the comment that no one else he told seemed to be very excited either (like they were happy, they just weren't showing it outwardly like jumping up and down screaming because they're so excited kind of way). My dad did apologize to my husband and we went out for breakfast with my parents talked about it and it was water under the bridge (or so I thought).

A couple of weeks ago I ended up having some pregnancy issues and had a miscarriage (I was 11 weeks). My husband became understandably upset, we both were. However, my husband's sadness turned to extreme anger directed towards my dad. He believes without a doubt that my dad "jinxed" our pregnancy by talking about my mom's miscarriage. He thinks my dad put the thought in my head and that caused me to miscarry even though I already knew my mom had one well before I even met my husband. I've tried showing him facts that many early miscarriages are due to genetic abnormalities, etc., even had the doctor explain to him but he doesn't he see it. His anger culminated in him sending a flurry of texts to both my mom and dad saying he blames them for my miscarriage and that if he ever sees my dad he will hurt him physically.

My parents tried to apologize and said they loved us, that they're sorry we're going through this but my husband only repeated his threats. My parents are both feeling hurt and shocked that my husband would feel this way. I tried to validate my husband's feelings but told him calmly that I do not agree with physical violence towards my family or anyone else. My parents have been nothing but nice to him and truly believe that they meant no ill will from what they said. He told me that people have to be held accountable and sometimes you have to do that physically. He thankfully has stayed away from them.

I typically visit with my parents for a couple hours once a week by myself. My husband is always welcome to come with me but most of the time chooses not to come. This past weekend (a couple of weeks after the miscarriage and the blow up from my husband) I was planning to go over there. I have a good relationship with my parents and thought it would help to have their support through this tough time (the miscarriage part) and when he heard I was going, he blew up at me. He said my parents are horrible people, a bad influence on me, I shouldn't be talking to them. He even said he would keep me from talking to them at all. He said seeing them means I'm on their side and not his. That I'm not supporting him. He thought if he kept me from my parents for a couple years that could serve as punishment to them. He later said I could go over there but if we (my parents and I) talked about him, he would go over there and hurt my dad. Needless to say I didn't know what to say. I started crying and ended up not going. I have not gone to see my parents yet. I know I haven't handled this very well. I've mostly avoided talking to my husband about it and I'm working on having better boundaries.

My husband has had other outbursts similar to this but not to the point of threatening to hurt someone. He's never threatened to hurt me in any way. I am just in shock and not sure what to do. It sucks because on top of mourning a miscarriage I've been dealing with the anxiety of my husband's outburst. Has anybody had anything similar. How did you deal with it? I am thinking about counseling. My husband is thankfully in counseling but has only gone once so far (started going prior to this situation happening). I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. I'm not looking to leave him. I want to help him the best way I can and also get him the help he needs. It's just difficult dealing with his outbursts as they seem to come out of nowhere. I don't want him to think it's acceptable to make physical threats against people no matter who it is. Sorry for the long post. Thank you to anyone who will listen. 

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[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry about all of this during such a difficult time for you. 

People with BPD (pwBPD) often try to isolate their partners and are threatened by the love they feel for friends or family. Don’t let this happen to you. 

That he is threatening your father is a serious sign and if you appease him by not visiting them, he will continue to utilize these threats, because they work. If you do visit them, please do so alone and be prepared to call authorities if he shows up uninvited.

This is very worrisome, as you know.

[kells76]

does this thought process have a specific name? Magical thinking or something like that?

My first thought was a cognitive distortion, though I'm not sure there's one that applies directly:

https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-distortions

I'm more leaning towards something paranoid, though again, not an exact fit:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=162162.0

It almost sounds schizophrenic (not that I'm diagnosing), in the sense of a statement so "out there" that it's clearly not in touch with reality or cause-and-effect, and yes, with the "magical" overtones -- "some people have mystical power to put thoughts in other's minds"


This seemed closer than the other links:

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/schizotypal-personality-disorder#:~:text=People%20with%20schizotypal%20personality%20disorder,Be%20suspicious%20and%20paranoid

and this part seemed close to your situation:

Schizotypal Personality Disorder vs. Schizophrenia
People with schizotypal personality disorder may have odd beliefs or superstitions. They have trouble forming close relationships and tend to distort reality. In this way, schizotypal personality disorder can seem like a mild form of schizophrenia, a serious brain disorder that distorts the way a person thinks, acts, expresses emotions, perceives reality, and relates to others.

People who have schizophrenia are disconnected from reality. They may have delusions and see or hear things that aren’t there (hallucinations). But people who have schizotypal personality disorder don’t.

Hope those ideas help...

kells76

[DogMom89]

Hi,

Cat Familiar thank you for your reply.  Yes it is a very difficult time. Sucks because I hate when people are mad or upset and I tend to do whatever I can to make people feel better but obviously don't want my husband (or anyone else) to think that tactics like this are ok or can be used to control me.

Kells76 thank you also for your reply. I will look into some of the other posts you mentioned. Some of these definitely could fit his personality.