Proof of help

[Cynthia]

So, finally he has a lawyer. My lawyer has asked for him to give details of counselling, Dr's and medications. Can he be forced to if he doesn't ?

[livednlearned]

Usually the way family law court works is that you cannot force someone to do something. All you can do is leverage consequences.

For example, my ex was ordered to get a forensic psych evaluation, take anger management classes, and get substance abuse treatment. If he was willing to comply, then he could file a motion to reinstate visitation.

Filing a motion for counseling and medications, etc. is a way to signal to the judge that one party is struggling with the basic benchmarks of being an adult. If the judge agrees that the party seems to be struggling, and needs some guidelines to ensure the child's well-being is protected, then he gives that person a chance to rise to the occasion and show he is committed to being a good dad, at least in the most basic sense.

Someone with BPD will really struggle to follow through with court orders. Impulsivity and anxiety are intense for someone with BPD, and often the feeling that they are being controlled (engulfment) overwhelms any healthy voice in their mind that knows compliance with court orders will be best for everyone involved. A judge's order is the ultimate source of control, and if you were part of it, they will struggle twofold.

Are you hoping your ex will comply with counseling?

[Cynthia]

Thank you for response. 

Yes, my best case scenario  would be he gets an assessment , receives the right therapy/treatment  they move forward in time to whatever  family counselling  is needed. Having said that, I know he is the most stubborn  person ever and in complete denial that he has an issue.

I hope his desire to have a relationship  with the girls takes priority  over his other fears. Maybe I am expecting too much but I can hope.

[livednlearned]

It's good to manage expectations. Some people with BPD are more high-conflict than others, and in that case, strategies for court are more about setting boundaries so you and the kids can at least feel safe.

Some people with BPD have tender cycles and can recognize they need help. They may struggle to stick with a program, which is a different kind of non-compliance than not trying at all.

My ex suffered from paranoia and believed there was an alliance of people working against him to take his son away. It was a losing battle to get him to treatment, though the magical thinking kept me in a permanent state of hope that he might take stock of what he was losing. It is a testament to the disorder that he could not.

Sometimes we have to grieve the end of hope that things will ever be normal for us and our kids.

It took me a few years to release that hope, and when I did, there was a degree of relief that I no longer had to try to fix him. It is easy to get stuck in the hope (and the disappointment) that court can work miracles where we could not.

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes we have to grieve the end of hope that things will ever be normal for us and our kids.

It took me a few years to release that hope, and when I did, there was a degree of relief that I no longer had to try to fix him. It is easy to get stuck in the hope (and the disappointment) that court can work miracles where we could not.

Based on numerous members' experiences related here, a pwBPD or some other acting-out PD tends to Blame-Shift or Project their issues and behaviors onto others.  Until/unless they can let go the Denial, start meaningful therapy, admit they have issues, make diligent efforts to improve their perceptions and behaviors and do so over a long period of time, usually years, then failing that we have to accept their behaviors won't improve by much if at all.

If the other won't positively change — for the long term, and not just promises — then we have to.  Typically it is by setting boundaries for ourselves, what we will allow or not in our lives.  The other will resist boundaries and try to weaken or 'extinction burst' them.  If you can get court orders (the Authority court has that you are no longer perceived to have by the other) that support your necessary boundaries, then your life and the lives of your children will be more stable.

[Cynthia]

Well I'm hoping to get the court orders but who knows, right now we are on the move again.

I'm working towards a stable home life for myself and the girls this is yet another stepping stone to get to where we need to be. For now we are going into public housing while he sits in our home all alone while I continue to pay half of the bills.

It's going to be a while before I know where I stand finacially, but for now we will continue on our way to a happier life.

I have to say that there are so many people who have helped us, some we know and are friends with others we have never met. Some people it's  been their job others not, and this site has helped me understand what I've  been dealing with.

Huge thanks all round... .

[Cynthia]

One month on since my last post and we have just had our 1st court conference (8 months since date of separation). It's obvious to all,his lawyer and mine that he is struggling  with everything. Insisting  he can buy me out and keep the house, even though  his income shows  its not a reality. So now I have to allow him to try to pay the bills,inform the bank,and the minute he misses a payment I have to swoop in pay them. Then I believe I will have enough to force the sale of our house. Having missed the prime selling season, of course. And had to borrow money to keep all payments current to save my credit rating.
We are now in social housing and we still do not have furniture, which hopefully  will change tomorrow. Everything  I asked for he said no take the other one... .I should have gone with reverse  psychology I might have had better luck.
He went to the school last week, it's been closed 3 weeks. He said I can't go to get stuff because it's a holiday weekend (it's  not).  He is not doing anything he should be. He wants our 24 year old daughter to have a children's lawyer... .she wrote him a letter telling him why she can't  talk to him... .of which he said it was all untrue,. She takes that as he is calling her a liar... .who would blame her. This is not going to end anytime soon... .,and I am physically and mentally  drained... .I burst into tears at work again today, thought I was past that... .guess not. Everyone tells me I'm  handling things well, it doesn't  feel like most days.