My Mother has untreated BPD

[somethingmore]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I never in a million years thought I would be joining a group like this, but here I am because I'm tired of feeling alone in this. I'm 40 years old and was raised by a single mother of 4 kids. I have a hard time describing my childhood. I grew up thinking I was a screw up, that I wouldn't amount to anything in my life, that my experiences were invalid, and that my by my very existence I ruined my mothers life. I believed these things about me because this is what I was told by my mother, and mothers don't lie. Right?

Once I was old enough I moved as far away as I could and I stayed gone for 17 years. During that time I only visited once. However, after my divorce I returned home, thinking that being with my family would be good for me. It's been 2 1/2 years since I've been back. It didn't take long for my mother and I to fall back into our old song and dance. She, the center of the universe who rules on high. I, her lowly servant who wants nothing more than to please her, but constantly fall short.

It's only been in the last few months, after much conversation with a childhood friend who just so happens to be a licensed therapist, that I realized that my mother has un-diagnosed and untreated BPD. The current situation has gotten pretty bad and I am emotionally drained by it. I've tried talking to my mom about seeking help for her depression. Yeah, that didn't go so well. She's in the mode of pushing everyone around her away and when I tried to tell her how much that hurts me it got ugly quick. It ended with us yelling at each other and me storming out of her apartment in supreme frustration, with both her and myself. That was a little less than 24 hours ago.

Right now I'm distancing myself from the situation as much as possible (I live in the apartment above her). And I'm to the point where I want to use her pushing me away as my chance of escape all together. I'm angry with her for not being able to be the parent that I needed as a child, I'm angry with her always making me feel like I'm less than and don't deserve to recognized as a person, and I'm beyond angry with myself for thinking that things could ever be any different, for continuing to pursue a relationship with her, and for allowing myself to continually be so deeply hurt by her.

And I'm scared. I'm scared that by saying all of this I sound like her.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey somethingmore:   

I'm so sorry about what you are going through with your mom.  It feels good to vent, especially where you are apt to find some listening ears who can understand.   You don't sound like a person with BPD. 

People with BPD are hard to get into treatment.  Sounds like you approached your mom from the perspective of depression.  I'm sorry your conversation didn't go well.  Most people with BPD have other things going on.  Depression and anxiety commonly go along with BPD.

Have you thought about moving farther away from your mom?  Living right above her has to be ackward. 

You can't change your mother.  It can be easy to get caught up with FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT.  By setting and enforcing BOUNDARIES and using various communication skills, you can make things better for you.

Are you feeling a degree of obligation towards your mother, perhaps that you have a duty to try and fix her?

Check out the above link on boundaries.  What are some possible boundaries you might want to set with your mother?

We look forward to hearing more of your story.   

[Crunchie]

Hey Somethingmore,

I'm new here too, and reading your story, it sounded like you were describing part of my life. I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. Thank goodness you have reconnected with this old friend who shed some light on this for you. I wonder - would you feel comfortable seeing her for some support?

I found having a T to talk to can really take a load off and help process, learn how to cope etc. But maybe because you know them already it might be weird?

When you said you were scared that saying those things means you'll sound like her - I get that too. I know that I have definitely inherited some not so helpful ways of interacting with others and interpreting things from my dysfunctional family. I definitely think I have some codependency issues, and recently I have been really afraid that I'll turn out like my mum too. Do you notice things you do or say that are because of her?