I'm Not Being Talked To

[Glef]

After months of feeling special and wanted, there was months of being confused whether I was supporting a woman or being strung along. After catching her in a lie to cut our date short and get high/talk to an ex, she said she was messed up, doesnt know what she wants and needs time to get herself together, which just involved finishing her co-op and finding work.  Despite all of this she told me she was falling for me that very night.

Later, I realized I may just be strung along further, and her work situation was the same when we were doing great, it made no sense. So I told her she needs to call me and tell me whats going on, or I cant keep doing this. She got angry saying she asked for time (which i dont think is related to a phone call) and that she'll call when she knows whats going on. I knew I had to stand up for myself, and I deserved better so told her I was sorry for whats basically an ultimatum but thats my final choice, she needs to make the call or not.

We haven't spoken in nearly a month and a half since. I saw photos of her clubbing (or getting her life together), some close to a guy, so I figured she was fine and happy. I sent her a text saying I had seen she found her happiness and thought that it was great, and wished her well. No reply.

It was only after all of this, I discovered the BPD and our entire confusing rollercoatser of a time together, finally made sense. I read that exes will desperately contact you when you leave but she has seemingly just dropped me. Does this mean she is truly done? Or does she think I'm still on the line and she can call back anytime she pleases? I read about recycling - and I'm scared I'll fall for it.

The lack of closure makes me want to reach out - I want to hate her for her treatment of me - but I still find myself caring and having days where I cant move on.

I don't recognize her now. The things she does and says do not match who I fell for. I fell for someone who never even existed, and I hate that I can't get over her, and still feel shame for being blind, and guilt that maybe I should have done more even though I stood by in kindness for months while I got treated like dirt.

What's going on here? What should I do? Reach out or just move on without ever knowing?

[Want2know]

It was only after all of this, I discovered the BPD and our entire confusing rollercoatser of a time together, finally made sense. I read that exes will desperately contact you when you leave but she has seemingly just dropped me. Does this mean she is truly done? Or does she think I'm still on the line and she can call back anytime she pleases? I read about recycling - and I'm scared I'll fall for it.

Now that you are aware of BPD and what recycling means, you realize it is your choice to go back to her 'as is' (as it will be more of the same) or to move on and let her go.

Closure comes from within - not from anything she can give you.  You will see that a lot on the Leaving board.  There is rarely any external closure.  Continuing to reach out to her will make it more difficult to detach.

I understand cutting off your feelings for her is difficult.  However, turning this around and caring for you more is what has to happen next to get that closure.  If you are ready to do that, perhaps it might be time to start reading some of the members posts on the Leaving board, and checking out the Lessons there on how to detach from this relationship.

[Shimmer moon]

Hi Glef,

I am glad you found this board. Everyone is very supportive and never judgmental. I have been going through something similar.  My BPD bf contacts me very sporadically, says he will call and doesn't, texts when drunk, ... . all the while tells me he needs to sort things out and needs some time.

I don't know if I am being strung along or if he really is trying to get his life in order.

Being in limbo is not a fun place for us. She may come back to you and try the recycling bit.it is so hard not to "be there" to help them.  I know the feeling still wanting them... .

I feel for you and your mixed emotions and pain... .

[Glef]

Thanks you too.

I understand if she does try to recycle I should not believe any apologies, or promises to change. I just can't help but feel this girl just needs someone to care, and not give up. I guess many fall for that line of thinking. Is it something simply beyond me?

So it is normal for some to cut off all contact? I don't understand how they can move on so fast, and cut someone out like that - is it because I got too close, saw too much, and was too kind? If I hadnt caught the lie we would have met for breakfast the next day... .

I hate that this ex was with her for almost a year, and is still in her head despite being abusive and cruel, yet I always showed respect, and was kind, and I get tossed. Do they generally stay longer with cruel people?

She loves animals, spends time with a coke addicted friend to make sure he doesn't do it anymore, she loves her family, goes out with friends... . it's like she cares about and wants to see everyone but me "the best man she's ever met" who she is "falling for".

[Want2know]

I understand if she does try to recycle I should not believe any apologies, or promises to change. I just can't help but feel this girl just needs someone to care, and not give up. I guess many fall for that line of thinking. Is it something simply beyond me?

Yes, I felt this way, too.  That he was worthy of having someone to love him, and everyone else gave up on him, including his family.  It came down to realizing that I deserved a mutual relationship and not one where I was always the one giving, with little return.

So it is normal for some to cut off all contact? I don't understand how they can move on so fast, and cut someone out like that - is it because I got too close, saw too much, and was too kind? If I hadnt caught the lie we would have met for breakfast the next day... .

Sometimes they leave because they fear you are about to abandon them.  Cutting off that strong feeling of rejection and being left alone by doing it first.

I hate that this ex was with her for almost a year, and is still in her head despite being abusive and cruel, yet I always showed respect, and was kind, and I get tossed. Do they generally stay longer with cruel people?

My ex stayed with his wife for many years.  It was a very volatile relationship.  I don't know if it's because he thrived on the intense emotion that was occurring with his wife, or if being with me he felt he didn't deserve the love and stability I was offering.  That whole self-sabotage aspect of what we see often with pwBPD.

She loves animals, spends time with a coke addicted friend to make sure he doesn't do it anymore, she loves her family, goes out with friends... . it's like she cares about and wants to see everyone but me "the best man she's ever met" who she is "falling for".

There may be a bit of narcissism in those actions - she feels better when she can 'save the world'.  As for her friends and family, how do they treat her?  Do they just ignore her bad behavior?  Validate her and let her do what she wants? 

[Glef]

Yes, I felt this way, too.  That he was worthy of having someone to love him, and everyone else gave up on him, including his family.  It came down to realizing that I deserved a mutual relationship and not one where I was always the one giving, with little return.

I can see that. I think that will take a long time for me. I know I deserve that, but what I want just keeps getting in the way. I think that is what makes getting over someone hard, because you cant imagine that future person you may meet.

Sometimes they leave because they fear you are about to abandon them.  Cutting off that strong feeling of rejection and being left alone by doing it first.

I hate that, because I would have never abandoned her - I was committed right up until I discovered she didn't seem to care about me. She'll never know that.

My ex stayed with his wife for many years.  It was a very volatile relationship.  I don't know if it's because he thrived on the intense emotion that was occurring with his wife, or if being with me he felt he didn't deserve the love and stability I was offering.  That whole self-sabotage aspect of what we see often with pwBPD.

Ah okay. I read about how many almost need the negative emotions, basically for they can feel something that strong. The longer I knew her, I began to see she always had something wrong or stressing her out - even if it wasnt that big of a deal. I thought it was just something like anxiety.

There may be a bit of narcissism in those actions - she feels better when she can 'save the world'.  As for her friends and family, how do they treat her?  Do they just ignore her bad behavior?  Validate her and let her do what she wants? 

Unfortunately, I never got to really see her friends and her family I met once briefly, but talked to them on the phone. They never mentioned anything to me, but they seemed very relax, happy, and friendly. They were apparently thrilled I was interested in her. I noticed despite her being younger they were very much trusting of her being out late, and didnt seem worried.

I'm not sure if they truly know the extent of her issues - or they do and not do enough - or they are scared to put too much pressure on her. She never said BPD to me. That night when I confronted her she said she has anxiety, some strain of bi-polar - a therapist once told her she has a "personality thing" and one is rage because she once beat up a girl and doesn't remember it. She was always vague so im not sure if she was hiding it or not.

She was definitely not getting the help she needs - and I often wonder if I should have or should contact her family. That may be crossing a line though.

[Want2know]

Yes, I felt this way, too.  That he was worthy of having someone to love him, and everyone else gave up on him, including his family.  It came down to realizing that I deserved a mutual relationship and not one where I was always the one giving, with little return.

I can see that. I think that will take a long time for me. I know I deserve that, but what I want just keeps getting in the way.

What is it that you want?

I agree, contacting her family right now would be stepping over a line. 

Here's a side anecdote... . I had entered into a relationship with my ex, and just before Valentine's Day, he wanted me to meet his parents, so we all went out to dinner.  It was lovely.  They seemed very happy that we were together, and my ex seemed pleased with the event.  Only a few days later, the day before Valentine's Day, he wanted to break up with me.  At the time, I was so distraught... . I thought things were going so well.  Now, looking back, he may have felt so vulnerable that he opened that door to his parents that he couldn't take it.  So, it's not that unusual that she didn't want you to meet her parents.  That kind of vulnerability can be a mind ___ (excuse the term) for a pwBPD.

[Glef]

What is it that you want?

I want what I thought there was at the start. Even though I know that woman never existed, I can't help but want that. I built her up too much in my mind, and now it conflicts with my logical thinking.

When we met, we talked through the night and she told of bad past things. I thought she was this sweet woman who had just been kicked around too much. I thought it was a rare connection being made, but now I see I may just be another guy on the list - I read they share things really early with anyone. I thought if she was that open, I could be that open and I let her in quickly. I also don't even kiss on first dates but I kissed her the day I met her - thinking it was special - and knowing to her its nothing, humiliates me.

I think I hate that she has just dropped contact.

Here's a side anecdote... . I had entered into a relationship with my ex, and just before Valentine's Day, he wanted me to meet his parents, so we all went out to dinner.  It was lovely.  They seemed very happy that we were together, and my ex seemed pleased with the event.  Only a few days later, the day before Valentine's Day, he wanted to break up with me.  At the time, I was so distraught... . I thought things were going so well.  Now, looking back, he may have felt so vulnerable that he opened that door to his parents that he couldn't take it.  So, it's not that unusual that she didn't want you to meet her parents.  That kind of vulnerability can be a mind ___ (excuse the term) for a pwBPD.

That's an interesting idea.

It didn't seem to be an issue at the time. With her living at home, and me at this particular time being a bit away, a couple hours, I'd often call home and end up speaking to her parents. She always told me, her family had instant approval of me, and seemed happy about it. Maybe the periods where she essentially turned it in to a distance relationship made it easier for her to disconnect. 

I'm still not sure how she could make up a lie to get out of the date, in the middle of it. I often wonder if my gestures, the big date, and genuine interest caused her too much anxiety. It was truly the most humiliating experience, being so clueless, meeting her sister and father, only to later discover the lie in front of the father. She didn't seem to show much remorse - it was more all about her and her "being confused".

Sorry that dinner happened to you. Events like that, and words said can mean so much to us, and yet just seem to be nothing to the other.

[Pecator]

Sometimes they leave because they fear you are about to abandon them.  Cutting off that strong feeling of rejection and being left alone by doing it first.

I hate that, because I would have never abandoned her - I was committed right up until I discovered she didn't seem to care about me. She'll never know that.

Don't forget when they do preemptively cut off that feeling they will put the blame on you. She bolted after news that I was being downsized. Her sister told me she was convinced I had to leave the country. Her reason was because of something that happened on the dance floor. I stayed even though she replaced me before she informed me we were broken up.

This last time she bolted (same replacement) on the eve of my becoming fully employed. She said that I was manipulating her and taking advantage of her. She stood with me through some very difficult times. But she ran when they were the most scary for her. In more sincere conversations she spoke about her fear that she was just my lifeboat. She could never internalize that I gave up a good career in the States and to struggle to establish myself here because her and the boys mattered to me so much. Instead she got so afraid I would not need her anymore.

She ran so fast and so hard so that she could never chose to turn back. A very big part of me still wishes she would. But this time the excuses she uses I know are not about me.

The more I read hear, the closer I am to moving on.

[newc1992]

This situation is very similar to my own, so I can fully understand what you are going through. I think that it is natural for them to cut off a relationship when they feel that they are becoming too attached. Like you, I went to visit my ex's parents (they live abroad) and whilst I was there, she broke off the relationship and split me black. I think that unfortunately these people never feel worthy of love, yet they crave it so much. As a result you will experience "push" and "pull" until the point where they push you out altogether.

Again, BPD's do appear to have longer relationships with abusive partners. They crave love and attention, something which an abusive SO will not give them. As a result, it seems that they will stay in the relationship, partly in an attempt to feel loved by this person, and partly because they feel that they are deserving of this treatment. Again, my ex was in an abusive relationship before me, with a partner who cheated on her numerous times and who "never loved her" (those are her words). Yet, despite her hate for him, she still goes back to him and compares every new boyfriend to him. It seems that you cannot win with a borderline disordered person. When you give them everything they want, they always want more, yet, when you treat them badly, the relationship will never be healthy and is always destined to end.

Regarding the lack of contact. I have that it is a trait of BPD to recycle exes. However, they will only do this if they NEED you. If she has found someone else, then it may be that she will resurface when that relationship ends. Again if she feels that you still love her, or would still take her back, then she will feel no need to contact you. You are essentially a last resort for if things don't work out. I know that my ex feels as though I still live her, and as a result she has no need to contact me. She knows that she can leave me as a back up plan so that she can search around for other options and still have me there. It seems to me that you are most likely in this same situation. They like to have their cake, and eat it at the same time.

You also mentioned that you know of her BPD. If she knows that you know, then there is a good chance that this is what is keeping her from initiating contact, as she knows that you have seen her true personality and that the entire relationship was a lie. Again, my ex realises that I have uncovered her history. I have seen that she has had a lot of boyfriends, and they are all treated the same by her. She actually told me that I don't actually know her, as she had been a "chameleon" throughout our entire relationship. It seems that nobody really knows these people, as they are able to camouflage to suit anyone, so that they can receive love and attention from people. Once you find out who they really are, this scares them, and they will give you the silent treatment, since this is less risky than attempting to recycle a partner who has "blown their cover".

You'll never know what caused her to abandon you, or why she is giving you the silent treatment. These people do not give their partners any closure, probably because they themselves do not know why they want to break off a good relationship. Unfortunately this is all a part of their disorder. But you are not alone. I have seen plenty of examples on here of people who are going through very similar circumstances to you, and this will aid your recovery. It will take time (I am still recovering 2 months after my relationship ended and after 6 weeks of silence), but you will get though this eventually. It may sound strange now, but you are lucky that this has ended and that you can move forward with your life. She will not change anytime soon. She will continue to live her life feeling this way for a very long time (if not forever), so ultimately it is her, not you, who will come out the strongest.

Hope that this helps, and good luck.

[Glef]

^ Thank you very much.

I try to keep reminding myself that she is still the same, and any other man is going to go through the same hell. Sometimes I doubt, but I've read enough to know it's true.

I never really thought about how the lack of contact could be caused by me seeing through the veil. That'd make a lot of sense. I don't think many people ever made a genuine effort, talked to her family and did actual thinking on her behavior. This may be a new situation for her.

That lack of closure may have been the hardest part, but noticing that she seems to show no signs of caring, and just moved on, shows me I don't need to pay it any thought. If she tries to recycle, I think I'll be strong enough to stand up for myself.