confused about NC issue...

[truthbeknown]

I've been reading other posts and i'm confused about NC.   

Here's the quick summary:

Had a great week together at the end of Sept.  Last weekend She stayed with me and we were intimate.
I reacted to her saying that she wanted to date other guys while we were in bed together.  Woke up feeling off and she picked up on that. 

I went over to her house that night and she was with kids and too tired to talk. Said, we'll talk in a couple of days.

She went to therapist on Tues and broke up with him (that's what she told me she said to him when he asked, "so, when would you like to see me again?"   She said," are we breaking up?" and then told the receptionist she wanted a female therapist.  She told me he looked at her funny when she talked about sex with her ex husband.

That night she called me and brought up sleeping together while not being in a committed relationship.  I got triggered at the end of the conversation because she lashed out at me by criticizing me and attacking me trying to be healthy by taking supplements.  At the end, I told her that i wouldn't be contacting her because she is the one who wants to be free to be with other men and it hurts me to keep hearing that each time we talk.  I did try to leave the door open by telling her it was okay to reach out to me if she wanted to discuss more about us.  I did NOT say, "lets just be friends then etc."  I just couldn't do it.

I reached out on Friday of that week to see how she was feeling and i guess I felt bad that I had gotten sucked into making such a decision on the phone.  I wanted to see her and if it was over at least say goodbye.  She invited me over to her house and I was considering going until she told me that she called her sister and said, "my name and I are done!" .  This hurt alot and i realized that even in trying to keep peace and reach out she still has to find a way to hurt me.  It's like some kind of power trip. I believe she's half NPD/ half BPD.   At any rate i didn't go but i asked if I could see her privately.  She said yes but then I guess i expected her to call and she didn't. 

Bottom line: i feel bad for how it ended and now it's been 3 weeks since the breakup so to speak and based on what i have read on other posts it might seem like i'm giving her the silent treatment but I go back and forth.  I think I was just having a boundary for someone who could not stop hurting me by throwing in my face how she wanted to be with other men (even while being in bed with her!). 

Just looking for more perspectives.  In the end a relationship can't work with someone like this but I don't know why i'm ruminating over this so much.  Lack of closure?  well she did apologize for her behavior of sleeping with me when we weren't in a committed relationship (still don't know what that means to her) and she said she was not well.   

I just don't know if i made a mistake by not keeping in touch.  What would I have gained from it? she doesn't really have the ability to be a real friend?  so why do i feel so bad?  Maybe i'm morning that I'm being put in the "bad guy" role again and that i gave her ammunition to do that by pulling away?  I don't know.  I guess i'm tired of being the bad guy. I get that from my ex wife and also how she's used parental alienation of my kids ( i still see them but they just don't reach out to me at all).

thanks for listening.

[heartandwhole]

Hi truthbeknown,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. One of the most painful facets of many of these kinds of breakups is the confusing behavior at the end and the lack of closure.

It’s very normal to feel guilty, pine for the person, miss them, etc. it sucks, but we have to go through it. 

As for NC: it’s a tool that we can use to help us get the pwBPD out of our daily lives and thoughts, so that we can have some space and time to grieve the loss of the relationship and eventually move forward with our lives.

NC could feel like the silent treatment to her (and anyone) if she didn’t see it coming. Did you have a convo about it? In my relationship, I let him know that I needed time without contact to help me heal. He respected that for the most part and it really helped me. Others feel okay staying in contact after the breakup (or have to, for various reasons), but I knew myself well enough to know that I couldn’t, at least until I was fully detached.

Do you think you are done with the relationship? Would you like to try to save it, if that’s possible?

heartandwhole

[truthbeknown]

Heart and whole,

Hi truthbeknown,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. One of the most painful facets of many of these kinds of breakups is the confusing behavior at the end and the lack of closure.

It’s very normal to feel guilty, pine for the person, miss them, etc. it sucks, but we have to go through it. 

Do you think you are done with the relationship? Would you like to try to save it, if that’s possible?

heartandwhole

I am done with the fantasy.  The fantasy was that I could be the one to break through to her.  I know now that she is game to this or created this game and wants me to fail.  It's like she's proving that she can't be helped and she will torture me for staying with her because she thinks she's broken/damaged.

maybe i'm morning the loss of my fantasy that I could be different for her.  What a big ego I must have! This is what i must work on now. 

The scary part is that if she did want to come back to the relationship (which i don't think she will this time) and she did it in the next few months I would be vulnerable to considering being with her again.  I guess somehow I have allowed myself to get addicted to her.   I know that's not love; I know better but she is like a magnet to me in some ways.  Weird huh?  However, if she doesn't contact me within the next few months I know I will be strong enough to just ignore her because the further it goes without her contacting me the more clearly that i see she's not a fit for me.    BTW, i did tell her that if she decided she wanted to have a serious conversation about the two of us moving forward, then to give me a call and we can talk.  However, in our final text she mentioned that will are friends as far as she knows.  So she is in denial about us even breaking up because she never considered us a relationship.  Very deviant behavior to say the least.  She is addicted to Justifying her position.  She's an expert at it.

Nobody knows except for one person that we slept together and had intimacy so it's perfect situation for her.

[heartandwhole]

maybe i'm morning the loss of my fantasy that I could be different for her.  What a big ego I must have! This is what i must work on now. 

truth, I totally get this. I can relate, as can many of the members here. For me, when the fantasy died, it was painful, but also freeing. I much prefer the "truth" as I have come to see it, to what I was creating with him.

How are you dealing with your feelings these days?

Are you taking extra care of yourself. Mourning can take a lot of energy out of us.

heartandwhole

[truthbeknown]

Whole and hearted,

I am taking care of myself the best i can.  I have several challenges on top of dealing with her projection of abandonment. 

I get rejection from my kids because their mom (who is very similar to this gals mom that i just went through this with) poisons the kids with her distortions.  She is very manipulative to my kids and they are afraid of losing her love so they avoid me and walk on eggshells with her. 

Since I constantly have to fight the projection of my ex that "i'm a loser" because of how she lies to the kids.  My 16yo may be giving her money because it's likely that she has lied about money from me.  He has been working non-stop since school started and has very little money to show for it.  My ex did this with my oldest too.

Why am i telling you this? because this whole "breakup" or meltdown has thrown me back into feeling like I'm not strong enough to deal with the constant emotional turmoil that keeps getting thrown my way. I'm asking myself questions like: "will i ever find peace?"  "why can't i find someone who loves me for who I am rather then how much money i make etc."   "why can't i find a healthy partner to share my life with?"   and finally, "why can't i learn how to thrive again (financially speaking)."

These are all the emotionally driven questions that are looping around in my mind.  I know i need to love myself first and foremost and do what I can to take care of myself but this whole experience has also triggered deep wounds from my childhood.  For example, my mom is very narcissistic and although she has helped me in some ways this year; i don't get the emotional support from her that a child would like to have.  She is unable to understand how to do that.  And her and my brother are on the same page so i feel like the odd man out.   

Furthermore I realized i have a pattern of developing independent friends and people in my life.  While I have some great friends in my life- the established pattern is that i reach out to most people in my life.  If i just stopped calling people most would not call me or reach out.  I'm the connector; so i justified this woman being emotionally distant bc I have this pattern with alot of people in my life.  She wasn't in the beginning and that is what drew me in.  I guess i needed to have someone be interested in me.  It was addictive because i don't usually get it.  I realize now why i am sad and feel alone.   

Last night the emotions that came up were related to thoughts like, "maybe i'm not supposed to be in a relationship because i keep choosing these dysfunctional people and it's very harmful to my health."  In the beginning it feels like bliss but now being left with another scar i'm just sad that i'm such a bad picker. 

thanks for asking and I'm sorry if this was too much.  I don't know why this one hit me so hard.  Two weeks ago I was spending the weekend with someone i thought I loved and now i'm walking around feeling like I can't even mourn her because she is fine but just wanting to move on to being with other men.  my logic and my emotions are not connecting; they keep fighting each other.   

I'm thinking of the movie "collateral beauty" right now.  Have you seen it?  Trying to find the collateral beauty in this whole mess! 

[heartandwhole]

I'm thinking of the movie "collateral beauty" right now.  Have you seen it?  Trying to find the collateral beauty in this whole mess! 

I haven't seen the movie, but it sounds like "accidental advantages" might be a translation?

I think I've found the collateral beauty in my mess. It took several years, though. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. Many try to bypass feeling, and I think that can actually slow them down.

You mentioned the triggering of childhood wounds: absolutely! And that was the pain and the blessing in the aftermath of my relationship. I learned so much about myself and the core beliefs I have been carrying all my life. Knowledge is power. I may not be able (or want) to permanently eradicate those untrue beliefs, but I can shower them with understanding and compassion when they rear their heads—which they will and have.

Understanding that everyone has core beliefs that hurt helps us be compassionate toward ourselves and others.

Let yourself feel. It's the way through. 

I also recommend therapy—it helped me a lot after my breakup, especially when I was still attached to threads of the fantasy... .

heartandwhole

[truthbeknown]

Thanks Heartandwhole.

I just stumbled upon this and I don't know if it's helping me or keeping me locked into the story of "i could have done it better." mode. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dDfasJHpik


His father wrote the book and he talks about E & P types.  How P's the physicals are connected to their hearts and to their body's so that is why they hurt more after a break up where the E's are disconnected to their bodies.  In the beginning it made sense as far as the model goes but then the more I thought about it, the E's seem to have less empathy and more narcissism.  He says that E's and P's are supposed to be together and work through their patterns.  I'm not sure I agree.  It feels like such a struggle when one is oppositely matched with someone.  I know introverts and extroverts have a similar plight but when someone is too wounded maybe they accentuate the model and behave badly. 

One woman in the class said that she has always been the "rejector" in relationships and now she understands why.  I like to learn about this stuff even though it won't help me now with her.   I think it still would have been alot of work with her if she wasn't willing to push through her core wounds. 

anyway, thanks for your support and let me know what you think of the link if you are interested in viewing it.

[heartandwhole]

I just stumbled upon this and I don't know if it's helping me or keeping me locked into the story of "i could have done it better." mode. 

Hi truthbeknown,

Yes, that's the downside of non-clinical ("junk" psychology. It can be confusing and hopeful at the same time.

I've struggled with the "I/he/she could have done it better" merry-go-round, but now try to remember that at the time, my skill set, beliefs, and values were what they were, so I actually couldn't have done it better—then. It helps me to accept my own weaknesses, my partner's, and the limitations of the relationship as a whole.

Have you read the article on this site about Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD? When I first got here, it opened my eyes wide and really helped me understand what I had been dealing with. The site also has lots of self-help material which includes scientifically-based information.

heartandwhole

[flourdust]

I agree with heartandwhole. I don't find that E&P stuff very helpful ... .it's all about assigning responsibility to some label rather than to the unique and complex people who were involved.

[truthbeknown]

I agree with heartandwhole. I don't find that E&P stuff very helpful ... .it's all about assigning responsibility to some label rather than to the unique and complex people who were involved.

Yes, at first I thought it described us perfectly but i do admit that I think the model was developed by someone who had Narcissistic tendencies (as we know them to be) and it was a good way of explaining how a Narcissitic personality could relate to a co-dependent and visa versa.   So from the standpoint of trying to make those relationships work it seemed useful. In addition, there is a part where the instructor confesses that his type (the E) gave lots of sugar in the beginning (like we often hear about on the boards) and then took it away.  So he admits to that and then says, it's his job as an "e" to learn how to express more and get in touch with his physical/emotional side and it's the physical's job to learn how to take the focus off the other person and just live their life.   Someone asked, "well wouldn't it be better to have two e's together or two "p"'s ?  He said, no it would be too boring and there wouldn't be growth.

Well, while i admit I have grown through all this trauma I would much rather have the peace and tranquility of the "bored r/s" as he calls it.

I'm not a fundamentalist but it was good information to digest.  To me it was like learning about introverts and extroverts.

[flourdust]

I didn't know all that backstory about the author! That sounds rather self-justifying, don't you think? He came up with a model that lets him do what he wants (and tells other people to also do what he wants). Nice work if you can get it! 

[truthbeknown]

flourdust,

Yes it would seems so.   I usually take the parts that i like and leave the rest.  I did think there were some aspects that were interesting especially if someone is stuck in a relationship like that and needs to some communication ideas.

thanks