Permanent defensive posture…. Thoughts?

[Outdorenthusiast]

Wanted to open a thread on this and get thoughts.  

Quick reminder summary: Married 26 years, three years ago couldn’t take it anymore and started doing my own work and taking care of me as I had become unhealthy under the pressure.  Realized through my own counseling she likely is hf uBPD.

Two years ago she started doing her own work (EMDR, CBT) and has made good strides in the last 4 months to be a better roommate, and wife, but she continuously and deeply struggles daily.  She even sincerely apologized - which was huge for me.  Now she is definitely diagnosed ADHD, CPTSD, spending addictions, eating addictions, depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, etc. - the whole alphabet soup.  Honestly the labels I don’t care - the effects on me and my family is where I pay attention.  Most of the symptoms overlap anyway and misdiagnoses abound.

Issue:
Now… I don’t trust what I see from her even if it is kind, as it can flip on a dime, and I have been so emotionally manipulated, gaslit, and recycled over the years.  I don’t walk on eggshells anymore (my own work), but I also find myself not ever letting down my guard, or wanting stop the tools/skills I have learned.  I find myself in a position of being “awake” and can’t see her as anything but disabled anymore.  I find myself in a kind, respectful, but permanent defensive posture.  I view her as an emotional 10 year old, with an equivalent responsibility level.  I am starting to feel it is a bit toxic for us because I no longer enable - and she feels it.  It has definitely driven a wedge between us and it is triggering her abandonment fears.  I also do feel some resentment if I am honest and that likely seeps through at times. (I own that feeling - and know I need to work on that.)

For the long timers or others - is this normal to be on permanent defense?  Advice and thoughts?

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[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there Outdor-

I’m sorry you going through this pain and difficulty in your marriage. I can most definitely understand the absence of trust you feel.  Most definitely.  When you live inside these relationships (I had two consecutive relationships totaling nearly 26 years), at least for me, it was pretty impossible to develop any sense of trust or comfort or peace.  Ever. 

I also understand that feeling of resentment.  I found myself confused at times, because I wasn’t sure whether my “over-functioning” (really enabling) led to more laziness on my exH’s and exBF’s parts.  I do believe both of them were more capable and functional than they let on; they just leaned so hard on me because they could.  And so did I… I leaned way too hard on myself because they did.  That may have been my own arrogance.  I don’t know…

The relationships both really fell apart when the pressure became too much for me and I began to emotionally detach while I was still there.  This is a very recent realization for me.

From my standpoint, I realized I was living in a constant state of anticipation.  I’d developed almost this sixth sense of what would or could go wrong if I didn’t do *x* ahead of time and “invisibly”, to prevent  $&#**# from happening once they arrived.  That next horrible thing.  It was no way to live…in that anxiety-inducing way.  And still… what I *did* never counted… only what I didn’t do “went in my file”. But I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.

I’m wondering if you can provide a bit more clarity on what you mean by defensive posture?  Can you please provide a few examples?

I’m sorry to be so wordy.  I’ve been working through some things lately.

Warmly,
Gems

[Outdorenthusiast]

Good question: defensive posture examples:

1) Don’t get too happy or enjoy it too much - it isn’t real, it is manipulation
2) Don’t get too concerned with the streams of tears, it is something only she can fix and it isn’t you even if her words say differently
3) Don’t get too angry, the words are just reactions to feelings and likely aren’t connected
4) Listen, be empathetic, but don’t accept blame for inappropriate accusations
5) Don’t get your hopes up, the good will cycle back to bad soon enough - enjoy the calm before the storm - but not too much.
6) Don’t be afraid of threats - 90% are just words spoken during dissociation, she won’t remember them anyway.
Etc…

Almost denying my own natural intrinsic feelings to avoid and offset the yo-yo effect of their rapid fire unpredictable highs and lows.  The hardest feelings for me to be on the defense and deny/self regulate are the happy/hopeful ones.  Being permanently defensive and intentionally “even keel.” 

Or maybe I am the unhealthy weird one?  Hence the discussion thread.

[kells76]

Hey Outdorenthusiast;

So the general timeline is -- married 26 years (24 of which she wasn't getting help?), you started getting help 3 years ago, she started getting help 2 years ago, 4 months ago she stepped up her efforts a bit more? Is that basically it?

I'm curious about why the feeling of a defensive stance is permanent (vs "for now")?

You both didn't get here overnight -- I guess it isn't surprising to me that after 23 years of nobody getting help, and "only" 2 years of her getting help, you might still feel "braced". It is a relatively short time of improvement compared to the rest of your relationship.

Of course, if you know you know, so if there is more backstory to why it's feeling permanent, that's legit.

I think I'm raisin the question of if you can accept feeling "braced" for now and accept that you may be able to have a different feeling relationship in the future?

Just some food for thought (from someone who went through 3 pretty hard years of marriage in 11 years - though to be fair, my H does not have BPD).